Too Hexy For Her Hat by Susan Hayes

2

At first,Chad hadn’t believed it when his father announced he’d tracked down the last of the three witches from the Wyrding Way coven. It shouldn’t be possible. They hadn’t been able to locate the other two until their twenty-sixth birthdays. That’s when the magic affecting their memories had started to weaken and they’d somehow been notified it was time to return home.

Luna’s birthday was still a ways off. How had his father managed it? The man was a powerful warlock, sure, but he wasn’t exactly good with subtle magic. In fact, there wasn’t a subtle bone in Frank Frellshingle’s body. He had more razzle-dazzle than a Las Vegas headliner and the ego to match.

Subtle was more Chad’s thing, which was why he was the one sent to implement the next stage of the plan—neutralizing witch number three. The Father of Shadows wanted control of one of Fate’s power sources, and Chad was expected to help make that happen.

Chad’s minions had been watching the witch for more than a week. They’d reported on her routine and habits, all of which were surprisingly ordinary. In fact, if it weren’t for the presence of her familiar, he would have suspected they were following the wrong woman.

For one thing, she was the wrong shape to be a witch. The Goddess had gifted witches and warlocks with beauty, health, longevity, and a metabolism that let them eat anything they wanted and never gain unwanted weight.

Luna was stunningly, beautifully curvy. At least, that’s what he’d seen in the photos the featherheads he used as hired muscle had sent to him. Not that he’d been ogling the photos. That would be creepy and wrong. He’d been reviewing them strictly for research purposes.

Research. Yeah.

Research was necessary. He thought he’d prepared enough for his last mission. He hadn’t. No one had expected the Goddess herself to send a TGIF agent, and he had underestimated how fast that first witch would reclaim her powers.

It was a mistake he wouldn’t make again. He couldn’t. Not if he wanted any kind of life after his father achieved his goals. Once Frank could manipulate the fate of anyone on the planet, the unhinged but highly dangerous warlock was going to cause havoc. The only way to stay clear of the mess would be to stay on Frank’s good side—assuming he still had one by then. Chad knew his father’s good side was more of a narrow, crumbling ledge at this point, and it was getting thinner by the day.

To have any shot of escaping his father’s shadow, Chad had to keep Luna away from Wyrding Way until the fated final battle was over. Tonight, he would put his plan in motion. It was time to make contact.

The gull Shifters had been watching her for long enough she had to have noticed them, so he’d hired another pair of Shifters for this part of the plan. Wolverines. They were built like bulldozers on two legs. Hairy, thick necked types with permanent scowls and shoulders broad enough they had to move through doors sideways.

They were waiting in the alley she always cut through on the way to her apartment… and so was he.

He cloaked himself in magically enhanced shadow and waited. This alley was thick with magical wards already, all designed to discourage humans from entering the area. It helped protect the supernatural denizens that lived in a carefully disguised magical space at the far end of the alley.

“For the record, this is a stupidly complicated plan.”

“Shut it, Hissy. Now is not the time.”

His familiar sighed loudly, which was an impressive feat for something as small as she was. The garter snake popped her head out of his shirt pocket and flicked her tongue at him. “You could have just walked up and asked for a reading. Flirted. Said something charming. But no. You had to turn this into a cheesy drama moment. You are so like your father.”

“Not now, Hissy-Fitz.”

She hissed in a mocking version of his hushing sound and ducked back into his pocket.

Good thing, too, because not ten seconds later Luna appeared at the entrance to the alley with her familiar riding on her shoulder.

It was the first time he’d seen her in person. Shades and shadows, she looked even better than her photos. Her hair was dark purple streaked with black and pulled into a pair of high pigtails tied with black and purple ribbons. High-top sneakers, a flowing skirt of some dark fabric, and… holy Goddess dipped in hot sauce. Was she wearing a corset?

She was, and the things it did to her curves had to be illegal in every country he could name, including Atlantis… and their hedonistic ways were legendary.

He’d taken half a step forward before he remembered he had to stay hidden. The plan was for the wolverines to scare her, and then he’d come to her rescue. From what they’d learned from the other two witches, the majority of her powers would be locked down until her birthday. That meant his arrival and magical dispatch of her harassers should make an impression. After that, his plan was… flexible.

