Inked Devotion by Carrie Ann Ryan

Chapter 18

Brenna

Iwasn’t sure I could blame everything on hormones, yet part of me knew that might be the case right now. My body hurt, my soul ached, and I felt like all I did was make mistake after mistake.

I had been so mean to myself and Benjamin the night before. So casually cruel. I knew I was acting off, that I wasn’t saying the right things, but as I opened my mouth, random words just tumbled out.

There was no excuse other than I needed to stop and take a minute to think of what I was doing.

“You want to talk about it?” Archer asked me from my side, and I turned, doing my best to pull myself from my thoughts.

We were at Riggs’, doing our best to do monthly evenings at the bar. We used to do it weekly, but between work and new challenges and changes in our lives, we were no longer able to meet up as often. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, as I already missed how much time we had spent with one another. However, maybe it was for the best. After all, I didn’t know where I stood with Benjamin, and I knew the others were going to be able to tell that something was off with us the moment they looked at us. Considering Archer was here talking to me about it right then, I had been right.

“Everything’s fine,” I lied.

“You can’t lie to me, Brenna. You’re my friend, and having a baby with my brother. I can tell these things.”

“Me being pregnant with a Montgomery baby means that suddenly you can read my thoughts?” I asked, teasing, though not fully teasing. I wouldn’t be surprised if some radar and tracking software came with the Montgomerys.

“Not that way, though that would be a cool trick,” Archer said with a laugh.

I shook my head. “I’m fine. I need to think.”

“You can think and talk.”

“We are in the middle of the bar while most of the family is on the dance floor, and I don’t think that me talking about my problems or lack thereof right now is the best thing.”

“Know I’m always here for you like I know you will always be here for me.” Something in his tone worried me, but when his face closed off, I realized that maybe I wasn’t the only one lost in my feelings and thoughts. I wanted to say something, ask what was wrong, but I couldn’t. There was something in his face that told me he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Well, I wasn’t prepared either. So we made for a pair.

I opened my mouth to say something, but then Benjamin finally walked in. I wasn’t going to lie and say I hadn’t been looking for him this whole time, because I had. He had been running late with an issue at work, which seemed to be coming up more often than not recently. He was on a tough job that was taking almost all of his time, and while I understood that, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was grateful for the reprieve from my awkwardness. Once again, I was centering all of our decisions on myself, and I needed to stop doing that.

“And I see I’m no longer needed in this conversation,” Archer teased. I looked over at him.

“What?” I ask, blinking back to the now.

“Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it. However, your man is here. You should talk to him, tell him how you feel.”

I looked at him and then at our crowd of people that did not include his fiancé.

“You want to talk about feelings?” I asked pointedly.

He rolled his eyes. “Marc is out of for business, something you well know. That’s why he’s not here. He always comes to Montgomery events at Riggs’, while I go with him to his business meetings at high-end bars that serve martinis that are more expensive than my first car.”

That made me smirk. “You guys are making it work, though.”

He smiled, his eyes full of love. “We are. We come from different walks of life, and we don’t always agree on everything, but we shouldn’t have to. We’re allowed to have our own opinions and wants and needs. We compromise with each other, and speaking to one another is what makes a relationship work.”

“When did you get so wise, Archer Montgomery?”

“I’ve always been wise. You have just been too lost in your thoughts to see it.”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t have to make all of your decisions right away. If you aren’t ready for something serious beyond having a baby, which—hello—is very serious, make sure he knows that. If you’re just scared, and that’s why you’re walking away or pushing him away? Then make sure you realize that’s what it is.”

“I didn’t tell you a single thing, Archer. Did Benjamin talk to you?” I asked, my heart racing. How could Archer know me so well?

From the look on his face, I knew I had just stepped in it. He had been guessing, fishing, and I had spilled the beans.

“He didn’t have to, nor did you.”

“It’s not like that.”

“It’s not like anything. Take your time, breathe. And know that you do not need to fall into anyone’s timelines but yours, as long as you remember that Benjamin might have his ideas.”

Archer kissed me softly on the cheek, and then practically pushed me towards Benjamin.

As soon as I saw Benjamin, though, all thoughts of being rational slid out of my mind. I couldn’t think when he was around. And that was a problem. I was the rational one. Not prone to emotional decisions. But every time I was near him, I threw myself into those bad decisions. I didn’t want to be this person, but how long could I blame the hormones for this mess?

“Hey,” he said as he stepped near me.

I swallowed hard.

“Hi.”

“I’m glad you’re here. I was afraid you weren’t going to come.”

He was so quiet. I was so scared. What if I’d let myself fall like he was saying, and it wasn’t it? This was a unique situation, and I wasn’t sure what we were supposed to do. Why was I making so many mistakes?

