Serve ‘N’ Protect by Tee O’Fallon

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Markus stared, first at the crackling fire in the stone fireplace, then at the little boy snuggled in the crook of his arm. Joey had fallen asleep there after a lengthy game of bull rider, in which Markus was the bull and Joey was the rider.

He and Ghost had been staying with Matt and Trista for nearly a week now. Since the night he’d left Cassidy’s house then driven aimlessly for hours, thinking about how badly he’d messed things up with her. Going back to his own house had been the original plan, but the idea of being alone no longer held the appeal that it usually did. Before he knew it, he was parked in front of Matt and Trista’s place next to Kade’s Homeland Security SUV.

With the holidays coming to a close this week, Kade had just finished out the last of his temporary duty assignment in the capitol. Along with Jamie Pataglio, Kade and Markus were the only bachelors left in their K-9 band of brothers. Gravitating toward Matt’s house was a given.

“Go figure.” Kade sat on the other end of sofa and took a swig from his beer. His new pure-black Belgian sheepdog K-9, Smoke, lay down at his feet, resting his snout on Kade’s size-thirteen shit-kickers. “You’re a kid magnet. Who knew?”

Yeah, who knew?After Cassidy’s nephew, Finn, had stuck to him like glue Christmas Day and now Joey, he had a sneaking suspicion that was true. Surprisingly, he was finding that he didn’t mind.

He pushed a lock of hair from Joey’s eyes, awed at how soft it was. As soft as a puppy’s ears. And the boy looked just like Matt. Dark-haired and dark-eyed. Joey’s lips parted and he drew in a deep, noisy breath.

“How’s Tango adjusting to retirement?” Markus asked.

Kade snorted and Smoke lifted his big head, fixing intelligent, chestnut-brown eyes on Kade. “Very well, I assume. He’s staying with my folks in Jersey while I’m down here. Knowing Mom, she’s slipping him scraps from the table, and he’s probably gained five pounds by now.”

“You guys better not be talking about me.” Trista waddled into the living room, one hand pressed to the small of her back and one on her extremely large, extremely pregnant belly. “I think I’ve gained twice as much weight this time around.” She lowered herself into an overstuffed armchair in front of the fireplace. “Trust me, guys. Don’t ever get pregnant. Everything swells up. Your feet, your face, and everything in between.”

“Okay, we won’t,” Markus said.

Kade grinned as he looked at Joey. “Kids are great.”

Markus had always been envious of Kade’s natural way with people, including kids. And women. Back in New Jersey, he had a long list of girlfriends and all of them looked like they’d stepped off the cover of a magazine. Every one of Kade’s dates always wore fancy clothes, expensive jewelry, and perfect makeup.

Cassidy didn’t need all those embellishments. She was beautiful just the way she was and—

Hell, he still couldn’t stop thinking about her. No matter how much he tried to keep his mind busy with other things, everything made him think about her.

Ghost and Sheba, Matt’s K-9, lay on their sides, back-to-back on the floor and sleeping soundly. Sheba was the prettiest Belgian Malinois Markus had ever seen, and Ghost was no dummy. His dog had fallen in love the second they’d walked in the door. Luckily, Smoke was younger than Ghost and smart enough not to try and steal an older dog’s girlfriend.

Shit. Even Ghost was better at relationships than he was.

Matt came in carrying two more beers and handed one to Markus.

“Thanks.” Markus accepted the bottle, not really wanting it. He was doing a damn good job moping around and wallowing in self-pity as it was. Alcohol would only make it worse. The more of it he drank, the more he thought about Cassidy and how much he missed her. Didn’t help any that he’d dreamed about her every night since leaving Leonardtown.

Matt sat on the arm of Trista’s chair then leaned in to drop a gentle kiss on her head. “How’s the gut doing?” he asked Markus.

“Still a little tight, but good.” In the last few days, he and Ghost had begun slow, easy runs around Matt and Trista’s property. It would still be a while before he was back in top shape, but he was improving every day.

Trista gasped then tugged Matt’s hand to her belly. “Can you feel that?”

