Waiting on the Rain by Claudia Connor

18

“I’m going to hit the ladies’ room,” Ava said after they’d played another round.

“I could use the little boys’ room,” Luke said. “I’ll walk you.”

Ava finished drying her hands and pushed against the swinging door. When she didn’t immediately hear Luke, she stopped. With Luke guiding her, she hadn’t brought her cane. Maybe he was still in the men’s room. She turned toward the sound of the open restaurant to her left and took a step.

She liked him. She liked him a lot. And there was no point pretending she wasn’t wondering what it would be like to have his big, work-hardened hands on her again. Maybe this time minus the clothes.

“It’s good to see you, too,” she heard Luke say.

Then a woman’s voice. “I’m so lucky we ran into each other. I have a bone to pick with you.”

“Oh, really? What’s that?”

“We haven’t had our date yet.”

“Oh. I guess I’ve been busy. Lot of work on the cabin.”

“Oh, I know. But it’s been over a week since you promised me dinner.”

A week didn’t seem that long, but from the tone of the woman’s voice she really wanted that date. And a week? That was after she and Luke had gone riding. She felt a little stab of disappointment, and shoved it away.

Ava took another step. The voices were coming from just outside the bathroom area to the right. They must be around the corner. Surely Luke wouldn’t leave her standing there if he saw her.

“How’s Newman?” the woman asked.

“Good.”

Ah. The donated horse Hannah had mentioned. She tried to imagine what this woman looked like. She’d started doing that a lot since Blake. How could she not?

Looks didn’t matter much to a blind person. But as soon as Blake could see her, he’d decide he wanted to be with someone else. Was it what he saw when he looked at her? Or was it what he saw when he looked at someone else?

The memory of it burned in her gut, in her eyes.

“Ava.”

She blinked at the sound of Luke saying her name.

“Ava this is Catherine. Catherine, Ava.”

“Oh, well. It was good to see you, Luke. I’m sure I’ll see you again,” she said, all but purring.

Luke touched Ava’s arm. “Ready for another round?”

“You know, I think I’m ready to go.”

A beat of silence followed before he said, “Yeah. Okay.”

In the carthey mostly rehashed the darts competition, the men coming out the winners but just barely. Luke had the radio on a country station and a man was singing about getting a girl’s name and number.

She hadn’t expected the feeling she’d gotten hearing Luke talk to a Catherine. That stomach ache, homesick kind of feeling. And it wasn’t Luke’s fault, not at all. But she didn’t like it and she didn’t want to feel it. Not ever again.

“Thanks for dinner,” she said as Luke came to a stop in front of her house, put his truck in park, and turned off the engine. “You don’t have to walk me in.”

“I do. And I will. But that’s not why I stopped.” He reached over, slid his hand around hers. “Figured it’d be better to do this here than on your father’s doorstep.”

Before she could react, his mouth was on hers. Warm and smooth. His tongue eased her lips apart. His hands cradled the back of her neck, then slid slowly up and into her hair.

She was breathless and lightheaded when they broke apart and as she fought to catch her breath she recognized the feeling beating through her. It was fear. Fear she could fall for him if she gave him the slightest chance.

She couldn’t go through that again. Couldn’t be sitting in a restaurant listening to her husband talk to a waitress or a friend or a colleague and not wonder if there was more going on. Because she’d known Emily. The three of them had run into each other numerous times in the UN building. How many shared looks had there been between them that she hadn’t seen?

How much yearning and regret that Blake was already married, that he had to go home with his blind wife at the end of the day?

As much as she liked Luke, wanted him, she couldn’t do it. Couldn’t be with a man and wonder, not with Luke, not with anyone. She’d rather be alone with the empty space than have it filled and then ripped out.

She put both hands to his chest and retreated until her back touched the passenger door. “I had fun,” she said.

“Me, too,” Luke said. “Especially since we won.”

“Mmm. You guys got lucky.” She turned her face from his to the front windshield.

“Why do I get the feeling you’re upset about more than the darts game?”

“What? I’m not upset.”

“Come on, Ava. I haven’t known you long, but you suck at hiding it. You went from calling for a rematch to wanting to go home in five minutes.”

“Okay.” She drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“Can’t do what?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” And she felt like an idiot for even thinking they were at a point that she needed to put the brakes on. There was nothing to put the brakes on.

“No. Not nothing. What can’t you do and why? Kiss me in my truck? Go to dinner?”

She didn’t want to get into it, but she owed him an explanation. Still, she couldn’t, just couldn’t force herself to say that she didn’t know if he was looking at another woman. Not just looking, but wanting.

And what if he was? She wasn’t here long term, they weren’t exclusive. And that wasn’t the point.

“This.” She motioned between them. “I’m sorry. I like you, a lot. But this can’t go anywhere, not really. And I’m not saying you want it to go anywhere. I’m not saying that at all. I just… We have fun together. I have fun,” she corrected. She wouldn’t assume his feelings. “And we’re friends. In a lot of ways I feel like we get each other, but…” She drew in a nervous breath.

God, she wished she knew what he was thinking. “Are you still awake? Have I talked you into a coma?”

“Still awake. Not in a coma.”Was she kidding, Luke thought? Like he could go to sleep when he was near her. He could barely blink. He sighed and she winced, obviously feeling his frustration from two feet away.

