A Most Improper Duchess by Alanna Lucas

Chapter Nine

The next day brought with it more chaos and uncertainty. Alexandra had been on tenterhooks waiting for their special salon and the opportunity to pose her questions to the ladies. Most of their usual guests remained after their regular salon, but they hadn’t yet begun their discussion for the afternoon when an unexpected visitor joined them.

“Lady Dorothy and Lady Nerissa have just arrived, Miss Grace,” Roger, Aunt Imogene’s butler, announced.

Alarms rang in Alexandra’s head. Lady Nerissa had never attended one of their salons before. Not even the proper one!

She knew.

Somehow, Lady Nerissa must have found out what transpired between her and Niall last night and had come to confront her.

“I didn’t think you would mind Lady Nerissa joining us today,” Lady Dorothy said as they entered. “She’s a dear friend and has quite the conundrum.”

Alexandra had completely forgotten the two were such good friends. Oh, how had life got so complicated?

“Good afternoon, Lady Nerissa,” she said with all the politeness she could muster through her guilt. Out of the corner of her eye, she spied Evelina’s concerned look. Both her sisters were far too perceptive for their own good. She knew there would be questions, but what was she to tell them? That she’d fallen in love with . . . ?

Oh, dear, I’m in love with Niall.

Pushing her rambling thoughts away, she turned her attention to their guest. “It is most pleasant of you to join us. I believe you’re acquainted with Miss Ashton and Miss Raine.”

As they settled into their seats, she could not help feeling anxious as nervous tension tightened the muscles in her neck. What if Lady Nerissa were here to accuse her of having feelings for Niall? How would she deny that?

Evelina must have sensed her uneasiness as she took control of the gathering. “We’re going to discuss—”

“I want to know more,” Lady Nerissa interrupted. And then she blurted out, “My engagement is to be announced in the coming week and whenever I’m near . . .” She paused for a moment then continued in a hushed tone, “him, I cannot utter two coherent words. I truly don’t know what to do! I cannot even imagine what I will be like once we marry and we’re alone!” She was practically in tears by the time she ended her rambling.

“Who are you engaged to?” Miss Ashton asked the question that was on everyone’s mind.

Well, everyone’s except Alexandra’s.

She’d known about the forced engagement for several years, ever since Niall had confessed his troubles to her one spring afternoon. He’d been upset after yet another argument about it with his mother, only that time, his elder sisters had also swarmed over him with pronouncements about what they believed to be best for his life. Alexandra remembered being amazed at his strength and fortitude to always do right for duty’s sake. She’d always admired his dedication to family, too.

She tried not to worry her lip as she waited for Lady Nerissa to answer. Was this when she would accuse Alexandra of stealing her beloved?

“I cannot say. We promised not to tell anyone until the time came, but I don’t know who to turn to. Lady Dorothy suggested I come here. I do want to be a good wife, but when I tell my mother my concerns, she just tells me it’s normal and to do my duty. But what does that mean?”

It seemed as if they all had the same questions and received the same results when they sought answers.

Alexandra knew she could not have a future with Niall, regardless of the kiss they’d shared, or how he’d stirred a desire within her that she hadn’t even known she possessed. And never mind how her heart was breaking and that all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. She could still ensure he had a happy future with Lady Nerissa. She had to put her feelings aside and help the other girl.

She forced the lump down in her throat, went to Lady Nerissa’s side, and soothed, “You needn’t worry. Although we are inexperienced as well, we have joined together to discover more about the intimacies between men and women. We may not have many answers yet, but we are friends. You are welcome to join us in our quest for knowledge.”

“Really?” Lady Nerissa sniffled several times. “His Gr . . . I mean he has often spoken highly of you and your sisters, and now I see why.”

It touched her heart to know Niall thought so well of them.

“What questions do you have? Perhaps we can answer a few,” Theodora said.

“I guess the most important at the moment is, how do you kiss a man?” Lady Nerissa clenched her hands anxiously. “We’ve had moments alone—well, not quite alone—but he’s never expressed any desire to want to kiss me. Perhaps he does not think me pretty or accomplished or—”

“Perhaps he is just being a gentleman.” Evelina was always the practical-minded one.

