Say Yes by Kandi Steiner

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Art of Jumping In

There’s something sort of magically eerie about being in a park after midnight.

Parco delle Cascineis usually bustling with both tourists and locals, the lush, green, riverside park filled with bicycles and skateboards and picnic blankets and artists. I’d stumbled upon soccer games being played in the meadows, and markets lining the shady walkways. I’d set up my canvas to paint here when I’d first arrived and sat on a bench to watch the sun set over the city.

But in the moonlight, the trees swayed with whispered promises of discovery, and it felt like stepping into a fairytale book.

We didn’t pass a single soul as we strolled along the tree-lined path, and Liam didn’t say a word. He hadn’t said much at all since I reminded him he had to hold up his end of the bargain, other than to barter with the few restaurants still open to sell us a bottle of wine, along with a small selection of cheese, meats, and fruits.

It was somewhat dizzying, the way he volleyed back and forth between one mood and then the other so easily.

He carried the food in a brown paper bag, rolled three times and hanging from his left hand, and the bottle of wine by the neck in his right. I still had no idea what we were doing here, or what it had to do with doing something that terrified him, but I didn’t ask questions. I just followed his lead until we were sitting on the grass embankment overlooking the Arno River.

We didn’t have a blanket, so as soon as we sat down, the wet grass soaked through my dress. But it was a warm-enough night that I didn’t mind. In fact, it was oddly pleasant, as if sitting on a blanket would have separated me from the park, but lying in the grass made me a part of it.

I was one with the quiet current of the river, and the rustling leaves of the trees, and the cool, damp blades of grass.

“So, are you afraid of parks at night?” I asked as Liam used a gadget on his keychain to open the bottle of wine. We didn’t have glasses, so he took the first swig before handing the bottle to me.

He didn’t share in the smile I wore after the joke. In fact, he looked somber and lost in thought as he balanced his elbows on his knees, his eyes on the moonlit river.

“I promised you I’d do something that terrified me,” he said. “And what terrifies me most is talking about my past.”

Liam sucked up all the air in the park with that admission. The wind stilled, the distant noises of insects and birds faded away, and even the river calmed its current. It was as if the flora and fauna quieted and leaned in to listen, all eager to hear what he would say next.

“To use a tired and worn-out phrase, I had it all,” he said after a long pause, his eyes still fixed on the river. “And by that, I mean everything society told me I should want, that I should work for — I had. I was president of my fraternity at the University of Connecticut, landed an internship at a prestigious law firm the summer before my senior year, graduated with honors and was accepted into law school well before I walked the stage for undergrad. My parents were proud. I was proud.” He swallowed. “And the icing on the cake was Julie.”

Just saying her name made his voice catch, and he shook his head, clearing his throat before he turned to me and reached for the wine bottle hanging loosely from my left hand. I passed it over, hugging my knees as I waited for him to continue.

Neither of us reached for the food.

“I met her sophomore year. She was the fraternity sweetheart, and the most beautiful girl on campus. But she was more than that,” he said quickly. “She was smart, and driven, and witty. She could charm an entire room no matter what the occasion.” He paused. “I asked her to marry me as soon as we graduated, and she said yes.”

My heart thumped loudly in my chest, in my ears, warning me that no matter where the story went from here, it would take a dark turn. Because there was no ring on Liam’s finger, and from his activities in Florence this summer, I knew he wasn’t still engaged.

And he certainly wasn’t married.

“We took a year to plan the wedding. Well, Julie did the planning. I just said yes, dear to whatever she wanted,” he said, the corner of his mouth crooking up at the memory. “I was focused on law school, anyway — studying, interning, networking. So between cake tastings and registry shopping, I worked my ass off and aced my first year.” He chuckled. “Dad was so proud, he offered to put a down payment on a new house for me and Julie after the wedding.”

My throat was thick with anticipation as I watched him and he watched the river, the steep line of his nose and sharp angles of his jaw illuminated by the moon.

