Something Unexpected by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 5
Nora
“I’VE NEVER GONE skinny dipping, you know…”
The following week, Louise and I were sitting on a beach in the Bahamas, watching the sunset. I sucked the rest of my piña colada through the paper straw and turned to her with a grin.
“We should fix that…”
My friend’s eyes widened. She looked around. There was only one other couple on the beach now. It seemed most people cleared out to shower and change for dinner before the best part of the day. “Let’s see if they leave soon.”
I shrugged. “Who cares if they see?”
“My body doesn’t look like yours, dear. I’m going to have to use one hand to keep my breasts from dragging in the sand, and the other to cover my hooha.”
“Why are you covering your hooha? We just got it buffed out. Show that thing off.”
Louise and I had gone for massages and a wax yesterday afternoon when we’d arrived. After, she’d told me it was the first experience she regretted so far.
“I’m like Bob Ross, better with a happy little bush.”
I laughed. “You want another drink?”
She held up her margarita glass. “If we’re stripping, you’d better tell that cute bartender I need a tequila floater on top.”
“You got it.”
I went to the bar and came back with two drinks, as well as two tequila shots. It looked like the last couple who had been watching the sunset were packing up to go.
“We’re going to have the beach to ourselves in a few minutes.” I handed Louise a shot. “I thought we could use these, too.”
She and I clinked shot glasses before knocking them back, then sat on the beach finishing our drinks until the sun ducked below the horizon.
“You ready?” I asked.
She stood. “You only live once.”
As we stripped out of our clothes, my camera fell from my bag. I picked it up and wiped off the sand. “I guess this is going to be the first activity I’m not recording for my blog.”
“Will you get shut down if you post something like this?”
“I don’t think so. Are you saying you want me to record it?”
“Maybe you can put some of those black bars over my nooks and crannies? But let’s film it. We’re trying to inspire other people not to sit home and wait for their last days to come. We told them we’d share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This will be the latter.”
I smiled. “Whatever you want.”
Once we were both undressed and I’d set up my camera on the beach chair, I held out my hand to Louise. “You ready?”
“I was born ready, and I’m gonna die the same way. Let’s go.”
We squealed when we entered the water. It wasn’t cold, but it hit the parts that were normally covered with a shock. Once we were neck deep, we floated on our backs.
“This feels incredible!” Louise exclaimed.
“I know. It’s so freeing.”
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but this might be my favorite thing we’ve done so far.”
I sighed. “Sometimes the simple things can be the most rewarding.”
“We should keep that in mind as we plan the rest of our itinerary. It doesn’t always have to be about things that scare the bejesus out of us.”
“You’d probably make your grandson happy if we had some activities that weren’t risking your life.”
“Oh, that’s true. Maybe we could not tell him about the more subdued activities. Otherwise he might think I listened to him about calming things down.”
I laughed. “God forbid.”
Louise and I floated for a long time, staring up at the stars. It made me feel free, yet at the same time, connected to the elements in a way I’d never been. When we started getting pruney, we decided it was time to get out. Except when we looked at the shore, we weren’t alone anymore.
I squinted. “Are those people at our chairs, or did we float down the beach?”
Louise covered her breasts as we moved closer to get a better look. “I think that girl is wearing my hat!”
Three teenagers, two girls and a boy, were rummaging through our shit. I yelled and pushed forward in the water as fast as I could. “Hey! That’s our stuff. Get away from there!”
One of the girls pointed to us, and the other two hoodlums scooped up everything we’d left on the chairs.
“Let’s go!” one yelled.
“No way,” the boy said. “I want to see their tits.”
The girl tugged at his arm. “Let’s go, you jerk! Or we’re gonna get in trouble.”
Before I could reach the shore, all three were running down the beach. About a hundred yards away, a jetty of rocks jutted out, which was what made the area where we were swimming so calm and private. The teens sprinted along the sand until they got to the rocks, then ran into the water, holding the clothes and bags they’d just stolen from us over their heads. I was a good fifty yards behind them, so once they turned the corner and got on the other side of the rocks, I lost sight of them.
Cursing, I dove back into the water and swam as fast as I could. I’d always been a solid swimmer, so I figured that would work better than trying to run in water that was chest deep. I maneuvered around the rocks, managing to hug close and not come up for air until I felt my knees hit the bottom on the other side. Then I climbed to my feet, ready to resume chasing the three asshole teenagers on foot.
Only, it wasn’t the three asshole teenagers I saw when I stood.
It was the bride.
Oh. My. God.
Please tell me I’m imagining this?
But I wasn’t. And I had no choice but to keep going now.
I stepped onto the sand.
The heads of fifty people wearing suits and dresses swung my way.
The steel drums playing screeched to a halt like a needle on a record.
Two large men wearing matching polos and dockers ran toward me. I was pretty sure they were security.
I had to make a split-second decision—turn and attempt to swim back around the rocks, or bolt and try to make a run for it on land. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the three teenagers exiting the water on the other side of the wedding. I guess they’d been smart enough to pay attention to what was going on before getting out. Since security didn’t have any clothes for me to wear and didn’t look too happy, I made a run for the teenagers.
