Christmas with a Czar by Emily Murdoch

12

Anne leaned back. “Well, I cannot eat another bite. Can you, Meredith?”

Meredith’s eyes were a little glazed over, a sure fire sign that she had overeaten. “Pardon?”

Sir Thomas chuckled as he looked at his girls. “Well, I have to admit, I am impressed by the fare the kitchens here have been able to provide. You never know, when away from home, whether the quality will be precisely what you are expecting.”

Anne placed a hand on her stomach. She had certainly eaten more than she had expected, but then, what was the point in attempting to remain slender? No gentleman would be calling on her any time soon, and with that disappeared any incentive.

Maxim had loved her body. No, Anne corrected herself silently, wincing at the very thought of him. Maxim had made love to her body. He had no real interest in her. As soon as he discovered the truth about her, the one secret she had, he had made it perfectly clear that he could not consider her as a bride.

“You really believed, after hurling accusations at me and revealing your own…history – you thought we could just ignore today and get married tomorrow?”

“Right then,” said her father, cutting through into her thoughts. “If we go now, we should be in time to see the royal family arrive.”

Anne sighed heavily. “May I stay here, in our rooms, Father? I am not feeling up to company today.”

Sir Thomas frowned. “We have to go, Annika. My goodness, ‘tis Christmas!”

Anne winced. That little pet name, once so beloved by her when only her father had used it, was spoiled now. Maxim had ruined it for her.

Meredith looked between them and then said loyally, “I do not wish to go either, Papa.”

Anne smiled, despite herself. Perhaps now that the truth was out in the open between them, they would become even closer. Perhaps there was joy to be found in this situation, even if her heart was breaking.

“Of course you do,” she said gently. “Do you not want to see the decorations, the candles, and the royal family?”

Her daughter squirmed in her seat. “There…there is a boy that I was hoping to see there.”

Anne looked over her head and mouthed ‘boy’ to her father. Sir Thomas shrugged and shook his head with a sigh.

“Well, if you wish to meet your gentleman friend, we will need to go,” he said aloud. “Come now, Meredith. Go and choose a piece of jewellery from your sister’s things, you deserve a treat this Christmas. And change into your court clothes, while you are there.”

Cheeks a little pink at the admission of a gentleman friend, Meredith obediently rose and stepping into her own room.

Anne leaned back and shook her head. “A gentleman friend. She is not even thirteen, Father.”

“It will be innocent enough,” he said bracingly. “Come now. You will need to change, too, and while you are changing gowns may I suggest a change in expression?”

“This was supposed to be my wedding day, Father,” Anne said fiercely, not bothering to keep her voice down. “I do not think it will be as simple as just deciding to be cheerful.”

Sir Thomas had risen and was pulling off his waistcoat to swap it for a more formal one. “Nonsense. You will enjoy it once we see the royal family. You do not know, maybe you could meet another gentleman and – ”

“No.”

Her word was so final that Sir Thomas turned to stare at her. “Anne?”

She smiled sadly. “Father, no more. I…my heart cannot take it anymore. Let us survive through today, maybe a few more days, and then let us go home.”

“But – ”

“I am going to get dressed,” she said calmly, rising to her feet as Meredith came back into the room. “My daughter needs her mother.”

Sir Thomas’ eyes expanded dangerously, and Anne could not help but laugh. Perhaps this was going to bring about a new change in her family? Perhaps they could all be more honest with each other, now all this misery had occurred.

“She knows, Father. She knows,” Anne said gently, touching his arm lightly as she passed. “Do not ask me how, but she does, and I think it is for the best. I will be back within twenty minutes.”

It seemed that only after a few minutes, the three of them were entering into the centre of the court. Despite her father’s words, Anne could already see that it would be a dull affair. Few people of any elegance were there, and there was no energy in the room, no vibrancy. The royal family, it appeared, were not going to attend.

Anne found herself breathing out slowly. So, Maxim would not be here. There was no chance of it if the Prince Regent was not going to be here.

The thought should have brought her joy, but instead it merely made her feel even more despondent. At this very moment, she should have been returning from the church, a married woman, to receive the blessing of the Regent. Instead…

“Now, Meredith,” Sir Thomas was saying very seriously, glaring at his granddaughter who was smiling and waving at a boy of about her age across the other side of the room. “Are you going to introduce us to your friend?”

