How Much I Love by Marie Force
Chapter 5
CARMEN
After Dee and Wyatt leave, we end up back outside on the patio discussing the possibility of them as a couple. “Tell us everything about him,” I say to my husband. “Leave nothing out.”
“He’s a good dude,” Jason says.
If I didn’t know him so well, he might’ve gotten away with that, but I can tell just by looking at him that something is troubling him.
“You don’t like them together?”
“I never said that.”
His sharp reply takes me by surprise. He never talks to me like that, which only furthers my suspicion that he’s not sold on them dating.
“Do you think something happened between them at the wedding?” Maria asks.
“They danced a lot that night,” I recall. “The photographer got a bunch of pictures of them together.”
“I mean afterward. Dee never did say what she did that night. The rest of us went out, but she said she had other plans. Do you think those plans were with him?”
“Holy crap! That’s why he’s here! Because of her.”
“He’s here for an interview at Miami-Dade,” Jason reminds me.
“Did he express any interest in moving here before the wedding?”
“No, but—”
“It is because of her!”
“This is awesome!” Maria claps her hands in glee. “He’s just what she needs after the nightmare with Marcus. A super nice guy, a talented doctor, hotter than the sun…”
“Hello, honey,” Austin says dryly. “I’m in the room.”
Maria dissolves into giggles. “Sorry, but he is smoking hot.”
“He is,” I agree. “He’s got that whole McDreamy thing going on with the hair and the eyes.”
“We’re going to head out,” Jason says, standing.
I give him a perplexed look but keep my curiosity—and concern—to myself while we say good night and thank you to Maria and Austin. That lasts until we’re in the car when I turn toward him. “What was that about?”
“What was what about?”
“You abruptly wanting to leave? You aren’t mad about me agreeing with Maria that Wyatt’s hot, are you?”
“Of course not. It was just time to go.”
“So you’re just not going to tell me why you’re unhappy at the thought of Wyatt and Dee together—and don’t try to tell me you’re not unhappy about it. I know you too well.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
“There are things… about him… Things she should know.”
“And you don’t think he’ll tell her those things?”
“He won’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s something he never talks about with anyone in his personal life.”
“What is it?”
He shakes his head. “Please don’t ask me. It’s not my story to tell.”
“You know what she means to us, Jason, and what she went through with Marcus. If you know something that she should know, you have to tell me.”
“No, I don’t. But I will talk to Wyatt. The first chance I get. That, I can promise you.”
My stomach starts to hurt at the thought of our friend hurting my sweet cousin, who’s already had enough hurt. “Is she…” I swallow hard as the words get stuck in my throat. “Is she unsafe with him?”
“Not physically, no. I never would’ve let Dee leave with him if that was a concern, Carmen. Tell me you know that.”
“I do, but you’re being so mysterious. Surely whatever it is, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.”
“You’d tell her this. You’d feel obligated to tell her.”
“You’re scaring me, Jason. You know how much I love her and what Marcus put her through. I can’t let a friend of ours hurt her.”
“I know, and all I can tell you is I’ll do what I can to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’d tell you in a second if I could. But I can’t. Wyatt has to tell her, and then she can tell you if she chooses to.”
“And you’ll make sure he tells her soon?”
“I will.” He takes hold of my hand but keeps his eyes on the road. He’s learned to be extra careful driving in South Florida. “It’s possible that whatever’s going on with them is only a passing flirtation. If that’s the case, he won’t tell her because it won’t matter.”
My brain is on fire as I try to read between the lines of what he’s not saying. “How do you know about it?”
“He told me when we were first in med school. He told only me and emphasized how important it is to him that no one else knows about it.”
“Why did he tell you?”
“That’s something I can’t get into unless he decides to talk to Dee about it. I’m sorry to be secretive, Carmen. I’d never keep anything from you unless I had to. You know that, right?”
“I think so.”
