SEAL’s Love by Leslie North

13

When they got back to the estate, Colin and Harper went their separate ways, Colin heading upstairs with the excuse he had to get some work done, and Harper heading out back to chat with his cousin Jojo. It was good to be able to retreat to separate corners and get a little breathing space. Lord knew they needed some time apart after that horrible discussion in the hotel lobby. At least he did.

Colin walked into his bedroom upstairs and flopped down on a chair in the corner near the windows. God. Could this thing between him and Harper be any more of a mess? He’d thought by giving her space and time, he might be able to convince her that they could have something lasting and beautiful, something that would show her that she didn’t have to worry about their long-term relationship not working out.

But instead, she’d only gotten more in her head, convincing herself that he was just like all the other men she’d dated, heading on a trajectory that was too different from hers for them to be able to stay happy together for anything more than a short-term fling. From his perspective, it looked like she was already preparing herself to bail.

It broke his heart and made him want to gouge his eyes out with a dull spoon. In equal measure.

Shit. He needed a voice of reason here. Someone to talk him down from his emotional ledge and figure out the best way to move forward.

He pulled out his phone and called Logan.

They’d known each other for years, since their SEAL days, and if anyone knew how to cool down a heated situation, it was his buddy, Logan. He knew Harper, as well, and might have some insight to share that would specifically help with her. As an added bonus, he was also an expert security agent and could give some solid advice on Colin’s rough plans for rescuing Serenity in case things went to hell there too. He wanted to believe his own words to Harper earlier, when he’d said that Serenity had everything under control—but it would be foolish not to have a backup plan. Everything else in his world seemed to be going to shit these days. Why not that too?

“Logan Miller,” Logan answered on the second ring in the absentminded tone of someone who was doing something else at the same time and hadn’t checked the caller ID on his phone.

“Hey, it’s Colin,” he said. He let his head fall back and he rubbed his weary eyes. In addition to the daytime stress of trying to find the right time to talk to Harper about his feelings, he hadn’t been sleeping well either. Not with what felt like the Great Wall of China between him and Harper in bed. They hadn’t made love since that first time either. God, had he blown it already?

“Dude,” Logan said, his smile evident through the phone line. “How are things in paradise?”

“Not good,” Colin groaned.

“What? Why not?”

“Let me put you on FaceTime,” Colin said, adjusting his phone. He needed to see Logan. “There.”

Logan tilted his head, his brown eyes narrowing. “Yikes, man. What happened? You look like shit.”

“Thanks.” Colin gave him a look. “I’ve just got a lot going on down here, that’s all.”

The guys knew about his strained family situation, so that part of it was no secret and no surprise. But he hadn’t shared with anyone what was going on with him and Harper outside of his family. And even what they knew wasn’t the truth.

“Is Harper all right? What’s happening with her sister?” Logan asked, his expression serious now. “Problems there?”

Glad for a distraction from his dumpster-fire of a love life, Colin gladly relayed everything that had happened with Serenity so far, as well as the plan he’d come up with earlier that morning with Harper at the resort. “I still need to work through the details of exactly how to get inside that compound if worse comes to worst.”

“I can help you there.”

He and Logan talked through all the logistics of a raid on the Wellness Center, using schematics Colin had found on the internet of the place. He couldn’t be certain they were one hundred percent complete—if Sebastian was hiding something, then there might be access points or storage areas that he kept hidden from the public records—but at least it gave them a general idea of what Colin could be facing. When they finally had a satisfactory plan in place, Colin finally sat back and rolled his stiff shoulders, glad to have at least that off his plate.

“So,” Logan said, leaning back in his office chair. “What about the rest of it?”

“What rest of it?” Colin scowled, rubbing a hand over his face.

“Seriously?” Now it was Logan’s turn to give him a look. “We ran more SEAL missions together than I can count, and I never saw you look that wrecked over a raid. So, tell me what’s really going on with you. You know I’ll find out eventually anyway, so spill it. Save me some time.”

Dammit. Much as Colin wanted to deny it, he knew it was true. Logan had a way of getting people to talk. It was like some kind of divine gift or something. It had saved their asses enough times on missions, that was for sure. Intel was everything out on the battlefield, and getting people to give them what they needed had been Logan’s specialty. But it was more than that. Frankly, Colin wanted to talk—it was half the reason he’d decided to call Logan in the first place. There were other people he could have called for some logistical insight. He’d wanted to talk to Logan because he knew that Logan wouldn’t let him hang up until he’d worked through what he was feeling. So, he spilled it all: the fake relationship he and Harper had come up with, the way his attraction to her had gotten stronger every day, the way she challenged him but also somehow managed to match him, the way his feelings had grown far beyond desire into something deeper and more meaningful—and then the way things now seemed to be falling apart.

