Too Hexy For Her Hat by Susan Hayes
15
Luna’snext few seconds were nothing but barked orders and the ear-shattering wail of the siren.
“Everyone, you know what to do! Noncombatants, get to the basement of the Watering Hole. The pixies will alert the dryads and orca Shifters,” Orion yelled.
“Fighters, form up with your designated leader, and someone please shut off that siren before we all go deaf!” Connell bellowed.
After a flash and a bang, the wailing died away like a deflated bagpipe. “Got it!” a woman called out.
“Thank you, Aunty Tiff!” Fern called.
“You have family in town?” Luna asked.
“Long story. I’ll explain later,” Fern said.
“Bitchy witch-stealing fake familiar,” Shaz hissed.
“Later, and out of earshot of the furball,” Fern amended.
After that, things moved fast. Vehicles of every shape and size appeared, taking on as many passengers as possible before driving off.
Breeze grabbed her hand and pulled her toward a Jeep. “Connell will get us there. I can brief you on the way.” She gave Chad a wary look. “Though maybe you should be the one doing the briefing. He’s your family.”
Chad helped her into the vehicle and then hopped in beside her. He was soaked with water dripping off his chin and nose. The second they were seated, he snapped his fingers and a black canopy appeared to seal them snuggly inside.
“Nice! Thank you,” Connell called back.
“More apologizing? Or are you just showing off now?” Breeze asked.
“Mostly apologizing. I’m going to be doing a lot of it. As for my father, there isn’t much you don’t already know. He’s unhinged, dangerous, obsessed with this place and its power source, and he couldn’t win an award for Father of the Year if he was the last man on the planet.”
“So you’re switching teams because you have daddy issues?” Connell called back.
“No. I’m doing the right thing because it’s time I made my own decisions instead of letting a madman run my life. Also, he tried to kill the witch I love.”
“So did you,” Connell pointed out.
“If I had wanted to kill Breeze, I would have. The same as if she’d wanted to kill me in our next fight, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
“Wait. You two have fought each other twice?” Luna was seated between them and she had to keep turning from side to side to keep up with the conversation. It was like being a spectator at a ping pong match, and it was giving her whiplash.
“Fought is a strong word. Sparred? Tested each other’s mettle?” Chad said.
“Zapped my witch flat?” Connell snarled.
“Hey! I wasn’t flat. I was just uh… not exactly vertical. And I had no idea about dark magic that first time,” Breeze protested.
“You learned fast. Next time I was the one kissing concrete.”
“Yep. And you didn’t have a snake last time.”
“I didn’t want to risk her getting hurt. This is Hissy Fitz, by the way. Hissy, this is Breeze.”
“And this is Snuffy Wuffles the Turd,” Breeze introduced her familiar.
“Nice to finally meet you,” Hissy said and then moved so she was in Chad’s line of sight. “Should I change back?”
“You might as well stick with that form. We’re going to be fighting soon enough,” Chad said. “Since you won’t stay out of harm’s way.”
“And miss my opportunity to bite Frank? Not a chance,” Hissy declared.
“I like you.” Breeze grinned at the snake. “Him I’m not so sure about.”
“He gets that a lot. I think it’s the whole robe and hood look. It really doesn’t make a good first impression,” Hissy said.
“You can stop talking now,” Chad muttered. “And for the record, the robe is damned comfortable.”
“What robe?” Luna was equally confused and intrigued by the conversation.
“Flowing robe. Shadow snakes, cowl covering his face, the whole look. Last time we met he looked like a discount cos-player in search of a convention,” Connell said.
Hissy laughed so hard she fell off Chad’s shoulder and into his lap. “Ssstrue!”
“Balloon animal. I’m thinking a poodle. Something with a lot of twisted bits,” Chad warned his familiar.
“The snakes aren’t real. They’re illusions,” Luna couldn’t resist adding.
“What?” Breeze blinked.
Connell laughed so hard he nearly drove them off the road. “Fake snakes!”
“All smoke and mirrors. Well, mostly. I can use black magic. I just don’t like to.” He pointed to his darker eye. “The cost is too high.”
“That’s not natural?” Luna asked. She’d assumed it was.
“The more you embrace the darkness, the more it embraces you. My father is… I don’t think there’s much humanity left. Maybe none.”