Matt’s brow furrowed then his face lit with the biggest smile Markus had ever seen on the guy. “He’s a kicker, that’s for sure.”

“She,” Trista corrected. “Like it or not, Sgt. Connors, you need to get ready because I believe we’re going to have a little girl.”

Kade chuckled. “Little girls were invented so fathers can realize how much they don’t want their daughters meeting someone just like them. When Rosa, my six-year-old niece, grows up, she’s going to be prettier than—” He broke off, his eyes taking on a faraway look. “Well, anyway,” he added quickly, taking a swig of beer and swallowing. “She’ll be beautiful.”

Matt rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “God help me.” He clasped Trista’s small hand in his immensely larger one and brought it to his lips, kissing her fingers reverently before returning his hand to her belly and holding it there, still grinning like a fool.

Seeing his friends this way was like a knife twisting in his gut all over again. The intimate glances and tender touches they shared every day… It was both painful to watch and, at the same time, enlightening.

Matt and Trista had it. His other friends had found it, too. Nick and Andi. Eric and Tess. Hell, he never thought he’d see the day, but even Dayne had found it with Katrina. That elusive thing that had always been just out of reach in Markus’s life.

Love.

He really did want it. He just hadn’t been able to let himself get it.

Cassidy’s words came back to him, twisting that knife in deeper until he could practically feel the tip of its blade nicking his heart.

When you’re in love, you just know it. The person you love is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think of before you go to sleep. And, when they’re not with you, you think about them. They’re always in your thoughts, and you’re not whole without them.

“Markus?”

Wasn’t he sitting here, thinking about her? Hadn’t he thought of her every goddamn night before bed and the second he woke in the morning? Worse, he wasn’t himself without her. The time he’d spent with her had been the only time in his life that he had felt whole.

“Markus?”

Matt’s dark brows rose. Trista’s green gaze filled with concern. On the other end of the sofa, Kade sent him a knowing look. Over the last five days, they’d all figured out he was mooning like a sad sack but had courteously not brought up Cassidy’s name. Kade, especially, understood. All those picture-perfect women he dated were an equally sad excuse for the one woman he could never have. At least Kade was capable of recognizing those emotions and feelings. Markus didn’t know which was worse—knowing you’re in love with someone you can never have, or not being capable of loving someone and wishing more than anything that you could.

Ghost and Sheba raised their heads, giving Markus equally sympathetic looks before lowering their heads back down as if the problem had already been solved.

I wish.

If only human problems could be dealt with as easily as canine ones.

On his lap, Joey stirred then yawned as he woke.

“Help me up.” Trista inched to the edge of the chair while Matt placed his arm around her back, assisting her to a standing position. “Why don’t I take Joey into the kitchen for a little snack while you boys talk? C’mon, sweetie.”

Joey took his mother’s hand and rolled off Markus’s lap, stopping to pet Ghost’s and Sheba’s heads before following Trista into the kitchen. Matt sat in the chair Trista had vacated.

“Anyone heard from Jamie?” Markus asked. If there were any two people on the planet he could talk to, it was Kade and Matt. Still, he wasn’t ready to spill his guts.

“Nope.” Kade shook his head. “He’s gone dark. Again. I even called the Port Authority precinct at JFK. The only thing they told me was that he was on TDY, but they wouldn’t say where. And he’s not answering his cell.”

“You work for Spook Central,” Markus said to Matt. “Jamie doesn’t do undercover work, so what does it mean when a cop keeps going dark while on temporary duty and his agency clams up?”

Matt tapped his finger on the arm of the chair. “It does scream deep cover. Maybe even black ops. Although, why a Port Authority K-9 cop would get involved in something like that, I can’t figure.”

For a long moment, they remained silent. Out of all of them, Jamie was by far the more garrulous and communicative of the bunch. For him to go incommunicado like this was so far out of the norm, it was enough to leave them speechless.

Markus’s cell phone vibrated. It was Kelly, his sister. He let the call go to voicemail.

“So,” Kade said, finally breaking the silence. “What’s with Cassidy?”

