Say Yes by Kandi Steiner

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Art of Disappearing

Heavy, dark clouds hung over Florence all weekend long, allowing me the permission I needed to lie in bed and do nothing but overthink.

It never did rain. It was balmy, hot, and humid, but completely overcast, like summer was holding on with a death grip as fall tried to force its way in.

“I made soup,” Angela said after a gentle knock on my door Sunday afternoon. “And before you say you’re not hungry, you should know that I’m not above force-feeding you, and that would be traumatic for both of us, so just… eat it. Or throw it out your window when I’m not looking so I feel better.”

I tried to smile, but found the muscles rusted from lack of use.

She sat the bowl on my bedside table before climbing under the covers with me and wrapping me in her arms, resting her chin on my shoulder. “He’s going to come to his senses,” she promised softly.

“I think he already has, hence the shoving me out of his dorm and reminding me what he told me at the beginning of the summer.” I closed my eyes and shook my head against the shame I felt like a hot iron in my chest. “It’s what you told me, too. I should have listened.”

“It’s different now and we all know it,” Angela said. “Yes, I was worried, but the more I saw you two together, the more I saw it…” She leaned up on her elbow, waiting until I looked up at her. “He cares about you, too, Harley. He’s just scared to admit it.”

I swallowed, nodding like I believed her, and even twenty-four hours ago I would have agreed. But time and distance had my thoughts growing quieter and quieter, until the only thing I sat with was the truth.

That he told me to go.

That he said he didn’t love me.

That ever since I met him, he’d been a man of his word.

Why would that change now?

“Please, eat some soup,” Angela pleaded. “And take a shower. A short one,” she said before I could protest. “You don’t even have to wash your hair, okay?”

I shook my head, burrowing deeper into the covers.

“You might see him tomorrow,” she said softly. “If he’s in class. And if he is, do you want to be smelly and miserable-looking?”

I groaned. “No.”

“That’s what I thought. Come on,” she said, hopping over me and off the bed before she grabbed my wrists and pulled until I was sitting upright. “Eat,” she said, pointing at the soup. “And then shower,” she added, pointing at the door.

I saluted her, and then she left me alone, and though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I knew I at least owed it to her to try to eat. This was the girl who warned me from the start, who told me to keep my feelings out of it, and to remember the verbal contract I’d signed.

And even though she’d warned me, she was still here trying to help me through the consequences I brought on myself.

I managed to eat half the soup, and I took a long, piping hot shower before crawling back into bed. I stayed there until morning, lying there until the last possible minute before I needed to get dressed and out the door for class.

My stomach was in knots the entire walk, the overcast sky making it feel like I was in the Twilight Zone. I walked, but it didn’t feel like me walking. I sat down at my stool, but it didn’t feel like me sitting. I propped my textbook up on my easel, but it didn’t feel like my fingers on the pages.

And when Liam didn’t show, I felt nothing at all.

The next day, however, my sorrow and anxiety turned into something darker, something more sinister.

Anger.

Or perhaps just an intense level of annoyance.

Either way, I scoffed to myself when he didn’t show up to class again, fuming all through the lecture on how he had not only blown me off, but now he was throwing away an entire summer semester of work because of his stupid pride.

I simmered on it all through my internship, too, and by the time I made it back to the dorm, I was raging.

“I’m going to his place,” I announced to Angela, throwing my bag against the wall so hard, my textbooks sounded like a gunshot.

She jumped, dropping the small piece of balsa wood in her hand that I assumed was about to be part of the roof she was building on her model.

“Whose place?”

“Liam’s.”

Her eyes went wide. “Uh… I think that’s a terrible idea.”

“This is just stupid,” I said, throwing my hands up on a huff. “Whatever, he doesn’t want to be with me? That’s fine. I was just sex to him? That’s fine,” I lied. “But to not come to class for four days? To throw away everything he’s worked for because of… of… pride?” I growled. “No. I won’t let him. I won’t let him do it.”

I was already ripping my uniform over my head and stomping back toward my room to change as Angela hastily wiped her hands on the towel hanging from her pocket before chasing after me.

“I think you should let him come to you,” Angela said.

I snorted. “Yeah, fat chance that will happen. And even if it does, by that time, he’ll have an F, and no way to save himself.”

“It’s not your responsibility to make him go to class.”

“I promised to hold him accountable. I promised to help him wrangle his procrastination and laziness and actually do something with this program.”