“I once spied one of our maids with a footman. His hands were all over her body, touching . . .” Lady Nerissa shook her head as if in shock at what she was saying. “He was not handsome, and yet, she was succumbing to his attentions. There has to be more than just someone’s appearance.”

The answering words poured from Alexandra’s mouth as if they were the most natural in the world. “It’s the way he makes you feel, as if you’re the only woman in the world he wants to be with at that moment. When his breath caresses your cheek and your pulse races as you wait in anticipation for the moment when his lips will finally meet yours. And then—”

Theodora’s excited interruption broke through the words she hadn’t realized she’d said out loud. “Alexandra Josephina Grace! Have you been kissed?”

She couldn’t very well tell them that she had kissed Niall just last night, especially not with his fiancée sitting in the same room. Her cheeks heated as she fumbled for words. “No . . . I . . . I overheard one of the debutantes at Lady Evans’ ball.”

She was most certain that neither of her sisters accepted her flimsy excuse, but the rest of the guests seemed satisfied with it, for the moment at least.

“I just knew coming here was the right decision,” Lady Nerissa announced with confident enthusiasm.

Alexandra was not surprised when, after all the ladies had departed, her sisters cornered her, wanting information.

“Now that we’re alone, are you going to tell us who you kissed?” Theodora practically begged.

“No.”

“So, you have been kissed,” Evelina stated.

She could not keep denying what had happened between her and Niall. Her sisters would work it out on their own sooner or later, probably sooner. She sucked in her breath, then attempted to pacify them for the time being. “I can neither confirm nor deny any such thing occurred—”

“Alexandra,” Theodora enunciated every syllable of her name with a firm scold. “You’re nigh impossible at times.”

She shook her head, about to argue, when Evelina chimed in, “Then at least tell us who Lady Nerissa was referring to?”

She hedged. “If the rumors are to be believed—”

“We’ve heard the rumors, too.” Evelina pointed to herself and Theodora. “And, I do not believe for one moment they have formed a tendre for each other.”

Her sisters were relentless this afternoon. She was not prepared to tell them all she knew. Niall had confided in her years ago, and she’d promised to never reveal his family’s scheme to marry him off to the daughter of a friend. She knew she could trust her sisters and she truly detested lying to them, but she’d made that vow to Niall.

So caught up in her own musings was she that she did not notice the intense stares from both her sisters. Words swirled through her mind, but none reached her lips.

“When you’re ready to talk, we’re here for you,” Theodora said as both her sisters took her in an embrace.

Alexandra knew the time was quickly approaching when Niall’s engagement to Lady Nerissa would be announced and she would need her sisters then, more than she ever had, she suspected, if the current ache weighing her down was any indication.

*

Ever since thekiss, things had been awkward between herself and Niall. She’d seen him at a few events, but neither of them had seemed able to keep eye contact. Talking to one another was impossible. And yet, he always seemed to be nearby.

Alexandra’s heart sank, its lining cracking a little more with each passing day and the knowledge that soon he would be engaged to another. She missed him. She missed the casual flow of conversation they’d once shared, and worse, she desperately missed the feel of his lips on hers.

She was certain that tonight would hold more of the same: unstimulating dinner conversation with someone she was forced to sit next to, awkward glances from across the table, men imbibing brandy and rowdy conversation while the women discussed the latest on dits. It was all too ordinary and exhausting. She longed for the country, for dinner amongst friends filled with conversation about art and architecture. There were no pretenses, no ulterior motives, just good companionship.

By the time the hour came, and she and her family entered Lady Pynes’s drawing room, Alexandra was already eager to return to her aunt’s home. Her head was aching, and her stomach was churning for reasons she could not—or would not—name.

Theodora and Evelina mumbled something about talking to someone, then took their leave, leaving her to stand awkwardly next to her aunt, who was completely engrossed in conversation with Lady Archibald.

She edged away from her relative and moved toward the elegant harp standing sentinel at the far end of the large drawing room. It was a beautiful instrument, and the only thing she looked forward to this evening was listening to Lady Carol, Lady Pynes’s daughter, play. Even with her back toward the entry, her body knew the moment Niall entered. She desperately wanted to go to him, to confide her feelings, to . . .