Markus curled his fingers tighter around the beer bottle. Steven had always drilled into him that talking about feelings was a waste of time and a sign of weakness in a man. But it wasn’t. Markus had majored in philosophy and psych but only now realized how wrong Steven was. About everything. Markus had just been too emotionally scarred to figure that out.

The truth was, his father’s arrogance and demand for perfection were fronts for his own self-loathing, and he spent his entire life projecting that sentiment on others. Including berating Markus’s job. Cassidy was right. His job was incredible, and he was damn lucky and proud to have it.

“I don’t know how to fix this. I fucked up.”

“How so?” Matt asked.

“She told me she loved me, and I choked.” Big-time. Like his father, he was so messed up he’d been unable to appreciate love when it was offered to him.

Kade grimaced. “Couldn’t say it back, huh?”

Nope. Markus shook his head. That awful, gut-sucking moment was burned into his brain so deeply his head hurt thinking about it.

“Did you want to?” Matt raised his brows.

“Yeah. I did.” For the first time in his life, he’d really wanted to. And the more time that passed since he’d been away, the more he wished he had. If he had, he wouldn’t be sitting on his ass, hiding from the truth. The fear of allowing himself to be vulnerable was still there and it terrified the hell out of him. But his head was such a mess that he couldn’t go back to his house, nor could he go back to Cassidy’s. He was stuck in no man’s land.

Yet, talking about it with his friends, even a little, solidified something for him. It was like someone had peeled off his emotional blinders then smacked him hard across both cheeks.

By Cassidy’s definition—and, more importantly, how he felt—Markus was undeniably, certifiably, and irrevocably in love with Cassidy.

But knowing it and choosing to do something about it were two different things entirely.

“So why don’t you go back and tell her?” Kade asked.

“Because it doesn’t change anything,” he growled, wanting to throw the beer bottle against the wall. “Just because I love her—” He swallowed. Something about saying the words out loud for the first time was shockingly more powerful than thinking them. “It doesn’t mean I won’t fuck things up again some other way like I always do. She’s already been hurt enough.” And so have I. “I can’t hurt her.” Or myself.

The devastation and pain in her eyes had kept him up nights and torn his heart to pieces. Maybe that was another part of loving someone. Doing what was best for them instead of for yourself.

Even if it kills you.

Man, he was just chock-full of sappy epiphanies tonight.

“Want my two cents?” Kade asked.

Matt snorted. “This from a guy who’s never dated the same woman more than twice?”

“Funny, asshole.” Kade flipped Matt the bird, and they all laughed. “Seriously, be lucky that the only thing standing between you two is you. You’ve given up on yourself.”

Markus’s phone vibrated again, this time with a text message. The text was from Kelly and contained three words: Steven is dead.

He stared at the phone, feeling an unexpected and weird sense of loss. Not at the loss of Steven, but of the love and respect from his father that there was no chance of ever getting now. Even in death, the man could still take something Markus needed.

“Bad news?” Matt tipped his head to the phone still in Markus’s hand.

“Steven died. Cancer.” His friends all knew who Steven was. They just didn’t know all the gory details.

“Sorry, man,” Kade said.

“We know you guys weren’t close,” Matt added. “Anyway…sorry.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Aside from Kelly, the only other person on the planet who knew why they’d never been close was Cassidy. She knew he was a psychological hot mess, and she loved him anyway. Guess that’s what love did. Made you accept people for who and what they were, with no repercussions and no put-downs.

As he sat there on the couch listening to the crackling fire, he wanted and needed to be with Cassidy so badly he physically ached.

Steven had stolen something from him. His guts and the possibility of ever being truly happy. Learning that the man was dead had the effect on Markus of someone severing the emotional cord that had always pulled him beneath his father’s evil umbrella.

With a calm he didn’t feel, Markus set his beer on the end table and stood. It was four o’clock. By the time he got to Leonardtown it would be dark. “Ghost.” His dog leaped to his feet, waking Sheba and Smoke, who raised their heads in question. “We’ve got someplace we need to be.”