All of Me by Tiffany Patterson

Chapter 28

Lena

A month after Gabe’s trip to Los Angeles, I stood in the middle of The Rustic, surveying the crowd around me. I wanted everything to go perfectly for his surprise birthday party.

I made sure every detail of this party was planned down to the T. All of his closest family and friends were present, including his brothers, father, Preston, and most of the athletes they worked with. Even Eli had come out, taking the night off from taking care of his mother, since he now had more help.

The sounds of an Alice in Chains’ “Man in the Box” played from the rock n’ roll playlist I curated, especially for the party.

“You’re looking like a real cowgirl or something,” Jodi said as she waddled over to me, holding her belly. I would never tell her out loud that she was waddling but at almost nine months pregnant, she was there.

I flared out the bottom of my red, floral-print dress and kicked out one of my legs, showing the brown leather cowboy boots I’d chosen to wear for the evening.

“Everyone is here, right?” I asked, looking around the room. I scanned the crowd again, counting heads to make sure no one was missing. I even invited Gabe’s tattoo artist. The one who’d done such an impressive job on his wolf. And the friend that owned Skins in New York had stopped by since he was in town.

“Do you think he’s going to hate me for this?” I asked Jodi, taking her hand into mine, needing comfort.

“Girl, that man is obsessed with you.” She laughed. “He’s going to love it. Even if he doesn't, he'll pretend he does just to make you happy.” She rolled her eyes and smiled.

“But I don’t want him to pretend. I want him to love it.” Gabe had told me about the big birthday celebrations his mother used to throw for him when he was a young boy. After she died, his birthdays were never quite the same.

“He deserves to be celebrated,” I said out loud before I could catch myself.

“Hmm.”

“What?” I asked Jodi.

She whistled low and chuckled. Jodi rubbed her belly. “You better watch out. You’ll end up with one of these soon.” She pointed to her stomach.

My chest almost cracked open at the thought of being pregnant with Gabe’s baby. I felt warm all over at the idea. Not for the first time, I let myself picture what it would be like to be a mom. With Gabriel as the father. The fact that the thought alone didn’t have me running for the hills indicated where my true emotions were on the matter.

“You used to get wide-eyed and verklempt whenever someone mentioned the idea of getting pregnant by Nate.”

I groaned. “You had to bring that name up?”

She held up her hands. “My bad. I just found the difference in reactions telling.”

Pushing out a breath, I nodded. The truth was, after our first few years together, Nate had started dropping hints that he wanted to have a baby. I may have given into his bullshit on every other subject matter, including my career, but that was one area where I remained resolute. Though, I never told him the whole truth.

I never wanted to bring a baby into our mess.

“He’s on his way,” Micah said as he approached Jodi and me. “He’ll be here in ten minutes.”

I became flustered and bounced around the room, notifying all of the guests that Gabe was on his way and to keep quiet.

“This will mean a lot to him,” Preston said, giving me a half smile.

“You think so?” I asked. Jodi had said about the same thing, but Preston knew Gabe better than just about anyone.

“Not something I would bullshit you about.” He nodded before sauntering off.

The first few times I met Preston, I thought that he didn’t think too highly of me. He was never disrespectful or anything, but he barely said two words, and his demeanor was less than friendly.

But, when I secretly called No Sweat to speak with him about helping me arrange Gabe’s surprise party, he warmed up to me.

I couldn’t dwell too long on Preston as I ran around the bar, ensuring the lights were low and the music was up high, so Gabe wouldn’t suspect anything before he entered. I’d told him to meet me at The Rustic for a round of pool that night.

My phone buzzed.

“He’s here,” I whisper-yelled around the bar, motioning with my arms for everyone to get low.

My heart beat out of my chest. I’d had my doubts about throwing the party at the bar. My ex and my parents all made it clear they wanted their birthdays to be extravagant events. Celebrations had to be on a yacht or at five-star resorts with plenty of photos taken.

If I dared spend anything less than six figures on their birthday, they took it as a personal insult.

Gabe wasn’t them, though. Preston and Micah reassured me that Gabriel would appreciate a surprise party thrown at his favorite local hang-out with all of his family and friends in the building more than anything.