When he was done telling him about his romantic woes, Colin felt oddly empty inside. His chest still ached, but it was dull and desolate now. He feared that he’d never get Harper to see that they could make it work, that they could be happy together. He sighed. “How do you move on when you have to leave someone you really care about, but who just isn’t good for you?”

“Wow, dude.” Logan shook his head, his thick eyebrows knit. “That’s a tough one.”

“Yeah.” Colin hung his head, staring at the pastel patterns on the rug beneath his feet. “I mean, I’ve broken up with women before, but I never really cared about them, you know. And I loved Abby, but when she died, I had no option but to walk away and get on with my life. It wasn’t something I had to consciously choose. It took me a while to move on, but I did it. This, though…” He shook his head, the sunshine streaming in seeming to mock him with its cheerfulness. “I have no idea how to walk away from someone I care about and want a future with. I’m used to standing and fighting for what I think is right, you know that.” Colin scrubbed a hand over the top of his hair and stared at the waves rolling in, relentless, eternal, washing away everything in their path. That empty pit in his chest opened a bit wider and deeper. “But this time, I don’t know. I think I might have to give up, even though it goes against everything I believe in. Maybe we’re just too different.”

“Maybe.” Logan took a deep breath. “I mean, I won’t get too Dr. Phil on you or anything because that’s not really my bag, but I will say that you need to talk to her.” In the background, Colin heard the bell above the door at Team Oracle ring as someone came in. On-screen, he watched Logan’s naturally stern face dissolve into lovestruck joy and knew without having to be told that Logan’s wife, Hope, had just walked in. And damn if that emptiness inside him didn’t fill with yearning again. He wanted that so badly it hurt. Wanted that with Harper. Logan waved to Hope off camera, then dropped his voice and whispered. “Listen, dude. I need to go. But I’ll give you this advice. From experience. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Put it all out there. Don’t hold anything back. Because walking away is too hard if you have any doubts or ‘what-ifs’ left.”

* * *

Harper tried to relax as she lounged with Jojo by the pool, sipping pina coladas. Even if she felt like shit emotionally, there were worse places to do it in, Harper had to admit. At every hour of the day, this island was nothing less than stunning. Most of the beauty of the place was lost on her, though, with everything she cared about in her life in turmoil. And as much as she wanted to relax and enjoy the moment with a woman she had come to see as a friend, she couldn’t stop herself from blurting out the question on her mind. “Do you think Colin’s the kind of guy who keeps fighting for something even if he should let it go and move on? I mean, like hypothetically,” she quickly covered. She knew how important it was to Colin to maintain their cover as nothing more than a happy couple, enjoying a family reunion on the island. She didn’t want Jojo to think there was trouble in paradise for her and Colin. Even though there was. “Like for a job. Or an argument. Or, like…a relationship.”

Part of her was hoping Jojo would say no, but most of her strongly suspected the answer was yes.

“You’ve met my cousin, right?” Jojo joked, then snorted. “Colin’s never given up on anything in his life—or at least, not when it was something he really wanted. Giving up is just not in him.”

Damn. Yep. Just as she’d feared. He’d keep fighting for them to be together even after it started making him miserable, and Harper couldn’t bear that. She never wanted to see him unhappy, especially because of her. And it was obvious now that she could never give him the kind of future he wanted, so… Harper would have to be the one to end things with Colin and that would break her heart. And his.

Ugh. It was just a mess. All of it.

But she couldn’t break up with him yet. Not until this thing with Serenity was over, and not until his family reunion was done. They’d made an agreement and she’d stick to her end of it. She gulped down more of her drink and laid her head back on the chaise lounge, closing her eyes behind her dark sunglasses. Besides, they hadn’t even really defined what they were to each other. Maybe she was making too much out of this. How presumptuous would it be to tell him that she had to break up with him based on the fact that he might someday fall in love with her? They’d known each other for less than a week. He’d probably think she was crazy for even bringing the “L” word up.

And yet…every time they were together, he’d get this look his eyes, all warm and fuzzy and caring, which would then make her feel all warm and fuzzy and caring and…

No.

Enough. One of them had to be the realist here, and it looked like she was it. She’d just do her best to keep things casual between them from here on out. And once they got Serenity safe and got off the island and the two of them went back to their normal lives, she’d end it. Even though each day it was harder and harder for her to envision a life without Colin in it. Because yeah. She didn’t do forever. She didn’t do happily ever afters. That wasn’t her.

And maybe if she told herself that enough times, she’d remember to believe it.

Harper sighed.

Focus, girl. Focus.

Okay. So, light, casual. Stay on her own side of the bed at night and stop herself from reaching out for him, even though it felt like fighting gravity to stay there after their one night of lovemaking. Be strong. She could do it. She would do it. And if Colin tried to take things down a more serious route between them, she’d end it once and for all.

She cared enough for him not to lead him on, even if ending it with him would kill her inside.