A Forever Kind of Love by Nora Roberts

Chapter 12

She hadn’t thought she would sleep. It was a surprise to wake, groggy, in the half-light. Freddie wasn’t certain if it was a good sign or a bad one that she remembered immediately, and clearly, what had happened and why she was alone in Nick’s bed in the middle of the day.

Wincing a little as the bandage on her side pulled, she tossed the spread aside. She was unbearably thirsty, and the brandy she was only vaguely aware of having drunk had left her a head full of cotton.

At the kitchen sink, she filled a glass of water to the rim and drank it down. It was odd, and annoying, she thought, that she still felt so shaky. Then it occurred to her that she hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and that hadn’t been much of a meal.

Without much hope, she opened Nick’s refrigerator. She had her choice of a chocolate bar and an apple. Feeling greedy, she took them both. She was just pouring another glass of water when Nick walked in, carrying a tray.

His heart lurched when he saw her standing there, so small, so delicate. And when he thought of what might have happened to her. In defense, he kept his voice neutral. “So, you’re up.”

“It appears so,” she said in the same distant tone.

“Rio thought you might want to eat something.” He set the tray on the table. “Your color’s back.”

“I’m fine.”

“Like hell.”

“I said I’m fine. You’re the one who looks like he’s been run over by a truck.”

“I went looking for my fight,” he said evenly. “You didn’t. And we both know where the blame lands in this one.”

“With Reece.”

In an attempt to keep himself calm, he took out a cigarette. “Reece wouldn’t have given two damns about you if it hadn’t been for me. And if you hadn’t been with me in the first place, Jack wouldn’t have known where to find you.”

She took a moment to steady herself. “So, I see, this is all about you. In your twisted logic, I was threatened with a knife and rape because I happened to have walked down the street with you one night.”

The knife. Rape. It froze his blood. “There’s nothing twisted about the logic. Reece wanted to pay me back, and he found a way. I can’t do much about it, since Alex—”

“Do?” she repeated, interrupting him. “What would you do, Nick? Go beat Reece up again, pound on Jack? Is that supposed to make it come out right?”

“No. I can’t make it come out right.” And that was the worst of it. There was nothing he could do to change what had happened. Only what might happen next. He crushed out the cigarette he found he didn’t want. “You and I have to settle things, though. I think you should work at home, when you feel up to it again. I can send the music over to you.”

“What exactly does that mean?”

“Just what I said. I figure we’ve reached a point in the score where it’s just as constructive, maybe more so, to work separately.” His eyes shot to hers, hardened. “And I don’t want you around here.”

“I see.” She needed her pride now, every ounce of it. “I take that to mean on both professional and personal levels.”

“That’s the idea. I’m sorry.”

“Are you? Isn’t that nice. ‘Sorry, Fred, time’s up.’” She whirled on him. “I’ve loved you all my life.”

“I love you, too, and this is the best for both of us.”

“I love you, too,” she repeated, snagging him by the shirtfront. “How dare you come back with some watered-down pat-on-the-head response when I tell you that!”

Very slowly, very firmly, he pried her fingers from his shirt. “I made a mistake.” He’d convinced himself of it. “And now I’m trying to fix it. I understand that you might get emotions confused with sex.”

She shocked them both by slapping him, and putting her weight behind it. For a motionless moment, there was only the sound of her unsteady breathing. Then she exploded. “Do you think it was just sex? That what happened between us was just heat and flash? Damn you, it wasn’t. You know it wasn’t. Maybe it was the only way I could get to you, the only way I could think of. But it mattered, it all mattered. I worked every step of the way to make you see it, see me. I planned it out, step by step, until—”

“Planned?” He cut her off with one searing look. “You planned it? You came to New York, convinced me to work with you, had me take you to bed? And it was all part of some grand scheme?”

She opened her mouth, closed it again. It sounded so cold, so calculated, that way. It hadn’t been, hadn’t been meant to be. Not when you added love.

“I thought it through,” she began.

“Oh, I bet you did.” The slip had given him the outlet he needed for his rage and distance. “I bet you figured it all out in that sharp little head of yours. You wanted something, and did whatever it took to get it.”

“Yes.” She sat down now, weakened by shame. “I wanted you to love me.”

“And what’s the rest of the plan, Fred? Tricking me into marriage, family, white picket fences?”

“No. I wouldn’t trick you.”

“You wouldn’t think of it that way, but that was the goal, wasn’t it?”

“Close enough,” she murmured.