“It’s true. I’m not intentionally trying to be evasive. I’ll talk to Wyatt the first chance I get. Try not to worry. I don’t want to see Dee hurt any more than you do, especially by my friend.”
“He seems like such a nice guy.”
“He is.”
“So, we’re not talking about some sort of massive personality defect, then?”
“No.” His jaw is tight, as is his grip on the steering wheel. This situation is stressing him out, and I hate that for all of us.
When we get home, he goes in to shower, and I reach for my phone to text Maria. Something’s up with Wyatt. Jason won’t tell me, says it’s Wyatt’s thing to share or not share with Dee, but whatever it is, it’s upsetting Jason. He said he’s going to talk to Wyatt about it as soon as he can.
She writes back a few minutes later. Oh jeez. WTH?
Whatever it is, he’s stressed. He said it’s not something Wyatt would tell her on his own.
Why all the secrecy?
No idea, but I don’t like this, especially with everything with Marcus.
Agreed. Let’s keep an eye on this and intervene if need be.
I don’t want to have to do that.
I don’t, either. The last time was bad enough.
When Jason gets in bed a few minutes later, I’m already there, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about my sweet cousin and wishing with all my heart that she could find her forever love. It’s all she’s ever really wanted—to fall in love and have a family. While Maria and I chased careers, Dee dreamed about being a mom. At one time, she told us how she and Marcus were going to have six kids. That dream, and all the others she had wrapped up in him, ended when he married someone else. Even when they were apart, we always knew she had her heart set on him.
“Are you mad?” Jason asks.
“No.”
“Disappointed?”
“No.”
He turns on his side to face me. “What’re you thinking?”
“I’m thinking about Dee, who thought she was going to marry Marcus and have six kids with him before he suddenly married someone else and broke her heart.”
“I hate how that happened to her.”
I look over at him. “You can’t let Wyatt hurt her. Please tell me you’ll throw yourself in front of that.”
“I promise I will. I won’t let him hurt her.”
I tell myself I need to be satisfied with his assurances, but my stomach hurts at the possibility of more heartache for Dee.
DEE
I lead the way up the stairs to my apartment over the garage. Thankfully, my aunt and uncle don’t live here, or I never would. Maria felt the same way when she lived in the apartment before me. Our family is up in our business enough without living right next door to “parents.” In our family, they’re all parents, whether they gave birth to us or not.
“What a cute place,” Wyatt says when we’re inside the big room that makes up my kitchen, living room and dining area.
“It’s not much, but it’s home. For now, anyway.” The best part is that the rent and my other expenses are manageable with what I make working five nights a week at the restaurant. I didn’t think I’d still be waitressing at my age, but nothing has gone according to my plan.
I can’t think about that or allow bitterness to invade this evening with a guy I like and who seems to like me just as much.
Wyatt follows me into the kitchen.
“You want a drink?”
He shakes his head and takes another step toward me until he’s right in front of me. “This is what I want,” he says, giving me a soft, sweet, undemanding kiss. “That’s what I would’ve done if we’d been alone when I saw you again.” His hands are on my hips as mine end up on his chest. “I would’ve said, hi there. I’ve missed you since the night we met.”
“It’s kind of odd to miss someone you hardly know.”
“I know you.” Raising a hand to move my hair out of his way, he kisses the spot on my neck that makes me sigh. “See? I know what happens when I kiss you right there. I know that if I do this,” he says, cupping my breasts and running his thumbs over my nipples, “that your knees will buckle.”
Sure enough, my knees give in, making him smile.
“I know you, Dee. I know you’re gorgeous and fun and funny and so devoted to your family that you gave up your life in New York to be here for your mom while she’s ill. I know how much you love your sister and your cousin, how close the three of you are and how much you love your Nona and Carmen’s grandmother. Abuela, right?”
“Yes.” I’m breathless from the kisses he leaves on my neck and the sweep of his thumbs over my nipples. I’m impressed that he remembers me telling him how vital Nona and Abuela have been to all of us cousins, how Carmen’s Abuela isn’t technically my grandmother, but don’t say that to her—or me.
