Not Fake for Long by Weston Parker

34

KEIRA

As I stared up into Harrison’s beautiful hazel orbs, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how I was supposed to tell him news like this, especially after I’d essentially told him to leave the wedding when he’d only volunteered to go to help me out.

Still looking into his eyes, I saw the moment he saw the news in mine. His nostrils flared, his brow puckered, and then he shut his eyes.

I waited him out, feeling his chest rising and falling on several deep breaths before he opened his eyes again. When they came to mine, I tightened my grip on him and blew out a shuddering breath.

“I’m so sorry, Harrison. He’s gone,” I whispered. “It was a heart attack. I did everything I could, but the doctor said there was just too much damage.”

“Fuck.” He released me to drag both hands over his face, scrubbing them over it a few times. When he looked at me again, his eyes were red-rimmed but his jaw was set with determination. “Where is he? Do you know? I’d like to see him, and the doctor.”

“I don’t know where he is,” I said, taking a step away from him and swiping the tears away from my cheeks. “The doctor said we can page him any time if we have questions. Do you want me to go ask the nurses to do that?”

He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut for another moment. “I’ll do it. What’s his name?”

“Dr. Jacobson. Are you sure you don’t want to sit down for a minute? I can go get you some water and ask them to page him.”

Harrison shook his head again, then cleared his throat and rocked back on his heels as he slid his hands into his pockets. “No, it’s fine. You can leave if you want to. Is your car here?”

“Yes, it is. I followed the ambulance here. They wouldn’t let me ride with him because I’m not family.”

“Thank you for being there with him when I wasn’t,” he said, his voice tight. “I really appreciate it, but I should go now.”

He started turning after giving me a curt nod, but I reached out to grab his hand before he could walk away. “Do you want me to stay with you? I can stay if you need me to.”

“Don’t stay,” he said, pausing for a beat before he looked at me again. There was so much torment in his eyes that all I wanted to do was take him into my arms and keep him there, but the vibe he was giving off made me hold back.

It wasn’t exactly a fuck-off vibe, but it was pretty damn close. He exhaled heavily and drew his hand back from mine. “Look, I’m not trying to be rude here and this isn’t because of yesterday. I just need to be alone for a while, okay?”

I searched his gaze, looking for even the slightest trace that he wanted me to stay even though he was telling me to leave. There was nothing like that there, though. The only thing I saw was that torment and so much hurt that it sent a bolt of pain through me.

“I understand,” I said finally. “Let me know if you need anything? I can bring you some food or help you with the arrangements. Anything you need.”

“I’ll text you later.” He raked a hand through his hair, his head dipping in a terse nod before he strode away toward the nurses’ station.

Rooted to my spot, I watched him for a minute while he conversed with one of the nurses. She gave him a sympathetic smile, nodded, and motioned him back to the waiting area. Since he’d made it very clear that he didn’t want me here right now, I took off before he came back to where I was still standing.

The adrenaline of trying to get Ashton to the hospital in time, the shock of hearing about his passing, and the exhaustion of my sleepless night all caught up to me on my way home. While I hadn’t known Ashton very well, I was gutted by the fact that he was gone.

I kept picturing him bickering with Hailey just a few weeks ago, looking like the picture of strength and health on the back of his horse. It was unbelievable to me that he could be gone. I’d seen him just a week ago when I’d been out on the farm with Harrison.

Ashton had spent the whole day we’d been there bustling about, fixing things, and giving Harrison shit for taking the day off. Late in the afternoon before Harrison had driven me back to the city, he’d even had coffee with us.

It was just impossible to wrap my head around the fact that he’d been right there, standing in front of me talking to me one minute, and gone the next. How did something like that happen? He hadn’t been old, fragile, or sickly.

Intermittently bursting into tears as I replayed the events of the day in my head while on my way home, I was a mess of emotions by the time I trudged up the four stories to my apartment. I’d hardly closed the door behind me when someone knocked.

Jamie’s voice rang out before she knocked again. “Helloooo? I know you’re here. I saw you coming into the building just as I came around the corner.”

“I’m here,” I said, retracing the few steps I’d taken away from the door back to it. I opened it but left her to close it again as I drifted to the living room. “I’m not going to be excellent company, though. It’s been a terrible day.”

“Why?” She frowned as the door clicked behind her. I sagged down on the couch, closing my eyes as fresh tears filled them. The cushion dipped, and then I felt her sitting down next to my legs. “Are you okay? You’re super pale.”

“I don’t think I am.” I released a breath into my hands before lifting them away from my face. “Someone I knew passed away today. I was right there when he collapsed. I tried to help him, Jamie. I really did. I called the ambulance. I even tried CPR. It didn’t make any difference.”

“Shit,” she muttered under her breath, then stood up. “I’m going to make you some really sweet tea. When I get back, you can tell me all about it, okay? Stay here. Just breathe. I’ll be back in a minute.”

I zoned out while listening to her bustling around in the kitchen. In my mind’s eye, I saw Harrison and Ashton waiting for us that first day we’d arrived on the farm. I cycled through the few memories I had of him and found myself wishing that I’d known him better.

It seemed wrong that after having lived an entire life, I was the last person he’d had a conversation with. And it hadn’t even been about anything vitally important. What he’d said had meant a lot to me, sure, but it just felt like a person’s last few minutes talking to someone else should be about more than giving a near-stranger advice on her love life.

