Sign Me Up by Dulcie Dameron
Parker
to today, the day of our pumpkin patch adventure—and I use that term loosely—have flown by. Normally, I would be annoyed that our boss is forcing us to play nice by frolicking in a corn field somewhere, but the more I think about going with Jamie, the more I keep conjuring a scenario where I’m lost in a corn field withher.
I can see us now…laughing as we pick out the perfect pumpkin for her front steps—of course, she’d probably pick out the one she thought needed the most TLC—holding hands as we trek through the corn maze and I purposely get us lost so I can tuck her hair lightly behind her ear…maybe even steal a kiss…I let out a frustrated breath, knowing that probably none of those things will take place. But hey, a guy can dream, right?
I try my best to focus on my work the rest of the day, but it’s hard knowing that Jamie is in the cubicle right next to mine. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I should throw caution to the wind and admit my feelings.
Ever since her text exchange with Mike the other day, there’s been an uncomfortable foreboding invading my chest. Mike’s texted words I want another chance glare like a billboard in my mind. He’s trying to win her back. And pigs will fly before I stand by and let him weasel his way back into her life.
From day one, Mike treated her like an afterthought. She was more of an accessory on his arm than a person to be cherished. But Jamie could never see it. She was all the time telling me about the sweet things he’d do for her, which to me were merely common courtesy.
Forgetting to call her while he was away for a week on a business trip, then showing up with flowers when he got back as an apology? Sure…nice cover, bro. Taking her to a fancy restaurant for dinner on their six-month anniversary? He could’ve come up with something more original, something that coincided with her love languages which I know are quality time and unexpected gifts. Plus, he always calls her babe and only ever compliments her physical appearance. His lack of effort has irked me from the beginning.
And then there were the constant mixed signals. Every time it seemed like they’d taken a step forward in their relationship, Mike would withdraw, and Jamie would be confused. She’d confided in me more than once about how Mike seemed distant and uninterested. She never really knew where she stood with him, even after months of dating.
The worst part about it all is that from what I’ve heard from Jamie, her past boyfriends weren’t much better. It’s possible she doesn’t even know what being loved by an honest-to-goodness nice guy feels like.
With Mike upping his game to win Jamie back, I can’t help but feel like it’s time I revealed my hand. I can’t continue to pine for my best friend and hope for the best. No. Now, it's time for action.
And capitalizing on these work excursions is the perfect way to do it.
If I could just show Jamie what it would be like if we were together, convincing her with my actions that things between us could be amazing, maybe she’d give me a chance to be more than just her friend. Smiling to myself, I determine to enact a plan. The Make Jamie fall in Love with Parker plan.
How I’ll execute it remains to be determined, but I guess I’ll figure it out as I go along. More than anything, I want Jamie to know how much she means to me. How special and wonderful I think she is. And knowing just how independent that woman can be, I’ll have my work cut out for me.
When late afternoon rolls around, a steady stream of anticipation hums throughout my body. And it’s all because I get to spend the next few hours with Jamie. Will my motley crew of co-workers also be there? Yes. But will I pretend they aren’t? Also, yes.
Plus, I sent an email to Jamie earlier asking if she thought we’d be split up for this particular activity, and she confirmed that Jordy said we would get to be with whoever we wanted.
I did a little online research on the Corny Acres Pumpkin Patch this morning and found out it’s not just any pumpkin patch and corn maze. It just so happens to be one of the most popular fall excursions in this part of Ohio, boasting a hayride, corn kernel pit, petting zoo, and a haunted corn maze.
Now, truth be told, I’m not one for spooky attractions, and that’s probably because I startle easily. Not being able to hear someone come up behind you will do that to a person. So, I’m not sure how this night will go, but I’m still excited to get to hang out with Jamie outside of work. Technically.
I slip on my hoodie before meeting Jamie at her desk. Ready? I ask her through sign.
She smiles and rises from her desk, grabbing her jean jacket from the back of her chair. I gently tug it out of her grasp, and hold it open for her to slip her arms through. She shoots me a questioning glance, but does as I expect and puts her arms through the jacket.
We head out to our cars and Jamie tells me that she’ll follow me over to Corny Acres. It takes us fifteen minutes to drive there and get assembled in front of the trailer selling freshly made donuts at the entrance, where we were told to meet.
My stomach rumbles at the tantalizing smell of fried dough. Hopefully Jamie won’t think any less of me when I singlehandedly smash a dozen of those delicious-smelling donuts that are now calling my name.