“I know you have two brothers, Nico and Milo, and that your extended family gets together every Sunday for brunch at the restaurant. I know your cousins are like extra siblings to you. And after tonight, I know your tender heart has been badly hurt by the man you loved, which is why you shouldn’t be allowing me to kiss you and touch you.”
That statement hits me like a blast of ice water to the face. I pull back so I can see him and the regret in his expression. “I don’t understand.”
“There are things… about me… Things you don’t know, and you should, before we do this again…” He emphasizes his point by pressing his erection against my core, setting off fireworks throughout my oversensitized body.
All at once, I don’t want to know why this is a bad idea or why he isn’t good for me or anything that’ll ruin this dream state I’ve slipped into after only a few minutes in his arms. Just like the first time we were together this way, his touch does something to me that’s never happened before, and all I want is more of that incredible feeling.
“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him. “Whatever it is, unless you’re telling me you’re married or have an STD or something that could harm me, I don’t need to know.”
He brightens when I tell him that. “There is one thing you absolutely must know, and after I tell you that one thing, I promise I’ll shut up so we can enjoy this.”
“What’s that?” I tip my head to give him better access to my neck. I had no idea how much I loved having my neck kissed until Wyatt did it after the wedding.
“This, you and me… It can’t ever be anything more. Even if I get the job here, I can’t commit to anything other than casual.”
I want to ask him why that is, but I presume it’s something I don’t want to know. So I don’t ask.
“I need you to tell me you understand, Dee. We can’t have feelings for each other.”
It’s too late to warn me about feelings. I realized tonight, at Austin and Maria’s, when my heart rate nearly went through the roof at the mere sight of him, that I already have feelings for him. But he doesn’t need to know that. “I understand.”
“You’re sure? I can leave now and grab an Uber back to Jay’s place. No hard feelings. Well,” he says, smiling as he rubs his cock against me, “a few hard feelings.”
I laugh, which breaks the tension that’s been building over the last few minutes. “I don’t want you to go, and I understand this can’t be anything more than casual fun.”
“And you know that no matter what happens between us, that’s not going to change, right?”
The sadness and resignation I see in his eyes make me hurt for him. What could cause such a kind, handsome, sexy, successful man to draw such a firm line in the sand? Does he mean he won’t get involved with anyone or me specifically? I tell myself that doesn’t matter, either, but it does.
“I get it, but I have a question.”
“Okay…”
“Do you mean it can never be more with me or with anyone?”
“Anyone. It’s certainly not about you. If things were different, you’d be what I’d want for myself.”
“What things would need to be different?”
“Stuff I don’t talk about. It’s just one of those ‘it is what it is’ kind of things, you know?”
I don’t know, but what does it matter? I’m in no place to start something new with anyone. My mom is sick. Most of what I own is still in New York. I’m working at the family restaurant like I did when I was a teenager, and my ex may or may not have tried to kill himself because I refused to talk to him. The last thing I need is romantic entanglements or any more drama than I’ve already got.
He pulls back to look down at me. “I’d understand if any of this is a deal-breaker, Dee. You’re such a great person. I don’t want to lead you on.”
“You’ve been very honest, and I appreciate that more than you know.” Especially after what Marcus did.
“Do you want me to go?”
I shake my head. What I want, more than anything, is more of the way he made me feel the night of the wedding, as if I’m special and sexy and perfect. After a year of feeling like shit, that was a priceless gift.
“I want you to stay.” I lead him into my bedroom and turn to face him so I can unbutton his shirt to reveal the amazing tattoo that spans his entire chest that I admired the first time we were together. It’s a sphinx with the body of a lion and the wings of an eagle. The artwork is detailed and colorful and makes me wish I had all the time in the world to study it. Like the last time I saw it, I want to ask why he chose that particular image, what it means and how badly it hurt to have it done.
But like the last time, he kisses me, and I forget everything else.
