Bold Mercy by Laken Cane

Chapter Sixteen

The vampires had screwed up my happy home. I wanted to be back there with Lucy and Ash, walking into my office with the snarky Max, and fighting over pastries with Joe. After I left Shadowfield, I’d stop by my place to change clothes, pack an extra bag to stash in my car, and just…be home for a minute.

I didn’t give my wolf a lot of time to run through the woods—there was too much to do. I healed the wounds Avis had given me, and then I washed away the blood in an icy stream that ran through the woods. The worst of my injuries had been the magic she’d sent into my bloodstream with her claws, and my demon blade had neutralized that. I would need to tell Jered and Lennon about the discovery. It was one more important piece in the puzzle that was Avis Vine. If Lennon could create an antidote to counteract the poison, it could save a life.

I’d left my clothes and blade with Zach, but when I returned from the woods, Zach was gone and Jared had taken his place. I was clothed only in pale moonlight and shadows, but unlike Zach, Jared didn’t turn his back when I stepped from the trees, naked and wet from my quick wash in the stream.

“I promised him,” he said, quietly, “that I was “done being an asshole.” I’m sorry, Kait.” He held out his hand, offering me my blade.

I hesitated, then pulled my unbound hair over my shoulders to at least hide a little of my body from his stare, then walked to him, took my knife from his hand, and turned away to dress. “What happened, Jared?”

He was silent for a few seconds, but I didn’t turn to look at him as I quickly dressed in my tattered clothes. Finally, he spoke, and though his voice was calm, they were laced with pain. “Brian wasn’t the only wolf to die tonight. I found three others after you left. Three of my scouts. It shouldn’t be so easy for the vampires to kill us.”

“Shit,” I whispered, yanking on my boots. “Jared, when Avis cut up my face, her claws released a poison into my bloodstream.” I put my hand over my holstered blade, ashamed that part of me was reluctant to tell him how I’d beaten it for fear he’d want to take my knife. “My demon blade counteracted it. They’re killing us with magic. That’s why it’s so easy for them.”

He wasn’t convinced. “Avery and Wyatt were hurt. Avery was not only clawed but bitten. They’re alive.”

“I doubt all the vampires have the power. If they did, we’d all be dead.”

“I’ll talk to Lennon.” He blew out a breath and ran his hand over his face, then reached out, grabbed my upper arms, and dragged me to him. “Fuck,” he whispered. “You could have died, Kait.”

I stiffened in his arms immediately, but God, I wanted to melt against him, into him, around him. He felt like heaven. He smelled like heaven. And I knew from experience that he tasted like heaven. “I thought you didn’t care.” I tried to sound dry and snarky. I didn’t succeed.

He squeezed me so tightly I couldn’t breathe. “It isn’t that I don’t care about you. It’s that I care too much. I don’t know what to do with that.”

“Why is it so hard?” I asked.

He sighed. “You do not want to be an alpha’s woman, Kait. You want to be…”

“What?” I asked, breathless.

“Alpha,” he said. “You want to be alpha.”

“And you can’t be with me because you don’t want to fuck an alpha?” I was going to make him say it.

“There can’t be two rulers of my pack, Kait. When we fuck, it will be because you are ready for what comes after.”

“I’m hot for you, Jared. I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want to steal your pack. I don’t even like most of those assholes.” Still, I didn’t step away from him. I didn’t back out of his arms. I knew he couldn’t take the responsibility of his pack lightly. He’d been born into his position, and alphas were a whole different animal than regular men—or women. I understood that part, honestly, I did. I would have been the same way if I’d ruled a pack.

But I didn’t understand one thing. “Why can’t you just have some fun, Alpha?”

He didn’t laugh. “I can’t lose myself in you for a night and not want you forever.” He slid his fingers to my hair and tugged until I looked up to meet his stare. “And neither can you.”

“What do you want?” I whispered, my heart aching. “What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to accept me as your alpha. Not just your wolf’s alpha.” He lowered his face until his lips were so close they brushed mine when he spoke. “Yours.”

An alpha’s mate took vows to submit to her—or his—alpha’s rule. His word, in the end, was the only word that mattered. The pack was his pack. She helped him, took care of him and his household so he could better rule his pack—and yes, the pack was deferential to the alpha’s mate. They were respectful. And, if she were anything like my ex-alpha’s mate, they feared her. But only because she belonged to the alpha.

If his mate saw something she didn’t like happening in the pack, she could bring it up, but she couldn’t change it. She could not get between an alpha and his pack, which I had already infuriated Jared by doing earlier.

Could I bow to my alpha, my husband, my mate?

Hellno.

Because I was alpha, as well. I was alpha.

And I understood what Jared was feeling, because I felt it, as well. If I’d ruled a pack, I would have made sure the man I married understood that I was the ruler. If he tried to take that from me…

I clenched my fists and a growl rose within me. Yes. I understood. But I wanted this alpha. I wanted Jared. Not just in bed, I had to admit, though I’d told him that was all I wanted. He knew better. He knew I wanted him the way he wanted me. As more than just a fuck.

I was extraordinarily drawn to him, which made me think that there was more at work here than mere physical attraction. My wolf wanted to submit to him. She wanted to live for him. And that scared the absolute crap out of me.

I realized at that moment that my mother was only ever free, only ever herself, after my father’s death. His death had nearly killed her, because he had been the only thing in the world that mattered to her. He’d dominated my childhood and wasn’t it the truth that I barely remembered her there?

I loved my mother. So much. But I absolutely did not want to be like her—at least not the way she was with my father.

I moved my face slightly, sliding my lips against his. I opened my mouth, touching him, tasting him. And there was nothing better to me or to my wolf. He pressed his heat against me and deepened the kiss, and I was so taken by him, by his dominance, his heart, and his sex, that I almost said yes. I almost said yes, I will be your mate, I will let you rule me and my heart, and I will belong to you.

The alpha of the Gray Shadow Pack hadn’t gotten down on bended knee and offered me a ring, but he’d just asked me to be his mate. And no matter how I felt about anything else, that was…that was huge. And I would never forget it.

But I could not accept.

Because he would not accept an alpha as his mate, and I wasn’t changing who I was for him, or for anyone.

Not even for my insanely upset wolf.

There was a lot we didn’t say. I love you, for instance, or I could love you. Or I feel like we were meant to be, and my heart is breaking. But he took his lips from mine and for a few seconds, we simply stared into each other’s eyes. I pulled his scent deep inside me, because that was the only part of him I could get, and I slid my hands over his arms to intertwine my fingers with his. He, though, was the one to speak. Apparently there were some things he could say.

“It’s not the end for us, wolf. I’m not walking away.”

I squeezed his fingers and finally, I pushed myself out of his arms. “I am.” Then I turned back to look at him over my shoulder. “For now.”

He grinned, and we left it there, in the woods.

For now.