Code Red by N.R. Walker
Chapter Eighteen
Maddox slept for seventeen hours.
He appeared on the cabin deck, disheveled, and confused about where we were. Our laughter must have woken him. I ran up the embankment, cleared the two steps onto the deck, and collected him in a crushing hug. He was all warm from being in bed.
“Hey, beautiful,” I murmured.
He sighed in my arms. “What time is it?”
“Two o’clock.”
“Did you give me something that made me sleep?”
I shook my head. “No. You were exhausted.” I could hardly rouse him to get him out of the car at three this morning when we’d arrived, and he’d curled up in bed and gone straight back to sleep.
“Hey, dickbag!” Jeremy called out as he walked toward us from the woodpile.
Maddox pulled back, squinted at the afternoon sun. “Where am I?”
“Manchester,” I replied.
He looked at me, then looked out at the view. It was rolling green pastures, hills, cattle, a barn. “Uh, I’ve been to Manchester and it doesn’t look like this.”
I laughed. “Manchester, Vermont.”
Jeremy climbed the steps and collected Maddox in a tight embrace. “I just got here an hour ago. The boys wanted to come, but then all the security would have to come and it would have been a big deal. As it was, Steve wouldn’t let me come up by myself.” He pointed back down to where he’d come from, and there was Steve behind the woodpile. Steve waved at us. Jeremy laughed. “I was chopping wood. And that’s not a euphemism.”
“He was trying to chop wood,” Steve yelled. “He didn’t even know which end of the ax to hold.”
Jeremy snorted. “Not entirely true.”
Maddox scratched his head and shot me an odd look. “Is this your parent’s place? Why are we here?”
“This is my aunt and uncle’s ranch, just outside of Manchester. My parents will be here tomorrow.”
Maddox made a face. “Oh good.”
Jeremy snorted, and I rubbed Maddox’s arm. “They’ll like you.”
He ran his hand through his hair and looked out to the mountains at the horizon. “It’s nice here.”
“Thought you might prefer some open space and not another hotel room.” I gestured to the other cabin past the woodpile. “My aunt and uncle used to run those ranch stays, but the insurance made it hard. There’s three cabins, and the main house is up over the rise.”
“I’m in the next cabin, Steve’s in the far one,” Jeremy said. “How freaking cool is it here? There are some horses we can ride. We were gonna light a fire later on and cook out.”
Maddox breathed in deep and closed his eyes. “The concert . . .”
“The concert went just fine,” Jeremy replied. “We got the crowd to sing the last few songs with us and the media loved it. The whole stadium sang. It was kinda magical.”
Maddox gave him a sad smile. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are,” Jeremy replied. “But there’s no need to be. We got through it. Just glad you’re okay.”
Maddox was quiet for a few long seconds. “Did Ambrose flip his shit?”
I shook my head. “No. He understood.”
“He’s actually been pretty good,” Jeremy said. “He put out a presser this morning. He said the band was taking a well-deserved break after the tour, which we were gonna do anyway. You could imagine the questions they yelled at him about you, but he shot that shit down pretty quick. He was kinda savage.”
Maddox nodded slowly. “And everyone else went back to LA?”
“Everyone,” I replied. “It’s just us.”
“And you wanna know the best part?” Jeremy asked, his grin wide. “There’s no Wi-Fi here. At all. If you wanna use your phone, you need to walk up the hill. We’re completely cut off from everything, like it’s the olden days.”
I laughed. Jeremy’d been here for maybe two hours. I doubt he’d think it was so great in a few days . . .
“Jeremy!” Steve called out. He was holding the ax out. “You wanted to do this.”
Jeremy grimaced and trudged back down the steps. “Before I knew how hard it was.”
Maddox chuckled, and when I held my arm out, he walked right into a hug. He breathed in deep and clung to me. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For bringing me here. For knowing what I need when I don’t. For taking care of me.”
I squeezed him and rubbed his back. “You hungry?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“My aunt dropped off some food. There’s fresh bread and some deli meat, fresh eggs, and tomatoes. They grow all kinds of things.”
