Between Never and Forever by Brit Benson

29

“What the fuck?”

Red’s irritated voice stirs me awake in the front seat, and I sit up to see the gate of my rental in front of us. We planned it so I would be getting back late to try and avoid too much attention, and from the looks of it, the plan worked. Except for...

“Oh my god, is that Levi?”

I try to open the car door, but Red hits the lock, and I turn and growl at him. He punches the button for the gate and pulls into the courtyard.

“Stay here,” he commands, like Levi is some sort of crazy stalker.

I roll my eyes and try to open my car door again, but he hit the fucking child locks. Like I’m a child.

Well, if he wants to treat me like a child, I’ll act like one. Gracelessly, I crawl over the center console and climb out the driver side door.

“Just let me fucking talk to her,” Levi says, and he sounds drunk.

I hurry around the car and back toward the gate.

“Go home, or I will call the cops,” Red says as I step up behind them.

“No one is calling the cops,” I say, and Levi’s eyes land on mine. “What are you doing here, Cooper? Are you wasted?”

Levi acts like he’s reaching into his pocket, and in a flash, Red grabs Levi’s hand and twists it behind his back. Levi hisses in pain and I gasp.

“I’m getting my fucking phone,” Levi says.

Red does something that makes Levi grunt again, and a small smile curves my lips when a flash of memory reminds me of Levi, Bobby, Red, and the Perv Pen at my old dance club.

“Let him go, Red.” I grab my security guard’s wrist and tug on it. He drops Levi’s arm immediately and steps back. “It’s fine. Let me talk to him.”

“That’s not a good idea.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Red, this is Levi. He’s not going to hurt me. Just give me a minute with him.”

The whole time I speak with Red, I can feel Levi watching me silently. I heard it in his voice that he’s been drinking, but in my peripheral, he stands as tall and steady as ever. Arms crossed on his chest, eyes hard and focused on me. It’s annoying, actually. Even drunk, he’s still buttoned-up and straightlaced. Composed as ever.

“I’m staying right here.”

Red is insistent. He won’t leave me alone with this drunk idiot, no matter if said idiot is just this weenie from my childhood.

“Fine,” I say on a sigh, then push past him, and face Levi. “What do you want, Cooper? It’s two in the morning and you smell like a distillery.”

That was a lie. He actually smells good. Like wood shavings and sea salt. He runs his fingers through his hair coolly, then shoves his hands in his pockets. He never takes his eyes off me.

“How was L.A., Rockstar? D’you have a good time with your band?”

I cock my head to the side. His question is unassuming enough. Friendly, even. It feels like a trap.

“I had a great time. We won two awards.”

Levi nods. “Yeah, I saw. Brynn watched the whole thing. Real kind of you to give her a shout out.”

“Is that what this is about?” I ask with a roll of my eyes. “I didn’t say her name. You don’t have to worry. There’s no association with my infamy.”

He doesn’t comment. Not on my infamous reputation with the tabloids. Not on how important it is that he and Brynn aren’t mixed up in it. He just stares, then takes a step toward me, dragging his eyes down my body slowly.

“How’s your fiancé?”

My head jerks back at his sudden change of subject, but he continues, unfazed.

“Did you give him my message? Was my taste still on your lips when he kissed you?’

I flick my eyes to Red. He’s acting like he’s not listening, but I know he is. He’s so nosy. I focus back on Levi and narrow my eyes. He’s acting like a jealous idiot.

“I told you already, Levi, Torren isn’t my fiancé.”

He laughs a dark, humorless laugh.

“Sure, he’s not. I thought you were supposed to be sober, Rockstar. Was that a lie, too?”

My jaw drops, but he still doesn’t stop. He takes out his phone and starts to read out loud, his voice mocking and dramatic, like a newscaster giving a nightly broadcast.

“It says here, ‘Is Sav Loveless due for another rehab visit? The Hometown Heartless made an appearance at the Music Choice Awards last night, but it seems their lead singer couldn’t even make it off the red carpet without causing a scene. Has she failed yet another attempt to get clean? Judging from the drunk and stumbling, we sure think so. See our exclusive photos of Sav’s despicable fall, even taking out her own bodyguard on the way down. At least her fiancé, Torren King, was there to lend her a hand. Let’s hope she didn’t ruin the Givenchy.’”

My heart is in my throat, and it takes all my restraint not to grab his phone and stomp on it. These tabloids are ruthless, and they don’t care what lies they spread so long as they sell copies. Hammond is going to fucking kill me. I bet the moment I turn my phone back on, it will be nothing but scolding and berating and damage control attempts.

Fuck, if this fucks things up with the label...

I was feeling so good about this weekend, too.

“None of that is true. It’s all bullshit.”

