Always the Widow by Emily E.K. Murdoch

Chapter Seventeen

The rushing street full of noisy shouting, the clatter of hooves, the rush of carriages, the laughter of those passing, and the debates of gentlemen did nothing to calm the frantically beating heart of Elizabeth.

This was a mistake.She had known it the moment she had opened the invitation but felt obliged—nay, she was obliged to answer it in the affirmative.

She cast a look down Camden Place and saw the odd numbers were on the other side of the road. Bath was altogether too busy, too crowded in the early spring, despite the end of the Season.

Beau wriggled in her arms. What had she been thinking, leaving Lenskeyn House? Molly had been insistent she would not be able to carry a four-month-old all day, and what had Elizabeth said?

Eventually spotting a gap in the carriages as one slowed to allow its passengers to disembark, she strode across the street with purpose, holding her head high.

Was it her imagination, or was everyone passing them staring? Were those increased giggles, whispers which included the name Lord Westray?

Or was she just imaging it? Was she so obsessed—Elizabeth reached the pavement and breathed deeply. She had to stop this. She had to leave him behind. That was precisely what Jacob was doing.

Leaving her behind to marry Miss Worsley.

Now all she had to do was continue with her own life, which was full of joy and her son. Their son.

She looked up at the imposing building before her. This was a place she had never intended to come and had never before received an invitation.

Camden Place.One of the most prestigious addresses in Bath, and just one of the homes of Albemarle Howard, fourteenth Earl of Lenskeyn and his wife—and now, their child.

Beau wriggled happily in her arms, turning his head this way and that to peer where his mother was looking.

Elizabeth had received an invitation from the new countess, her sister-in-law, to see the baby.

In her haste to respond to the letter, she had not taken in whether the younger Howard baby had been a girl or boy. And that mattered. A boy would displace her Beau in the line of succession, a welcome gift. But a girl…

Elizabeth swallowed. A girl would leave Beau the heir to the earldom, and so the grip of the Howards around their lives would continue.

Hiding away would not solve everything. It would not solve anything. Beau could still be the heir to the Howard fortune, and Miss Sophia would in less than a week become Lady Westray.

Elizabeth looked up at the imposing bellpull and hesitated.

It had all been a lie. Everything Jacob had said had been a lie.

“Miss Worsley be damned, I love you!”

She had been foolish to be taken in by his words, those lovely sweet nothings that promised so much and yet committed so little.

She had made that mistake before, had she not?It had not been the first time she had heard the promises of a handsome gentleman and believed, because he was handsome, because he cut a fine figure and drove a barouche, that he could be trusted.

The same mistake twice.She was an absolute fool and was now paying the price.

A small part of her had wondered whether she would see Jacob today. He was certainly in Bath, but he was nowhere to be seen, and Elizabeth hated that she was disappointed. What would she have done if she had seen him?

Nothing. There was nothing to say. He had said all in Sydney Gardens last week, and there had been nothing she could do. How could one force a gentleman to abide by the secret promises he had made?

She sighed heavily and pulled the bell again. The sooner this appointment with the Howards began, the sooner it would end. Then she could call a carriage, or perhaps even be sent home in one of their own, and she and Beau would be back in the safety of Lenskeyn House.

The door opened, and a footman dressed in the most ostentatious livery opened it.

“Ah, Mrs. Howard,” he said with a bow.

Elizabeth forced a smile.

She stepped inside and, as the door shut behind her, the hustle and bustle of the street disappeared. Only then did she realize how quickly her heart was beating.

“May I take your pelisse, my lady?”

Elizabeth smiled at the footman as he looked uncomfortably at the baby in her arms. “Not unless you have four arms. Do not worry, I shall remove it when I sit down.”

“This way, my lady,” the footman said, looking awkward but gesturing she should walk forward and enter the second room on the left. “His lordship and my lady are waiting.”

Elizabeth inclined her head. Had no one ever seen a baby before? It was most unaccountable that the world should be designed to make it difficult for anyone holding an infant.

“There she is!” came the warm welcome from Theodosia as Elizabeth stepped into the drawing room. “And perfectly on time, that is what I like to see.”

Elizabeth smiled despite her fears. There was something so…well, all-encompassing about Theodosia. No matter who you were, she could make you feel at ease in a moment.

She had once been a matchmaker, Elizabeth knew, and it must have been a useful skill when finding the best brides and grooms for society’s elite.

“Good afternoon, Theodosia,” she said. “And your lordship.”

Albemarle was lounging on a sofa, looking utterly on top of the world. Theodosia, on the other hand, looked a little rough around the edges. She recognized the signs. Recent entry to motherhood.

It was only something another mother would notice. The tiredness around the eyes was expected, as was the lackadaisical approach to styling one’s hair.

“We have just put little Wilhelmina to sleep,” said Theodosia heavily, seating herself beside her husband and closing her eyes. “For now.”

Albemarle grinned and gestured that Elizabeth should sit. She lowered herself gently onto a sofa, placing Beau beside her. He happily stared up at her and his new surroundings as his mother removed her pelisse.

