Sailor Proof by Annabeth Albert
Chapter Thirty-Five
Derrick
“Well, you certainly know how to make an entrance, Fox.” The senior chief regarded me carefully as we settled for our daily report meeting. He had a shaved head, Southern drawl, commanding features, and a piercing stare that had a way of seeing every uncertainty. So I drew myself up taller and gave a firm nod.
“Yes, sir.” Entrance was one way to put the harrowing foggy medical evac that had required coordination from multiple teams including the shore-based doctors, the ship the sub had had to rendezvous with, its helicopter crew, and various levels of mission command. Being on deck during a sunny homecoming had nothing in common with navigating the slick surface in choppy conditions with limited visibility. It was only thanks to tireless training that the operation had gone off without incident. “You should be proud of your crew.”
The sub’s young medic had had to help negotiate the sub’s tight passageways with his patient on a litter while the deck crew had to coordinate closely with the evac helicopter.
“They did fine work.” This senior chief wasn’t the type to smile much, but the warmth in his voice said even he was impressed. “Glad they got you on that bird.”
“Me too. We cut it close.” I’d narrowly made the helicopter rescue flight, a mad dash alongside the crew following a long flight out to that ship. Not counting time zone changes, I’d been awake over twenty-four hours by the time the evacuation was complete. But Command hadn’t wanted the submarine to have to surface more than once, and time had been of the essence once the sick chief’s condition had deteriorated. “Do we have an update on Gordon yet?”
“Stable. He’s a fighter. Higher-ups can’t share specific medical information, but prognosis was sounding good last I heard.”
“Excellent.” Everything I’d heard about the ill chief was glowing. I had big shoes to fill on this mission, that much was certain.
“You settling in?” The senior chief did another of those hard stares, but I had years of practice schooling my expression. This was not a moment for complaints.
“Yup.” The senior chief didn’t need to hear that I had a rattly bottom bunk with a restless snorer above me and an intense longing for my boyfriend’s cramped-but-cozy bed where at least I had Arthur as a pillow and the sound of his heart for white noise. Senior Chief also didn’t need to know that I hadn’t slept any of the trip to the sub because I’d been replaying that final kiss with Arthur over and over. All my boss wanted to know was that things were on automatic, not that I was lovelorn and homesick. “Good crew here. I’ll be up to speed in no time.”
“That’s what I like to hear.” Predictably, he nodded sharply and didn’t ask follow-up questions. “Now, do you have that report for me?”
“Absolutely.” I pushed thoughts of Arthur from my head. I had a job to do and needed to prove to both the senior chief and the personnel under me that I was more than capable of meeting the challenge. “I analyzed the last few days of data.”
I rattled off my report, focusing on the minor discrepancies I’d found, my plans to study them further, quality control procedures in place, and possible conclusions that could be drawn from the sonar data we had available. This was the part I was good at, and my confidence showed in my decisive tone.
“Damn.” The senior chief whistled low. “You do know your stuff. Brass said you were one of the best.”
I stood a little taller at that. It didn’t matter what was happening in my personal life. My ego still enjoyed the praise, and I had too many years of training to let my funk impact my ability to do the work that was so vital to the sub’s navigation. “Thank you, sir. I try.”
“Reputation like yours, you’ll be coming for my job soon enough, I reckon.” The senior chief stretched, arms hitting the side of the tight compartment we were in.
“Oh, I’ve got some years left before that.” Any other previous deployment and the comment would have buoyed me for days. I wanted to be where he sat, chief of the boat, commander’s right-hand personnel and responsible for so much of the daily operations. It was a level of responsibility I’d aspired to my whole career. But lately, I kept having this little voice in the back of my head going what if, and me not sure how to answer it.
“Ain’t that right.” His Southern drawl intensified when he was relaxed, and like every senior chief I’d had, he might joke about retirement, but he knew damn well he was an institution. “I’ve got a few more deployments in these old bones before y’all put me out to pasture.”
I laughed because I’d heard that a time or two. “I bet.”
“You let me know if y’all need anything, you hear?”
“I’ve got it on automatic, sir.” I had what my department needed to run smoothly. What I needed personally was way more of a question mark and not something the senior chief could provide for me.
“Your move.” Weiss, the grizzled chief across the narrow table from me, grinned as he slapped a card down.
We were playing a mindless game, too brain-dead from back-to-back long shifts for anything else. Hot sludgy coffee sloshed around in a half-full cup in my hand. A couple of weeks into my deployment now, I missed Arthur’s coffee-snob brew and the mismatched mugs at his apartment even more. Missed his narrow bed every time the snorer above me tossed and turned, and Arthur himself most of all. I tried not to think about him when on duty, but in quieter moments like this it was hard not to. Arthur was a better card player than Weiss, who while usually sharp had left me an opening for a quick trick and easy points.
“Nicely done. Wasn’t sure you were even paying attention at all.” Weiss was jovial enough, no censure in his voice as he considered the cards in his hand.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Happens to all of us. My brain keeps wandering too. It’s my oldest’s birthday today.” His voice took on a faraway tone.
“How old?” It went without saying that I was sorry he wasn’t there, and that was the type of sentiment we tried not to dwell on down here. It sucked to miss things, and we all knew it.
“Eleven today. My ex will make sure there’s a big party and lots of pictures. She’s great about details like that.”
“Good mom.” I nodded, waiting for him to finish his turn. “Did you leave a present?”