“That year of my life passed in the blink of an eye,” he said. “And everything was perfect.”

Liam fell silent for so long, I wondered if that was the end of the story, if that was all he was going to tell me, before he shook his head and took a long pull of wine. He stared at the bottle hanging in his hands between his knees before he glanced over at me.

“I’ve never told this to anyone,” he said softly. “No one who wasn’t a part of it, anyway. Who wasn’t there when it all happened.”

“You don’t have to tell me. If it’s too hard.”

“No,” he said quickly. “A deal is a deal. I know that was far from easy for you back there,” he added, nodding toward the city. “If you can do that, I can face my demons.”

“I just had to sit there, though. I didn’t have to speak.”

“You had to put the most vulnerable part of yourself on display,” he amended, his eyes catching mine. “Don’t diminish what a big deal that was.”

I nodded, falling quiet again as Liam cracked his neck and looked out over the river.

“My little brother, James, was my best man. He’s four years younger than me, so he wasn’t even old enough to drink at the time, but I made sure he knew he was expected to throw me an epic bachelor party. I wanted to golf all day and party all night. I wanted expensive steak, and even more expensive strippers. And even though it wasn’t his style, James came through and delivered on everything. A week before the wedding, he rented a limo for the day, and we all piled in and had the best time of our lives doing everything on my list.”

Liam swiped his hand over his face, gripping his jaw tight and shaking his head over and over. It took everything I had not to speak as the silence stretched longer and longer, but I knew just from watching him that it was difficult to speak about. So, I gave him the space to feel through it at his own pace.

“It was late when we wrapped up,” he said after a long while, his voice as unsteady as his breath. “Half of the guys were passed out in the limo, the other half were drinking and carrying on like the night had just begun. It was a great group, the bachelor party. My dad was there, and Julie’s dad, too. My brother and her brother. My three closest friends from UConn.”

He paused, rolling his lips together as his gaze fell between his knees.

“I remember looking around that limo and thinking how lucky I was. I was studying at my dream school, preparing for my dream job, days away from marrying my dream girl, and weeks away from buying my dream house. I’d made my dad proud. My little brother looked up to me. All my friends thought I had it made, and I did. I really did.”

Liam ran a hand back through his hair, blowing out a breath.

“I was sitting at the head of the limo, closest to where the driver was, just looking around at all these guys who meant so much to me. They were all there to celebrate me, to share in this huge life milestone. I’d thought about it so many times, what my bachelor party would be like, and here it was coming to a close. I was on a high. It was the best night of my life.”

He scrubbed a hand over his jaw, and in the moonlight, I saw his eyes gloss over, his next words strained with emotion.

“I was looking directly across the limo at where my little brother sat, half-asleep, with a lazy smile on his face as he tried to stay up. I remember I was about to call out something to him about not falling asleep. And I remember Dad was telling a golf story to Julie’s dad, and Julie’s brother was laughing about something with my fraternity brothers. I can see everything about that moment like it was frozen in time, like it was the longest split second of my life…” He swallowed. “And in the next instant, we were hit.”

My heart stopped in my chest, blood running cold.

“A drunk driver T-boned us,” he explained further, and every word seemed to burn him from the inside out. He spoke slower and slower, each syllable riding out on a shaky breath. “I must have closed my eyes because all I remember is being thrown around like a rag doll. It felt like hitting the biggest pothole to ever exist. I couldn’t control anything. We were all at the mercy of gravity because not a single one of us was wearing a seatbelt. Something hit my head and then… there was nothing. It was just black and silent. I thought I was dead.” He swallowed. “And when I woke up in the hospital, I wished I was dead. But the truth was much worse.” He turned, eyes meeting mine. “I was the only one who survived.”

I closed my eyes, releasing two silent tears down each cheek as I did. I didn’t realize my eyes had glossed over the more he spoke, but the emotion was too much to hold back.