I led him inside to the small kitchenette. The cabin itself was very humble. It was old, consisted of one bedroom, a tiny bathroom, a small living area with a wood fire, a couch, and a small kitchenette. And that was it. It was a very far cry from the five-star hotels we’d been used to. Or Maddox’s mansion, for that matter.
“I like this,” he said with the hint of a smile. There was no sarcasm or jokes. “It’s cozy and warm. It feels . . . good. Kinda homey.” He leaned against the counter while I threw together a sandwich for him. “Did I really sleep all night and half the day? I don’t even remember getting here. Did you carry me in?”
“Almost. You were exhausted, and honestly, I think you could probably sleep for a week.”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. His hair still had product in it from the concert last night and he still wore his dangling earrings. He wore his usual outfit—gray sweatpants and a black hoodie—and he still took my breath away.
I handed him a plate with his sandwich. “Thank you,” he whispered.
I kissed the side of his head. “You’re welcome. Let’s sit out on the deck and watch Jeremy make a dick of himself.”
“I’m glad he’s here,” Maddox said. “I mean, time alone with you is great. But it’s nice that he came too.”
“He was coming here whether I wanted him to or not,” I admitted. “He loves you, and he was worried. He also said if I didn’t give him the address, he’d tell the police I kidnapped you and he could just follow the FBI helicopters.”
Maddox chuckled. “Sounds about right.”
“And Steve refused to let him drive by himself,” I added. “He got everyone to the airport this morning and made sure Robbie had the latest brief, and they drove straight here.”
We sat in the two chairs on the deck and laughed as we watched Jeremy and Steve try to do the Captain America thing, where he splits the wood with his bare hands. Maddox finished his sandwich and pulled his chair closer to mine, put his leg over my thigh, and when that wasn’t close enough, apparently, he sat on my lap. Just curled up, with his arms around my neck, his head on my shoulder.
“Your aunt and uncle don’t mind us being here?” he asked.
“Not at all. It’s good to see them. And I told my uncle I’d help him around the ranch while I’m here. I used to spend the summers here when I was a kid, helping out.”
“Will you tell me everything,” he murmured.
“Everything about what?”
“Everything about you. You know every single thing about me. I knew you grew up in Vermont, but I never pictured it like this.”
“I grew up in Bennington. It’s about twenty-five miles from here. My parents still live there, and my dad’s brother owns this ranch. But my parents sold the house I grew up in and bought a condo, so their new place doesn’t really feel like home to me.”
“Do you miss being here on the East Coast? Do you miss seeing your family?”
“Not really. Well, I didn’t. Until I needed to take you somewhere safe and the one place I thought of was here. I knew if I could get you here, you’d be okay. It’s private but it’s all open spaces. There’s room to breathe here, and the outside world may as well be a million miles away.”
He sighed. “It’s perfect. We could stay here forever.”
“Well, we could . . . until winter. The one thing I absolutely do not miss from here is the snow in winter and the freezing cold. But mostly the snow.”
“Oh, yeah. I’m not a fan. But maybe one time, if you teach me how to ski and if there’s log fires to fall asleep in front of.”
I rubbed his back. “That actually sounds pretty good. And speaking of family, you should call your mom. She was worried.” She’d seen the footage, obviously, and all the news updates. “We’ll need to walk up the hill.”
“Okay. Can I just stay here for a second first?”
“Of course.” I gave him a squeeze and kissed the side of his head.
After a while, Maddox eventually sighed, peeled himself off me, and went in search of his boots. I waited on the deck and we walked up to the top of the rise. We could see the main house from here and the view on the other side was just as vast and just as green. I hit Redial on his mom’s number and handed him my phone.
“Roscoe?” I heard her say.
“No, Mom. It’s me.”
“Oh, Maddox, I’ve been so worried!”
I took a few paces away so he could have some privacy, but I could still hear what he said. “I’m okay. … Yeah, he took care of me. … Yes, he is. … Well, about that . . . Mom, it’s still kinda new. … We’ll talk about it when I get home. … Next week. I just need a few days to decompress, Mom. … I just wanted to let you know I’m okay. … Yeah, of course. … Love you too.”