“You know, the first night I met you I thought you were a straight shooter. I thought, this is a woman who doesn’t play games.”

“I am. I—”

“Then tell me why the sudden change.”

“You have a date planned. Which is fine,” she added quickly. “It just gave me a weird feeling and more, it reminded me that I’m not going to be here long so this thing really doesn’t have anywhere to go, you know?”

“Well, one, I don’t have a date planned, and two, we don’t have to map the whole thing out, do we? I like you. I think you like me. I like spending time with you.”

“I do like you. And okay, now I feel stupid and I hate feeling stupid. I really do.”

“I can understand that, but you shouldn’t.” And maybe he should just say, okay. Agree with her that this wasn’t really going anywhere and cut his losses, but he couldn’t seem do it. He’d known her a handful of weeks. She was leaving in a handful more. But… “Is it that you don’t trust me?”

“It’s not about trust. It’s really not. It’s my problem. Call it a hang up, call it whatever you want, but it’s there. You’re a temptation,” she said, and followed it with a stiff laugh. “You absolutely are. But maybe we should just be friends, given my hang ups. That’s probably for the best, right?”

He wanted to say no, not right. Not by a long shot. He almost did. But all the sudden there were tears gathering on her lashes and she was trying like hell not to let them show. That told him that whatever or whoever had caused her hang up, had done a real number on her.

“Sure,” he said, and leaned in, cupped her cheek in his hand and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. “We can be friends. I’d say we already are.”

And call it perseverance or stubbornness, but he wasn’t agreeing to anything just yet. They could be friends. But not just.

Ava heldonto Luke’s bicep as he walked her to the door. His other hand, big and warm, covered hers. She was shaking and hoped like hell he couldn’t feel it. It was bad enough she’d almost cried in front of him. Her emotions were all over the place.

“Goodnight,” he said at the door. “Thanks for going.”

“Sure,” she said softly, and managed to get inside the house before the tears came. She let herself have a moment to flush out this emotional overload, then roughly rubbed the tears away. It was stupid to cry over a man she hardly knew and she’d had enough stupid for one night. She’d call Maddie, eat some ice cream.

Thankful the house was quiet she grabbed some ice cream and went to her room, closing the door softly behind her. The last thing she wanted was her mom coming in asking her thirty–one-year-old divorced daughter how her date was.

She’d put on a movie, one she’d watched a hundred times with her friend. She grabbed the quart sized container she’d placed in the bottom right corner. Prying off the top, she dug in with her spoon and nearly gagged when she got a mouthful of lime sorbet instead of the Rocky Road she’d expected.

She hated lime anything and spit the bite into the kitchen sink. Time to add braille to the ice cream, she thought with a sigh. Eventually she found her ice cream and took it and a spoon to her room.

When she was settled on the bed, she directed Siri to call Maddie.

“Hey.”

“Hey. What’s up?”

She sighed. “Nothing. Eating ice cream.”

“Oh, boy. Bowl or container?”

“Container. But there’s not that much left.”

“Mmm hmm. Hang on. I’ll get mine. You know it’s pathetic of you to even try to hide it. Just tell me.”

Ava sighed again and gave her friend the long and entirely too detailed version, adding in how idiotic she felt and going all the way back to their almost kiss in the tack room and their ride in the woods.

“I can’t explain it really. He’s such a guy, you know? A former Army Ranger. This is a guy who has hunted down terrorists in the middle of the night and, like, seized airfields. He could probably live in the woods for a month with nothing but a pocket knife and have a log home built by day three.”

“Hot,” Maddie said around a mouthful of ice cream.

“But there’s more to him than that. We talk and he makes me feel… I don’t know. Admired. Perfectly able and at the same time he goes out of his way to make things easier for me.”

“Sigh.”

“Yeah.” And when she was with him, she wanted to lean on him. Wanted to have him hold her hand through a crowd or serve up nachos. And in a space jammed with people and noise she’d always been keenly aware of Luke. “I like being around him but…”

“But what?”

But she wasn’t so sure she wouldn’t fall for Luke, regardless of time.

“You’re afraid. Understandable.”

“No, I just don’t think I’m ready.”

“Same thing isn’t it? And damn it, I’m out of ice cream. And mine wasn’t almost empty. That was your fault.”

Ava smiled. “I miss you.”

“Miss you more.” A moment passed. “Have you heard about the job?”

“No.”

“Would I be a bitch if I admitted I’d rather you stay in New York?”

“No. You wouldn’t be. I’d feel the same way about you. Just don’t talk to Rick and Nancy.”

“Oh, shit. You told your parents?”

“It slipped out and they reacted about like you’d expect. My brother is being all big brother on me.”

“Damn him.”

“Luke’s the only person that seems remotely interested or excited.”

“Luke doesn’t love you like we do. He won’t miss you like we will.”

“True.” And she felt a painful skip in her chest at the absolute truth of that. Her parents would worry and make her feel guilty. Her brother would be fine after he gave her some grief. Her best friend would miss her, but Maddie had a huge network of friends and a demanding job. And… that was all.

There was no one who couldn’t live without her. No one she couldn’t live without. She should be glad about that.