Stop. You must stop thinking about him.

A short time later, dinner was announced and progressed like clockwork. All the while, Niall kept glancing her way, unsettling her nerves and setting her pulse aflame. Oh, why did her heart have to reveal itself when there was nothing that could be done about it? She was thankful that Lady Nerissa was not present this evening. Seeing them together would have surely done her in.

By the time the men rejoined the ladies after their brandy, and everyone gathered to listen to Lady Carol play, Alexandra’s nerves were completely raw. Although she did not want to miss the performance, she needed a moment to regain her composure.

With the guests already assembled in the drawing room, she was able to make a quiet escape. She’d visited Lady Carol on several occasions and knew the day parlor was just along the hallway.

Minutes later, she was alone, the chilly space cooling her heated face. She went to the window and pulled back one curtain just enough to allow a stream of moonlight to enter. She glanced upwards at the full moon, hypnotized by its beauty.

“I was hoping to find you alone,” Niall’s voice swept through the room, reaching her heart. She slowly turned around, preparing her words, then she noticed his slumped shoulders and sad features. Before she could ask what the matter was, he spoke, “I wanted to apologize for the other night. I should not have . . .” He seemed to struggle with his words. “I never meant—”

“I know,” she said. It had been the most glorious, but also the worst, moment of her life, for she’d discovered just how much she loved him, and yet she could never express those feelings.

They stood, frozen, a dozen feet apart. It might as well have been an ocean.

“I should return—”

“What promise did you make to my father?” This would probably be the only opportunity she would ever have to ask him. Once he was married, he would be out of her life forever. A fierce pain struck her heart. She swallowed hard, hoping to ease the ache.

He pushed his spectacles further up his nose. “That I would protect you and your sisters.”

It seemed a simple enough promise, but why hadn’t Papa made that request of their brother, or had he already lost faith in Harold?

“When?”

“Alexandra, it may be too painful—”

“I want to know.” It didn’t matter if it was too painful, this very moment was already just that. She wanted to know the truth.

He took a step closer but did not close the distance. “It was in the early days of his illness. I happened across your father while on my early morning ride. I was surprised to see him on foot and so far from Charis Hall. He didn’t seem himself, so I offered to walk with him to the house.” He paused for a moment, watching Alexandra, as if ensuring she was all right.

She offered a reassuring nod. “I think I remember that morning. Theodora was beside herself with worry because he couldn’t be found. After that day, she decided he needed companionship during the night and stated that she would watch over him during those dark hours, wandering the halls with him, comforting him.” Up until his dying day, her dearest papa always had something to say. “What did you talk about?”

“You and your sisters. He was worried about who would watch over his three precious girls when he met your mother in heaven.”

Tears stung her eyes as the words were absorbed into her heart. For as long as she could remember, Papa always called her and her sisters his precious girls. Oh, how she wished she could hear that sweet endearment from him just one more time. Then something dawned on her. “Did he not believe Harold would take his brotherly duties seriously?”

Niall shook his head and let out a long sigh. “He didn’t remember he had a son.”

“Oh,” she whispered. She hadn’t realized that his mind had slipped quite so much in those early days. It had been heartbreaking to watch him lose his memory. She looked at Niall. “So, he asked you to protect us?”

“No,” he said as he started to move closer, then stopped. “I told him it would be an honor to watch over his precious girls.”

“And you always have,” she said with all the love she felt but could not express. Niall had always been there for her and her sisters, regardless of their escapades.

“And I always will.” He took another step closer, and she realized he was struggling with the same thoughts she was. There was so much they wanted to say but were not at liberty to speak of. “I have cherished every minute of our friendship.”

“I have too.” She wanted nothing more than to rush into his arms, be held by him, be kissed by him. “I have no regrets about the other night.” She would always have that one perfect kiss.

“I—”

The sound of applause drifted in from the corridor, breaking the moment.

He sucked in his breath as he took a step back. “I should go.”

And once again, he walked out of her life.