Anne knew she must step in. “Meredith, you are not to leave this room, you understand?”

Meredith raised her eyes to her mother’s, and likely for the first time, received a mother’s glare. “Yes, Anne.”

Anne smiled. “Then enjoy yourself. We will be here if you tire of your friend and wish for our company.”

Her daughter nodded, and then instead of scampering off as she would have done merely days ago, she elegantly walked across the room, curtsying as she arrived at the family group where her friend was standing.

Anne felt a heavy hand on her arm, and smiled at her father. “She is quite safe.”

Sir Thomas sighed and shook his head. “That is what I thought about her mother.”

Anne grasped his hand. “Whatever you did, you did for the best. I am just sorry that I was not able to live up to your expectations.”

“Nonsense,” her father said, waving aside her words. “I am more sorry that I have…well, pushed you towards Alex Dmitri Maximilian Konstantine, or whatever his name was.”

Her stomach clenched, and her heart seemed to break all over again. She would have been his wife, and yet now she will never see him again.

“It has made you so unhappy, and that is unforgiveable.”

“No,” she said firmly, “please do not apologise. I know you intended the best for me, and I understand why. It is not your fault that your plans did not come to pass. We could not have known that my secret would ruin everything.”

There was a moment of silence between them, and then her father removed his arm.

“You are…more upset, than I thought you would be,” he said delicately.

Anne smiled wanly, and nodded. “Well, I do not believe either of us predicted that I would actually fall in love with Maxim, did we? I should have known secrets would come between us. I should have known a Czar at Christmas wasn't someone you could depend on.”

Someone tapped on her shoulder. “So, you are the Czarina, are you?”

* * *

Maxim’s heart was hardly beating, and he knew that because it was in his mouth. It had almost given out after he had forced Éduard’s horse to gallop far faster than it was able, and he had almost fallen over dismounting and rushing into St. James’ Court.

This was it. This was the moment he could win Annika back.

Did he deserve her? Probably not. Ever since she had stormed out of his bed chamber, he had gone over and over every word they had exchanged, and now in the cold light of day, could find little wrong with it.

He had behaved despicably, but he had to try. He would always wonder why.

He swallowed, and repeated, “So, you are the Czarina, are you?”

Annika was staring, and her father behind her was glaring in a most unpleasant manner.

“What do you want, you cad?” Sir Thomas spoke quietly, evidently unwilling to create a crowd, but his words were venomous. “Please leave my daughter alone.”

Maxim’s eyes moved to Annika, who was blushing.

“I am no Czarina, sir,” she said calmly, her gaze not leaving him. “I believe one must marry a Czar for that.”

Was there warmth in those words, or just shock? Maxim could not tell, and he had little opportunity to discern her expression as she grabbed his arm and pulled him away from her father towards a corner of the room. Christmas decorations filled most of it, but she was able to force him away from everyone else before she hissed.

“What are you doing here?”

“Happy Christmas,” Maxim said weakly. What was the matter with him? He had had this all planned out, all agreed internally, and now he was standing before her, his legs were jelly and his mouth had no ability to speak coherently.

Annika rolled her eyes. “That is not helpful, Maxim. You know what I mean.”

He sighed, dropping his gaze, and finding it immediately resting on her delectable form. His eyes snapped back to her face. “I know what you meant. I am sorry, it is just…I have not done this much before?”

Curiosity shone in her face. “What, exactly?”

“Apologised,” he said blandly. Why was his voice shaking? “I…I needed you to know that I will always regret losing you all my life. Even more so than losing the Czardom.”

It was impossible to tell whether his words were having any impact. She was certainly still standing before him, and had not slapped him yet. Surely that was a good sign? Did she, perhaps, want him as much as he wanted her?

“I could not live with myself,” he said in a low voice, “not trying again. To see whether it would be possible for…for you to forgive me.”

Maxim held his breath. His entire future, his potential happiness, was resting on the response Annika now gave him.

It did not appear that he would be made happy. Annika’s forehead had puckered into a frown, and her arms had folded before her.

“I do not know why I should,” she said quietly, her voice steely. “You were not completely honest with me, and I in turn was not entirely honest with you. Perhaps…perhaps it would be best for both of us if we do not see each other again. You are not in Kent often. It should not be too difficult.”