Luna’s blood turned to ice in her veins. “He’s that far gone?”
“He is,” Chad confirmed. “Which is why my first plan was to keep you as far away from him as possible.”
“And we’re about to face off against him,” Breeze said. “You up for this, Luna?”
She did a gut check and then nodded. “I am. This is the only way we get our parents back, and I have questions only they can answer. So yeah, I’m ready.”
“Chad?” Breeze asked.
He raised their joined hands and kissed her fingers. “I made my decision days ago. I’m with Luna.”
His declaration was absolute and the most romantic thing she’d ever heard. “I love you.”
“Right back atcha, Tic.”
Breeze looked at the two of them and then smiled. “Okay. Then you two need to know the plan…”
The plan, which was more of a rough idea held together with hope and bubble gum, was insane. Luna loved it. Chad was less enthralled but determined to back her up no matter what, even against his own flesh and blood.
They stood on a stretch of road outside of town. It was the same spot where Breeze and Fern had faced off against the father-of-stupid-names the last time he’d tried to attack Wyrding Way.
“You’d think after the beating he took last time he wouldn’t be so eager to come back,” Fern said.
The three of them stood side by side in the middle of the road with their familiars at their sides and their men at their backs. Behind them was every combat-capable citizen of Wyrding Way, including a burly bunch of bikers that turned out to be orca Shifters led by Breeze’s uncle Fisk. They were so big they made Jim the gull Shifter look tiny by comparison.
“He’s obsessed. He won’t stop until he gets what he wants, and I’m honestly not sure he knows what that is anymore. He’s too far gone,” Chad said.
“He’s going to be very disappointed because we’re ending this insanity.” Fern glanced over at Luna, who stood between her two childhood friends. “Isn’t that right, Luna-Tuna-Fortuna?”
“Damn right, Fern-a-turn-and-burn”
Breeze caught hold of her other hand. “Ready, Luna-Moona and Fern-a-learna?”
“Ready, Breezey-Freezie-oh-so-Cheesie!” Luna said.
“Goddess on high. They all do it?” Orion groaned.
“What was that?” Chad asked.
“Female bonding at its weirdest,” Connell said.
Further commentary on female friendship rituals was interrupted by a cacophony of noise that defied description. Bellows like a buzz saw blended with an earth-shaking stomping sound, all punctuated by a raucous honking that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up.
“What the hell…” Fern muttered.
“He got them to sign on?” Chad muttered in shock.
“Oh shit. He couldn’t have,” Connell cursed.
“He couldn’t have what? Details!” Breeze called back.
“The Horny Honkers. I think that madman hired them.” Connell sounded worried.
Not good.
“They always refused his offers before. I can’t believe they changed their minds,” Chad said.
“More detail. Keep talking. What’s a Horny Honker? On a scale of one to ten, how fucked are we?” Breeze asked.
“They’re an elite mercenary group. Highly skilled, no moral compass at all, and about as stable as a two-legged stool in an earthquake.”
“And the noise?” Fern asked.
“Is their battle cry, they’re… shit. There they are.”
“That’s…” Fern trailed off.
“Well, that explains the name.” Breeze let go of Luna’s hand and fired up her magic. “The plan is the same. Light ’em up, ladies!”
Luna wasn’t sure exactly how the plan could be the same now that they were facing a squad of angry moose with… She stopped and squinted. She had to be seeing things. “Are those geese in their antlers?”
“Aye,” Connell confirmed.
“So they’re all Shifters?” Fern asked.
“The moose are shifters. The geese are just assholes.”
“I think we’re supposed to call them cobra chickens now,” Snuffy said. “At least the internet does.”
“Cobra what now?” Breeze spluttered. “That’s it, I’m cutting off your wi-fi.”
The three of them stood, magic swirling around them as they waited for the approaching… herd? Army? To get within range.
“So if it’s a moose and a goose, why isn’t it geese and meese?” Fern asked.
“Good question. If any of them are around afterward, maybe we can ask them,” Luna said.
Something squat and dark rose into the air and flew over the heads of the moose, triggering a series of honks and hisses from the geese. One of them even snapped at the shadows trailing after it.
“Incoming asshole,” Breeze announced.