“God, Liam. I’m… I don’t even know what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say,” he said, and when I opened my eyes again, I found him staring out over the river. “I realized then what a fucking sham life is. All of it. You think you know what you want. You think you know what’s important. You think you’ve got it all and then wham,” he said, illustrating with a clap of his hands. “In an instant, all that shit is gone.”

“What happened next?”

“I fell apart.”

He said the words simply, matter-of-factly, like the answer was obvious.

“I was alive, medically speaking, but I was completely dead inside. I didn’t speak. I didn’t eat. I couldn’t look Julie in the eye when she showed up at the hospital. And when my mom came…” He shook his head. “It was all I could do not to launch myself out of the hospital window and end it all. I was still numb when they released me, and everyone was waiting on me, everyone needed something. We needed to reschedule the wedding. We needed to plan services. We needed to do so fucking much and I just… I couldn’t handle it.” He swallowed. “I left.”

“You… left?”

He nodded, his eyes distant. “I asked Mom to cash out my trust. It nearly broke her heart when I did because she knew, she knew something was off, that I was about to do something drastic. But I think she also knew I couldn’t stay.”

My heart broke for the woman I didn’t know, for the pain she must have experienced losing her husband and youngest son to death, only to lose her other son soon after.

“I know now, looking back, that I should have stayed. I should have been there — for my mom and for Julie. I should have been a man. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t deal with it, any of it. I couldn’t look at Julie without feeling responsible for killing her dad and her brother. I couldn’t look at my mom without feeling like she blamed me for it all. I couldn’t admit that I was the reason she no longer had a husband or her youngest son. I couldn’t face the families of my best friends to tell them their beloved sons had died partying — because of me.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I said hurriedly, reaching over to squeeze his arm.

I didn’t even realize until I did it that I reached with my right hand.

“Maybe not,” he said with a shrug. “But maybe so. You could argue both ways, I guess. Regardless, I couldn’t face it. Any of it. So, I left. I left Julie, and I left my mom, and I left school and our apartment and every materialistic possession I owned. I just… left.” He swallowed, his eyes meeting mine. “And I haven’t been back since.”

He looked down at where my hand was on his arm, and I withdrew it instinctively, wrapping my arms around my knees again.

“You never went back?”

“Never.”

“Do you talk to her?” I asked. “To Julie?”

“No. She hates me now,” he said. “Mom disowns me. I don’t blame either of them.” He swallowed. “I left them there to deal with all of it — the funerals and the pain, not just of losing fathers and brothers and friends, but for Julie, losing her very much alive fiancé, too.”

I frowned, looking down at the grass as my stomach roiled violently. I didn’t even know Julie, but I felt so sorry for her and what happened that a fresh wave of tears built in my eyes.

“And as much as I hate it,” Liam continued. “I know even if I could go back, I would have done the same thing again. Because I wasn’t the same after the accident. I wasn’t going to be able to just go back to work, and marry Julie, and be a good husband and son and employee and maybe a dad. I may have survived physically,” he said. “But mentally, everything shifted. The old Liam Benson died in that crash. I couldn’t be what any of them wanted me or needed me to be.”

“So, you left.”

“So, I left.”

I sucked in a long breath, blew it out just as slowly, and let my eyes wander over the moonlit river as I digested everything he’d told me. Part of me wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to scream at him for being so selfish. Part of me wanted to hold him and say I understood.

I knew what it felt like, to want to run away from it all and start over.

I just didn’t have the same choice.

“Have you ever heard of Antaeus?” I asked after a while.

Liam shook his head.

“He was a giant, son of Poseidon, god of the sea, and Gaea, goddess of the earth,” I explained. “When he would meet a foe in battle, any time they threw him to the ground, he got stronger. Because the earth was his mother. It renewed his strength.” I met his eyes. “I know it may not feel like it right now, but just because you were thrown down doesn’t mean life is over. Maybe it’ll make you stronger.”

“That’s an awful optimistic way to look at things.”

I shrugged. “Gotta have hope in something, right?”

His subtle laugh through his nose told me he thought otherwise. “What do you have hope in?”