Stefan steps to the front of our group dressed in a trendy leather jacket that makes him look like he’s trying too hard and waves a hand in the air. Jamie sidles up next to me and folds her arms under her chest. When our eyes meet, she gives me smirk that says, this ought to be good.
I turn back to our boss and watch his lips as he speaks, intently trying to focus on what he’s saying. I don’t catch it all, but when he holds up three fingers, I can make out the phrase, “Groups of three.”
I turn my head away and grit my teeth. Why is it important that we stay in groups of three? I thought the goal of these activities was to boost employee morale, not make us want to quit altogether. My dream of getting to be alone with Jamie is fading faster than the daylight.
I suppress a sigh and look down at her. She’s listening to Stefan, so I wait for her to meet my eyes. When she does, her lips move so fast, whatever she said is lost to me as she darts off toward the edge of our group.
I puff out my cheeks and run a hand through my hair. As I look around at the small group of people surrounding us, I mentally run through our options.
There’s Les Jenkins—a man who would probably be able to spout off random facts about corn the entire time we meander through this maze. I could simply turn away to avoid having to pay attention, but that would mean Jamie would be subjected to his incessant knowledge about corn.
There’s Lucas—the man who believes he’s God’s gift to women. Or Jordy—the girl who I realize is locking eyes with me and giving me a little wave. I nod in her direction to be polite, then turn back around. I have no interest in engaging in a pointless game of charades with the girl who has spider-like fake eyelashes.
Harsh? Maybe. But I’m seriously terrified of spiders.
There’s a handful of other people from the paper I don’t know well, including some of the paper boys who have routes around town. Apparently, Stefan invited everyone associated with the Gazette to come on these little outings, not just the office staff.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jamie and Gladys coming my way, so I start toward them. I’m glad Jamie had the forethought to choose someone as benign as Gladys Mullins to accompany us. She may be nearing seventy and have hair that mimics a home for bees, but it seems like the woman almost always keeps silent at work, which is a plus in my book. In fact, I would probably say that Gladys is a loner. Maybe even a tad grumpy at times.
Thankfully, she doesn’t look grumpy right now as I approach her and Jamie. The stark contrast between the small older woman with a pinched face and glasses perched high on her pointy nose in her velour jogger suit lined with rhinestones and Jamie’s cool casual look of black jeans and denim jacket reminds me what an odd group we must make.
When I reach the two women, I point to the donut stand and sign, Hungry?
Jamie glances toward the small trailer where a man in an apron hands a freshly frosted doughnut to a young girl, then back to me. “Oh, yeah.”
Our small group of three gets in line for doughnuts, and I can almost taste the maple frosting on my tongue. I have a serious weakness when it comes to sweets. Jamie knows it too.
One time at work, Jamie snuck into my cubicle and stole my canister of mini-M&M’s out of my desk. Then she proceeded to replace the M&Ms with a celery stick and put the canister right back where she found it. When a craving for sweets hit me in the middle of my workday and I reached for those mini candies of goodness, I popped the lid and tipped the whole thing back to my mouth, only to be disgusted when a celery stick slid down my throat, almost choking me in the process.
Of course, Jamie made sure to watch and record the entire incident. She laughed her head off and made fun of me for a week after that. But that’s okay because I got her back. I replaced the lemon water in her water bottle with Sprite. Not as creative or funny, but it still irked her. She doesn’t like to overindulge in sweets like pop on a regular basis.
We get to the front of the line, and I sign to Jamie which doughnut I’d like. Ordering out can be a guessing game when the person taking my order doesn’t realize I’m deaf, and since there’s a long line behind us, I don’t want to cause it to back up. She orders for the both of us, as is usual when we eat out together, then Gladys orders for herself, and I make sure to pay for all three orders. This isn’t a date by any stretch of the imagination, but, as a gentleman, I’m still going to foot the bill when ladies are involved.
Jamie ordered us each a doughnut and a hot cider, and both taste delicious. Way better than I’d imagined. After relishing my second bite of the sweet fried dough, I open my eyes and notice Gladys watching me, her brown eyes wide over the rims of her glasses. I stop mid-chew and look at Jamie. She’s biting her lower lip to keep from smiling as she puts her cider cup to her mouth.
It dawns on me that I must have been enjoying my donut a little too much for a public space.
Oops.
