Apathy by L.K. Reid
Ash
I couldn’t get last night out of my head. No, I couldn’t get the entire day out of my head.
Skylar’s frightened face, her holding that girl against the lockers, Skylar touching me in the woods, and then leaving the car without a second glance. And another body was found. Yet another victim of this sick game they were playing, and no one would ever know why she died.
And that fucking note I saw yesterday, with their symbol embedded on top of it, glaring at me, mocking me even from the paper. But the text, those clues left for Skylar, those weren’t written by people from The Order. No, it was glaringly obvious to me that she didn’t know what her family was involved in. Then who would leave such things to her?
If she was being initiated, she wouldn’t look so spooked when I saw it.
I spent the entire night going over the words I saw, thinking about all the people that could’ve left it for her, but no matter how much I tried to uncover the person that could’ve given it to her, I came up blank. A sleepless night, and no clues on how to fix this shit.
Not to mention that I wasn’t even close to uncovering the way to enter the catacombs, or that the lines between what I had to do and what I wanted to do were on opposite sides. The battle raged inside my body, both sides fighting for dominance. I had to avenge the death of my parents and what they did to us, but I wanted to take Skylar, my brother, and get us all out of here.
Indigo’s words were on repeat as well—his warnings, his advice, but my brain was too fried from the lack of sleep to even try to make sense of anything that was happening around me. I avoided my uncle as soon as I got home last night. Sebastian was out of the house, so I didn’t have to deal with the full Spanish Inquisition.
Then why couldn’t I look my uncle in the eyes? Why couldn’t I tell him the truth? I lied to his face when he asked me about Skylar and our plan. I lied because she wasn’t just a pawn anymore. She wasn’t a girl I hated, or somebody I just wanted to use.
She wasn’t just some face in the photo, the privileged spoiled princess. She was so much more.
Everything I did lately, I did it with her in mind. The sky, the river, the silvery blue color of my shirt, it all held pieces of her because I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Even now as I puffed out the smoke from my cigarette, staring at the sunrise on the horizon, I only thought about her.
I thought about her soft skin, that small smile she so rarely gave… I thought about everything, and I shouldn’t have. Maybe I needed to be reminded about our mission here. Maybe I wasn’t the right person for this job.
Maybe getting involved with her was the wrong way to approach this, but if I told this to my uncle, he would question me. And how could I tell him that Skylar Blackwood managed to sneak inside, hiding next to my heart, because she wasn’t who I thought she would be?
This war we waged was meant to have casualties, but I never thought that one of them was going to be the one I couldn’t bear to see hurt. I couldn’t bear the thought of her hating me, and she would. After all of this was done, she was going to hate me.
She would never want to see me again. She would never let me touch her, and I would have to learn to live with it. Or I could stop right now.
I could go downstairs and tell my uncle that the plan we had was wrong. But how could I have her without betraying the memory of my parents?
I couldn’t, that was the problem. I couldn’t have one without betraying the other one, and I just had to figure out which one was worthy of betraying.
Was I going to let the ghosts of my past control my life, or was I going to take the reins and decide what I wanted to do without this revenge hanging above my head?
Think, Ash, fucking think, I thought to myself. Which one was a lesser evil?
“Ash?” I almost jumped up from the chair when my brother’s voice tore through my thoughts.
“Jesus, fuck, Sebastian,” I groaned. “I almost jumped over the fence.” I turned around looking at his tired face.
“Dude, I was woken up, thanks to your phone.” He yawned. “So, trust me, I’m tempted to push you over the fence myself.”
“What do you mean by my phone?” I looked around, noticing for the first time that my phone wasn’t anywhere near me.
“This phone.” He lifted the device with a black cover and threw it toward me. “It’s been ringing nonstop for the last hour. You left it in the hallway, right in front of my room.”
Shit.
“And if you don’t mind, some of us are not psychopaths like you, waking up at an ungodly hour.”
I didn’t bother telling him that I didn’t sleep last night, and the only reason I was outside on the balcony was to clear my thoughts. Before I could utter another word, he turned around and walked out of my room, leaving me alone again, with my phone lying in my lap.
I picked it up, and as soon as the screen lit up, my heart started beating faster at the sight of the missed calls showing on it.
“What the fuck?” I mumbled, unlocking it with the press of my finger.
I clicked on the green icon with the telephone on it and saw fifteen missed calls from Lauren, and half a dozen messages as well.
Ash, for fuck’s sake, pick up your damn phone.
That first message was sent three hours ago.
Fine, don’t pick up your phone, but I need your help. Skylar needs you.
Shit, shit, shit. I stood up, going over the rest of the messages, my blood turning into ice when I came to the last one.
I hope you’re having a very nice sleep, you dipshit. We are at Winworth Memorial Clinic, in case you would like to know. Skylar was attacked.
Skylar was attacked?
The air whooshed out from my lungs, my legs feeling weak as I reread the message she sent an hour ago.