“Did I ever.” His smile went from wistful to bragging. “Tickets for when we’re back. Gonna take her and my younger one to LA. Do all the theme parks, and I scored passes to the birthday girl’s favorite tween comedy for a taping and tour. Big surprise for the kids and hopefully a nice break for my ex. She deserves it.”
“I’m sure. And I bet the kids will love the trip.” I smiled as I collected some more points by throwing down another pair.
“I hope so. Gotta give them some incentive to make it through this latest deployment.”
“Yeah.” My jaw tightened. Had I given Arthur any incentive? Use of my car hardly counted. Weiss was smart, giving his kids something concrete to look forward to. Myself, I’d been so sure that Arthur wouldn’t wait that I’d been hyper-focused on giving him an easy out. But should I have given him more of a reason to wait? He wasn’t a kid I could bribe with Disney, but I also hadn’t given him anything to pin his more adult hopes on.
“You doing okay?” Weiss asked, leaning forward. “I know you’d just finished one deployment. Back-to-back with a tight turnaround sucks. I’ve been there.”
“Yeah, it does.” I rolled my shoulders. “I’ll be glad to be home, that’s for sure.”
“Got someone waiting?” Weiss wasn’t a gossip, but I still hesitated, more out of my own mental muddle than any other reason.
“Sort of.” My mouth twisted. “It was still pretty new when I had to leave.”
“Ah.” He gave a crusty chuckle. “This life is hell on relationships, that’s for sure, and I have the alimony to prove it.”
“I bet.” I joined his laugh. “But it sounds like you got two great kids out of it.”
“Oh yeah.” He smiled more tenderly. “And a number of good years with their mom. Don’t regret that for a second.”
“That’s great.” I’d told Arthur I was happy with whatever we got together, but that wasn’t quite true. I wanted longer. Any finite block of time was never going to be enough, but had I prematurely tried to hasten the end rather than appreciating what we could have? With each passing day, I grew less and less sure.
“Will your ex bring the kids to the homecoming?” As it had worked out, I’d been assigned to this sub for the remainder of its deployment. I tried not to add up the total weeks in my head but at least it wasn’t measured in months.
“Hope so. Depends on if her new husband can get time off. He’s a firefighter down in Portland, but they usually try to drive up. How about you? This new person going to be there?”
“Maybe.” If I hadn’t talked Arthur out of it with that parting speech. I hadn’t told him not to come, but I’d also made it easy for him to make that decision, hadn’t begged him to be there. And there we were back to incentives. I’d told him he made me happy, but I also hadn’t done very much to ensure his happiness, nor had I translated that feeling into any sort of commitment or permanent emotion. Hell, I’d all but shook his hand and wished him well on my way out the door even though my heart had been breaking.
“For your sake, I hope you get a big welcome.” Weiss stretched lazily. “But, man, lifers like us, I just don’t think civilians get it.”
Lifers like us.Huh. He wasn’t wrong there. I’d always said I’d be in as long as they’d have me. I’d come in with something to prove, eager to make rank, hungry for the structure and recognition. But then I’d spent time with Arthur, discovered what it felt like to be around someone whom I didn’t have to prove a damn thing to. And I still found satisfaction in my job, but hell, I missed that comfortableness with Arthur something fierce too.
“Heard you’ll be up for senior chief next year. Maybe chief of a boat soon, huh?” I kept my voice even for Weiss’s sake, thinking of all the years Calder and I had been driven by rank and advancement, same as him. I’d never wavered from that path, never considered alternatives, even when I’d been with Steve. I had no room for doubt in my life.
Except for lately when doubts were my fucking constant companion and answers few and far between.
“Yup.” Weiss nodded definitively. “My old man made master chief. I’m not doing any less.”
“Good for you,” I said even as that little what if voice in my head said maybe, and more of those doubts I’d always kept out came rushing in.
“Eh. This is all I’m good for, you know? I don’t know anything else.” He shuffled the cards in a crisp rainbow.
“Yeah.” For years, I’d tied my own worth to my rank. What else did I have to offer? I simply didn’t know. “And the navy’s family. I’ve been with a couple of folks since sub school.”
“Yep, exactly. Another round?” He dealt us each a fresh hand.
I picked up my cards, studied them. Funny how with cards there was always a fresh start if you waited long enough, a chance to try again, hope for better luck. Sure, you had to play the hand you were dealt, but you could also wait for the better hand. Strategy.
“Speaking of sub school, they keep trying to get me to accept an assignment to Groton.” Weiss gave a harsh laugh. “But no way. Long as I’m fit, they’re not getting me off a boat.”
He sounded exactly like the senior chief and every other sailor I knew determined to make rank.
“Yeah, you’re a lifer all right.” I played a jack, the impish face reminding me of Arthur trying to get his way about something. God, I was such a fool. I missed him so bad I ached from my teeth down to my toes. And there was nothing to do about it but wait—
Wait.
That was it. My eyes widened as I drew another jack, my luck shifting. Fresh hand indeed. I might actually win one off Weiss, who despite not being the most strategic of players did seem to have the damnedest of luck.
Or maybe his care-not attitude was his strategy, all part of his plan. Maybe he made his own luck.
And maybe I could too.
“Hey,” I said, keeping my voice casual. “You got any talent for getting a message to the surface?”
“Hell, yes.” Weiss puffed up his chest. “Been at this enough years, I know all the tricks. You need something?”
“I just might.” I nodded slowly. Maybe my luck was about to change for good.
