Forever by Janie Crouch

Chapter Sixteen

Ethan

The first thingI did was check out the car to make sure we were alone. It was a freight car, and I wasn’t expecting any company, but we may not be the only people who saw the train as a free means of travel.

But we were alone.

I sat back down next to Jess near the rear of the car next to some crates. For a long time, we didn’t move. We were both breathing heavily after our frantic run, but we had made it.

It didn’t take long to get damned cold once we weren’t moving anymore. We sat together, leaning against the wall of the car as far from the door as we could so less freezing air would leak in. Jess rested her head on my shoulder, and I held her close.

I wished that we were anywhere else—that this was something we were doing when we were calmly on vacation and not running for our lives. But given the circumstances, I would take what I could get.

We were alive, we were relatively safe, and Jess wasn’t a traitor.

I’d never believed she was, but hearing her tell me what had happened—including why she’d been flirting with Russell—finally eased the weight that had been sitting on my chest.

Yes, she’d gotten herself in trouble, but not because she’d done something bad, but because she’d been trying to do something good. That was just who she was.

I dozed with her next to me. This was the first time I’d felt safe enough to truly relax. No one was going to come into the car unnoticed—not if they had to pull the car door open. And with Jess’s warmth . . .

It must have been a couple hours when her voice had me on high alert. I startled awake, ready to jump, but Jess held me back.

“It’s fine,” she said. “Nothing’s wrong.”

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. “Sorry.”

She shook her head. “Don’t apologize. I’m glad you’re ready.”

Relaxing against the wall again, I slipped my arm back around her. Jess’s voice was soft against the noise of the train car, but this close, I could still hear her.

“When I was alone in that room, hurt and chained . . . all I could think about was how I wanted you there. I wanted you to come and rescue me.” She paused. “And then you showed up.”

“I will always show up. Every single time.” And I meant it. Whether she wanted me to or not.

Suddenly, she seemed too far away despite being next to each other. I slipped both arms around her and lifted her so she was sitting on my lap. She cuddled against me, her hand resting on my chest, over my heart.

We both relaxed as if we were finally where we belonged.

“I don’t understand how she could do this,” Jess whispered.

“Alena?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was full of sadness. “And I don’t know how I didn’t see it.”

“She’s a good actress. Clearly.”

“But why? Money? She betrayed everything we’ve worked so hard for. Betrayed our country.” The next words were even quieter. “Betrayed me. Why?”

I tightened my arms around her. “I don’t know.”

“Months. I’ve spent months trying to track who wanted to steal the research. I looked at Alena peripherally, but obviously not close enough. How could I have been so stupid?”

I tucked her head under my chin. “You know you’re not stupid. You trusted her. You weren’t looking for her connection.”

“But I still should have seen it.”

I stroked my hand down her beautiful blonde hair, loving, as always, the feel of strands on my fingers. “You’re one person, Jess. You don’t have to carry the weight of this all on your own.”

“I just—”

“She was in your blind spot.” I slipped my hand behind her neck. “Because she’s your friend. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Look where we are, Ethan. If I had paid more attention, none of this would have happened.”

I reached my arm under her knees and lifted, so she was forced to put the weight of her torso completely on my other arm. I had her semi-helpless and could see her face. “You’re a beautiful, trusting soul, and you were betrayed.”

In the dim light, her eyes teared. “I should have known something was wrong. I should have—I don’t know, been more careful when choosing friends. It was a stupid mistake, one that could have gotten people killed.”

“You didn’t. What Alena did is not your responsibility. You’re not the one who sold her friends out. You’re not the one who told them where we could be captured a second time.” I pulled her forehead against mine. “It’s never a mistake to love someone. And the way you love, Jess—”

I hadn’t wanted to get into all of our emotional entanglements until we were safe, but I couldn’t stop myself. Didn’t want to stop myself.

Having her in my arms, those lips just inches from mine, that silky hair covering my hand . . . I fisted it and was instantly hard, thinking of times I’d fisted it before.

No more distance.

“Your love is like a damn solar flare. When you love, it’s bright and warm and complete. And I don’t ever want you to lose that. I don’t want to lose it. Tell me I still have your love.”

“You do. Always. Forever. You—”

I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. Pulling her lips to mine, I kissed her. It was everything I had missed. Glorious and warm and exactly like stepping into the sunlight.

She gasped against my lips, and I pulled her closer, my tongue invading her mouth. There couldn’t be any space between us. Not now. I wasn’t going to wait longer when I could finally feel her like this.

I kissed her until we were both breathless and she squirmed against me. But it wasn’t enough.

I laid her out on the floor of the train car, holding us together so I could feel all of her pressed against me. My hands explored with a mind of their own, relearning curves that I’d known for years but had been starved of. Jess kissed me back and did her own exploring. I would let her do that as much as she pleased.

This was us. This was where we belonged—as close as possible to each other. All the discord between us evaporated. Our bodies remembered what Ethan and Jess were supposed to be and weren’t going to let us hold ourselves apart.

I could admit to myself the relief I felt that Jess had never been with Russell. Not because it would have changed the way I felt—that would never happen. Nor would I have thought less of her for choosing to exercise her choices.

No. I was relieved because the thought of anyone else touching her—anyone else kissing her—drove me mad. It made me feral and possessive. Things I wasn’t used to feeling. But imagining anyone else with their hands on her like this? It broke me open.

Jess was mine.

And I was hers.

“Ethan,” she whispered. “I need you.”

“I’m here.”

She groaned. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“I—” I hesitated.

“I know that things have been weird, and I know that’s my fault. There’s a lot we need to talk about. That’s fine. I’ll talk about whatever you want. But I need you right now. Please.”

I paused. My hesitation wasn’t because I didn’t want her. I wanted her like I wanted oxygen: always. She was just as necessary to me. I’d hesitated because this wasn’t the way I wanted our reconciliation to be. I wanted us to be in a bed. Somewhere I could lay her out and worship her body the way it was meant to be worshipped.

But I’d never been able to say no to Jess. Not when it was something that was good for her. Good for us. Not in the seventeen years we’d been together. And never when it was something I wanted just as badly as she did. Maybe more.

I pulled her back up off the floor and into my lap, settling her so she was straddled over my hips. “Yes. But I need you to know this isn’t the way I would choose to make love to you. I want to take you slowly. I want to get lost in you and give you so much pleasure you forget your own fucking name. And then I want to do it again. Until neither of us can breathe.”

Jess’s breath was shallow, and her fingers curled into the fabric of my shirt, clinging to me.

“But that’s going to have to wait. Because I need to be inside you right now.”

She moaned, leaning in to kiss me again. I took my time. Using my tongue, I teased her lips open, sliding my hands down her back until I could cup her ass and pull her against me. I’d show her exactly how hard she made me—how much I wanted her. If there was nothing else, I wanted her to know that.