The Mix-Up by Holly McCulloch
CHAPTER 37
I’m blindly hoping that Noah is both working today and is also in the ENT department. It was a Wednesday last time I ran into him here, so I figure there is a half-decent chance he will be here again.
If I can ever find the ENT department.
I wonder what the statistics are for people getting lost in hospitals.
After the third wrong turn, I finally see a sign pointing me to where I need to go. I slow down, trying to catch my breath so that if I do see him, I can actually manage to speak.
As I reach a turn in the corridor, I think I can hear his voice. I peek around slowly.
It’s him.
I walk on a bit further, but then I freeze.
I haven’t thought through what I am going to say. I haven’t thought through how devastating it would be if he rejected me. He has a very strong case. He probably should reject me.
He looks like he is about to turn around, so I hide behind the watercooler, narrowly miss knocking it over, and only peek out long enough to see him walking away. His stride is significantly longer than mine, so I struggle to keep up.
We weave our way through the hospital, and as we go, I keep losing distance. Somehow, he manages to avoid all oncoming traffic. He navigates around people with ease. Totally unlike me. Instead I hit into every shoulder that I pass. Once I even manage to clip someone at just the wrong angle and am forced into a spin.
I look down at my watch. I have just over five minutes before I need to be back at Dr Levenson’s office. I need to do this now otherwise I will run out of time.
I start to half run. It doesn’t seem to make a difference.
I’m forced to change tack.
‘Noah!’ I shout his name down the corridor. Just as I feared, I sound embarrassingly out of breath. He doesn’t break his stride. He hasn’t heard me. The corridor empties a little and so I shout his name again. ‘Noah!’ This time I am a little louder.
He stops and spins around.
His eyes land on me.
‘Paige?’
He smiles and my heart skips a couple of beats. One for the smile itself, and one for the hope of what that smile means. I try not to read too much into it, but it’s hard not to.
‘What are you doing?’
Now is my moment.
Fuck. I don’t know what to say.
In a rare moment of courage brought on by having everything to lose, I walk over to him. I’m so determined that I trip slightly on his shoe.
Luckily, he catches me, again, but quickly lets go.
He looks as though he is about to say something, but I cut him off and blurt out, ‘I’m sorry. Noah, I am so sorry.’
He inhales and using his hand, asks for just one moment. I don’t let him have it. I cover his hand with my own and continue talking.
‘No. Let me say this. I need to say this.’ I inhale and exhale. ‘I’ve been an absolute shithead and you have every right to hate me, but I’m here to tell you that I hope you don’t, because I really, really, don’t hate you. And I want you to know that I lied. It was a lie when I said that I didn’t want you, that I didn’t want this.’ I look down. ‘Well, actually I don’t want this’ – I point to my left boob – ‘but I do want this.’ I gesture between the two of us. ‘I don’t want to be going through this, but if I have to’ – no matter how selfish it sounds and how scary it is – ‘I would prefer it if you were here. Next to me.’ This is the crux of my argument. ‘For all of it.’ The good times and the bad. In sickness and, hopefully, in health. ‘Only if you want to be, of course.’
I look at Noah, but then I see the clock that is hanging on the wall just behind his head. I’m cutting this very, very fine. The only way I’ll be able to find Dr Levenson’s office is if we retrace our steps, so this is what I plan to do. ‘I will explain more later. But right now, I need to get to my appointment.’ I inhale, anxious to know what his reply to my next question will be. ‘Come with me?’ I gently tug his arm and lead him back the way we came.
He doesn’t move.
‘Paige, no. Stop.’
Shit.
I let go of his hand, but I don’t stop looking at him. I inhale, shakily.
‘I really messed things up, huh?’
‘You really did.’ My heart breaks. ‘And to be honest, you kinda still are.’
I can feel tears forming. Having cried a lot in recent days, I know when they are coming.
But then, he turns slightly and points behind him.
With all the corridors and hitting into people, I had failed to realize where we were. We are outside Dr Levenson’s office. He was coming to check up on me.
I look up at him. He’s smiling.
‘Wha—’
He takes hold of my hands. ‘Paige, you have been an absolute shithead, but I’m not going to let you do this alone.’ He pulls me to him and this time, instead of pushing him away, I hold on tight. I plan on never letting go.