Wyatt lifts my top, and I break the kiss long enough to let him take it over my head. His eyes go hot when he sees my breasts testing the confines of the sexy bra I wore in case we ended up just like this. “Damn,” he whispers. “You’re so fucking hot. I’ve thought about you so much after our night together.”
See why I like him so much? Wyatt isn’t going to be my future, but I’m thrilled he’s my right now, and I plan to enjoy every second of this encore performance.
He continues to undress me, and since he seems to enjoy it, I let him have his fun. With every new part of me he uncovers, he’s more appreciative. I remember that from our first time together, the way his attention did wonders for my wounded pride. When your boyfriend up and marries a blonde bombshell, the wounds run deep. Wyatt’s commentary and obvious pleasure in how I look made me feel better about myself than I had since disaster struck.
Wyatt guides me to the bed and arranges me the way he wants me before he kneels before me and dives right in, giving me lips and tongue and fingers in one coordinated effort that has me wailing in about two seconds flat. I’ve never even heard some of the sounds that come out of me before he had his wicked way with me.
I heard him when he said this couldn’t be anything more than what it already is, but as he gives me the fastest orgasm of my life, I’m full of regret for what might’ve been. He’s fun, funny, crazy intelligent, sexy as hell, and he’s shown me desire unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, but for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to be tied down. Why should he, when he looks like he does and is a freaking heart surgeon, for crying out loud?
He can have all the women. What would he want with only one?
“Hey.” His lips are on my inner thigh as his fingers continue to slide in and out of me. “Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere. I’m here.”
“You checked out on me.”
And he sees me. Doesn’t that just figure? I finally find the unicorn, and he doesn’t want to be pinned down.
He kisses his way up the front of me, teasing my nipples with his tongue as he kisses a path to my lips. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
I decide to be honest with him. What have I got to lose? “I’m trying to stay unattached, but then you swoop in and do… that…” I gesture down below with my hand. “And it’s hard to remember I’m not allowed to keep you.”
He drops his head to my chest. “I’m sorry, Dee.”
“Dear God, don’t be sorry for giving me the best orgasm I’ve ever had. It’s just that a girl could become addicted to that kind of action.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Yes, I heard you. Which led me to wonder why you’d want only one woman when you can have all the women.”
Looking up at me, he seems stricken. “That’s not it at all.”
I shrug. “It’s none of my business.”
“I swear that’s not it, Dee. If I were in a place to be with someone, I’d want that someone to be you. You’re all I’ve thought about for months.”
I need to stop this before he ruins me. With my hand on his chest, I give a gentle push. “Up.”
He withdraws from me and sits on the bed.
I reach for the throw blanket from the foot of the bed and wrap it around myself. “I don’t think I can do this. Wait, that’s not true. I don’t think I should do this.”
Wyatt looks down at the floor, making it impossible for me to know what he’s thinking or feeling.
“I’m not a fling kind of girl,” I add softly. “Despite how I behaved after the wedding, that’s just not me. I don’t have casual sex, or I never did before I did it with you, and even that didn’t feel casual. It felt important, and I’ve thought about you a lot since then, too.” I swallow the huge lump that’s taken up residence in my throat. “And when you tell me you’ve been thinking of me and… I can’t.”
“I understand.”
I’m glad one of us does. “I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t be.” He leans in to kiss me. “I enjoyed every second I spent with you.”
“Same.”
Realizing I might not see him again makes me feel desperate for something more. “I’ll still show you Miami if you’d like to. I don’t work again until Tuesday.” I can do that much, or so I tell myself.
“I’d love to see Miami with you.” He buttons the shirt he never took off and kisses me again. “I’m going to head back to Jay’s.”
“I’ll pick you up there in the morning? Around ten?”
“Sounds good.”
“Sleep well.”
“You, too.”
I watch him go, wishing for things that’ll never be, and wait until the door closes before I go to lock up. My legs feel wobbly after the rather exceptional orgasm he gave me as a parting gift.