Skylar was fucking attacked, and Lauren’s been trying to reach me for hours. Motherfuck—
I jumped up and went into my room, walking toward the wardrobe. I pulled off the shirt I had on and took another one, pulling it on. I tried calling Lauren, but the calls were going to her voicemail. I had a feeling that she was either ignoring me, or her phone died.
Without waiting another minute, I took the leather jacket from my bed and walked downstairs, grabbing my keys from the stand next to the door.
“You’re up early.” My uncle’s voice stopped me in my tracks, just before I exited the house.
“I have somewhere to be,” I answered through gritted teeth, praying that he wouldn’t ask for more than I was willing to answer. “I’ll catch you later.”
I turned the doorknob and stepped out when he started talking again.
“Ash.” I turned around, waiting for him to continue. “We need to talk later. I have news.”
Of course, he had news. He always had some kind of news, but for the first time in my life, I couldn’t give a shit about the plan, his news, or the revenge we came here to enact. All I cared about was the girl who was getting caught in the crossfire, who was now lying somewhere in that hospital, probably scared.
“Yeah, sure,” I mumbled. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I almost sprinted from the doorway toward my car when he called out again.
“Ash!” Dammit. I turned around, holding my keys, ready to get out of here. “Remember why we’re here.”
God-fucking-dammit. He knew. He knew my head wasn’t where it was supposed to be, and I could bet that the “talk” he wanted to have later on, would turn into a full-blown lecture, trying to remind me who the enemy was.
As if I didn’t know. As if I didn’t have scars to remind me. As if I didn’t have nightmares for years, tormenting me every single day, keeping me awake at night.
But I couldn’t deny that being with Skylar made me think twice about the plans we created before coming to Winworth. My resolve was wavering, and it had nothing to do with me being scared. No, it had everything to do with a pair of angelic eyes, feathery touches, and sweet nothings whispered in my ear. I thought I was playing the game, making her fall for me, but I had a feeling that I became a pawn, letting my emotions lead.
Instead of answering him, instead of reassuring him that I knew what the stakes were, I simply nodded and unlocked my car, sliding in without a second glance at my uncle. We disagreed on many things but bringing The Order to its knees wasn’t one of them.
If I wasn’t mistaken, that was one of the rare things we agreed on—exacting revenge on those that killed my parents, his friends. People should be thankful that there was somebody out here, brave enough to stand up to them.
Then why did I have a sour taste in my mouth every single time I thought about the Blackwood family now? Where was the anger, the viciousness I used to have? Maybe my uncle was right. Maybe I needed to be reminded of everything we lost, in order to continue this ordeal.
Seeing Skylar, being with her, it all made me rethink about what I was supposed to do, and I could see now how it affected my resolve to get things done. Perhaps going to the hospital like a lovesick fool wasn’t the best idea, I decided.
Even if my heart protested against me, I knew I had to put some distance between us. Because if I didn’t, I would destroy us both.
I had to erase the memories of her from my head and remember who she really was to me—an enemy, a foe. This wasn’t the great love story of my life, where I could get the girl even though she belonged to the opposing family.
We were more like Layla and Majnun, and I planned not to go mad from grief because I couldn’t have her. I could pretend. I could lie. I could make her believe in this sweet little lie where she was mine, and I was hers, but that’s all it was and all it would ever be—a lie.
A fantasy I allowed to happen, forgetting what was important.
And Skylar couldn’t become someone too important to me. She couldn’t become more than she already was. So what if the colors around me looked brighter since she came into my life? I was okay with my gray world before she came, and I will learn to be okay with it again.
I could do this. I could make her fall for me without falling for her. And if I gripped the steering wheel tighter now, it wasn’t because I ached to touch her, to see her, to make sure she was okay.
It wasn’t because I was worried about her and pissed off at myself.
The fog I was still getting used to still coated the streets, lingering over the bridge as I passed into the West Side of Winworth, wallowing in my misery, refusing to turn on the radio. I always sought music when my mind couldn’t come up with an explanation on its own.
When I couldn’t put my emotions into words, when my chest became too heavy, burdened by the ghosts from my past and things I had to do, music was always there as a solution, to show people what I really wanted to say.
The first time I expressed what I wanted was when Uncle Neal bought me a CD player and the greatest hits from Iron Maiden. Maybe not the best choice for a seven-year-old, but neither one of us knew how to deal with the situation we found ourselves in.
He saved us, Sebastian and me, and I didn’t want to disappoint him, no matter how much we disagreed on mundane things. And going to see Skylar, that would disappoint him. That would break his heart, because he was the one who had to change the gauze on my burned skin. He was the one who had to listen to my screams, to my cries when nightmares couldn’t be contained in the realm of dreams.
So when I came to the crossing, where the sign on the right glared at me with the name of the hospital and the directions to get to it, I turned left and headed toward the school, ignoring the nagging voice in the back of my head, telling me I’d made a mistake.
Perhaps I did, but Skylar didn’t need me. She had other people who could tend to everything she wanted, everything she needed. She was just a body I liked to fuck, and nothing else.
She was nothing to me.