“It appears that you were strong-armed into a name, there,” she said hesitantly. The last thing she wanted was for her in-laws to report back her cheek to the dowager countess.

But it appeared she would not be so censured.

Theodosia rolled her eyes. “I tell you, Elizabeth, do not get me started. I had wished for a simpler name—Mary, perhaps, or Elizabeth like yourself. But after our delightful mother-in-law threw herself into hysterics—”

“Which I do not believe were genuine for a moment,” interrupted her husband with a grin. “She sobbed to force me into matchmaking, and I noticed afterward that there were no tears on her—”

“And so now we have Wilhelmina,” said Theodosia, shaking her head. “I suppose I shall become accustomed to it in time. ’Tis all my fault, of course, for not having a boy.”

Beau chose that rather inopportune moment to gurgle happily.

Elizabeth colored. “It is rather awkward, is it not? I mean, I never thought—”

A loud screech echoed through the house and cut through the two ladies as nothing else could. Even Elizabeth, who knew it was not her child, had a visceral reaction.

Theodosia closed her eyes, and Albemarle patted her on the arm. “I will go. Though what fool gave Nurse the day off today…”

“You did,” Theodosia said as he left the room. “Well, ’tis all strange for both of us, joining a strange family, although I suppose you have had time to acclimatize yourself to the dowager’s ways. We will call her Mina, anyway. I wouldn’t burden her with that full name!”

Elizabeth chuckled. There was something intensely reassuring to know her sister-in-law was just as boisterous and defiant as she wished to be.

It was impossible not to like Theodosia. She was strong-willed; that was what the gossips had always said. But Elizabeth liked that.

It felt foolish now to think back on her trepidation in coming. In truth, it was a relatively pleasant change from the same rooms she had spent the last year. And Theodosia was remarkably pleasant. It would do her good to know her better.

Another baby scream came down the stairs, and Theodosia smiled with exhaustion. “It does get better, doesn’t it?”

Beau chose that particular moment to decide his world was not as it should be and let out an almighty scream of displeasure.

Elizabeth smiled as she picked up her boy and held him close. “Would you believe me if I said yes?”

Theodosia laughed. “Well, I consider myself forewarned. Albie—Albemarle should be down in a few moments. He is so good to her. Cake?”

“Wh—oh, yes.” Elizabeth had not noticed the tea things set out on a side table, nor the considerable fruit cake on a stand beside it. “I have found feeding Beau to be utterly exhausting, especially when…”

Her voice trailed off as her cheeks heated. It was not seemly to speak of such things.

“Oh, I quite agree,” said Theodosia as she cut a large slice of fruit cake, placed it on a plate, and handed it to her. “Feeding Mina has been like running miles every day!”

Elizabeth almost sagged with relief. Here was a woman who understood the matriarch of their family, had a child similar in age to Beau, and was choosing to nurse.

“I have done some reading on the subject,” Theodosia said, cutting herself a slice of cake. “There are many different approaches. I had no idea. When I first began…”

Eating a slice of fruit cake with only one hand was difficult enough, and Elizabeth found it increasingly challenging to pay attention to her hostess’s conversation.

Jacob’s parting words to her were still ringing in her ears, ringing in her heart.

“I cannot talk to you like this. I-I cannot do it. All you need to know is that this is at an end. Good day.”

Was her desperation to be with Jacob only a reaction to being without a husband? A widow always felt alone. A widow always felt unprotected, unshielded from the world. But was that right? Thanks to her brother and sister-in-law, was she ever truly alone?

Elizabeth tried to nod and eat at the same time. Beau wriggled, as eager to be out of her arms as he had been to be in them just moments ago. She placed him beside her on the sofa, freeing her hands to balance the cake better, and tried once again to attend to Theodosia.

“—but I found that advice quite useless,” she was saying. “When I tried it a different way, it was much better, more comfortable to—”

Elizabeth nodded as she swallowed a mouthful of cake. Jacob did not seem able to leave her mind—or was it that she was simply dwelling on what she could not have?

He had always known, somehow, exactly how to captivate her, make her feel special, cared for, beloved. She could not trust herself when she was with him.

He was making a mistake by marrying Miss Worsley. Surely they could not be happy if she was enforcing the engagement through a twisted sort of blackmail?

Her stomach lurched. She knew what it was to regret one’s marriage.

She did not want that for Jacob. She would not wish it on anyone.

“I must apologize for my daughter, who has her father’s temper and her mother’s lungs,” said Albemarle.

Elizabeth jumped. She had not noticed his return.

“It does not matter,” Theodosia said without malice. “Elizabeth was not listening to a word I was saying, anyway.”

Heat seared Elizabeth’s cheeks. “I was—at least, I will admit I was trying to. Motherhood, you know.” She smiled weakly. “’Tis amazing what one is unable to do when one has a newborn.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” said Albemarle seriously. “Whenever Theodosia forgets something, it feels ridiculous. I mean, you know your own middle names, surely! But then I recall that I, unlike she, am enjoying at least seven hours of sleep a night. No sleep can do strange things to a mind.”