“Sorry!” I yelled to the wedding guests. The people seated in chairs continued watching me instead of the ceremony. When I reached the bride and groom, I waved, buck-ass naked. “Congratulations!”
A little farther down the beach, a dozen round tables had been set up for what looked like the couple’s reception. Each had a basket of flowers in the middle, keeping the tablecloths blowing in the breeze anchored in place. I tugged one of the cloths out and wrapped it around my shoulders as I glanced back to check if security was still hot on my tail. Luckily, they’d stopped. One was bent over with his hands on his knees, while the other was barking into a walkie-talkie.
I was going to kick the asses of the little fuckers’ who stole our stuff, if I ever caught them.
Up ahead, the teenagers made a run for some stairs, so I kept going, though I fell more and more behind with each stride. My lungs were also starting to burn. When I reached the concrete landing at the resort, I looked right and left. The kids were nowhere to be found, but three more security guys were now coming toward me from the left, so I ran the other direction.
The tablecloth didn’t cover much as I sprinted, and the men chasing me were getting closer, so when I turned a corner and saw a door open, I ducked inside.
It looked like a supply closet, but I wasn’t about to turn on the light and find out. My hand shook as I felt around the door in the dark, trying to find a lock. Locating it, I twisted it right and leaned over in an attempt to catch my breath. Twenty seconds later, voices were right on the other side of the door, and someone turned the doorknob back and forth.
I slapped my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound of my breathing.
“She must’ve gone into the hotel through that entrance,” one of the men yelled. “There’s a bathroom before you get into the main lobby. She’s probably in there!”
I listened with my ear pressed against the door until I could no longer hear footsteps or voices. My heart rate slowed. I felt around on the wall for a light switch and flicked it on. As I’d suspected, I was in a supply closet. It had shelves filled with pool chemicals, cleaning supplies, and gardening equipment. Tucked away on the top shelf in one corner was a stack of black material. I yanked the pile down and was relieved to find what appeared to be uniform pants. Behind that was a pile of red fabric, which I couldn’t reach. But I pulled over a bucket of pool chemicals and stood on top of it.
Polos with the hotel logo embroidered on them. I closed my eyes. Thank God.
The pants were all a few sizes too big, so I yanked the hair tie from my hair and used it to gather the excess material of the pants and tie it into a knot. After, I tugged on a polo and grabbed an extra of each for Louise. Then I quietly unlocked the door and peeked outside. With the coast clear, I slipped out and power-walked back to the beach through the hotel grounds with my head down.
I’d just started to think maybe this naked nightmare was coming to an end when I arrived back at the entrance to the beach where I’d left Louise and found her with the police.
Crap. I ran down to the chairs we’d been using earlier. Louise sat wrapped in a blanket, while a cop stood with a flashlight shining in her face.
“What’s going on here?” I demanded. “Louise, are you okay?”
“They’re arresting me for lewd conduct.”
I looked at the cop. “Are you joking? Some kids stole our clothes, and you’re going to arrest her?”
He looked me up and down, zeroing in on the logo on my shirt. “Do you work here?”
Oh shit.“No. I had to borrow a uniform to walk back after chasing the brats who committed the real crime.”
“So you’re the one who streaked through the wedding?”
“Streaked? No. I had no idea they were even there. I didn’t do it intentionally. I tried to stay in the water, but—”
The other cop interrupted. “Ma’am, the wedding you just ran by naked? The father of the bride is the mayor of this island. He wants to press charges.” He lifted his chin. “I’d keep my mouth shut, unless you also want to be charged with stealing that uniform.”
“Stealing the uniform? I borrowed it because three teenagers stole our clothes. Why aren’t you chasing them?”
The first cop shrugged. “If you had kept your clothes on, like the law says you need to do here in the Bahamas, everyone would be happy right now.”
Louise pursed her lips. “I’m sure your wife would be happy if you kept your clothes on.”
Uh-oh. He’d pissed off Louise now.
The cop raised his brows. “Excuse me?”
“Clearly if you got laid once in a while, you’d be more relaxed about seeing a little skin.”
I closed my eyes. The chances of talking our way out of this were already slim, but that sealed the deal. A half hour later, we were being booked at the police station.
“What happens after you’re done filling out your report?” I asked one of the cops who’d brought us in. “Do we pay a fine or something?”
“You’ll see the Bahamas court magistrate. They’ll set your bail. Then we’ll bring you back here, and you can make a phone call to get someone to post whatever amount they assign. If no one comes…” He thumbed to a door without looking up from his computer. “You’ll spend the night down the hall in the holding tank.”
“But we can post it ourselves, right? Like with a credit card or something?”
“You can use your own money to post bail. But it gets posted down the road at the clerk’s office, so you can’t post it yourself. Someone will have to go in and do it for you.”
“We’re here by ourselves.”