Joel stood on my left and Micah to my right with Jodi. A few feet behind me was his middle brother, Ace. He was the brother I wondered about. At times, even when he smiled, there was a sadness in his grey eyes.

After dinner at Joel’s a few months back, Gabe told me that Ace still was hung up on some things in his past, but he didn’t elaborate.

“He’ll have to work that shit out himself,” Gabe had said.

Finally, there was one person who couldn’t be there that I knew still held a piece of Gabe’s heart. But I’d brought something of his mother to this surprise party. I hoped that when I revealed it to him, he wouldn’t hate me for it.

“That’s him,” I whispered loudly when his shadow passed by the window.

I held my breath as I waited for the door to open.

“One … two … three …”

“Surprise!” we all yelled the last word as soon as Gabe pulled the door to the bar open.

Gabe threw his hands up in a defensive stance, his face contorting into a scowl before he realized what was going on. I burst out into laughter.

He looked over at me and dropped his guard, and a wide grin spread across his lips. Before I could yell ‘happy birthday,’ he wrapped his long arms around me, pulling me into a hug.

My forehead tingled when he brushed his lips against it.

“Happy birthday,” I said into his chest before pulling away and lifting onto my tiptoes.

He kissed me once and then a second time and then granted me a full kiss. I sighed into his mouth.

I had to pull away to let the rest of the guests greet him with hugs and birthday well wishes.

“You did all of this?” Gabe asked, taking my hand in his after everyone came up to hug him.

“With some help. Were you surprised?” I asked. “I figured you wouldn’t want anything too extravagant for your birthday. Preston also agreed when I asked him to help me plan it. But we had to celebrate your big day, somehow. I mean, you know, you told me when you were a kid you looked forward to your birthday more than you did Christmas. And so …”

I trailed off when I realized that I was rambling.

Gabe’s eyes shone with amusement.

“I wanted your birthday to be special,” I finally said.

Cupping my face, Gabe pulled us closer. “It is,” he murmured before kissing me. “Thank you.” His deep voice rumbled through me as it reached inside of me and gently stroked the part of my heart that I thought I’d sealed off to anybody.

“I …” I paused. “I have something to share with you.” My voice was a whisper, barely audible, but Gabe’s eyebrow quirked.

Ace interrupted us before I could tell Gabe what I had on my mind.

“Happy birthday, kid,” he said, extending his arm. Again, while there was a smile on Ace’s face, there was a sadness in his eyes that he tried to mask. “I’ve got a training flight in the morning.”

“Thanks for the watch,” Gabe said, pulling Ace into a hug. Gabe told his brother something in his brother’s ear that I couldn’t hear.

Ace snorted and frowned before he dropped his gaze to me. He went to say something but stopped himself. “You both have a good night.”

Gabe dropped his arm around my shoulders and watched as Ace left.

I wondered about him.

Ace had to have a stressful career as a pilot in the Airforce. Given his schedule with early mornings or sometimes late-night flights and training, I figured that might be the issue. Gabe also mentioned something about a possible transfer or reassignment somewhere abroad.

That had to weigh heavily on him as well, seeing as it would take him away from his entire family.

“We have to cut the cake,” Micah said as he approached.

“I’m hungrier than a rattlesnake with a mouse in his cage,” Joel said, rubbing his belly. “I hear your lady special ordered some sort of red velvet cake.”

Gabe peered down at me with a smirk.

“You loved that red velvet cheesecake we had in New York. I had the owner of the restaurant make this one especially for you.” I also ordered red velvet cheesecake cupcakes for all of the guests.

I motioned for Jodi, and she brought over the microphone I’d had set up before Gabe arrived.

“The cake please,” I said into the mic, signaling for Toni to bring it over. As he did, the chords of “Happy Birthday” began playing, and I started to sing.

Gabe stared me in the eyes the entire time I sang. His orbs gleamed with joy and affection. I hoped I wasn’t making it up in my head. Emotion bubbled up, making it challenging to finish the song. Thankfully, the rest of the crowd picked up the slack for me as they sang the words as well.