I fist my hands to keep them from shaking, but I can’t keep the angry waver from my voice. Or the hurt. For once, I actually do things right and I still get screwed over.

“I was sober. I didn’t take anything. I didn’t drink anything.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“You just tripped over your dress, then? The one that barely covered your ass.”

“That’s not what fucking happened either. Jesus, Levi, give me some credit.”

“The pictures don’t lie, Sav. These photos with you on the ground. These pictures of you all cozied up with Torren fucking King.”

“The pictures do lie, actually, and if you knew anything about anything, you’d know that. It’s not what it looks like. It’s never what it looks like. You’re being a damn idiot.”

Levi steps closer, his voice lowering to a sensual whisper. A lover sharing secrets, but his tone is menacing. He trails his knuckles up my arm, leaving goosebumps behind as he continues to speak.

“Am I, though? Am I reading too far into it? Matching outfits. Holding hands. Laughing. Cuddling in your velvet seats. Tucking your hair behind your ear.”

His fingertips brush my jaw, then he takes a strand of my hair and runs it behind my ear, so gently I barely feel it. His breath smells faintly of whiskey and something sweet. Something citrusy. Oranges. When he wraps his hand around the side of my neck and rests his thumb on my lower lip, I expect him to kiss me.

He doesn’t. Instead, he meets my eyes once more, and it’s nothing but anger.

“That’s how you do it though, isn’t it, Rockstar. You come on my tongue then turn around and hang all over his arm. Did you think of me?”

“What?”

I shake my head slightly against the firm, warm grip of his hand, and his thumb moves over my lip. I’m so confused by his closeness, frustrated and angry and turned on, that his words don’t make sense.

“What?” I ask again, and his answering smirk is almost cruel.

Cruel, but sad.

“When his mouth was on you. Did you think of me?”

I take a step back, my brows slanting and my jaw tightening. My heart is racing, hands itching to reach for him, but he’s being an asshole.

“Nothing happened between me and Torren. I told you, he’s not my fiancé. He’s not even my boyfriend.”

“That fucking flashy ring tells me otherwise, Sav.”

He glances to my ring finger and back, and I mentally curse myself for not taking it off once we got out of the airport, but I was so tired. I’ve worn it all weekend, and I haven’t taken it off just in case we ran into paps. I almost forgot it was there.

“It’s a stunt, Levi. It’s be—”

“Savannah.”

Red’s voice cuts me off, and I whip around to face him. He shakes his head once.

“You signed a contract.”

I grit my teeth. He’s right. I’m not supposed to tell anyone about any bullshit with my label or they could sue me six ways to Sunday. But what the fuck, man. I groan and purse my lips, tilting my head to the side as I stare off with Red.

“Savannah. Do not.”

I sigh and turn to Levi. I meet his eyes once more, and I make sure he sees that I’m serious.

“It’s a publicity stunt. The label is making me wear the ring so the media thinks I’m engaged to Torren so we can try to avoid any more negative press surrounding the band’s breakup. It’s not a hiatus. I told them I’m done, but they’ve given me an ultimatum like the money hungry, controlling douche bags they are.”

I hear Red sigh. Poor guy. He deserves a raise. I glance at him.

“Sorry, Red.”

He shakes his head, but he doesn’t say anything else.

“Why would they do that? Why would you do that?” Levi asks, and I shrug.

“It’s this or they announce they’re replacing me. They want The Hometown Heartless to carry on without me, as if I’m not the whole fucking band.”

Just saying that out loud makes my stomach twist up in knots. After this round of tabloid lies, I could have just fucked everything up, but I push that thought out of my head for now.

“They gave me until we’re done filming to make a decision about leaving, but I gotta wear the ring to buy the time.”

Two and a half months.

I have two and a half months left.

How are the days moving so quickly? How have I been here for this long already?

Levi’s eyes bounce between mine as he considers my words. I can’t read what’s going on in his head. I used to be able to read his emotions, but right now, whether it’s the darkness or the alcohol or the heightened emotions, I just can’t tell, and it’s making me nervous.

“Where’d you get the ring,” he asks finally, and every muscle in my body goes rigid.

I don’t answer, and his nostrils flare.

“He proposed, didn’t he?”

When I still don’t answer, he scoffs.

“That sleazy fucking loser has no respect for women. No respect for you. All he cares about is bro code. I knew the tabloids talked about you two all the time, but Jesus Christ. Do you really have no sense? Don’t you care about yourself at all?”

My temper flares at his tone, at the way he’s talking like he knows anything at all about the situation. He doesn’t. He knows nothing. It’s been eight years. Things are different now.

“Don’t act like you know about me and Torren, Levi. You don’t know him.”

“I was there when he defended the guy who assaulted you, Savannah. You forgetting that? If I hadn’t stepped in, his brother would have raped you, and Torren would have let him because he took that fuck’s word over yours.”

