Sultry Oblivion by Alexa Padgett
Aya
Jenna turned to look at me. “While they’re gone, I wanted to ask, are you planning to stay?”
I opened my mouth but then slammed it shut. I’d simply hopped on a plane, needing to get back home, needing to see Nash—and, yes, to get away from the maelstrom Alistair’s surprise proposal had made of my life. Talk about a crazy move. I never did anything without thought and planning.
Except I had once before. My father had made it sound rational then, but was it? I’d simply left Nash with the fallout of his first drug experience—an unwanted one. A violation. And I’d refused to hear him in London, too blinded by my own emotions and fears.
“I… Austin’s home,” I said, feeling more confident now that the words were out there.
Jenna nodded. “In some ways, we are so alike. So, do you plan to stay with Nash?”
“I don’t know.” I twisted my fingers. “I just got on a plane. That’s so unlike me.”
“Why’d you do it?” Jenna asked, voice soft.
I swallowed. “Part of it was what you said, part of it was defiance of my father and Alistair. But I’d already realized how much I missed Austin, and I thought about how much I missed Nash. I’d been trying to push on without this place, my only home, without him.”
“And when that failed, you decided to come back.” Jenna nodded. “I did the same thing, leaving Seattle after that trial.” She waved her hand. “We’re not talking about me. Just know, I get it. And you already have Nash and Hugh, Mama Grace, Cam, Kate, me—we’re all in your corner, Aya. Whatever you decide.”
“I don’t want to drag Nash’s name through the mud because I look like an opportunist. That’s part of what people will say.” I twisted my hands together, tugging at my fingers—an effort to release the tension building inside me. “That I tossed over Alistair for a better option.”
“There will always be chatter,” Jenna said gently.
I touched my fingertips to my forehead, my mind whirling. “I don’t handle the mean comments well.”
“Who does? I sure don’t.” Jenna stared into my eyes. “Only way to get through is one step at a time.”
“I’m scared.”
“I was, too, when I started dating Cam. Why don’t you come out and stay with Mama Grace? She’d love the company. Or…you can stay with Cam and me at our place. Whatever you prefer. That’ll give you and Nash time to get to know each other again without jumping straight into bed and confusing great orgasms with zen-like connections of the soul.”
“Erm…”
Jenna waved her hand. “I say weird shit. I can’t seem to help it, so just ignore it. Unless you find it charming. Then you can tell me I’m better than chocolate and peanut butter. Mmm... Do you have that?”
“I bet Steve can find some,” I said, my eyes widening.
Jenna shook her head. “Better not. If I start, I may not stop. I love eating right now. My ass is going to be bigger than a hippo’s, and not near as firm.”
I bit my lip to keep from giggling. I pressed my teacup to my mouth and burned it a little in an effort to keep the laugh in.
Jenna sighed. “Go ahead. You won’t be the first.”
I set my cup down and chuckled. She smiled as she gathered up some of the shopping bags.
“Let’s get a few of these tried on to see what works. Then I’ll have Chuck put what you don’t like back in the trunk.” She winked. “He’s going to like returning items more than shopping for them.”
I gasped. “You are torturing the poor man.”
“Sure am.” Her voice was chipper. “He deserves it, the cane toad. Plus, I can’t be mad at Cam. He’s doing this crazy protective BS from a place of love and concern. Chuck’s egging him on.”
I spenttwenty minutes trying on various outfits until Jenna deemed the linen slacks and a simple, sleeveless white-and-blue pinstripe blouse as the best choice.
“Ooooh, you look so crisp.” Jenna clapped her hands. “Like a sailing girl. Did they have female sailors? Why didn’t they have female sailors back in the day? Man, we were kept out of everything good.”
“Being a guitar craftswoman seems like a pretty great gig.”
Jenna grinned. “It is, except for the fumes from the sealers. I can’t do those while I’m pregnant.”
For a moment, anxiety and fear flashed in her eyes, but she slid her lashes down to conceal them.
She cleared her throat. “Didn’t I buy you some white or blue slingbacks? Those would be perfect. Casual but dressier than sneakers.” She sorted through boxes until she found the right one.
“How did you know my sizes?” I asked.
“Mama Grace remembered some. The rest I made Chuck find for me.”
“That’s on the internet?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Probably. I mean, you’re rich. You dated rich men. People like to keep tabs on us simply because of that.”
I wrinkled my nose.
Jenna shrugged. “This goes back to that chatter I was talking about earlier. Writing about people like us—it’s about status. We live in a very status-oriented world. You have it because of your wealth but also because your partners have wealth.”
“But the articles about me always find flaws,” I said.
“People want to bring you down to their level. The easiest way to do that is by ripping apart your appearance.”
I sighed. “You’re really smart.”
She shook her head with a slight smile. “Nope. I’ve just been doing this, with Cam, longer than you have, and I like to read books about how our brains work, mainly because mine seems janky.”
“You’re not janky,” I said.
She smiled. “Oh, I am. But I try to embrace it more often than not, especially since Cam loves me both because of and in spite of that jankiness.”
I narrowed my eyes, but Jenna waved me off. “It is what it is—and yes, it started with my public humiliation.”
She explained how her ex-boyfriend’s friend had manipulated her in high school, causing her to be trampled in a crowd.
I clasped her hand as I settled next to her on the side of the bed. “You’re right,” I whispered. “We have a lot in common.”
“Except you handled it better.” Jenna smiled.