The officer shrugged. “You can try your country’s embassy. But they’re not that fast, especially on a weekend.”
Over the next two hours, Louise and I were shuttled to appear before a night court judge and then brought back to the station. Bail was set at five-hundred dollars each. I called the US Embassy to see if they could help with posting bail, but the person who answered the phone said they’d reach out to someone and get back to me. They couldn’t tell me when. Then the policeman was kind enough to let us make a second call—one I did not want to make.
Louise phoned her grandson. I cringed to think about how he’d take the news. But she said he had business in the Bahamas and could probably find someone to help us.
In the meantime, they escorted me back to a packed holding cell. Women sat on the floor around most of the perimeter, while one older lady laid across the only bench in the cell. The group looked me up and down as the officer unlocked the door and guided me inside. None of them seemed very happy to see me. There was an open spot in one corner, but when I went to sit, the two women on either side shifted over, silently suggesting I find someplace else to park my ass. That happened twice before I figured out that the woman currently snoring couldn’t object, so I sat near her.
Twenty minutes went by before the guard came back with Louise.
“Hey.” I climbed to my feet from the floor. “You doing okay?”
She nodded. “Not my first time in the clinker. You?”
“Actually, it is.”
“Back in the sixties, I got arrested for dancing in a vulgar manner. I think today you young people would call it twerking.”
“Louise, are you telling me you can throw that ass back?”
“My best friend was from Egypt. She’s gone now. God rest her soul. But her mother taught her how to belly dance, and she taught me. Except I liked to shake my ass more than my belly.”
The woman hogging the entire bench all by herself suddenly sat up. She lifted her chin. “Let’s see.”
“That’s probably not a good idea,” I said.
“Sure it is.” Louise walked to the center of the cell. Most of the ladies sitting around were in various stages of passed out or asleep, but all open eyes shifted to the seventy-eight-year-old jailbird. Louise held her arms out and shook her hips back and forth. The police-issued orange jumpsuit she had on was baggy, but you could see she knew how to move.
“So this is what you start with when you’re belly dancing,” she explained. “You go side to side.” After thirty seconds or so, she stopped and widened her stance, leaning forward. “Now you do the same movement, except instead of side to side, you go front to rear.”
“Holy shit!” One of the ladies pointed and laughed. “Baby got back!”
I didn’t know why anything to do with Louise Aster surprised me anymore. But sure as shit, she thumped her butt up and down, putting even Miley Cyrus to shame.
When she was done, the packed cell hooted and hollered, and an officer came back, looking unhappy to have had to get up from his desk.
“What’s going on here?”
One of the ladies winked. “Just talking about you, Officer Burrows. You know seeing your handsome face makes us girls rowdy.”
He shook his head. “Yeah, well, keep it down.”
The woman fluttered her false eyelashes. “Yes, sir, Georgie Porgie, Pudding and Pie.”
Officer Burrows frowned but walked back out.
Fortunately, Louise’s dance recital seemed to have won us some new friends. The woman hogging the bench moved over and patted the seat next to her.
“Come sit here, big momma. Queens don’t sit on the floor.”
After that, the vibe in the holding cell changed. Even the snoring woman next to me woke up once Louise told everyone she’d been arrested for indecent exposure. Frieda, the bench hog, seemed almost in charge of the place, and the other ladies seemed to know it.
“What are you in for, Frieda?” Louise asked.
“I hosted a card game at my house.”
“It’s illegal to play cards in the Bahamas?”
“Not for you. But gambling is illegal for residents.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
She shrugged. “It is what it is. They usually leave me alone, but every once in a while, they shut me down when they need money for extra expenses in the department. They confiscate all the cash on the tables and don’t arrest any of my players. They know none of them will make a stink about their money going missing, so no one comes in to claim it, and the department gets to keep it after a while.”
I made friends with a young girl who had been brought in a few minutes after Louise. Our cellmates all called her Mad Dog, and I found out it was because she collected the island’s stray dogs. Mad Dog had recently lost her job, and she could no longer afford dog food. She’d been arrested for stealing kibble. Another woman had been arrested for breaking into a house. She’d suspected her husband was cheating and followed him, then broke in and caught him in the act. The other woman involved had insisted on pressing charges.
I had no idea how long we were in there, because there wasn’t a clock and the police had taken my watch, but it seemed like it had to be morning by the time a guard came back.
Officer Burrows unlocked the cell door. “Eleanor Sutton and Louise Aster, you’re free to go.”
I climbed to my feet. “Did the embassy post our bail?”
“Nope. Some rich dude with an attitude.”
Louise rolled her eyes. “Sounds like one of my grandson’s friends.”
However it had happened, I was thrilled to get out. Louise and I said goodbye to our newfound friends and were taken to the property room where we picked up what was left of our belongings. It seems the little thieves had dropped my thong and Louise’s phone. I wasn’t sure if the person who had posted our bail would also stop at the police station, but it turned out he had. And the man responsible did not look happy.
Louise stopped short as we entered the lobby. “Beck, what are you doing here?”
