The Alpha by Jenika Snow
1
Evelyn
“I’m putting it on record that this is a stupid fucking idea.” The words tumbled out of me and Darragh laughed, but I could tell she was having just as hard a time with this as I was.
My best friend. My sister by choice, not blood. We’d always had each other’s back. We’d had to, because as orphans we’d had to face this ugly, nasty world alone right from the beginning.
Having been thrust into the foster system at a young age, I had to learn from early on that you either became stronger or you would forever be seen as weak. And I would never be that way. I’d never let my circumstances dictate who and what I was or how it shaped my future.
And so even though I was heartbroken that Darragh was leaving for Scotland and trying to find out her future and past, I wanted her to succeed as much as if it were me heading out for a new adventure.
So I stood there and said goodbye, but it wasn’t forever. It was to better her life, find her path… give her meaning. A part of me wished I had something to find, to search for, to connect with.
So although I didn’t have some incredible journey to go on—one I knew Darragh would succeed in, where she’d find that future she desperately wanted—I told myself I’d get what I always wanted too.
One day, somehow, I’d get my own happily ever after. I didn’t know when or why or how… but I was going to get it, even if it was the very last thing I ever did.
* * *
One day.Twenty-four hours. A little over fourteen hundred minutes.
That’s how long Darragh had been gone on the greatest adventure of her life. And what was I doing? Lying in bed and listening to the city life that should have just been rousing after a long night, but the truth was this fucking city never slept. There was no downtime, no silence. It was always chaotic.
But lying here in my semi-darkened room as I stared at the stained and chipped ceiling of my one-step-up-from-a-hovel apartment solidified the feeling that I was truly alone for the first time since Darragh had come into my life.
I felt this gnawing hole in the center of my chest and had a cold, hard slap of truth hit me upside the head when I realized I may have been using Darragh as some kind of crutch, an anchor, a life jacket… hell, the foundation of the house that was my screwed-up life.
I tried to block out the sounds of early morning city life right outside my apartment window, but it was no use. It was loud because the cheap windows were so paper-thin. But I couldn’t complain too badly. I did have a view—even if it was just a side street and a bunch of professional buildings. I knew the tenants on the other side of the building had a shitty view, one that stretched the entire width of the complex and blocked all those windows.
“Could be worse, so stop complaining. It has been worse,” I grumbled. I closed my eyes and rubbed them with the heels of my hands. I was bone-tired, but I couldn’t sleep. After coming home late from work, I’d managed a few hours, but it had been broken up, restless, and now I couldn’t even pray for some shut-eye.
I’d had bouts of insomnia for the last several weeks, as if there was something inside of me gearing up, ready to explode outward. I couldn't describe it, couldn’t even pinpoint what the issue was. Maybe it was just all the nerves and anxiety over Darragh leaving for her trip.
Or maybe my body was finally telling me I needed one hell of a change in my life.
I’d worked in the service industry since I was sixteen years old and had been saving every single nickel and dime I could since then—for the last seven years—to go to school and get a degree in history. But the classes here and there I’d been able to take made it abundantly clear my dream would take longer than I ever wanted.
But it would happen. I’d make sure of that.
I opened my eyes and felt a stab of jealousy as I thought of Darragh in Scotland; then I promptly hated myself for being a petty bitch and feeling anything but pure happiness for her. She deserved that more than anyone else. And I did too. And one day I’d get that adventure as well.
I’d closed my eyes again in hopes of finally falling asleep and staying that way for a good chunk of time, when my cell bounced and vibrated beside me. I snatched it up so fast my wrist banged against the corner of the laminate-pressed, cheap-as-hell bedside table hard enough I cursed like a sailor.
“Darragh?” I hadn’t even bothered seeing if it was her before calling out her name. But it wasn’t as if I had hordes of friends or family calling. It was literally just her I socialized with voluntarily.
I sat up and grinned when her face popped up on the screen as the video chat connected fully. I didn’t even care that it was pixelated as hell. I was just so happy to see her and hear about all the adventures she’d already had in, like, one day.
“How long are you supposed to feel like ass from the jet lag?”
I laughed at the first thing she said and felt that gnawing hole in my chest start to fill again, yet the older I got, the more I felt like it would never really fill. I’d never fully be complete. When I thought I’d have a family of my own one day, a faceless husband who loved me, little babies who looked like us, it gave me a semblance of completion, yet it also held a detachment. Maybe I'm just a hopeless mess.
It was like I was staring at this ball of dough that was my life, and I had no idea how to mold it into how it was supposed to be.
“You’re asking the wrong chick. I haven’t left the city, let alone been on a plane.” I grinned, laughing out loud as the screen kept freezing and delaying, Darragh’s face morphing into a strange expression before speeding up fast as the connection caught up.
“It was rhetorical.”
I rolled my eyes in good humor, and Darragh laughed.
“You’ve only been there twenty-four hours. I’m sure it’ll take a few days for your body to get acclimated.” I could see a little bit of her B-and-B room as she sat on the bed. I wanted to ask for a little video tour right now, anxious to live vicariously through her.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I crashed as soon as I got here and woke up twelve hours later to it being pitch-black in the room and a heinous cramp in my lower back from not moving position for hours upon hours.”
“Did you at least feel better?”
She snorted. “No. I felt like crap and am so groggy. Then I couldn't sleep until the sun started to rise, at which point I went back to sleep and woke up with only enough time to spend like an hour at the public records office before the old lady working the front desk kicked me out.”