I gave him a smile and he gave me back my phone. “I think I just told my mom about us.” He made a strangled laughing sound. “God. There’s no getting out of it now. She knows, there’s no going back.”
I laughed and threw my arm around his shoulder as we began walking back down the hill. “That’s okay with me.”
“Hey, Madz,” Jeremy called out. “Come and help me start the campfire. And I can show you my cabin.”
Maddox groaned but he smiled as he walked off toward Jeremy. Steve came up and joined me on the deck. I fell into one chair, he sat in the other. “Gotta say, this is a helluva spot.”
“Nice, huh? But I’ll ask you that in a few days when you’d kill for decent coffee and a halfway reliable internet connection.”
Steve chuckled and we watched as Maddox and Jeremy walked over to the next cabin. It was maybe fifty yards away, and they were talking. “How is he today?” Steve asked.
“He’s still tired, but now that the tour’s over he seems calmer, relieved. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just because he’s here and he managed to get some sleep. Time will tell, I guess.” I shrugged. “He and Jeremy have a lot of things to talk about.”
“Do you think he’s done with the band?”
“Who, Maddox?” I shook my head. “No. I think he needs a break. A break from everything for a good while. But he loves music and the four guys. They have stuff to work through, don’t get me wrong, but they’re like brothers. And I think how they work as a band, going forward, will be different. How Atrous comes through this will be different than how they’ve gotten through everything else.”
“It has to be,” Steve said. “They’ve had too much pressure on them for too long. Maddox especially. They were just kids when they started. Do Arlo Kim and Platinum Entertainment know how lucky they are that it’s those five guys? Those five guys together, in particular. They don’t have week-long benders, they don’t touch drugs, they don’t trash hotel rooms, they don’t wreck sports cars for fun or do interviews when they’re drunk. They’re good kids, they’re humble and respectful, mostly, and they’ve handled everything better than most ever could.” He shook his head. “What Maddox said about being a circus monkey in a cage was right on. I get why he feels that way, and I don’t know how Maddox lasted as long as he did, to be honest. Humans aren’t meant to be tested for tensile strength.”
I smiled at him. I liked that analogy. “No, they’re not. But I think he knows there isn’t some magic fix for this. He’s on a long road, and it’s not gonna be easy. But he’ll be okay.”
Steve nodded slowly. “I’m glad you two finally figured it out, too.”
“Figured what out?”
He laughed. “That you had a thing. You both spent two years trying to not check each other out, looking when the other one wasn’t.”
I nodded, not even embarrassed. “I’m glad we figured it out too.”
Steve looked over to where Maddox and Jeremy had disappeared. “We should go and see what they’re doing. They shouldn’t be left unsupervised, especially if they’re trying to light the fire pit.”
I chuckled. “That’s a very good point.”
As evening became night, we sat around the fire grilling some steaks and burgers—the fire that Steven and I fixed, not Maddox and Jeremy, after their disastrous attempt. My aunt and uncle came down from the house and met Maddox, and they’d made enough sides and fresh bread to feed an army. We ate, we talked, we had a few beers, and we laughed.
But the night turned cold, and after Maddox had yawned for the fifth time, I pulled him to his feet. “That’s our cue,” I declared. “It’s been . . . actually, it’s been lovely. But Maddox is falling asleep.” And he yawned again, just to prove my point. We said our rounds of goodnights and headed back to our cabin.
“I smell like a campfire,” Maddox said, sniffing his hoodie. “Even my hair smells. I need to shower.”
“Okay. Want me to fix you some hot tea or something?”
“No, I want you to shower with me.”
I snorted. “That shower cubicle is tiny. I barely fit in there by myself.”
Maddox’s smile disappeared under his hoodie as he pulled it over his head. He tossed it onto the couch. “Then we better stand really close together.”
He kicked off his boots and his eyes never left mine as he pulled his sweatpants down.
Fucking hell.
We really didn’t fit in the shower, and we probably splashed more water outside the cubicle than in it, but neither of us cared. We did manage to shampoo his hair and half-scrub each other before we took it to the bedroom.
“God, Roscoe,” he moaned as I lubed his ass, fingering and stretching. “I need you to make this good. Fuck me so hard. Please.”
