A Daddy for Alexi by Joe Satoria

16. WARREN

It was typical for someone I thought had left my life for good to show up when things were getting better, interesting, and settled. At least, that’s what I’d thought.

To see Benny again. I didn’t have feelings for him. He was the one who had left me. In the dark, in the lurch, after—too much went on. I thought we’d have spoken about it, but he left my life many years ago.

The wound was there. But he meant nothing to me now, other than a scab, and I didn’t need him near that. Open scabs can lead to infections.

Nick took over with help from Gareth, called in early to take over while I took Alexi back to the flat.

Alexi hadn’t said a word for over ten minutes, sitting on the floor, his back at bottom of the sofa. He had Sugar on his knee and a small glass of water clutched near his chin.

“You feeling better?” I asked, watching him from behind the sofa.

He glanced at me, his lips pressed together, trembling.

“What happened?” I’d asked him on the drive back. He’d had cereal this morning, he’d been happy and excited, mostly to see Sugar at lunch, but he didn’t look sick at all before we set off. “Do you want me to make you something to eat? Is it your belly?” I sat on the arm of the sofa, reaching out to stroke a hand through his hair.

“I—I—”

I didn’t pressure him into speaking. I continued to stroke at his shoulder, massaging it slightly for him. “Everything is ok,” I said. “I can make you something light, we can lay on the sofa, I can put some Studio Ghibli in.”

He looked back at me, smiling. It sounded like a nice plan, especially for a sick boy. “I don’t like shouting,” he said, softly, his eyes welling, filled at the waterline like he was about to burst at any moment. “It’s—”

“It’s ok,” I said. “I won’t ever shout in front of you, or at you. I promised. I’ll never hurt you.” Leaning across, I laid on the sofa. Patting at the sinking sofa cushion. “The thing between me and him ended years ago. I don’t want his drama to come between us.”

Alexi stood, cuddling the kitten. “Ok,” he said. He laid beside me. “I only told you little bits.”

“Whatever you want to tell me, let me know,” I said, pulling him into my embrace as he laid on the sofa. Hugging his back at my chest.

At his chest, I could see Sugar stretching out, his small claws in the fabric of his sweater. It didn’t even phase Alexi.

“When I was eleven, I had to move away from my mum,” he said. I could hear the gulping in his throat, and the light sniffle in the end of his nose. “So, I lived with my grandma. She died when I was—when I was sixteen.”

“Aw, baby.” I held him firmer at the waist. “I’m here for you.”

“When she died, I—I went back to live with my mum,” he let out, rushing to speak. “So, I stayed with her for a year and—a year and a half.”

“That’s ok, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t feel ready.” He needed to know I wasn’t forcing him to speak about this. I kissed at the back of his neck.

“She kicked me out because her boyfriend—her boyfriend didn’t like me,” he let out through a choked breath. “I was always—I was always—everyone was always arguing.”

I cooed in his ear lightly, kissing at his neck and letting him soak back into me. He was so precious; I didn’t want what happened today to get him down. He didn’t need that in his life or head. “It’s ok.”

“When people shout—when—” he continued, his shallow breath in the back of his throat. “It makes me feel sick, a panic attack.”

“You can stay here for the rest of the day,” I said, “keep Sugar company, watch all the TV, play all the games. The outside world is too ugly to have you in it.”

“No, no,” he said, “I need to go back, I can’t be controlled by this.”

I could feel his heart racing through my touch on his skin. His skin running hot and then cold. He was precious, and he needed saving. It was fate we ran into each other because I had all he could need. I was here to save him.

“If you want to, we can, but—” I paused myself, Alexi was strong for what he’d gone through, I couldn’t control him. “I’ll be there with you, every step, if you want me to be. No more shouting at people, no more letting someone get the better of me.”

Shuffling around to face me, the kitten now on my shoulder. Face to face, he kissed gently. “You’re the best daddy I could ever ask for,” he said. “Benny, I only know him online. I never thought—I never thought—he’s really not your type.”

“You’re right,” I said, “he’s not my type. He gave me a lot of the things I was looking for. I wanted someone to be a little softer, someone to be craving that caring hand.”

“What about your family?” he asked, his hand on my face, stroking it down the unshaved hair. He liked the stubble but not too beardy.

“I’m the eldest, I have a younger sister, she’s in London,” he said, “my family is small, my parents live in Kent now. We don’t see much of each other. They’re not supportive of me being gay, but that’s ok, because I’m strong.” I’d already come to terms with it, it’s what made me strong, the lack of my parents’ support is what made me want to be caring and supportive.

“You’re too nice for anyone to not like you,” he said, snuggling his head beneath my chin.

I couldn’t well up or cry in front of him, but as his head went beneath my chin, I could feel the heat in my eyes. It had built, waiting for me to sniffle and breakdown. But I was stronger than that. I had to be for Alexi.

“I think we should eat lunch, then see how you feel,” I said. “Maybe we should open the blinds too.” It was fairly dim and dark in the flat.

“It’s a nice day outside,” he said. “When can we take Sugar for walks?”

“Once he’s bigger,” I said, “he will need a cat collar and a lead, but once we’ve got those and he’s older and bigger, we can take him outside.”

“Is he an indoor cat or an outdoor cat?”

“That depends on if we keep him inside or not,” I said, raising a hand up his body. I stroked it down his cheek. “I’m guessing he’ll be an indoor cat that we take for walks.”

His hair brushed at my chin as he nodded. “Ok. I’d be sad if I lost him.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you never lose him,” I said. “And I’ll make sure you never lose me.”