The blob pulsated and swirled like a glob of goth Jell-O. “Foolish children. Do you really think you can stand against me?” Frank demanded with enough vibrato in his voice to make the ground vibrate.
“We kicked your butt once. We can do it again!” Fern shouted.
“You got lucky!” the blob screeched. “And this time I brought backup!”
“So did I,” Luna yelled.
Chad stepped out from behind them. He’d changed into black jeans, boots the same brand as hers, and a black shirt with splotches of red the same colour as her magic. Everything he wore was already soaked and clinging to his body thanks to the constant rain, and even Hissy was dripping from both snout and tail.
“Hello, Frank.”
“Shade! Did you think I didn’t know about your treachery? You are the greatest disappointment of my life, boy. There’s too much of your mother in you.”
“I don’t think so. In fact, I wish I had more of her. Maybe then I’d have said this to you before now. You are a sad, delusional warlock who sold what little soul he had for the trappings of glory. Fuck you, Frank. I’m done helping you boost your ego.”
“If you won’t join me, you’re against me!” This time Frank added so much vibrato to the last line the blob did an obscene shimmy and nearly flew apart.
“That’s usually how it works, Dad. But thanks for pointing out the obvious.” Chad summoned his magic and let it flow around him, orange and black swirling together like dark fire. “Last chance. Turn back now. Find a new hobby. Something less murder-y.”
“Never!” This time the ball of shadow did break apart, revealing a hunched figure draped in black robes and a hood at its center. It raised one arm, revealing twisted fingers of gangrenous green. “Unleash the meese! Attack!”
The moose bellowed and then charged as the geese took flight.
“I’ve got the geese. You get the rest!” Chad hurled bolts of magic at the oncoming swarm of honking doom.
Fern nudged Luna in the ribs. “Let’s see how well they do on ice.”
Luna cackled as Breeze began their chant and loosed a blast of magic at the road.
“Warlock coming to say wassup?
We call down ice to fuck you up.”
Ice crackled and Fern’s breath formed a cloud of vapour as she continued.
“Ice is nice, but we’re not done,
Next we bring you curling stone-s!”
Massive granite stones appeared and shot down the newly iced roadway toward their attackers.
Now it was Luna’s turn.
“You thought today we’d meet our dooms,
But now you’ll face our curling brooms!”
A flock of brooms darkened the sky. Some were massive things that swept the ice ahead of the curling stones, guiding them toward their targets. Others were the usual size. These shot through the air and started beating on the geese.
The Shifters hollered and launched themselves into the fray, some shifting, others staying in human form, and all of them wearing footwear that let them deal with the slippery ice.
All but one. A seal the size of a compact car tore past her, all flippers and teeth. The moment it hit the ice it turned into a missile, flying down the road to take out any moose that managed to avoid the curling stones and brooms.
“Kick their asses, baby!” Breeze called after the seal.
A broom sailed by and knocked an angry goose aside before it could reach them. “Thank you, Sneezy!” Breeze yelled to the broom.
“Connell’s a seal?” Luna asked as she helped the others keep up the assault. The ice kept melting in the rain and the stones needed to be retrieved and re-thrown. It was a lot of work.
“He’s a selkie,” Fern clarified. “Which is almost as sexy as a wolf Shifter.” She pointed to one side where two nearly identical wolves were hamstringing a moose while a massive seagull pecked at the animal’s face.
That had to be Orion and his brother Hunter, along with Hunter’s husband, Jim the gull Shifter.
Only one guest was missing from this party. “Where’s Frank?” she asked.
“Who?” Fern asked.
“Frank. Father of… fuck it. The asshole!”
“I lost him,” Breeze said, trying to clear the charred feathers out of the air so they could see better.
“Same.” Luna risked turning around to glance at Chad. “You see your sperm donor anywhere?”
Chad glanced up, yelled, and lunged at her. She had no time to do anything but brace for impact. She was hit with an icy blast that blotted out her vision. Then there was a cry of pain and the next thing she knew she was on her back on the concrete with several elephants on her chest.
No. Not elephants. Chad.
“Chad?” She pushed at him.
No response.
“It’s not a good time for this. Snuggles later. Ass-kicking now.” She pushed on his shoulder. When he didn’t budge she panicked. “Chad!”
She shoved and this time he flew off her like he didn’t weigh more than Beaker. It took longer than it should have for her still-scattered senses to realize a massive bear had helped her move Chad off her.