“That I can be a successful artist,” I answered easily, holding up my right hand. “Despite all the people in life who tell me otherwise.”

“Is that what your parents tell you?”

I swallowed. “They love me, and they want to support me… but they worry. I think they always had this picture for me, before I was even conceived, you know? They pictured their life with kids and had a vision in mind. And I… well,” I held up my right hand. “I don’t fit it.”

“You can do whatever you want to do.”

“I know,” I said, though part of me wondered after my first two assignments here in Florence. I pushed those doubts down, though, focusing on the moment. “And what do you want to do now?” I asked. “You said you couldn’t be what they wanted or needed you to be… what do you want to be?”

“Nothing.”

I frowned. “You can’t want to be nothing. You have to want something.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“You’re in a three-month intensive art program in Florence,” I reminded him. “You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to do something with your art.”

“Why do I have to want to do something with it, other than simply create it?”

I shook my head. “You don’t want to get paid for your work? Make a living from it? Be known for it? See your paintings in museums, or homes, or city centers or… or…” I waved my hand around. “Anything?”

“No.”

“No?” I asked incredulously. “Then, why are you here?”

He shrugged. “Because right now, I like to paint.”

I blinked.

“It’s not always about trying to get somewhere or be something. Not for me. Not anymore.” He swallowed. “I did that once, and I found out the hard way how fast it can all go, and how you can lose everything about yourself if you tie everything up in these future dreams.”

Liam stood, brushing off his pants.

“Everyone thinks if they achieve this or that, then they’ll be happy. Then they can start living. But what they fail to see is that this is it.” He bent down and thumped the ground before raising both hands up to the sky. “This is life. It’s happening right now. And if you don’t stop and soak it in, you’ll miss it.”

Before I could reply, Liam shrugged out of his leather jacket and then reached back behind his neck to tug his t-shirt off next. He was already unbuckling his belt when I scrambled to my feet.

“What are you doing?” I asked in a hushed voice, looking around as if we were in a crowded building as opposed to completely alone in a dark park.

“I’m jumping in,” he said, nodding toward the river. “How about you?”

He started off toward the river, leaving a trail of boots and clothing behind him until he splashed into the water. It was a steep decline off the embankment, and within four steps, he was up to his chest.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to swim in there!” I hissed, still looking around like we might be caught and arrested.

“Come on, Harley Chambers. We’ve both faced fears tonight,” he called. “Why not break a few rules while we’re at it?”

I crossed my arms and shook my head.

Liam smirked. “That’s not how you say yes.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but stopped short when Liam arched a challenging brow.

I growled. “You are so frustrating!”

“Say that to my face.”

I narrowed my eyes at his stupid smirk before looking up at the sky, letting out a long huff. With a grumble, I tore off my jacket and left it in the grass. I kept my dress on, though, and walked to the water’s edge, dipping one toe in.

“It’s cold!”

“It’s not that bad. Come on,” he said, reaching a hand out for me. “Jump in.”

The way his dark eyes sparkled in the moonlight was dangerous. They were mesmerizing, hypnotic, intoxicating. He watched me with that crooked smile, and his hand extended, a dare in his gaze that seemed much deeper than just asking me to jump in the Arno River.

And maybe it was the thrill of yes night buzzing through me. Maybe it was the invincible feeling that sprang from doing something that scared me to my very core. Or maybe it was the exhilarating rush that came from knowing this peculiar boy had told me something he’d never told anyone else, that he’d let me in on the most private, most vulnerable part of who he was.

Something ignited in me standing on that riverbank, like a match falling onto a gasoline-soaked forest floor.

With a breath and a squeal, I launched myself into the cold river.

I jumped in with Liam Benson.

If only I had known just how deep that boy’s water was.

My dress clung to me as we walked the narrow streets that led back to the dorm buildings, water dripping down my shins and ankles as the sun spread its first rays out over the city. The last couple hours had been the quietest, but now, slowly, the city stirred again, merchants and tourists alike waking to embrace the new day.