I sometimes make noises when I eat, but I can’t help it. When something tastes this good, it’s worth a satisfied moan or two. I finish chewing my doughnut in what I hope is silence and swallow down the rest of my cider.
After tossing my trash into the nearest can, I sign sorry to Gladys, hoping she’ll get the message. She returns my apology with a blank stare as she slowly sips her hot cider. I guess the two of us won’t be best buds by the end of the night.
When we finish eating, our group begrudgingly starts toward the corn maze. I think at this point, all three of us are dreading this experience. Jamie isn’t a fan of anything horror related, and I don’t know enough about Gladys to determine if this is her kind of thing or not. I’m assuming by her permanent scowl and the cigarette she’s about to light that she’s not looking forward to it.
We reach the entrance behind what appears to be a group of college kids. A worker beside us says something to Gladys and motions for her to put out her cigarette. Right. Because smoking in the middle of a dry field of corn probably isn’t the best idea. Gladys reluctantly drops her cigarette and snuffs it out with the toe of her all-white tennis shoes.
We enter the maze, following a winding path that seems to go nowhere. The college-aged group in front of us is having fun already, shoving each other and laughing, and as they round the first corner, we lose sight of them.
When we reach a fork in the maze, I grab Jamie’s arm, then sign, Which way?
She purses her lips, looks both ways, then asks Gladys what she thinks. Gladys’s lips barely move as she says something unintelligible to me and shrugs. When Jamie turns back to me, I point left. Why not?
Taking the lead, I step down a path that’s covered in down-trodden corn. After a few minutes of walking, we cross under an archway made of corn and fake spider webs. Yay, my favorite.
We’re swallowed up in a foggy haze and can barely see where we’re going. To my delight, Jamie moves in closer to me and clutches my arm for support. My muscles flex in response and I smile, thinking maybe this haunted thing might not be too bad after all.
As we take tentative steps into the fog, a frightening figure with stringy black hair and gray skin emerges from the corn. Whatever it is boldly approaches us with long fingernails outstretched, beckoning us closer. Yeah, no thanks.
Jamie and I sidestep the creepy person as much as we possibly can, while I sense Gladys following closely behind us. We continue to navigate our way through the maze when a zombie child on a mini tractor emerges out of a wall of corn in front of us with an eerie smile darkening its face.
I jump back, alarmed, tugging Jamie along with me. We bump into Gladys, who moves around us and scowls at the child. She boldly steps forward and starts waving her hands, saying who knows what to the poor child actor, causing the little one’s evil smile to quickly fade. Before I realize what’s happening, Gladys is chasing the now crying child back into the corn with her purse, stopping once the kid disappears.
Jamie covers her mouth with her hand and looks up at me with wide eyes, like she can’t believe what just happened. I raise my eyebrows back at her because I have no clue, either.
The three of us head down another path and after a while, we come across an empty coffin in the middle of a clearing. Faux candles are lit in lanterns, and pumpkins with carved, frightened faces are scattered around the area.
Gladys marches right up to the coffin and peers inside like she’s daring anyone to pop out and scare her. When no one does, she turns toward us with a smirk. Then, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the most menacing Dracula I’ve ever seen slowly stands up behind the coffin, ready to scare an unaware Gladys. His fake fangs protrude as he leans over the coffin toward her.
Jamie’s frozen in place, staring wide-eyed at the scene unfolding before us. Taking the initiative, I point behind Gladys, alerting her of her would-be scarer. She simply raises a skeptical brow at me, removes her purse from her shoulder, and swings it behind her with all her might. It makes direct contact with Dracula’s face, and he staggers back, drawing a hand up to where he was struck.
My mouth falls open at Gladys’s reaction. I have the urge to stop and see whether Dracula’s alright, but I’m not ready to be labeled as an accomplice to maiming an actor in the Corny Acres’ haunted attraction. Instead, I grab Jamie’s hand and dart out of the clearing.
When I look back to check if Gladys is following us, I see her standing over Dracula, who’s now cowering in the fetal position on the ground, and jabbing a bony finger at him. She looks like she’s scolding a naughty pet for tinkling on her expensive carpet.
I laugh and shake my head as we start forward again. After a few steps, Jamie pulls me to a stop and says something, but it’s getting dark, and I can’t read her lips.
I lift my hands between us and sign, I can’t see your mouth. To drive home my point, I gently brush my thumb along her bottom lip so she gets the message. She shivers and blinks up at me, her pupils wide in the dusky evening.