Hissy had used a different description of his post-contact plan. “Thinner than dental floss on a diet.” His familiar was a sarcastic pain in the wand sometimes.

One of the wolverines stepped into the middle of the alley, blocking Luna’s path. “Check out this magical morsel. Yummy.”

The second wolverine lumbered into view, trapping her between them. “Do you think she tastes as good as she looks?”

So far, so good. They were sticking to the script. Any second now Luna should start to panic, and then he could make his move.

Any. Second.

“You want a taste of me?” Luna’s voice was soft without a hint of fear.

Thatwas unexpected.

So was what happened next.

The alley erupted in a flash of red light accompanied by a sound like the world’s largest chunk of duct tape being ripped away by a giant hand.

His hired thugs squealed in voices so high they hit ultrasonic range. He couldn’t see anything but the spots dancing in front of his eyes like pixies at an all-night rave.

Once his vision cleared, he peered out from his place in the shadows and silently wished he was still blind.

The wolverines were both on the ground, wailing incoherently and alarmingly naked. Not just normal naked, either. They were as shiny as freshly waxed bowling balls, only with more lumpy bits. A lot more. Chad shut his eyes, swallowed hard, and then deliberately raised his head so that the next time he cracked his lids open, he was looking at Luna. Much better.

Red and black sparks shimmered around her hands and forearms, lighting up the alley and making the twilight sky seem darker by comparison.

“If she doesn’t dial down the light show, you’re going to have trouble explaining where you came from, oh master of overly complicated plans,” Hissy whispered very softly.

The same thought had occurred to Chad, too. Every time he went up against one of the Wyrding Way witches, his plans unravelled faster than a mummy in a tornado. Why did this keep happening?

Keeping his eyes on the lovely witch with the oh so very impressive powers she wasn’t supposed to have, he edged his way further down the alley, keeping the shadows wrapped tightly around him. Fortunately night was falling fast, creating enough shadows he didn’t have to go far before his plan would work again.

Well, part of his plan. Some things were going to have to change because she clearly did not need rescuing from the two bald, whimpering wolverines. He was going to have to pay them extra for that. Getting forcibly defoliated wasn’t part of their contract.

He cleared his throat and stepped out of the shadows. “Miss, are you alright? What happened?”

“Assholes happened,” the raven spoke first.

“And now they’re bald, apologetic assholes. Aren’t you?” Luna nudged one of them with her shoe.

The wolverine grunted. “Very. So sorry, ma’am.”

That made Luna blink. “Uh. Sure.”

“Both of you get out of here and stop picking on helpless women. Er... or any women, helpless or not.” That was part of the original script, and both Shifters got to their feet and started limping away, arms and legs spread out to stop any unnecessary skin-to-skin contact.

He would have to give them a big bonus.

Then, he turned his attention to the hot as hell and scarily overpowered witch still watching him with red sparks shimmering around her fingers. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Just annoyed. Where do guys get off thinking they can talk to women that way?”

“I have no idea.” It was a complete lie. He’d written the script himself. “I’m Chad, by the way. And I would like to walk you to your destination if you’re okay with that.”

She raised a purple brow. “After what I just did, do you really think I need a chaperone?”

Chad ran a hand through his hair. “Well, no. But my mother tried to teach me to be a well-mannered warlock.” At least that’s how he remembered her. She’d been gone so long he didn’t know which of his memories were real and which were wishful thinking.

Luna gave him a long, lingering look. “I’m Luna. If you really want to walk me home, you can. It’s not far.”

“And if you mess with my witch, I will peck out your eyes and use them as olives in my next martini,” the raven muttered, fluffing his feathers and scowling at him.

Hissy poked her head out of his pocket. “Threaten my warlock again and I’ll turn you into a feather duster.”

Luna and Chad looked at each other in mutual confusion and amusement.

“You don’t know how to make a martini, Beaker,” Luna said.

“And you don’t have hands, so you can’t make anything, Hissy. Play nice.”

His snake flicked out her tongue and vanished back into his pocket.

“She’s protective,” he explained to Luna.

“So is Beaker.” Her expression softened into a mischievous smile, her crystalline green eyes dancing with sudden merriment. “Familiars are such a pain.”