I felt like a zombie, my body moving without my brain telling it to. I was half-asleep and yet had the jitters like I’d just chugged a pot of coffee. I watched the city wake through bleary eyes, but I smiled despite the exhaustion from a night I knew I’d never forget.

Already, my fingers were itching to paint.

When we made it to the dorm building, I folded my hands together at my waist, ready to say goodnight. Or rather, good morning. But when I turned, I found Liam watching me under wet strands of messy hair, his jaw set, eyes flicking between mine.

He didn’t look ready to say goodnight.

And suddenly I didn’t want to say it, either.

“Thank you,” I said. “For tonight.”

He nodded, stepping a little closer, a little too close for me to breathe properly.

“Invite me up to your dorm,” he said, voice just above a whisper.

I didn’t know if it was still technically yes night, but this time, I said it because I wanted to.

“Yes.”

My hands shook as we walked the winding stairs up to my and Angela’s dorm, and even more so when I stuck the key in the lock and turned, inviting him in.

Liam stood at the entryway, peeling off his jacket and boots and setting them to the side before his eyes wandered the space.

“Cool couch,” he said after a while.

I snorted. “That couch is many things, but cool isn’t one of them.”

Liam offered a smile, and then he stood there with his hands in his pockets, waiting.

And I had no idea what to say or do.

“Um… do you want to shower?” I asked, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“Probably not a bad idea.”

I led him down the hall to the bathroom I shared with Angela, careful to be quiet when we passed her room. I grabbed a towel from under the sink and set it on top of the toilet.

“Left is hot, right is cold,” I told him, pointing to the knob in the shower. “But don’t turn it too far left, or you’ll lose all the hot water in three minutes. Lukewarm is the aim.”

Liam nodded, but when I went to turn and leave him, his hand slipped into the crook of my elbow.

The touch was subtle and soft, gentle — but so steadfast and confident it stopped me in my tracks. My inhale caught in my chest, and when I looked up into his dark eyes, I thought I’d never find a full breath again.

“Aren’t you going to shower, too?”

I blanched. “You want to… shower… together?”

He shrugged, as if it wasn’t even close to preposterous to suggest. “If the hot water is finicky, better not waste it, right?”

Before I could respond, he bent to turn on the water, testing the temperature before he pulled the chain that made the water reroute up through the shower head.

Then, he looked at me again, and with his eyes locked on mine, he stripped his shirt off, unbuckled his belt, and let his jeans fall into a heap at his ankles.

I couldn’t hide how labored my breaths were now, my chest heaving with effort to bring oxygen to my lungs. Liam noticed, too, and he stepped into me, framing my arms with his hands. He held me there until my breathing steadied, his eyes searching mine, and then slowly, his hands moved to bunch the fabric of my dress at my waist.

“Are you okay?” he whispered.

I nodded, and he bunched the fabric a little more, exposing my skin to the warm steam now circling the bathroom.

I clamped my hands over his when he pulled my dress up over my panty line, and he paused, holding my gaze and not moving another inch. I trembled, but then took over where he’d started, peeling my wet dress up overhead and letting it fall next to his jeans.

It was a spaghetti strap dress, so I hadn’t had on a bra underneath, which meant I was standing in a tiny bathroom with Liam Benson in nothing but a pair of cotton panties.

And he was in nothing but a pair of briefs.

His Adam’s apple bobbed hard in his throat, and his eyes flicked down over my exposed breasts, my navel, the space between my thighs before he found my gaze again. I wanted to do the same, to let my eyes wander the length of his body, but I couldn’t. I just kept my eyes on his and tried my best to keep oxygen flowing.

Liam’s eyes didn’t move from mine as he bent slightly, grabbing the hem of his briefs, and then with a swift pull, they were at his ankles. He stepped out, and I didn’t have to look down to see the length that sprang free.

I swallowed.

