Just This Once by Evelyn Jeannie Hall
Fourteen
Whatever Lacey had been about to ask him flew away like a flock of pigeons.
“You smell and taste like sugar,” he said, groping at her breasts with one hand while the other reached under her skirt.
“I used the powdered stuff on some lemon filled donuts earlier…”
He made a noise between a yum and a swallow against her skin, and at first, she tipped her head back so he could lick the column of her throat, utterly under his spell. But as the seconds ticked onward, something about this encounter struck her as peculiar. Desperate. On the exterior it may have seemed fun and sexy, but beneath all that she could feel the undercurrents of something more troublesome at work.
“Zane?” He continued on, his fingers seeking her folds as he sucked hard—too hard?—on her neck. “I don’t know if… Zane, wait!” Her last words left her at a yell, but she wasn’t sure whether that did the trick or if using the term wait did. Whichever one it was, he paused, yanking his hands away from her most sensitive places as he set her back down. Lacey hadn’t even realized he’d lifted her off her feet.
“What is it?” he huffed out with a crease across his forehead. He seemed almost angry.
“Something’s not…” How did she put this? “Are you okay?”
“Why are you asking me that?” he demanded, his gaze boring a hole in her shoulder. Was he avoiding her eyes? What just happened? They’d gone from flirting to quizzing to tonsil hockey to this.
“I just feel like you’re not yourself.”
He let her go and took a pace backwards, severing all physical contact. Then, he twisted so she could no longer make out his expression, rubbing his large palm back and forth over the dome of his shaved head. Now what? See, this was why she’d never attempted to involve herself in a relationship. She didn’t know what the hell she was doing. And it felt so much more complicated since she felt feelings for him she wasn’t supposed to. She needed to turn them off, bury them before they became more of an issue than they already were.
With his back to her, he asked, “Did I hurt you?”
Hurt her?
“No. Not at all.”
Gradually, his turned back around. Then, he lowered his gaze until his eyes landed on a location somewhere about four inches south of her left earlobe. “I left a hickey.”
Lacey lifted a hand to her neck and moved to stand by the swinging metal door that led to the kitchen. It was metal and partially reflective. She saw it then. That speckly violet mark along the side of her throat. Ironically, this made her body go even wetter. For God’s fucking sake, she had some random-ass kinks. But sex didn’t seem like the best solution for whatever was transpiring between them right now.
She considered stroking along his arm to soothe him but held off at the last moment. Lacey had brought their sexcapade to a screeching halt and couldn’t even articulate why she’d done it. Had anyone ever created an award for the worst friend with benefits in history? She felt like she must’ve earned at least an honorable mention.
Lacey felt anxious, and when she felt anxious, the filter she had between her mouth and brain—thin as it tended to be—dissolved altogether. As a result, she started to babble.
“I hate taking my courses online. It’s so clinical and lonely. I only did it because of the convenience factor, but now, here I am, two years into my degree without ever having a real college experience.” Zane didn’t respond to her ramblings other than to glance over at her. The eye contact stayed fleeting as he averted his gaze again an instant later. “I mean, I like curriculum design, but taking these courses hasn’t been what I’d thought it’d be. And aren’t I a little too seasoned to walk onto a university campus somewhere like an eighteen-year-old coed? I haven’t been in a regular classroom in thirteen years.”
“You’re more than capable of doing whatever you choose,” he spoke just above a whisper. His sentiment didn’t sound perfunctory, though, and encouraged by this, she went on.
“The thing is, I can’t quit. I can’t switch majors. I can’t bail.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve quit before. Over and over. I’ve floated around like a wayward cloud so often I’ve gained a reputation for it. I’ve begun jobs only to abandon them more times than I’d like to admit. I inquired about classes at a community college in Missouri on three separate occasions but never took the next step. That’s why my family thinks of me as flighty and fickle,” she confessed, and from the diffident cast of his features, she knew she’d struck a chord. “So, I have to prove that I’m able to follow through with something for once. I have to prove to my loved ones that they can count on me.”
Which they didn’t. They couldn’t because she’d already shown them how big of a failure she’d be. And worst of all, she’d shown no intestinal fortitude at a time when lives had been at stake. Elizabeth’s. Katrina’s. Benji’s. When things mattered the most, Lacey had done nothing to save them. It was why she had no other options now.
“I don’t think they believe that, Lacey.”
“They do. They should. I let them all down.”
“Because you used to change your mind a lot?”
She shook her head. “When Katrina’s ex busted down our door, I didn’t stand up to him. I didn’t even try to sneak out to get my phone so I could call 911. No, what I did was cower in the bathroom while my sisters and Benji faced that psycho alone. I left the three of them in mortal peril because I’m a chickenshit. There’s zero excuse for that.”
“Benjamin’s talked to me about that night. He told me you keeping yourself holed up out of sight helped him. That way he didn’t have to divide his attention between multiple targets. You staying put enabled him to win that fight.”