I laughed and clapped with everyone else when Gabe blew out the candles.

“Thank you for tonight,” Gabe said sometime later.

“It’s not over yet. I have one more thing I want to give to you.”

“What’s that?” he asked, taking me by the waist.

“Not here. Later,” I promised, telling him that once his party was over, I’d give him his next gift.

Secretly, I prayed that he didn’t hate me for it.

* * *

Gabe

“Now?” I asked, demandingly, once we exited The Rustic after my surprise birthday party. It was well after two in the morning, and the final guest had left the bar. I was ready to be alone with Lena.

“Yes,” she answered, pulling away from me when I tried to pull her into my arms. “But not home. Let’s go for a walk.”

I growled.

“Come on. We’re not going far.”

“Fine, but it’s your fault if some passerby sees you getting fucked out here in the middle of the night.”

She tossed her head back, laughing.

“You think I’m joking.” I’d wanted to take her all damn night since I’d walked into the bar hours ago.

“We’ll see if you still want to do all of that once I give you your gift,” she said cryptically. “Let’s walk to the bridge.”

Tucker Bridge was only a few blocks from the bar and had a place where pedestrians could walk along the side, away from traffic. Locals often referred to it as Harlington’s Golden Gate Bridge because it connected two sides of the city.

Though the summer was over, the weather was still in the mid-sixties, in the middle of the night. A few cars passed over the bridge, but we were the only people out walking.

“I wanted to give you something special for your birthday,” Lena started talking as she stared off into the darkness below. The lights from the bridge and city bounced off the water, causing it to shimmer.

“You did give me something special,” I said as I pulled her to me. “It’s been years since I had all of my family and friends together for my birthday.”

The smile she gave me was tight, not its usual beaming.

“There was one person I couldn’t get here, though. Someone I know you would’ve wanted.” Her voice was as thin as paper.

I wracked my brain trying to figure out who else in the world I would’ve wanted there that night. Aside from my family in Williamsport, most of whom couldn’t make it, I couldn’t think of who else could’ve been there to make it more memorable.

Even Chael and my mother’s side of the family from out West had shown up. Though, they didn’t stay long.

“Who?” I asked.

“Your mother.”

I gave Lena a confused look.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I meant …” She stopped and blew out a heavy breath as she ran her hand over the high puff she wore her hair in. “I’m messing this all up.”

“My mother is dead,” I said.

She nodded. “I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to toss her name out there like that. What I’m trying to say is, I brought this.”

She dug around in her shoulder bag and pulled out an envelope.

I stiffened, recognizing it immediately. The cursive handwriting in black ink was distinguishable in and of itself, but I’d stared at the words on that envelope for years, never daring to open it.

“To My Wolf,” the letter from my mother was addressed. The one I never opened.

“Gabe.”

“Why do you have that?”

Lena flinched, and I hated that my voice scared her, but the way my insides trembled at the sight of the envelope in her hands, I couldn’t help it.

“Because you need to read it.”

“I’ll read it when I’m ready,” I said.

“When will that be?” Lena asked. “Your mother left this to you almost seventeen years ago. These were her last words to you. Don’t you want to know what she said?”

“Of course I do.” My voice came out hoarse.

“Then why haven’t you read it?”

A million excuses ran through my head, but I couldn’t form my lips to say any of them out loud.

The honest answer was that I was too much of a chicken shit to read it.

“Fear,” I admitted.

“Of what?”

It wasn’t until that moment that I realized what had held me back from reading that letter all of these years. I always thought it was the incident with my ex, the one that taught me to keep on my guard, never let anyone get too close to me. But that was only a partial truth.

“She’s gone.”

Lena stepped closer, taking my hand into her. “I know.”

I shook my head and peered down into her cinnamon eyes. The openness and love shining so brightly in her eyes allowed me to feel comfortable enough to open up.

“No, I mean …” I sighed. “She’s really gone if I read that.” I pointed at the letter in her hand. Her left hand tightened around mine. “That’s the last thing she ever gave me. Ever will give me. If I read that, I have nothing left of her. Nothing new. Nothing more to look forward to from my mother.”