I don’t believe that. Not anymore. I’ve had years to think it over, and I really believe Torren would have defended me if he’d seen Sean in action. God, it sounds so fucked up, but it was drugs and mixed signals and Torren struggled with going against his blood. Sean had been his protector since birth. Torren looked up to him his whole life. He’d only known me less than a year. He didn’t want to believe it.

But how do I explain that to Levi?

I know he’s right about Sean. I know what it feels like when someone has no plans to stop. I felt it in Oscar’s forceful, painful touch. I felt it with that sham of a foster father and the sick rules he made me follow. I felt it in Terry’s gaze every time he looked at me. I’m so conditioned to it now that I can sense it, and I felt it with Sean, but Torren has more than earned my trust since that night.

“What Sean did that night on the beach was fucked up. I agree. It never should have happened. I know that. But when I decided to kick Sean out of the band, Torren stood by me. He backed me even when our band was still sleeping in the van. Even when we had to rework all our songs to make up for losing the keyboard. We were nobodies, and he supported me. Turned his back on his older brother. His family won’t even speak to him now.”

Levi scoffs and shakes his head.

“Supported you and then moved in on you. Did he do the same as Sean? Did he—”

“Torren isn’t Sean, Levi! They’re brothers, but they’re not the same. Torren didn’t so much as touch me for two years after everything went down with Sean. And even then, he was adamant about being sober. About me being sober.”

Levi’s face twists up, and I have to close my eyes to keep from seeing the disgust that is sure to fill his after I speak the next truth.

“He wouldn’t touch me until I made the first move. He wouldn’t get high with me until I coaxed him. Until I convinced him. Until I reassured him over and over that it was what I wanted. Every encounter, every exchange, sexual or otherwise, was consensual, and most of the time, it was initiated by me. If anyone was disrespectful in that relationship, it was me, and that’s the truth. Not everything is black and white. So much of life exists in the gray spaces."

Saying it out loud makes me feel even shittier.

I used Torren. I used him for comfort. For reassurance. I used him to make myself feel wanted. I used him so I didn’t feel guilty for getting high and disconnecting.

Torren turned his back on his brother, on his whole family, for me, and how did I repay him? By messing with his head and his heart, and breaking up the band, which is the only family he really has. The only family any of us have. I’ve been so unfair to him. He didn’t deserve it.

“And yes, he proposed,” I force out. “But only because I led him on. I led him to believe I felt more for him than I do. He proposed, but I didn’t say yes.”

The silence between us is charged, and I wait, breathing heavily, for him to speak. For him to say or do anything to release me from this paralysis of guilt and shame. I hate what I did to Torren. To Mabel and Jonah. To myself. I want so badly to fix it, and damn it, I am trying.

Levi takes my left hand in his, and when I open my eyes, I find him staring at my emerald. He rubs the base of my ring finger, then toys with the stone on the ring.

“I don’t care what led to it, Savannah. I don’t care. It should have been mine. I have your first kiss. Your first fuck. And this? This should belong to me, too. This should have been mine just like the rest of you.”

He holds my hand up between us as if I need a reminder of what he’s referring to. I don’t. I know exactly what he’s saying. My blood roars in my ears as my heart races faster. My chest aches. This should belong to me, too.

“And what about me?” I rasp, tears starting to well in my eyes. “What about me, Levi? You can have all my firsts, and what do I get? The scraps? Whatever is left of you after you give everything else to another woman? I’m just supposed to be okay with always being your second choice?”

I flick my eyes to his left hand and the black silicone band he still wears on his ring finger. Julianna died two years ago. He says he never loved her, yet he still wears the ring.

When I bring my eyes back to his, the intensity I see there is enough to make me sway on my feet. For the second time tonight, I think he might kiss me, and it shocks me just how badly I wish he would. Even now, with everything muddled and confused between us, and the timing all wrong, I want to kiss him again.

I wait for it. I long for it. I know he’d taste like whiskey tonight. Whiskey and oranges.

Slowly, Levi brings my hand back up between us, unfolds my fist, and presses a soft kiss to my palm. I feel the brush of his lips on every inch of my body. It’s such a sweet, featherlight touch, yet it sets me on fire. He holds my gaze, and when he finally speaks, the raw emotion in his voice breaks my heart.

“You may not have been all my firsts, Savannah Shaw, but you’ve always been my forever. You’ve always been my one. My only.”

Slowly, he drops my hand and steps backward. I’m immediately colder with the distance.

“How will you get home?” I ask, and he smirks.

“I have a ride.” He takes a few more steps backward until he’s standing by my gate. “See you later, Rockstar.”

Then he just turns around and leaves with me staring dazedly at his retreating back until the darkness swallows him and his footsteps have faded entirely.