“I can see it,” he snarled out as he stormed around the kitchen. “Freddie’s list of goals. Move to New York. Work with Nick. Sleep with Nick. Marry Nick. Raise a family. The perfect family,” he added, in a tone that made her wince. “It would have to be perfect, right? You always want everything neat and tidy. Sorry to disappoint you. Not interested.”

“That’s clear enough.” She started to rise, but he pressed a hand to her shoulder and held her down.

“You think it’s that easy? I want you to take a look, a good long one, at what you were fishing for. I’m two steps away from the guy who held a knife on you. I know it. The family knows it—the family you’re basing all these half-baked fantasies on. Isn’t that the way you saw it, Fred? Like the Stanislaskis?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” she tossed back, humiliated that she was close to tears. “Why wouldn’t you?”

“Because I’ve been around, and you haven’t. How many people do you think there are out there like them? You’re using top-grade for your yardstick.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. It works. It can work.”

“For them. A few others. Is that what started cooking in your head when we were with the O’Hurleys? Another big, happy family?”

She lifted her chin. “It should prove my point. It can work.”

“For them.” He slapped his palms on the table, forcing her to stare into his face. “Take another look here. What’s happened in the last few days is my world, Fred. Battered women, frightened kids, drunks who brawl in bars. Men who think rape is an entertaining pastime. And you want to start a family on that? You need to be committed.”

“You’re not responsible for what happened to Marla. Or to me.”

“No?” His lip curled. “Look at the thread. I’m the thread. Maybe I’ve been pulled out of that whole world,” he said. “But it only happened because of the family. What do you think they’d say if they knew I’ve been sleeping with you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. They love you.”

“Yeah, they do. And I owe them, plenty. Do you think I’m going to pay them back by shacking up with you over a bar? Do you think I’m crazy enough to think about marriage and kids. Kids, for God’s sake, where I come from? I don’t even know who my father was. But I know who I am, and I’m not passing it on. I care about you, sure I do—enough to get you the hell out.”

“You care,” she said slowly, “so you’re breaking it off.”

“That’s exactly right. I was out of my mind to let it get this far, and I nearly—” Now he broke off, remembering how close he’d come, only a few days before, to declaring himself. “What matters is, you worked on me, and I let things get temporarily out of hand. It ends here. For the sake of the family, we’ll try to forget any of it happened.”

“Forget?”

“All of it. I’m not going to risk hurting you any more, and I sure as hell don’t want to hurt the rest of the family. They’re all I’ve got—the only people who ever wanted me or cared about me.”

“Poor, poor Nick,” she said, with ice. “Poor lost, unwanted Nick. You really think you’re the only one who’s faced that kind of rejection, or wondered just what lack might have been passed onto him. Well, it’s time you learned to live with it. I have.”

“You don’t know anything about it.”

“My mother never wanted me.”

“That’s bull. Natasha’s—”

“Not Mama,” she said coldly. “My biological mother.”

That stopped him. It was so easy to forget Spence had been married before. “She died when you were a kid, a baby. You don’t know how she felt.”

“I know exactly.” There was no bitterness in her voice. That was what tugged at him. There was no emotion at all. “Dad would have kept it from me. I doubt he has a clue I ever overheard him talking to his sister. Or with Mama. I was nothing more than a mistake she’d made, then decided to forget. She left me when I was an infant, without a second thought. And her blood’s in me. That coldness, that callousness. But I’ve learned to live with it, and to overcome it.”

He couldn’t imagine her harboring that kind of pain, that kind of doubt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. No one’s ever talked about her.” He wished he could have held her then, offered comfort, until her body lost that uncharacteristic rigidness. He didn’t dare offer her anything. “But that doesn’t change what’s here.”

“No, it doesn’t. You won’t let anything change.” Freddie was crying now, but the tears were hot, more of anger than of grief. “You knew I was in love with you. And you knew, in the end, I would have made any compromise, any adjustment, to make you happy. But you don’t make compromises, Nick LeBeck.”

“You’re too upset to handle this now. I’m going to get you a cab.”

“You’re not going to get me a cab.” She shoved at him. “You’re not going to send me anywhere. I’ll go when I’m ready to go, and I can take care of myself. I proved that today, didn’t I? I don’t need you.”

She let the words hang, closed her eyes on them a moment. When she opened them again, they were fierce. “I don’t need you. What a concept in my life. I can live without you, Nicholas, so you needn’t worry that I’ll come around mooning over you. I thought you could love me.”

Her breath came out steady, strengthening her. “My mistake. You aren’t capable of loving that way. I wanted so pitifully little from you. So pitifully little, I’m ashamed.”

He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out. “Fred.”