On the other hand, the way he’d spoken about Harrison had made it clear that he’d loved him. Perhaps even like a son. Maybe he wouldn’t have regarded it as a waste if it meant Harrison got to be happy. Not that I knew if he’d be happy with me or if he even wanted to be with me.

So maybe his last conversation could’ve been meaningful if it had been with someone Harrison actually wanted advice to be given to. I groaned out loud. My thoughts were so jumbled, I wasn’t even sure if I was following them anymore.

“Drink this,” Jamie said when she came back into the room, holding out a steaming cup of tea. “There’s about as much sugar in there as water. Just a warning.”

Sitting up as slowly and gingerly as a hundred-year-old might, I took the cup from her and brought it to my lips. “Thanks. I’m sure it’ll help. For the inside if not the outside.”

“What’s wrong with the outside?” she asked, giving me a long onceover. “Did you get hurt?”

I shrugged, wiping more tears away before sighing. “Not really. I was just already feeling like a truck had hit me before I’d even gone out to the farm. Now it feels like everything hurts, but my heart and my brain are in shambles.”

A crease appeared between her brows and worry clouded her usually clear blue eyes. “I think it’s time for you to tell me what happened.”

Getting the explanation out was more difficult than I’d have thought it would be. I got all choked up at parts, but Jamie’s sugar syrup masquerading as tea helped. When I was done telling her about it, I rested my head back against the couch.

“Do you think it’s normal to be feeling guilty?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

She nodded. “I think anything you’re feeling right now is normal. That’s a hell of a thing to have been through, even if it isn’t someone you were very close to.”

My heart ached for Harrison, wanting more than anything to be with him right then. “I should’ve stayed, shouldn’t I?”

“Depends,” she said. “How are you feeling about him now? Because I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have wanted someone to stick around if they’re mad at him.”

“I was so, so mad at him.” I put my empty teacup down on the coffee table with a soft clink, my gaze staying on the little white cup while I thought about how to answer her question. “After talking to Ashton, I’m not really as upset about it anymore. He said Harrison was excited about the wedding and that I was the only woman he’d ever had with him on the farm who wasn’t a client. That’s got to mean something, right?”

She gave me a small smile. “I definitely don’t think he would’ve gone through all that effort for you and with you just for a laugh. I’m not saying it’s okay that he lied to you, but I don’t think his intention was malicious.”

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking the same thing.” I dropped my head back, staring at the faint outline of a water stain that had been on the ceiling since I’d moved in. “What do I do now, though? It seems selfish to want him to explain under the circumstances. To be honest, the explanation doesn’t matter all that much to me right now. I really just want to be there for him, but I don’t even know where we’re standing right now.”

Jamie drained the last of her tea, swallowing slowly before she stood up. “I’m going to get us something stronger to drink than tea. Then we’ll brainstorm.”

“You don’t have to take care of me, you know?” I said, feeling the corners of my mouth sliding up just slightly. It wasn’t a full smile, but it was the best I could muster up at the moment. “I appreciate what you’re doing, but I’ll understand if you came here to talk about weddings and happiness and not all this.”

“I came here to see you,” she said, picking up my cup in her free hand. “Sure, I thought we were going to be talking about the wedding and I’m still dying to hear about it, but we’ll get to that later. Or another day. Do you still have that vodka in your freezer?”

“The bottle we couldn’t even finish half of together the last time we decided to get our drink on?” I asked, smiling just a little wider at the memory. “It’s there. Second drawer, I think.”

She held up a finger. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

True to her word, Jamie, the vodka, and two glasses were in the room just about a minute later. She filled up the glasses and held one out to me while keeping one for herself.

“Here’s what I think,” she said once she was seated again. “He told you he wanted to be alone today, so leave him be. For all we know, he might not even be back on the farm yet. It’s entirely possible that he could still be at the hospital.”

A fist closed around my heart at the thought him there, all alone while he attended to whatever needed to be done before he could leave. “You don’t think I should be there to help?”

She shook her head firmly. “He specifically said he would let you know if he needed you. Give him today to himself. It would’ve been a terrible shock for him and he might not want you to be around for the initial fallout.”

I rocked my head from side to side, considering what she’d said. “You may be right. He and Ashton seemed really close, so it makes sense that he’d want some time to process without having any eyes on him.”

“Exactly,” she said sadly. “People process in different ways. In your case, I’m very glad I showed up when I did because I don’t think you’d have called me, and yet I know you need someone to talk it all out with you. He might just want to drink himself into oblivion or yell until his throat hurts. Neither of which are things you want someone you recently started seeing to witness.”

“That seems fair.” I didn’t even know if we were technically still seeing each other, but I wasn’t about to argue with her over semantics. “How long do you think I should give him?”

“Go check on him tomorrow,” she said. “I know it’s Monday, but I’m sure your boss will understand if you ask for the day off, considering what happened. If he still asks to be left alone, then ask him to call you when he’s ready to talk.”

“I can do that,” I said, then took my first sip of the strong, clear liquid in my glass. It burned on the way down but in the best way possible. “This is exactly what I needed. Thank you.”

Jamie grinned at me, motioning to the bottle as she raised her glass in the air between us. “Bottoms up. There’s plenty more where that came from, and I have a feeling you need it after the weekend you had.”

I did. I really, really did. It was difficult to believe that so much had happened in less than forty-eight hours, but between working late on Friday, the wedding and learning the truth about Harrison on Saturday, and everything that had happened today, I was definitely ready to shut down. Which was exactly what I planned on doing.