“Are you going to talk to me?” Benjamin asked, and I shook my head.

“I should go.”

“Brenna,” he said, clearly exasperated.

“What?” I barked, my emotions going out of control.

The others were looking at us now, and I knew they probably wanted to say something, but I didn’t have the time nor the inclination to deal with it. All I did was screw things up. I was pregnant, having a fucking baby, and I couldn’t have a fucking conversation because I was too afraid of what he was going to say. I didn’t deserve any happiness that was going to come from him because I was the one that kept screwing things up. I was going to hurt him. I knew it.

I didn’t know how to fix it.

“Brenna, we need to talk.”

“I should go.”

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked, his tone changing on a dime. He wasn’t angry with me. No, he was worried. Worried because he loved me? Or he thought he had to?

Why couldn’t I think clearly?

“I should go. I’m just making things worse.”

I moved forward, and he followed me, muttering over his shoulder to Archer about something. I knew Archer would tell the others that I needed space or something, and I didn’t care.

I couldn’t think, not at a bar surrounded by people that I loved, and certainly not with a man that I didn’t want to love.

Was that it? Did I not want to love him?

That couldn’t be it. Was I falling in love with Benjamin Montgomery?

Of course I was. How could I not? What if he figured out that he didn’t love me?

I wiped away a tear, pissed off at myself, as I picked up my phone.

“What are you doing?” he asked, coming to my side.

“Archer drove me, so I’m getting a ride share so I can get home.”

“You’re not getting a fucking ride share. Not now, and certainly not in the rain. I’ll take you home.”

“I’m fine. You don’t need to drop everything and do everything for me. I can do this.”

“I’m sure you can. You’ve always been able to do everything on your own, but you don’t have to do this on your own.”

“What? Have a baby?”

“That’s not what I fucking meant. And you know you’re not doing it on your own. You and me.”

“I should just go and breathe, I need to breathe,” I said, after a minute.

“Everything okay out here?” Beckett asked, and I wanted to scream. This is the exact wrong time for this. I was still so angry with Beckett for the way that he had gotten in Benjamin’s face before. Beckett had no right to try to stand up for me the way he had. Every time that things got complicated between us, between Benjamin and me, Beckett was there, trying to be my best friend and Benjamin’s twin at the same time. It just made everything so weird and challenging.

“I can handle this, Beckett. You should go inside,” Benjamin growled, his gaze on mine.

“Brenna?” Beckett asked.

I cursed. “Go inside. Benjamin and I are having a discussion. You don’t need to be part of this.”

I knew I was being a bitch, but things were touchy just then, and I didn’t know what to do. This was my fault, and I needed to fix it.

Only there wasn’t going to be any fixing this if we didn’t talk.

Beckett looked between us before giving us a nod and walking back inside. Eliza stood in the doorway and cringed as she tugged Beckett in, a little forcefully if I thought about it.

Benjamin was so silent I was afraid everything was going to blow up in my face right then. “Come on. I’ll get you home.”

“I’m sorry for ruining the night,” I whispered.

He cursed again. “You didn’t. We’re finally having the conversations that we didn’t have before, and things just kept getting fucked up because we’re not talking to one another.”

“I know. I think it’s just hitting me right now that we’re having a baby and everything that we said last night, and I need a minute to think. I really shouldn’t have come out tonight.”

He sighed as we got in the truck. “I shouldn’t have come out either, but I didn’t want you to be alone.”

There it was. Both of us not wanting each other to be alone.

I was in love with him.

I wasn’t sure how to tell him. Because if I said it wrong, then would he think it was the truth? Or just me trying to make things easier?

“I hate that we even brought Beckett up last night.” Benjamin gripped the steering wheel, his jaw tight.

“Why would you think that?”

He looked over at me before pulling his gaze back to the road. The roads weren’t easy, and the rain was coming down hard. My pulse raced, and I was terrified we were going to say something we would regret.

“What is Beckett going to say?” I asked, knowing it was probably the wrong thing, but Benjamin had brought him up, and now we’d have to deal with it.

He growled. “Seriously? That’s what you’re going to ask? What the hell does Beckett have to do with this?”

“He has everything to do with things. You can’t just pretend that’s not a problem.”

“Well, maybe if he wasn’t at the center of everything, we could have a fucking conversation,” he snapped.

I looked at him then, but lights hit the windshield. He narrowed his eyes, trying to see what was going on. We were in our lane, but lights were coming at us fast. I screamed, and then the glass shattered, and metal screeched. I reached for Benjamin.

I caught only air.

Then there was nothing.