But Theodosia was watching Elizabeth closely with a skeptical look on her face.

“If I did not know any better,” said Theodosia softly, “I would say you were in love.”

What could she say?Elizabeth was not a liar by nature, never had been.

All she could do now was sigh heavily. It was the only alternative to an outright falsehood.

Albemarle and Theodosia exchanged glances.

Elizabeth turned to look at Beau. He had fallen asleep, utterly exhausted with the excitement of leaving home.

Then she looked at her hosts. In many ways, they were strangers to her. But they were family. More, they were family who had supported her through the most trying time, and in some situations, taken her side against her mother-in-law.

Elizabeth was sure she could trust them. Even if she did not give all the details, sharing some of the burden on her heart would surely do her good.

She had battled with this for so long on her own, she wasn’t sure whether she could stand it anymore.

“How…” Elizabeth swallowed.

“Tea,” said Theodosia firmly.

There were a few minutes of silence as Theodosia poured the tea, and after she had taken a few sips of the scalding but soothing liquid, she tried again.

“How did you know that you were right for each other?”

“We didn’t,” Theodosia said blankly.

Albemarle laughed as Elizabeth colored. “I am afraid we are hardly the best people to ask for simple answers, Elizabeth. Life—love is more complicated than that.”

Elizabeth shifted in her seat. Perhaps this had been a mistake.

“’Tis very common, of course, in romances,” said Theodosia thoughtfully. “One person realizes there is something there, but the other one has not yet. There is often an imbalance. Of timing, not of affection.”

A frown creased Elizabeth’s forehead as she sipped her tea. “But in all the stories I have read—”

“Oh, well,” Theodosia said with a laugh. “Yes. Stories.”

Perhaps her prickled feelings were visible on her face, for Albemarle said, “You must forgive the bluntness of my wife.”

His wife looked mortified. “Oh, please do not misunderstand me, Elizabeth. No, I am not laughing at you. Have we not all read the stories, over and over again! I fell for them, too. Did…did you know I was once engaged to another man, before Albemarle?”

Elizabeth felt her mouth fall open and had to close it. No hint had ever reached her.

“No, I did not know,” she said quietly. “No idea in the slightest.”

Albemarle was nodding. “Love…love arrives in strange ways. Every story is different, and the storybooks themselves are not entirely wrong. Some people do fall in love at first sight.”

Theodosia snorted, making Elizabeth smile.

“Well, they do,” said Albemarle with a lazy grin. “Trust me. If you could spend a little time in some of the clubs I am a member of, you would find more than one gentleman who realized his wife was the person with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life within seconds of meeting her. Just because gentlemen do not talk about it…”

Elizabeth’s eyes were wide as she took another sip of tea. The idea of gentlemen being the true romantics had never crossed her mind. Why they were such animals most of the time!

“But that sort of romance is not typical, and no one should expect it,” Albemarle continued. “For most of us, love is messy, complicated, and it hurts. Ours certainly did.”

It was difficult to keep her countenance calm. She had not heard the intimate details of Albemarle and Theodosia’s courtship—he had lived on the Continent for the past decade, and so she barely knew him. Theodosia was just one of the ladies she had been permitted by Elmore to have in her home.

But she had attended their wedding. They looked so much in love—even now, a year later, it was evident how strongly they felt about each other. Seated here talking to her, there was always a point of contact between them. A hand on a shoulder. Arms touching gently.

Even the simplest romances were, it appeared, far more complicated.

“So…so you did not just fall in love and get engaged?”

Theodosia laughed again, and Albemarle shook his head.

Speaking in a dark voice, he said, “You think my mother—my mother, and you know her in some ways far better than I—would want me marrying someone without a title, without fortune, without connections?”

Elizabeth glanced at Theodosia, thinking she may be upset by this description, but she was still laughing.

“No, my mother tried to make it very clear how upset she was about the whole thing, and it almost broke us apart,” said Albemarle.

Elizabeth smiled. “It all came right in the end, though. You still have each other. You are married.”

“Yes,” said Theodosia, forcing down a hiccup from all her laughter. “But I tell you honestly, Elizabeth, it could have gone very differently. We had to be brave—both against his darling mother and against our own fears.”

Elizabeth caught her eye, and she wondered whether one day, Theodosia would be close enough to tell her the full story.

“Sometimes I wonder how we managed it and how we went on to create someone so precious,” Albemarle said.

He smiled at Theodosia, who smiled back, and for a minute, it was as though Elizabeth was not there.

Well, perhaps her adventure with Jacob was not so unusual, then.They had certainly had challenges laid at their door, although one could argue they had created most of them themselves.

Having something with Jacob like Albemarle and Theodosia shared—it was so precious. Something like that should be fought for.

“Tea,” said Theodosia quickly as she tore her gaze from her husband.

As Elizabeth handed over her cup to be refilled, she thought that although she had made plenty of mistakes, this one was Jacob’s.

He could have her. She had offered herself up on a silver platter, she and their son.

It was Jacob who had turned away.