His eyes searched mine before he turned, stepping into the shower and giving me privacy to strip off my panties. Alarms rang in my ears as I did, but I didn’t stop to listen to them. I ignored every part of my body and brain that wanted me to resist, and completely surrendered to the adrenaline running through my veins.

When I was nude, I stepped into the shower with Liam. The warm water sprayed overhead, soaking my hair and falling in rivulets down the length of me. Liam swallowed at the sight, and finally, I let my eyes drop to take in the full view of him, too.

His body was lean and toned, his abdomen lined with ridges and valleys that the water cascaded over like it was its natural habitat. Dark hair curled on his chest and ran along the center of his abs, trailing all the way down between his legs. My eyes caught on the veins lining his arms, the deep V where his lower abdomen met his thighs, the soft, dark hair that dusted his pelvis, and finally, on his hard, wet member.

My next exhale shook through my chest, and I ripped my gaze up to find him staring at me, his breathing just as shallow as mine.

Liam stepped closer to me, until we were both under the showerhead, and his hands reached out ever so slowly until his fingertips grazed my hips.

I shuddered at the touch, a foreign wave of lust washing over me. I’d only been intimate with one other man in my life, a boy I dated for a year in undergrad, and he had been just as clumsy and inexperienced as I was.

But the way Liam held me, the way he stared down at me over the bridge of his nose like he was a hungry beast, and I was his next meal, made me tremble with a mixture of want and fear.

“Harley?”

“Yes?” I whispered.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

Liam smirked, and I almost shied away from embarrassment, but he tilted my chin until I had no choice but to look into his eyes. Those dark embers stared into the very depths of me; then, his gaze fell to my lips, and on the next exhale, he closed the gap between us.

My eyelids fluttered shut at the touch, at the feel of his warm, wet, soft lips meeting mine. Chills ripped through me, all the way down to my toes, so fierce I would have sworn that the water ran cold the moment Liam touched me.

He kissed me soft at first, hesitant, as if he was waiting for me to pull away. When I didn’t, he wrapped his arms fully around me, crushing me to his wet, naked body as he applied more pressure. His mouth pressed hard into mine until I gasped for air, and when I did, he snaked his tongue inside my mouth, stealing my next breath altogether.

I felt his hard-on against my abdomen, the length of him spanning from my hips to above my belly button. The longer we kissed, the more it flexed against me, and the more I pulsed for him just the same.

I was dizzy when he pulled back, my eyelids heavy as I strained them open to find him smiling at me under the showerhead.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” I asked on a ragged breath.

“Letting me kiss you.”

I flushed, looking at the water falling between us until Liam’s fingertips traced a trail down my arm to grab my right hand. I swallowed, watching as he ran a line from my thumb to my pinky, and then he lifted my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to every single finger.

Even the ones not fully developed.

I tried to swallow but found it impossible past the lump in my throat, and when Liam’s eyes met mine again, he offered a small smile. “And thank you for letting me crash your night.”

Much to my dismay, he released his hold on me after that, reaching for the bottle of body wash behind me and squeezing a healthy amount into his palm. He handed the bottle to me next, and then we silently washed ourselves, sharing a playful smile now and then until the water ran cold just as I assumed it would.

We toweled off, and Liam got dressed again in the same clothes he’d worn all night, while I slipped into an oversized t-shirt and a pair of sleep shorts.

“I’m so tired, I feel half-dead,” I said when we were standing in my room, Liam scrubbing his hair with the towel.

He chuckled. “Climb into bed. I’ll get the curtains.”

He tossed his damp towel over the back of my desk chair before drawing the curtains over the one-and-only window in my room, and then he climbed into bed with me, wrapping me up against his chest.

“This feels like a dream,” I murmured, sighing at the warmth radiating from his body.

“Maybe it is.”

“I hope not,” I whispered.

The second my eyes shut, exhaustion took me under.

Somewhere in the space between sleep and awareness, I thought I felt Liam press a kiss to my forehead.

But when I woke less than an hour later to the sound of Angela making coffee in the kitchen, he was already gone.