Sleet Banshee by S.J. Tilly
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
MEGHAN
Dear Diary,
What is wrong with me?! How could I let this happen? We were in a club. I knew that! And I still left Izzy. Girl code. Never go anywhere alone.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
If I’d been there. If I hadn’t followed Sebastian out back like a horny puppy, I would’ve been there with her. I would’ve walked with her to the bathroom. I could’ve helped her fend off that piece of shit guy. Me being there might’ve been enough to keep him away. Creeps like that like to prey on lone targets. If I’d been there, she wouldn’t have gotten hit.
Hit! Who the fuck gets hit? Like in real life, by a stranger?!
And if I’d prevented her from being hit, then Zach wouldn’t have been arrested.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I’m the worst friend ever.
I wanted to stay at her house tonight, but she said no. I wanted to take care of her. Cook for her. Something. But I get it. She wants to be alone. Or maybe she just doesn’t want to see me. I would get that, too. Even I don’t want to see me.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt worse. Which is a bit of bitter karmic irony, because sex with Sebastian… I don’t think I’ve ever felt better.
But clearly this is a message. The universe is telling me to stay the hell away from Sebastian. And I might not have many rules, but I listen to the universe.
No more Sebastian.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day.
XoxoX
-
Dear Diary,
Yet again, what is wrong with me? It’s been 2 weeks since the alley/fuck/bar-fight incident, and I still feel like shit. More precisely, I feel heartbroken.
I know. What the fuck am I talking about?! I wasn’t even dating Sebastian. I sure as Hell wasn’t in love with him. So why should I feel like I’ve been through the worst breakup ever? It doesn’t make sense.
He called me last weekend. I just stared at my phone until it stopped ringing, finally deciding I’d listen to his voicemail and go from there. Feel out his tone. Call him back if it felt right.
But he didn’t leave a voicemail. He just hung up. And he hasn’t called back since.
I should be grateful. It made my decision easy. But instead, it felt like an extra kick to the heart.
The salt in the wound… I never told any of my friends about him. I can’t very well tell them I’m suffering from a broken heart, without telling them about the man himself. And if I tell them now, then I’d have to tell them everything. And everything would include how I was fucking Sebastian while Izzy was getting hit in the face and Zach was getting arrested. Sure, everyone’s fine now, but it was still an awful experience all around. Every time I think of that night, I first see myself pinned against the wall, having the best orgasm of my life, then I see the bruise on Izzy’s face. Talk about a mind fuck.
I have got to find a way to shake this shit.
XoxoX
-
Dear Diary,
I’m messed up. A sadist. A crazy ass bitch.
The girls went to a Sleet game tonight. They invited me, and I turned them down.
No, that’s not entirely true. I lied. I lied to my best friends. I told them I had a work event tonight. Which isn’t true at all. I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t chance running into Sebastian. I couldn’t chance him seeing me in the crowd. I know he probably wouldn’t see me. But what if he did? Would he think I was there for him? Pining over him?
Gah! Look at me, I just lied to my fucking diary! I didn’t skip the game because of him. I skipped because of me. Because I am pining over him. How? Why? WTF? His dick isn’t made of gold. Yeah, it was nice. Big, thick, and talented. Okay, his dick is basically gold, but so what? Is that really what this is? Am I just hung up on the physical chemistry between us? We only fucked once. Once! I’m acting like a goddamn Hallmark movie heroine.
Nope. Fuck all that.
I just need a new dick. Silver will do. Hell, I’d even be happy taking home the bronze. That’s it. That’s what I need.
And I need to stop watching his games. I may have ditched the girls, but I still sat at home in my sweats and watched the game. I sat there, chewing my fingernails in nervousness and cheering alone in my apartment at every save.
I suck so bad.
XoxoX
-
Dear Diary,
Welp, that was a new low for me. And you know me well enough to know that that’s saying something.
I did it, I swiped. I found some tool to go out with tonight. He was cute. Maybe better than cute. And he was nice. Sorta funny. Not like enough to make me laugh but enough to make me smile. He was fine. He was totally fine.
And yet… When the date ended, I didn’t even give him a chance to ask me to come over. Nope. You want to know what I did? As we put on our jackets and stepped out of the bar, I blurted out “I have a urinary tract infection!” He, of course, looked at me like I was a fucking lunatic. So I followed it up with “Sorry. Thanks for the drinks. Bye.” And then I walked to my car.
Who does that?!? A crazy person, that’s who.
I could’ve turned him down like a normal person. Or I could’ve just waited, since I was acting weird all night so he probably wouldn’t have even asked me. But no, I had to blurt out the queasiest vagina thing I could think of without giving myself a fake STD.
Why did I do this? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m the biggest fool alive. Because the TVs in the bar were all set to the Sleet game. Because I couldn’t stop watching the game. Because I couldn’t stop reliving all my moments with Sebastian. Because my mind wouldn’t stop comparing New Guy to Sebastian. Because there is no comparison.