After a moment of us just staring at each other, she steps back and looks back toward where we came, probably wondering if Gladys followed us. I tap her shoulder and point down another path. After what we just witnessed, I’m positive Gladys can take care of herself, and I just want out of this stupid maze now that it’s clear this will be the absolute last place a romantic encounter with Jamie will take place.
I grab Jamie’s hand and lead her away. After a few minutes of walking with no one jumping out at us, I’m starting to feel more confident that we’re nearing the end of this thing. I slow our pace and lightly drag my thumb along the back of Jamie’s hand, hoping she’ll take note of the tender touch without shying away from it. Before now, we’ve never really had a reason to hold hands, but I’m loving every second of it. Hopefully, she is too.
As we round a corner on our right, I take stock of our surroundings. We seem to be completely alone. I lightly tug Jamie to a stop, and she peers up at me with questioning eyes. Swallowing down my trepidation, I move a step closer, hoping she won’t be weirded out by my odd behavior. I just want her to know that I think of her as more than a friend. That all I do is think about her and how amazing we could be together, if only we were bold enough to try.
And since anything I try to sign will most likely be lost in the darkness, I’m hoping my actions will say more than words could in this moment. I’m close enough now that I can see through the shadows to every beautiful nuance of Jamie’s face. The way her bluish-gray eyes twinkle under the moonlight, the way the light sprinkling of freckles across her nose gives her a youthful appearance, the way her perfect lips part as I close the distance between us…
Suddenly, as if someone shook me awake from a dream, Jamie’s eyes widen and she yanks on the front of my shirt, pulling me into a wall of corn, stumbling and tumbling down to the ground. I plummet forward with her but catch myself before I drop on top of her. When I look in her eyes, they’re filled with fear, fixed on something behind me.
I hesitantly turn my head to assess who or what is lurking there when I’m startled by a larger-than-life two-headed rabbit wearing blood-spattered overalls and wielding a chainsaw. He’s brazenly advancing toward us, and I don’t like the maniacal gleam in his four glowing red eyes. On instinct, I rip a few corn cobs from the stalks around us and start whipping them at the two-headed rabbit as hard as I can.
He tries to dodge them, using his chainsaw like a shield, but he’s no match for my quick throws. When one of the corn cobs pelts him in his left nose, he staggers backward. I haul Jamie up and we run, not caring that we just assaulted a paid actor and ditched our sixty-something-year old co-worker in the middle of the maze with Dracula.
By the time we reach the end, we’re keeled over, out of breath. Surprising us, Gladys reappears on the path adjacent to us with a sly smile. As a group of three again, we pass under a sign that says, “You survived Corny Acres Haunted Maze,” finally putting an end to the madness that was the last forty-five minutes of our lives.
A few yards away, I see a few of our co-workers, so we head that way. I only manage to take a few steps when someone grips my upper arm from behind. Startled at the unexpected touch, I turn to see a large man who could be Hoss from Bonanza’s twin brother, dressed in a plaid shirt and overalls, scowling at me. In true hillbilly fashion, he spits out a string of tobacco and then addresses me. The only words I’m sure I read right from him are, ask you to leave.
Apparently, my reputation precedes me.
I start to respond in sign, but Gladys gets the man’s attention and gestures wildly with her hands. She advances on him, poking her finger directly into his chest, much like she did to Dracula, but this guy doesn’t flinch. I have no idea what she’s saying because her back is to me, but it seems intense. I look at Jamie and she meets my eyes with raised brows, mouthing, “Go, Gladys!”
After Gladys finishes giving the man a lecture, he eyes the three of us with newfound disgust and I’m positive he says, “I’m still going to have to ask you to leave.”
He doesn’t have to tell me twice. Grabbing Jamie’s hand again, we start toward the exit, but not before Gladys stomps off ahead of us. Jamie smiles up at me, eyes glittering in the dimly lit walkway that leads to the parking lot. I can’t contain the smile that tugs at my lips in response. I pick a piece of corn silk out of her hair and toss it aside. Even after trudging through a haunted corn maze and falling into the corn, she still looks beautiful.
This night may not have been anything like I expected it to be, but you won’t find me complaining. The entertainment alone was worth it. Scare factor: Slightly terrifying. Gladys factor: Hilarious. And the fact that I got to hold Jamie’s hand for a good portion of the night ended up being the main attraction.