Every year after she died and since my father gave me that letter, I said I would read it. The anniversary of her passing, I said I would read it. It would come and go, and then I’d say on my birthday, I’d read it. Those came and went as well, and I put it off for another year.

“Babe, whether you read it or not, these are her last words to you. There won’t be anything else coming from her. But …” Lena stepped forward, “maybe what she wrote here, you can carry it in your heart. Keep it with you forever, just like the memories you had of her when she was alive.”

She held out the letter to me. I hesitated before eventually taking it. I stared down at the words written on the outside. I’d memorized every loop and curve of her handwriting.

“Why do you want me to read this?” I asked Lena.

“Because someone once told me that they want all of me,” she said, almost whispering. “I love you, Gabriel Grey Wolf Townsend. You have my whole heart. And I want all of yours. I can’t have it if you’re not willing to own all of it yourself. That includes your past.” She dipped her head toward the letter. “Read it.”

She stepped back, releasing my wrist. “I’ll give you some time to read it alone.”

“No.” I grabbed her by the arm, pulling her to me again. “I want you with me when I read it.”

She visibly swallowed but nodded.

I held my free hand over the envelope, looking at the words one final time before flipping it over and opening it. My heart pounded in my chest, though I knew it was foolish to feel frightened about what I might read.

I took a deep breath and pulled the one-page letter out.

I chose to read it out loud.

Dear Wolf,

I’m so sorry these are the final words I will write to you. What I’m more sorry about is the time I don’t get to spend with you. From the day you were born, I looked forward to seeing you grow and mature into the man you’re destined to become. Now, instead of doing that up close, I will have to watch you from afar.

I wish I could tell you everything I know about life and love in this letter, but there are never enough words. Never enough time. I do want to tell you a story.

The day you were born was one of the happiest days in my life. You were the easiest pregnancy I had. Everyone said that because I was older, I’d have more trouble with you, but from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were special. As soon as you were born, you cried so loud. But when the doctor put you on my chest, you stopped immediately and began suckling.

Your instincts were so good, I knew you were my wolf. You see, a wolf has incredible instincts. And when they love, they love hard. They’re ferocious in their protection. Just like you have been throughout my sickness. A wolf is also sensitive. Please, Wolf, always trust your gut. It will never steer you wrong. Even when you fear that it has, trust it. It will always lead you home.

I love you, Gabriel. With everything inside of me. Do not let my death make you become bitter and closed off. I can already see that happening in your father and your oldest brother. You are my youngest and most sensitive. Do not allow my death or the world to take away your sweetness.

Be both sides of the wolf. And look for me in the sunrise.

Love always,

Mom

I stared at the letter, reading the words over and over, silently, after reading them out loud. Seconds turned into minutes as I soaked in my mother’s words. The first tear fell sometime after I read it for the third time. Then came the second.

“It’s okay, babe,” Lena softly whispered in my ear while stroking my back.

For the first time in years, I let the torrent of sadness wash over me. I couldn’t hold back.

“Even wolves have to let their guard down sometimes,” Lena consoled before pressing a kiss to my forehead.

This was in complete opposition to what Joel had taught me ever since my mother died. A man doesn’t show his weakness. He takes care of his family and carves out a life for himself. Those were his teachings. They’d been hammered home by life and the betrayal of the first woman I thought I loved.

But I didn’t feel that fear with Lena. Not as I read the letter out loud. Not when the first tears started. And not when she began rocking me and singing while stroking my hair.

We must’ve remained on that bridge for at least another hour. By the time I stood up, I felt drained but oddly refreshed.

“Ready to go home?” she asked with her hand outstretched.

With a nod, I took her hand into mine. In silence, I led her off the bridge and back to The Rustic. Instead of driving home immediately, I took her to an overlook where we watched the sunrise that morning.

“I miss her,” I admitted to Lena.

She turned to me and pressed a palm to my chest. “She’s right here.”

My chest warmed, and it felt like something that I didn’t realize was broken had healed in those few hours. Not wholly, but healed enough that if rubbed up against, the wound wouldn’t reopen.