“Thanks!”
The bear grunted and barreled off, kicking up a cloud of feathers in his wake. Then she looked down at Chad.
The bear had rolled him onto his stomach revealing what Chad had been doing. Shielding her. He’d taken the brunt of some kind of terrible spell. His clothes were torn to rags and something pitch black and reeking of sewage and despair was spreading across his back like some kind of vile infection.
“No, no, no! You better not be dead, Chad Parker or Storm, or whatever your name is. You promised me a happily ever after, and by the Goddess, I’m getting one!”
“Your bedside manner sucks.” Chad’s words were raspy and weak, but if he was talking, he wasn’t dead. Not dead was good.
“I’m panicking. The love of my life just tried to sacrifice himself for me and I’m not dealing with it well.”
He cracked open one bloodshot eye. “The love of your life is still here… for now. Kick my sperm donor’s ass and then get your sexy butt back here to fix me.”
His eyes closed before the last word was out of his mouth.
“You are annoyingly bossy for someone claiming to be near death. Stay alive. I have plans for you.” She kissed his cheek and then scrambled to her feet, fury replacing her fear.
“You son of a bitch!” she screamed and whipped up more magic than she’d ever dared before. “You tried to kill me again! And you might have killed Chad. This is over. Do you hear me? I am done with your shit, Frellshingle!”
While she’d been stuck beneath Chad, the others had sent the moose into a frantic retreat. The few remaining geese were doing battle with the brooms, and Frank was floating above a geyser of gold and orange magic, screeching like a banshee on a bad acid trip.
“Mine! It’s mine!” He was doing a strange little jig in mid-air, flashing bits of shriveled feet as green and twisted as his hands.
He had access to Fate’s power source. Hell’s bells and wishing wells. That wasn’t good at all.
“The time has come to end this impasse,
To quote the grey dude, you shall not pass!
Goddess on high, and Fate too, you mean cow,
Help me end this here and right now!”
A lifetime of training went out the window as she unleashed the full force of her magic with no idea what would happen next. Her spell had no focus, no visualized outcome. She just needed this fight over with so she could heal Chad… if she could still do that. It had been years since she’d even tried.
The rain stopped, the clouds vanished, and bolts of silver-blue lightning streaked down from the suddenly clear sky. Every bolt hit the same target—Frank.
He screeched and flailed, his robes blazing with fuchsia-tinted fire.
The air exploded with a thunderclap that drove her eardrums into her skull so deep she was sure they touched in the middle, and then a woman’s voice boomed out.
“That’s what you get for putting your grubby mitts on my power source, you miserable excuse for a warlock!”
“Holy fucking ducks driving pink pickup trucks, is that who I think it is?” Fern hissed.
An ebony-skinned Amazon with rainbow-coloured hair and silver eyes glared up at Frank. She had a lariat of what looked like braided rainbows in her hands and was whipping it around her head like she was getting ready for the world’s first flying calf roping contest.
“About time you showed up!” Luna yelled at the living incarnation of Fate.
Fate managed to flip her the bird before making a perfect throw that landed around the warlock’s neck.
“Ready when you are!” Fate hollered.
There was a flash of purple smoke, an explosion of glitter, and a sudden blast of Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Going to Take it.” When the air cleared, Frank Frellshingle, Father of Shadows, was gone.
The fountain of power, Fate’s power, flowed for a few more beautiful seconds before fading away.
Breeze and Fern ran forward, already shouting questions at Fate. Luna ignored them and rushed back to Chad. He looked worse now. The infection had spread while she’d been gone.
“This is gonna suck donkey balls,” she muttered and dropped to the ground beside him. Healing was a powerful gift, but it came with a downside. She would experience the pain of the injury as if it were her own. The last time she’d done it, she’d lapsed into unconsciousness and woke up in a puddle of her own drool. Good times.
Beaker landed in front of her. “Remember what your mom always said. Healing comes from the heart. You can do this.”
She cradled Chad’s head in her lap and gave her familiar a grim smile. “I can. Tell them to have ice cream and extra fudge ready for when I wake up. I’m going to need it.”
Then she closed her eyes, asked the Goddess for help, and tapped into an ability she hadn’t used in thirteen years.