“He doesn’t want to see you,” Angela said more forcefully, yanking me to a stop before I could pull a tank top over my head. Her warm eyes locked on mine. “He doesn’t want to see anyone.”

I swallowed, knowing it was the truth, but lifted my chin in defiance, anyway. “Well, that’s too damn bad.”

Angela sighed as she released me. “Fine. But I’m coming with you.” She held up a finger on her way out the door. “And for the record, I still think this is a terrible idea.”

“Noted.”

Less than ten minutes later, Angela was scurrying alongside me and quietly urging me to slow down and take a breath as I angry-stomped toward Liam’s dorm. When we made it, I knocked loud and hard on the door before Angela could stop me.

“Calm down,” she said, pulling me to look at her. “If you want to achieve anything, you can’t blow in there like a hurricane.”

“I’m calm,” I assured her.

She cocked a brow.

Resigned, I closed my eyes and forced a long, slow breath before meeting her gaze again. “I’m calm. I promise.”

She nodded, releasing me, though the way she pressed her lips together told me she wasn’t convinced.

“Where is he?” I asked Thomas as soon as he opened the door, barging past him and toward Liam’s room.

“Uh… hello to you, too,” he mumbled, gesturing for Angela to come in before he closed the door.

I tried to open Liam’s bedroom door, but the handle only barely jiggled.

Locked.

I banged on it with my fist. “Liam!”

“Okay, let’s take a breath,” Angela said, grabbing my arms and pulling me from the door.

“No, this is ridiculous,” I said, shrugging her off before I was banging on the door again. “Liam! Open this door and talk to me. Now.”

“He’s not here,” Thomas said, but it didn’t register, and I kept banging and screaming until I was wrapped up from behind and hauled back into the living room. Thomas deposited me on the ground again with a grunt. “He’s not here, Harley.”

My chest heaved with every breath, and I could feel my crazy eyes as much as I saw them reflected in Thomas’s and Angela’s expressions.

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know,” Thomas said.

I smoothed my hands over my jeans. “Fine. I’ll wait,” I said, plopping down on the couch.

Thomas swallowed, looking regretfully at Angela before his eyes came back to me.

“What?” Angela asked him. “Why do you have that look on your face?”

He sighed, running his hand back through his hair. “I don’t know where he is,” he said again. “And I don’t think he’s coming back.”

I had my legs crossed, the one on top shaking incessantly, but everything stilled when he said that.

“What?” I asked, popping up from the couch. “What do you mean?”

“He… he packed everything up. Everything. He wouldn’t talk to me, just packed and left. And then earlier today, a couple of staff members came by. They looked around his room, marked off stuff on a clipboard, had someone come in and clean, and then locked it up.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Harley. But he’s gone.”

I was already shaking my head, blinking over and over like I could clear my eyes and my ears and erase everything he’d just said. “What? No. He can’t be… he can’t be gone,” I insisted. “Have you emailed him?”

“I tried, but I only had his school email. It bounced back.”

“Shit.” Angela deflated on a sigh. “Come here,” she said, already reaching for me.

“No.” I wiggled away from her, marching up to Thomas. “He can’t be gone. Where did he go? Where did… I don’t…”

I shook my head, looking around the dorm for anything that belonged to him, for a sign that he’d be back. When I didn’t find anything, I bolted around Thomas and back toward his room, heaving my shoulder into it with all my might to try to knock it down.

“Harley!”

Angela tried to pull me away, but it was useless. I slammed my shoulder into the wood over and over again until I was sure it would bruise the bone.

“He has to be in there. He has to be!” I screamed. Memories of our last conversation replayed like a movie reel, and I heard his words clear as day.

I wish it was me who was dead.

Urgency spiraled through me, and I started kicking the door and beating on it with my fists. “Liam! Liam!”

Suddenly, I was wrapped up in Thomas’s arms again and hauled away. I kicked and cried and thrashed against him until he dropped me to the ground in the living room.

“He’s gone, Harley,” he said, framing my arms in his hands and forcing me to look at him. “Okay? He’s not in that room, he’s not in this apartment, he’s not in this city, or for all we know, this country, anymore.”

My lips trembled, eyes watering as his words sank in.

“I’m sorry,” he added. “Really, I am.”

I closed my eyes, then, succumbing to the flash flood that took me under in the next breath. Thomas caught me as my legs went limp, and Angela was right there at my side, too, rubbing my back and assuring me it would all be okay.

It’s okay.

We’re here.

You’re okay.

It’ll all be okay.

But all I heard was the irrefutable truth that I didn’t know how to survive.

He’s gone.