I didn’t need telling twice; my already aching dick longed to be inside him. I pushed him onto his belly and bit the back of his neck. “You keep talking like that and this will be over before it begins.”
He laugh-groaned into the mattress, arching his back and spreading his legs. I rolled on a condom, added more lube, then pushed into him in one long, deep thrust. He cried out, a guttural sound, fisting the pillows above his head. But he backed his ass onto me, wanting more.
So I gave it to him.
Just like he wanted. Hard, deep, over and over, again and again. He felt so damn good, so hot and tight. I gripped his hips, nailing him, and when I hit that spot, that sweet spot inside him, he unraveled underneath me. I held his hips still while he came, fucking him harder still, filling the condom inside him, and he groaned like I’d never heard.
Pain, pleasure, both, all at once. And even when I held him afterwards, his whole body jerked and twitched, making him laugh every time. “What the fuck did you do to me?” he asked, chuckling, groaning.
I kissed the side of his head. “I did what you asked me to do.”
He snuggled into me, warm and sleepy. “Promise me you’ll do that again.”
I held him tighter, drifting off to sleep with him. “Certainly gonna try.”
He chuckled and sighed, his breathing evened out and I smiled into his hair, and I fell asleep wondering if this was the beginning of our new normal. Would we get to have this—having nights with family and friends, making love, sleeping in each other’s arms without a care in the world?
I wanted that with him. I wanted that for him. Sure, we had a long road ahead of us, with Maddox’s panic disorder; doctor appointments, therapy, whatever it took. They had to figure out the path Atrous would take from here, but I had no doubt they’d be okay.
Maddox would be okay.
He knew now that everyone around him loved him and supported him. And they now knew that he’d struggled for too long, that he’d tried to be strong for everyone else and it almost broke him.
It was all in the open now, and they could begin to move forward. Whichever direction they took, whatever they decided, they’d be okay.
So yeah, that night for the first time in far too long, sleep came easy.
My parents arrivedthe next morning to find me laughing my ass off watching Steve trying to teach Maddox and Jeremy how to roundhouse kick a haybale. Dad hugged me and Mom fussed over my eyebrow and temple, which was now a nice yellowing purple, but at least it gave time for Maddox to walk over while Jeremy laughed at him in the background.
He was clearly nervous, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Mom, Dad, this is Maddox Kershaw,” I said, putting my arm around his shoulder. “Maddox, this is Allison and Derrick Hall, my parents.”
Dad shook his hand. “Nice to finally meet you, son.”
Maddox’s cheeks flushed. “Likewise.”
Mom took Maddox’s hand in both of hers. “Oh, you’re even more handsome in real life.”
Oh god.
“I’ve seen you on television and in all the papers,” Mom kept on. “And of course Roscoe has told me all about you.”
“Mom,” I tried.
“He has?” Maddox asked, slightly amused, slightly horrified.
Mom patted his hand. “All good things, I promise. He’s always talking about how wonderful you are. For years, actually.”
Oh, dear god.
“Mom, I don’t think we’ll play the ‘let’s embarrass Roscoe’ game today. Please?”
“Yes, let’s play that!” Jeremy said, grinning as he walked over. “Tell me everything!”
Of course my mother would find Jeremy adorable, and for the rest of the day my parents told them all embarrassing stories of me growing up. My awkward teenage years were a particular highlight, which Jeremy found hilarious. But it put Maddox at ease so I didn’t mind too much.
We ate a lot of food and talked half the day away. It was so good to see them, and maybe I had missed them more than I’d realized. Maddox and Jeremy decided to drag Steve along for a walk through the fields, giving me some time alone with my folks.
“You look tired, love,” Mom said. “And your eye. I saw it on the news, where that man pushed you into the pole. It was terrible.”
“I’m fine. Better now the tour’s over, that’s for sure.”
“Until the next one,” Dad chimed in. “You’re always traveling off to somewhere.”