“No, damn you, I’ll finish this. Not once did you ever tell me you loved me. Not the way a man tells a woman. And not once did you try to show me, except in bed. And that’s not enough. Not one soft word. Not one. You couldn’t even drum up the effort to pretend and tell me, even once, that you thought I was beautiful. No flowers, no music unless we made it for someone else. No candlelight dinners, except when I arranged them myself. I did all the courting, and that makes me pathetic. I was willing to settle for crumbs from you, and that’s exactly what I got.”

“It wasn’t like that.” It appalled him that she should think so. “Of course I think you’re beautiful.”

“Now who’s pathetic?” she snapped back.

“If I didn’t think about romance, it was because things got confused so fast.” That was a lie, and he knew it. Yet he wondered why he was defending himself, why he felt such panic at the steely, disinterested look she sent him, when he’d been so hell-bent on pushing her away. “I can’t give you what you need.”

“That’s very clear. I’m better off without you. That’s very clear, too. So, we’ll do just as you suggested. We’ll forget it.”

He put a hand on her arm as she started to walk out. “Fred, wait a minute.”

“Don’t touch me,” she said, in such a low, furious voice that his fingers dropped. “We’ll finish our commitment to the musical. And we’ll make polite conversation around the family. Other than that, I don’t want to see you.”

“You live three damn blocks away,” he called after her.

“That can be changed.”

“Running home after all?”

She shot one frigid look over her shoulder. “Not on your life.”

He thought about getting drunk. It was an easy escape, and would hurt no one but him. But he just couldn’t work up any enthusiasm for it.

He got through the night, though he didn’t sleep. The music he tried to write in the dawn hours was flat and empty.

He’d done what he needed to do, he told himself. So why was he so miserable?

She’d had no right to attack him. Not after she told him that everything that had happened since she’d come to New York was part of some plot. He was the victim here, and still he’d done his best to protect her in the end.

Imagine him, married, trying to raise kids. He snorted, then dropped into a chair, because the whole picture was suddenly so appealing.

Insane maybe, he mused, but appealing. A family of his own, a woman who loved him. Surely that was insane.

Insane or not, it was hopeless now. The woman who had walked out the day before didn’t love him. All she felt for him was disdain.

Saw to that, didn’t you, LeBeck? You idiot.

He’d had a shot. It was all so clear, now that it was over. He’d had a chance to love and be loved, to make a life with the only woman who had ever really meant anything to him.

How could he have been so stupid, so blind? It had always been her. If he had good news, she was the first one he wanted to share it with. If he was down, he knew it would only take her voice over the phone to bring him up again.

Friends. He supposed that was what had thrown him all along. They’d been friends. And when he felt more than friendship for her, he’d tried to block it, ignore it, deny it. He’d used every excuse available to hide the real one.

He hadn’t believed he deserved her.

Even when their relationship changed, he’d held part of himself back. She’d been right. He’d never given her soft words. He’d never shared the reins of courtship.

Now he’d lost her.

He let his head fall back, closed his eyes. She was better off without him. He was sure of that. Had been sure.

The knock on the door had him springing up. She’d come back, was all he could think.

All the pleasure died from his face when he saw Rachel.

“Well, that’s quite a greeting.”

“Sorry.” Dutifully he pecked her cheek. “I was... Nothing. What you are doing here?”

“Paying you a visit. I don’t have to be in court for another couple of hours.” She walked over to a chair, sat, gestured to another. “Sit down, Nick. I want to talk to you.”

It was her lawyer’s voice that put him on guard. “What’s the problem?”

“You are, I believe. Sit.” When he did, she laid a hand on his. “I love you.”

“Yeah, I know. So?”

“I just wanted to get that out of the way, so I can tell you what an absolute jerk you are.” The hand that had rested so gently over his balled into a fist and rapped his shoulder. “What a stupid, idiotic, inconsiderate, blind male boob you are.”

“What’s the deal?” he said between clenched teeth, as she’d squarely hit a spot that was still raw from Reece. He supposed he deserved the pain.

“I stayed with Freddie last night. She didn’t want me to, but we ganged up on her.”

“Oh.” He let out a careful breath. “So how is she?”

“As far as the attack on her, she’s holding up. As far as your attack, she’s pretty hurt.”

“Hold on. I didn’t attack her.”

“Objection overruled. I pried most of what happened out of her. It’s bad enough that you’ve broken her heart, Nick, but to mess up your own life while you were at it takes real skill.”

His defense mechanism clicked in before he could stop it. “Look, we slept together a few times. I realized it was a mistake and put the brakes on.”