I tried. But riding a non-Sebastian dick isn’t in the cards yet.
New tactic. No dicks. At all.
XoxoX
-
Dear Diary,
OMIGOD, whose brilliant idea was this dick drought???
It’s been over 2 months since I’ve had a man-made orgasm. Er, well, like a literally man-made orgasm. Because Mr. Vibey has been putting in overtime, but it’s not the same. Not the same at all. But you know what it is doing? It’s making me into a royally-wicked bitch.
The girls are starting to notice. Or well, they’re past noticing and they’re starting to ask me if I’m okay. And it’s fair because I’ve been… what? Down? Cranky? Dick-deprived? Depressed?
I mean what the fuck?! I slept with Sebastian once! 2 months ago! Why am I like this? Why is he still affecting me?
I haven’t gone to a game with the girls since the one where Sebastian and I had that tiff in the locker hallway. And my new behavior is past obvious; I used to salivate at the chance to go.
And by not going to the games I’m missing out on much needed girl time. Katelyn’s busy with Jackson. Izzy’s busy being totally in love with Zach. Steph's busy with her own life, and games were the only time I really ever saw her. So by avoiding Sebastian, I’ve unintentionally forced myself into solitary confinement. I put on my best face when I see them, but I’m pretty sure they’ll be staging an intervention soon.
I could pretend to be in a new relationship, act like that’s what’s taking up all of my time. But a new relationship should put me in a happy mood. Not a pile-of-bullshit mood. Instead, I pretend I’m swamped with work. It’s not a total lie. Since I have extra time, I have thrown myself into work. I’ve grabbed up a few new events, but mostly I’ve been super focused on making the upcoming Calligraphy Convention off the chain. No detail is too small. No amount of overtime is unreasonable. It’s still a month away, but I have plenty to do.
Once I wrap this project up, I’ll find a new way to deal. Maybe I’ll tell the girls everything. Maybe that will help.
XoxoX
-
Dear Diary,
I finally cracked and spilled last week.
I was at home for a family dinner and when the parents went to bed, my brothers got me drunk. They knew something was wrong. They’re idiots, but they can occasionally be clever. So they waited until we were well into drunk territory before the oldest asked who’s the dead man who broke your heart?
I started to laugh, and then - to everyone’s horror - I started to cry.
I tried to brush it off, but they weren’t having it. My brothers might be giant dickholes sometimes, but they’re also over-protective to a fault. Doesn’t even matter that we are all in our 30’s.
I did my best to keep things vague. They definitely don’t want to hear details about my sexy life.
After yet another round of shots, my little brother pestered me for a name. Not really sure why, since - under normal circumstances - they’d never know the guy. But my life is not normal. And my little brother, who used to be a goalie, was questioning me while wearing a, I shit you not, Sebastian LeBlanc jersey. So my drunk-ass sighed and pointed at him. My equally drunk brother nearly shouted “you’re in love with me?” with the most horrified look on his face.
And then I proceeded to fall off the couch. I was laughing so hard. Idiot. Once everyone’s laughter faded, I jabbed my finger at the number on his jersey. “Him. Sebastian.” When I was met with silence I clarified. “Ash.”
It was almost comical how all their jaws dropped open. Since I have friends who are dating/engaged to Sleet players my statement was believable, so I didn’t have to deal with any doubt.
Instead, their shock wore off all at once and they bombarded me with questions. I chose to ignore them all. Luckily “you’re in love with Ash LeBlanc?” was drowned out by “holy shit, our sister banged Ash!”.
What a bunch of morons.
But I have to say. It feels good to get it off my chest. Putting it out there makes it feel like it really happened. It being our short lived secret frenemy relationship.
I can’t explain why 3 months later I’m still hung up on Sebastian. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about it because I’m afraid my brother is right. I’m afraid that, at least a small part of my heart, fell for him. But it’s time to move on. I’m sure he has.
XoxoX
-
Dear Diary,
Holy shit I need to get laid!
At the Calligraphy Convention tonight, I was doing my typical rounds when one of the founders came over to dole out his praises. (Which were totally deserved.) But while he was talking to me he set his hand on my back, and I felt myself leaning into his embrace. This is not okay for a couple of reasons. First, I was there in a professional capacity. Secondly, he looked like fucking Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.
Yikes.
But I’m home now. My big project is all wrapped. And I’m moving on to attempt 3 of bleaching Sebastian from my brain.
Tomorrow night I’m turning a new page. A new outlook. A new Sebastian-free existence. Katelyn and Jackson are finally having an engagement dinner. To be fair, they had one a year ago when they first moved in together, but I'm guessing they finally set a date.
I’ll get to see all my friends. I’ll be the old me again. It’ll be fun.
XoxoX