He opened his mouth to say something he hoped sounded smooth and charming when both of them were suddenly caught in a torrential downpour.

“Rain?” Luna threw her hands up over her head.

“Asshole alert!” Beaker screeched and took to the air. “Up here. Up here!”

No time for anything fancy, Chad lashed out with his magic and caught their aquatic sniper in a magical bubble before he could escape.

At least, he thought it was male. His gold and orange magic still swirled around the little winged fucker, making it hard to see much. All he knew for certain was their attacker was bouncing around inside the bubble like an agitated hornet on crack.

Chad brought the shimmering bubble down to ground level and then changed it into a barred cage so they could get a better look. It was a chubby toddler with gleaming white wings and what looked like a water pistol that was almost as big as it was. What the flying fuckery was it?

“What is it?” Luna asked, mirroring his thoughts.

“I ain’t an it, lady. I’m a guy. You need me to whip down my diaper and show you the goods?”

Chad’s brain cells sizzled a little as he tried to match the pint-sized body to the gruff, snarky voice emanating from its cute little lungs.

“Diaper can stay where it is, thank you. And Goddess above, what is with the men I’m meeting tonight?”

“Hey now, we haven’t all been assholes,” Chad pointed out. “Though I will admit I appear to be the exception here.” And if he was being honest, he was actually here to set her up and change her destiny, which probably made him the biggest asshole of all.

But if she went up against his father, she’d die. Frank’s pride had taken an even bigger beating than his body after his last confrontation with the two witches already guarding Wyrding Way. Plans were now in place that not even the combined power of all three witches could survive. The need for revenge had twisted the last pieces of Frank’s soul into something inhuman… and very dangerous.

If Luna took her place in Wyrding Way, she’d share the same fate as her friends.

He didn’t want that. Instead, he could protect her. Once his father cut him loose, he could take her away. Yeah. He liked that idea.

Not an asshole. A rescuer in disguise.

He circled back from that train of thought to discover Luna and the winged menace were deep in conversation.

“Why am I wet? What did you do to me?” she demanded, her arms folded across her chest in a way that combined with her corset did gravity-defying things to her chest.

Focus. Must focus on the problem, not the boobs.

“I did my job.”

“And what in the name of the Goddess’s mom jeans would that be, exactly?”

The whatever-the-hell uttered an adorably cute baby giggle that morphed into a smoker’s cough. “I told ya. I did my job.” He turned and flapped his wings at Luna. “Take a hint, lady. Wings. Diapers. Shoots people for a living. It’s not exactly a disguise I’m wearin’.”

He turned to face her again and then grunted. “I’ll give you a hint. Rhymes with stupid.”

It dawned on them both at the same moment, but Luna spoke first. “Oh no. Hells no. This is not happening.”

“And the lightbulb goes on! Score one for the witch.” Cupid, because that’s who he had to be, turned to Chad and smirked. “Good thing she’s pretty, huh?”

“Don’t be rude to the lady. And I thought you shot arrows. That’s not a bow.” Chad nodded to the bright pink water gun Cupid carried.

“I upgraded. Better coverage. No evidence.” Pudgy little fingers patted the weapon. “I love my Love Blaster 6900, patent pending.”

“So, you shot us? I don’t feel any different.” Luna looked over at Chad. “Do you?”

He did a quick internal inventory. Everything felt the same. “Nope. Still me.”

“You guys got the Forever Platinum Package. All the bells and whistles. It takes a bit to kick in. You’ll know it when you feel it.”

“So… who are we supposed to fall for?” Luna asked. Even as she said it, she looked at Chad, her eyes widening. “Oh.”

“And the lights go on again!” Cupid called out. “You. Him. Platinum Package. Forever. Have a wonderful ever-after.” He pursed his lips, made a long, drawn out kissy noise, and vanished.

“I had no idea gods were that rude.”

“I think he’s just a demigod, but I agree on the rudeness.” Chad dismissed the now-useless cage with a wave of his hand and then turned to look at Luna. The witch Cupid had just announced was his ever-after… and the woman he was supposed to keep away from Wyrding Way. If he failed again, more than just her life would come to a messy end. Frank Frellshingle, Father of Shadows, lover of melodrama and world’s worst father, would likely kill his only son, too.