“Don’t insult me, Nick,” she said coolly. “Or Freddie. Or yourself.”

He let his eyes close with an oath. The hell with it, he thought. The hell with defending himself, with pride, with anything else that blocked the way. “I love her, Rachel. I didn’t realize how much, how bad it was, until she walked out the door.”

It was hard, but Rachel restrained herself from offering the comfort, the sympathy, that stirred inside her. “Have you bothered to tell her you love her?”

“Not the way she needed. It’s one of the things I neglected.”

“So I gathered.”

“I wasn’t prepared for it.” He pushed himself up to prowl the room. “She had it all worked out in her head. One of her step-by-steps.”

“And you found that insulting,” Rachel put in. “Which proves you’re a fool. Some more intelligent men might have found being found attractive and desirable by an attractive, desirable woman a compliment.”

“It threw me, okay? It all threw me. Everything I was feeling for her hit me like a wall. I didn’t know it could be like this.”

“So to fix it, you tossed her out.”

“She walked.”

“Do you want her to keep on walking? She will. And if you dare tell me that you’re not good enough, that you haven’t got what it takes to make her happy, I’ll really hit you next time. There’s only part of the boy I got stuck with all those years ago left in you, Nick. And it’s the best part.”

He wanted to believe it. He’d tried for more than a decade to make it true. “I don’t know if I can give her what she wants.”

“Then you won’t,” Rachel snapped back, without sympathy. “And she’ll survive. She’s cried herself dry, and she’s purged most of the rage. The woman I left a little while ago was very controlled, and determined to forget you.”

“I want her back.” The thought wasn’t as frightening as he’d assumed it would be. In fact, it felt incredibly right. “I want it all back.”

“Then you’d better get to work, pal.” She rose, took him by the shoulders and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “My money’s on you, LeBeck.”

Nick wasn’t sure he’d take the bet himself. The odds were long, he decided as he carted his bags toward Freddie’s building. It was going to take some pretty fancy footwork to squeeze an entire courtship into one crowded balcony scene.

Nick glanced up to the fifth floor of Freddie’s apartment building, and headed for the fire escape.

“And where do you think you’re going, LeBeck?”

The beat cop Nick had known half his life strolled up, tapping his baton.

“How’s it going, Officer Mooney?”

But the wily veteran eyed Nick’s bags suspiciously. “My question was, where are you going?”

“I need a break here, Mooney.”

“Do you now? Well, why don’t you tell me about it?”

“See that window?” Nick pointed, waited until Mooney’s eyes lifted and focused. “The woman I love lives up there.”

“Captain Stanislaski’s niece lives up there. And the girl’s had a spot of trouble.”

“I know. She’s the one I’m in love with. She’s a little annoyed with me at the moment.”

“Do tell.”

“I messed up, and I want to fix it. Look, she’s not going to let me in the front.”

“You think I’m going to let you climb up to the lady’s window?”

Nick shifted his bags. “Mooney, how long have you known me?”

“Too long.” But he smiled a little. “What have you got in mind?”

By the time Nick finished telling him, Mooney was grinning. “Tell you what I’m going to do, since I’ve watched you grow from a snot-nosed punk into an upstanding citizen. I’m going to stand right down here and let you give it your best shot. If the lady isn’t receptive, you’re coming right back down.”

“Deal. Listen, it could take a little time. She’s pretty stubborn.”

“Aren’t they all? I’ll give you a leg up, boy.”

With Mooney’s help, Nick managed to yank down the ladder. After a climb that reminded him that his bruises were still very much around, he tapped on Freddie’s window.

Moments later, she jerked it open.

Her eyes were a little swollen, and that cheered him. Even if the expression in them wasn’t welcoming.

“Fred, I want to—”

She slammed the window down and flipped the lock.

“Strike one, Nick!” Mooney called up. A man came out of the bakery behind him and paused next to the cop.

“What’s going on?”

“The boy up there’s trying to charm the lady.”

Nick prayed it was just temper. If she’d finally written him off, he’d lose everything that mattered. He only had to get her attention, he assured himself, and wiped a damp, nervous hand on his jeans. He pulled the flowers out first. They’d gotten a little crushed, but he didn’t think she’d notice.

He rapped again, harder. “Open up, Fred. I brought you flowers. Look.” More than a little desperate, he waved the bouquet when her face appeared on the other side of the glass. “Yellow roses, your favorite.”

Her answer was to yank the drapes smartly shut.

“Strike two, Nick!”

“Shut up, Mooney,” he muttered.