Oh, how she yearned to buy into Zane’s story. But she feared he was just trying to make her feel better.
“That isn’t the only time I’ve fucked up. Did you know I was roofied once?”
“Jesus Christ,” he swore, goggling at her, and she wished she could backpedal. Her verbal diarrhea had become worse than usual today. Lacey had never mentioned that fact to anyone.
“It was so ironic. I’d spent four years in Europe. Four years. Carrying around my passport and living here and there without a care in the world. Renewing my work visa wherever I needed to and having a blast. Then, the second I set foot on American soil. Bam!”
“What happened?” he asked when she didn’t immediately continue, reaching up to cup her chin. His touch affected her like a balm, and she closed her eyes as she nuzzled his palm.
“I was stupid. Too young. Too naïve. Too trusting. I sat down next to this older couple at the airport there in Florida. Get it? I sat down next to them. We’re talking, sharing drinks, and having a grand ole time. Next thing I know, I’m waking up with my cheek against the toilet in the bottom of a stall in the public restroom.”
“Fuck.”
“Luckily, there was no fucking, consensual or otherwise. It wasn’t that kind of crime. But the only thing they left me with was this.” She traced the concentric circles of her seashell necklace. “Thank God for small favors.”
“Jesus, baby, I’m so sorry.” Zane enveloped her body in his strong arms, and even though she felt wrung out, she also felt slightly more at ease. Her spirit seemed lighter. As if she’d been absolved somehow. At least partially. And that made her feel brave.
“So, enough about me.” She spoke into his chest. “What’s bothering you?”
He hesitated for several lengthy heartbeats, making her wonder if her pouring out her deepest darkest secrets had backfired. But then, at last, he spoke.
“The date.” He blew out a noisy breath. “Today is May 24th.”
“What’s May 24th?”
“Nine years ago, it was my wedding day. And eight years ago next week is when I signed the divorce papers.”
Lacey pressed her lips together. She’d known he’d been married to some woman—Aisha, Alison, Alicia?—but since she’d overheard that by eavesdropping, she didn’t want to divulge that detail. Also, watching him scowl and scrub at the back of his neck told her this was a sore spot. A sizable one.
She didn’t know what to say, so for once, she said nothing. Instead, she maneuvered him over to one of the sets of scratched-up Formica tables in a mustard yellow, sat him in a matching chair, and massaged his shoulders from behind. The muscles there felt like blocks of wood, they were so bunched up. Eventually, after much kneading, she let the one question that had been percolating through her brain burble out of her.
“What was her name?”
“Aliyah. I worshipped the ground that woman walked on. But she turned out to be…” he trailed off, staring into space as he absently stroked his goatee.
“Turned out to be what?” Lacey prodded.
“Listen, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but I don’t enjoy discussing her. The truth is I should’ve seen through her, and I didn’t.” Zane shrugged, then reached up to take Lacey’s hands in his, tugging them down until her arms rested in a V over his collarbone.
She rearranged herself so she could sit on his lap and set her head on his shoulder. Silence reigned for a few minutes before Lacey broke it again. “I think most of us do stuff we regret. Benji left Butterfield out of a sense of misplaced guilt. Katrina married a violent madman. We just discussed my many failings. And for you it was picking the wrong girl. The only one I know who didn’t screw the pooch royally is Elizabeth, and even then, she became a widow at twenty-nine. Life doesn’t leave any of us unscathed if we live it long enough.”
He released a derisive snort. “That’s for damn sure.”
“Yeah, but if you could go back and change any of it, would you?”
“I don’t know. Probably.” He sounded indecisive.
“That entire being drugged incident has frosted my cookie for years, but I did learn a valuable lesson that day.”
“What’s that?”
“That I need my family. I went home and spent time with them once that happened to me, after years of wandering around like an aimless nomad. Mom was diagnosed with ALS two years later and died five years after that. If I’d kept floating around, I would’ve missed that time with her.”
Zane nodded. “I get it. My mom, sister and brother-in-law live in Detroit, and I make an effort to go see them and have regular convos. Tasha and Oberlin remind me of Benjamin and Kat in a lot of ways.”
“You mean they’re deliriously adorable to the point that you have to look away so you don’t scar your retinas?”
He snorted with honest humor that time. “Yeah, kinda.” Then he gave her one of his patented slow smiles. “I think you’ve been a good daughter, a good sister, and a good sister-in-law.”
“Hey,” she objected, pinching him impishly. “Don’t forget good friend.”
“You are a good friend,” he agreed. “With bennies. Have I ever told you how much I love having you as my fuck buddy?”
Lacey knew their conversation had taken a healthy turn for the tongue in cheek, but something about his choice of phrasing made her stomach sink a little. She played it off, though. No since bringing the mood down after they’d lifted it up again. So, she threw all her energy into playing the part of a woman who was ready Freddy.
“How much?”
He deepened his already deep voice. “Why don’t I show you?”
And Lacey let him.