I nodded. “It’s been pretty crazy.” I wasn’t telling them that things would be different now, maybe slower, because I honestly didn’t know if they would. “We have a break in our schedule now for a while. Still busy but not so much traveling.” I smiled at them. “Maddox mentioned wanting to come back here to spend some more time, maybe in winter. So that might be something we can plan.”
“Would it be just you two this time?” Mom asked, hinting.
“Maybe.” I felt my cheeks heat. “Then again, he’s one of five. Maybe the guys will come with us. Usually where there’s one, there’s one more, or four, not too far away.”
“That can’t be easy,” Mom said.
“Sure it is,” I replied. “I knew what I was getting into, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. He needs those guys as much as they need him.” I sighed. “It’s a different life, Mom. It’s a different world. It’s not all glitz and glamour like the papers say it is. It’s empty hotel rooms and exhaustion, it’s isolation and loneliness because they can’t go anywhere. They can’t even go to a grocery store without it being a full security issue. They have no normal. Nothing in their life is normal.”
She nodded, though I doubted she really understood. “Well, I’m glad he has you.”
“I’m glad he has me too.”
“He really is more beautiful close up than the pictures show.”
I laughed. “I know. Believe me, Mom. I know.”
“Not sure how I feel about all those long earrings though,” Dad added.
I shook my head, still laughing. “Oh, Dad, they’re one of my favorite things.”
He shrugged, resigned. “Must be a gay thing.”
I rolled my eyes and laughed again. “Must be.”
Five days later,we packed up the cabins and got ready to leave. Maddox was nervous about going back to LA. It meant going back to real life and facing his mental health head on. We’d had an amazing week at my uncle’s ranch. A week removed from the hype, the media, and the noise of all the bullshit that went with it.
But we couldn’t stay here forever.
Maddox hadn’t had another panic episode, though last night he practiced some deep breathing when he was talking about flying back to LA. He’d started to feel anxious and antsy knowing he had to deal with his reality again, and he recognized it for what it was and countered it with his breathing exercises. It was a tiny step in the grand scheme of things, but it felt so much bigger.
Maddox and Jeremy had talked a lot over the five days, and their friendship seemed even stronger now. Or maybe it was just restored back to what it had been, how they used to be. I didn’t get involved in their conversations about the future of Atrous because at the end of the day, I just wanted Maddox to be happy. Whatever he decided was fine with me. But if Maddox had had any doubt about what he’d face back in LA, if he’d be facing it alone, it was gone. Because whatever Atrous decided, they would face it together. Maddox knew that now, and I swear some of that weight he’d carried for so long was lifted.
Ambrose had organized a jet for us to catch at the Bennington airport. Given there were four of the team, including Maddox and Jeremy, it warranted the effort. An airport that size probably hadn’t seen too many private jets in its time, and Steve was very happy with the isolated, rural setting rather than going into Boston.
“We’ll be home by dinner time,” I said, lifting my suitcase into the trunk.
Maddox slid his guitar into the backseat and chewed on his bottom lip. He met my gaze, a little nervous. “Uh, about that . . .”
“What’s up? You feeling okay?”
He laughed. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t want to go home alone. I don’t want to be there alone. It’s a pretty big house.”
I know. I’ve seen it.
“And it’s not even that I don’t want to be alone, Roscoe,” he added. “I don’t want to be away from you. I’m not ready to leave you just yet. I dunno if I ever will be.” He took my hand. “Stay with me. At my house. It’s big enough. You can have your own room if you want. There’s like eight to pick from. But what we had here was good, right? Staying here together. And I know it won’t be like this all the time, but I want it anyway.”
I put his hand to my heart. “You want me to stay with you?”
“Yes. Live with me. Every day. We can cook and argue about laundry like normal couples. Or whatever they argue about. I’m sure we’ll find out.”
I laughed. “Well, when you put it like that . . .”
Maddox kissed me with smiling lips. “Is that a yes?”
I nodded, my heart two sizes too big for my chest. “That’s a resounding yes, Mr. Kershaw.”
Jeremy tossed his bag into their rental car. “Hey, dickbag, you ready to go back to the real world?”
Maddox sighed, though he was still smiling. Was he ready to go back and face everything? He looked at me and nodded. “Yeah, I’m ready.”