He was drawing a crowd now, but he ignored it as he pulled out his next weapon. After arranging the candles in their holders, he lighted them. He turned to the blank window and tried to pitch his voice loud enough so Fred would have to hear him, but not so loud that he’d get commentary from below.

“Hey, I’ve got candlelight out here, Fred.... Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look in candlelight? The way your eyes sparkle and your skin kind of glows? You look beautiful in any light, really, sunlight or moonlight. I should have told you that. I should have told you a lot of things.”

Nick shut his eyes a moment, took a breath. “I was afraid I’d mess up and ruin your life, Fred, so I messed up anyway and nearly ruined both our lives.” His hands were pressed against the window glass now, as if he could will her to open it. “Let me fix it. I’ve got to fix it. Just let me tell you everything I should have told you. Like the way the smell of you haunts me. I breathe you for hours, even when you’re not there, like you’re inside me.”

“That’s pretty good,” Mooney noted to several people who’d stopped to watch. They all agreed with him.

“Open the window, Fred. I need to touch you.”

He wasn’t even sure if she was listening. All he could see was the insulated barrier of draperies. He set up the portable keyboard, to the hoots and calls of encouragement of the crowd below.

“We wrote this song for each other, Fred, and I didn’t even know it.”

He played the opening chord from “It Was Ever You” and, tossing pride away, sang.

He was into the second verse before she snapped the drapes aside and tossed up the window.

“Stop it,” she demanded. “You’re making a fool out of yourself and embarrassing me. Now I want you to—”

“I love you.”

That stopped her. He saw tears swim into her eyes before she fought them back. “I’m not putting myself through this again. Now go away.”

“I’ve always loved you, Freddie,” he said quietly. “That’s why there was never anyone else who meant anything, or could. I was wrong, stupid, to think I had to let you go. I need you to forgive me, Fred, to give me another chance, because there’s nothing without you.”

The first tear fell. “Oh, why are you doing this? I’d made up my mind.”

“I should have done it a long time ago. Don’t leave me, Fred. Give me a chance.” Nick picked up the flowers again and offered them.

After a moment’s hesitation, she took them. “It isn’t just flowers, Nick. I was angry then. It’s—”

“I was afraid to love you,” he murmured. “Because it was so big, so huge, I thought it might swallow me whole. And I was afraid to show you.”

Her gaze lifted from the flowers, held his. She’d once dreamed about seeing that look in his eyes. The tenderness, the strength, and the love. “I never wanted you to be anything but what you are, Nick.”

“Come on out.” His eyes never left hers when he held out his hand. “Welcome to my world.”

She sniffled, then shook her head with a laugh. “All right, but we’ll probably be arrested for arson.”

“No problem. I’ve got a cop watching.”

Even as she stepped out on the crowded platform, she looked down. Besides the uniform, there were several others in the audience. Someone waved at her.

“Nick, this is ridiculous. We can talk this through inside.”

“I like it out here.” She’d wanted romance. By God, he was going to give it to her. “And there’s not much to talk about—just tell me you still love me.”

“I do.” Swamped with it, she lifted a hand to his cheek. “I do love you.”

“Forgive me?”

“I wasn’t going to. Ever. I was going to live without you, Nick.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.” He laid a hand over the one resting on his cheek. “And now?”

“You haven’t left me much choice.” She brushed a tear away. “What were you thinking of, candles and music before noon?”

She’d already forgiven him, he realized, humbled. “I thought it was time I did the courting. Do you want me to go to the next step in my master plan?”

“I want to apologize about that.”

“I hope you won’t.” He lifted her hand and kissed it, in a gesture that made her blink. “I intend to remind you, for the rest of your life, that you came gunning for me. I’m glad you did.” He kissed her hand again. “I’m going to need a long time to show my gratitude.” Watching her, he shifted and took a small box out of his pocket. “I’m hoping you’ll give it to me. Marry me, Fred.” He flipped the top on the box to reveal an elegantly simple, traditional diamond. “No one’s ever loved you the way I do. No one ever will.”

“Nick.” She pressed her hand to her mouth. This wasn’t a dream, she realized. Not a fantasy, not a stage in some careful plan. It was real and wrenching.

And perfect.

“Yes. Oh, yes.” On a watery laugh, she threw herself into his arms.

“Looks like the boy hit a home run after all,” Mooney observed. He gave himself the pleasure of watching the couple five stories up kiss as if they’d go on that way through eternity.

Then he tapped his stick. “Okay, let’s move along. Give them some privacy.”

Whistling, Mooney sauntered away. He glanced back once, smiled as he saw the pretty woman toss her bouquet high in the air.

Nick LeBeck, Mooney thought. The boy had come a long way.