She was moving around a lot, and I had to assume she was gearing up to do more exploring. With her being six hours ahead of me, she’d probably already done so much exciting stuff while I was here, lying in bed and staring at the yellow-tinged ceiling.
“So it wasn’t the most productive day, but I did find out a little bit, which is exciting and better than nothing.”
I felt genuine happiness and elation fill me. I sat up straighter in bed and grinned. “That’s fantastic! So what did you dig up?”
I could see she was as exhausted as I felt and, hell, probably looked too.
“Well, when I say I found a little bit, it was basically just the birth records of my grandparents and mother. They were residents here and had no family aside from each other.” She got this weird expression on her face, and I could practically see her rolling what she’d just said around in her head. “That’s weird, right? Like only the three of them. No cousins. No nieces or nephews or siblings or anything like that.”
I shrugged and wished I could have been some kind of help in making her feel better. I could see the deflation on her face, though. “I think that can be normal in circumstances,” I said, hoping showing her some kind of silver lining might make things seem less hopeless. “I mean, look at me. Aside from my cracked-out mother, I’ve got no one else in the world but you.” At least my words brought a small smile—albeit a sad-looking one—to her face.
“You’ll always have me.” I smiled after she spoke. “But needless to say, I didn’t find out much more than that. And with it being Sunday tomorrow, they won’t be open. And there are so many possible hits I could get if I have enough time to weed through all the documents and files.”
I shifted on the mattress, letting my back slide down so I was flush with the bed, my head pounding something fierce from lack of sleep and the full weeknight I’d had. I held the phone propped on my chest and scrunched up my nose.
“Good Lord, this angle makes me have three chins,” I mumbled and sat up again, my head promptly pounding once more and cursing at me. I held the phone away from me, but it didn’t help the chin party I currently had going on. Finally I said, “Fuck it,” and just let the phone sit on my chest. I focused on Darragh again and grinned. “Before you say it, because I can see it on your face, yes, I’m listening, and yes, I heard everything.”
She grinned broadly, and the phone image of her shook slightly as she adjusted herself on the bed.
“So what are you doing the rest of the day? It's only, what…?” My mind was mush, so I actually had to count the hours off on my fingers. “Five?”
“Yeah, dinnertime. I guess on Saturdays, businesses here close early, if they even open at all. Pretty sure bars are open until calling hour, which is like sunrise,” she joked.
I started laughing, which pissed my headache off, but again, fuck it. “Wish I was there. We could have hit up the pubs. Wait, there are pubs there, aren’t there?” I knew the town she was in was tiny and a good distance from any major part of Scotland.
“A few, which should be weird, because the town is so small, but they are more like family-owned restaurants where people go to get trashed regardless.”
“Any cute guys? Maybe you’ll fall in love there.” Even I heard how whimsical I sounded and promptly gagged, which had Darragh snorting in amusement.
“Hardly. The average age of the population here is like sixty. Although you’d probably think the B-and-B owner is cute. He looks around our age. Blond hair, blue eyes, and a Michael Phelps-type body.”
Well, that right there had me perking up. Living vicariously through her and all that. “You don’t say?” I felt my slow grin start to stretch across my face. But the truth was it was all for show. I was pretty sure there was something physically wrong with me, as in my arousal switch had never kicked on.
Sure, I’d noticed plenty of attractive people, but I’d never felt any inkling of desire, no need to ever go out, to let a man touch me, kiss me. And I’d never told Darragh that. It was this secret I harbored, not because I was embarrassed, but because I really did think there had to be something wrong with me. What twenty-three-year-old had never felt the slightest flare of need and lust? What woman my age had never even kissed a man?
So yeah, I was good at acting like I was interested and wanting more details, but it was all very lackluster for me.
“Maybe I should make a trip to Scotland and put on my charm with the bed-and-breakfast boy. He’ll fall for my witty sense of humor and stunning good looks,” I teased.
Darragh snorted again, but then it turned into a laugh. “Yeah, he’s nice and all, but…” She shifted slightly and looked over at something out of the camera's view.
“What?”
She focused back on me and shrugged. “I don’t know. He just comes off as a little bit weird.”
I felt my brows pull low. “What do you mean ‘weird’? Like how?”
“I don’t know. I’m being stupid. He’s really nice. He’s not Scottish, but I’m not sure where he’s from. I can’t place his accent.”
“I’d comment on him being a sexy foreigner, but if he’s making your weird-radar go off…”
“No, no. He’s harmless. I’m sure it’s just different cultures, a language barrier, and me being in another country for the first time that things just seem weird. I’m probably the one who seems strange to him.”
I felt the worry that had been clawing up my back start to dissipate. I could imagine the culture shock Darragh was facing right now.
“But I’m actually going to brave socialization and eat dinner at one of those pubs.”
I sighed in mock jealousy. “Eat something exotic. Like haggis. Is that considered exotic?”
I furrowed my brow as I thought about the Scottish cuisine. “I don’t know, but try it anyway and report back to me.” I laughed when Darragh wrinkled her nose.
“I don’t know if I’m brave enough to jump right into the whole Scottish meals thing right now. I was thinking—hoping—I could get some fries and a cheeseburger first.”
“Okay, well, try it all for me. I’m living vicariously through you.”
We stayed on the video chat for another five minutes, although I could have stayed there all day. When the call ended and I tossed my cell back on the bedside table, I burrowed under the covers, closed my eyes, and prayed for sleep.
Maybe in my dreams I’d go on an exciting adventure and figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with my life.