“I don’t think I did.” The words formed slowly because I was just understanding them—and my actions. “In fact, I think anything else I’d done would have been better, even lashing out.” I pondered that. “Like Nash used to do.”
“Used to being the key phrase. He turned it all inward after you left,” Jenna said.
I inhaled long and slow. “He hurt himself, badly.”
“As penance,” Jenna said. “But also because he didn’t have any other good targets.”
I plucked at my new linen pants. “I think…I think we have a trust problem.”
Jenna snorted. “You definitely have a trust problem, and without it you can’t build anything lasting.”
I met her gaze. “That’s why you think it’s a good idea for me to stay at the ranch.”
Jenna was more intuitive than I’d given her credit for. I’d have to keep that in mind moving forward.
I slid my feet into the slingbacks she’d set out in front of me and took a deep breath. I looked more relaxed than in my typical silk dresses and skirts. My hair was braided in a loose style that let tendrils frame my face. I felt younger, lighter.
I turned toward Jenna. “You’re right. Nash and I shouldn’t simply jump back into something without building a foundation first.” I fiddled with the end of my braid and nodded. “I know I want long-term with Nash, but he can be so impulsive, like when he proposed last night.”
“He did what now?” Jenna breathed. “Oh my… It was horrible, wasn’t it? I know it was. Cam’s proposal was the worst. What is it with these creative men and shit timing?”
I shrugged. “Well, Nash’s was driven by fear, and he mentioned his dad’s affairs, which didn’t really set the mood…”
“For smart men, they’re morons,” Jenna mumbled. She put her hand on her tummy. “You hear that, baby? Men are dummies.”
“What if you have a boy?” I asked.
“I am.”
“Oh, congratulations.”
She waved her hand. “Cam has macho sperm, and I’m going to have multiple daily heart attacks with a boy…unless he’s like Ike. “That’s Kate’s little boy.”
I perked up. “Kate has a son?”
“Yeah, through Rye. That’s her man. You know about him, right?”
At my head shake, she launched into a long story about Cam’s baby sister, Kate, and her man, Rye Lawson, while I applied my makeup in Nash’s bathroom.
She finished her cup of tea, smacking her lips. “What was that tea? I need to get some.”
“It’s a decaf chai. My mother loved it. Said it helped soothe her.” I smiled.
“Did your mother suffer from anxiety and hyperactivity?” Jenna asked.
“No,” I said. “She’d drink it and ask me to join her, saying she needed it. But it was for me.” I hesitated. “Nash brought it up once, a long time ago, and I said I didn’t have anxiety. But…it’s worse. So much worse since that night.”
Jenna set the mug on the counter. Her gaze was solemn as she met mine in the mirror. “Shame changes you—how you think, how your brain reacts, what it catalogs. I get it. Going out there—I get why you’re doing it. But Nash doesn’t, not really, and he won’t because he can’t. I think you’re being brave but also smart—ripping the Band-Aid off quickly.”
I started to nibble at my lip but stopped when I remembered my fresh lip gloss. I forced a calm I didn’t feel. “Does the anxiety lessen? Does it get easier to face the world?”
“Some, at least some of the time for me. But that’s because Cam loves me, even my crazy reactions and comments. I don’t know why or how, but he does. And I know it in my bones. And because of that, I can…be.”
The last was said with reverence. Her face smoothed, relaxing into soft lines of pleasure.
I wanted that—the feeling that put that look on Jenna’s face. That’s what I wanted with Nash and what I feared we’d never be able to recreate because we’d lost faith in each other long ago.
That lack of trust, and my fear we’d never regain it, was the reason I knew we needed space. Because space, distance, were the only options I had to protect myself, even as I was drawn to Nash, needed him.
Loving someone like Nash was an impossible tension. He owned my heart and always would, in part because of the vulnerability he let so few see. But that same vulnerability made him more susceptible to slights and hurts and internalizing his pain—as he had these past years with drugs and alcohol. If we couldn’t learn to soothe each other, love each other through the rough patches that were sure to come, we were doomed to fail.
Jenna, I realized, could see all of this. She did understand what had happened to me that night. I turned and hugged her, tight.
She returned it.
I whispered my greatest worry. “What if I hurt Nash’s feelings by leaving his house?”
Jenna stepped out of my space and waved her hand. “I got this covered. Don’t worry.”
“But—”
Nash popped his head in through the open bathroom door. He smiled when he saw me, then stepped into the room, appreciation burning in his eyes. “You look gorgeous.”
I swallowed. As much as I wanted Nash, I’d also realized I needed a bit of distance from my breakup with Alistair—to make sure I was making the decision with both my head and heart.
When was the last time I’d let my heart decide anything?
With Nash.
My gaze flashed over to Jenna, and my heart felt like a sparrow, flapping its wings to escape my chest.
“Mama Grace called,” Jenna said as she headed back into the bedroom. I trailed behind her, helping as she began putting clothes back in the bags. “She expects you two for dinner tonight.” She paused, then raised her face, keeping it neutral as she met Nash’s darkening gaze. “And for Aya to stay with her while you’re ‘courting.’”
Nash grimaced before he turned toward me, a look of absolute longing on his face. “Guess we better put these bags back in your car to take to the ranch,” he said before heaving a heartfelt sigh. “Else Mama’s going to box my ears.”
“And not give you any pie,” Jenna added.
“Yeah, that’s worse,” Nash said, his tone morose.