Any hope Maxim had of reconciliation, perhaps even a stolen kiss, disappeared. Éduard had not warned him about this horrendous sinking feeling, when one realised that the love of your life was willing to go the rest of her days without laying eyes on you.

“I am not willing to give up,” he found himself saying, all his pent up fears pouring from him. “We have experienced too much, shared too much, just to ignore how we feel about each other, Annika.”

“Oh?” She raised an eyebrow. “And how do we feel about each other?”

Maxim swallowed and looked around the room. There was no one too close to them, no one who could overhear him. But this was a statement he had never made before, and when it came to speaking it aloud, his courage failed him.

“I was wrong, and I apologise,” he said instead, hating himself for being such a coward. “I was…surprised, shall we say, by your admission. That surprise does not make my reaction acceptable – if anything, it makes it worse. I should have listened to you, heard the whole story.”

Even his admission of guilt did not seem to be melting Annika’s heart. Suspicions were in her eyes, and when she spoke, it was in an accusing manner.

“And where has this change of heart come from?”

Maxim did not answer immediately, but instead reached out and took her hand in his. It was warm, heating his whole body and bringing him back to life.

“A good friend attempted to knock some sense into me,” he murmured, “but I realised I could consider myself an impressive Czar all I wanted, but that meant nothing if I did not have compassion for those I truly loved.”

With his final word, Annika looked down at her hand which was being held in his. She did not speak, but she did not pull her hand away.

“I treated you with no compassion and that was wrong – as not just a czar, but a human being,” Maxim said urgently. “You make me feel alive, in a way I had not done since losing my family.”

“You made me feel the same,” she whispered, her eyes lifting to his. “But I can’t be hurt like that again.”

“It hurt because this means something, because it’s something valuable we must not lose,” he said fiercely. “Annika, everything in my life has changed now. My priorities were…I mean…everything I thought was important just pales in comparison when I look at you, and…”

Maxim’s voice trailed away. It was not possible to put into words what he had risked when he had pushed her away. Had he utterly lost it? Was there no way back?

Annika frowned. “We met but a week ago. How can you be sure that these – these feelings, are real?”

That, at least was a question he could answer. “I just know. I love you, Annika. I love you.”

His free hand moved to the pocket of his coat and pulled out the gift he had considered throwing in the Thames yesterday. Her eyes widened as she saw the small box move towards her.

“One last gift,” he whispered.

Almost seemingly against her will, Annika reached out for the box and opened it, gasping as the candlelight sparkled in the exquisite diamond ring.

“That was my great-grandmother’s ring,” Maxim breathed. “It was her daughter’s, and her daughters, and one day, I would like it to be your daughter’s. Our daughter’s, if you will permit me the greatest privilege of being part of Meredith’s life…and yours.”

Not taking his eyes from her, he lowered himself onto bended knee. There were murmurs around the room, and he could distinctly hear Lady Romeril’s voice near the back.

“Proposing? I thought they were engaged?”

“All secrets are out now,” he said quietly. “Let us make this a Christmas we never forget.”

He had expected – well, hoped – that Annika would smile, accept him, and perhaps even give him a kiss. At the very least, he had thought she would smile.

But she hesitated.

“What are you nervous about?”

Annika reached out and touched his hand, and whispered, “Any more secrets?”

No matter what her words said, he could feel the warmth in her fingers, could see the way she leaned towards him.

A smile crept over his face. “Many, but none that really matter. The rest are just detail. You?”

Annika smiled and spoke so softly that only he could hear. “The father of Meredith is a Kaiser.”

Maxim froze.

Her laugh seemed to resound around the room. “You will have to become accustomed to my sense of humour when we are married, you know.”

She pulled him up to his feet, and then pulled his face towards hers. Maxim kissed her passionately, pouring all the frustrations of the last twenty four hours onto her lips. When they finally broke apart, there were astonished gasps around the room. Maxim glanced over at Sir Thomas, who was smiling broadly.

“Well, no time like the present,” Maxim said lightly. “Father Michail?”

Father Michail stepped forward, rather out of breath. “I came as soon as I received your note, Czar, but – ”

Annika was laughing as Maxim pushed the ring onto her finger. “You came prepared! How on earth could you possibly know that I would say yes?”

Maxim entwined his fingers in hers as Meredith came running over, her eyes shining. “Every Czar needs a Czarina by his side.”