Always the Widow by Emily E.K. Murdoch

Chapter Nineteen

“Not too—I saidnot too close to the water! Jacob!”

Elizabeth laughed as she shouted, knowing full well her words would be utterly unheeded. It did not matter, really. She knew Jacob would launch himself into the loch if necessary. Anything for his boy. Their boy. Beau.

As she leaned back against the tree where they had lain their picnic blanket a few hours ago, she took in the magnificent view. Scotland had been far more than she could ever have hoped for. The vast open sky, the mountains, the way the landscape never stayed the same for more than ten miles together.

She could understand why Albemarle was eager to get back here, to the Lenskeyn seat up in the Highlands. It was a world apart from Bath and the hustle and bustle of town life.

The sun shone down on her as she looked out at her child and his father—her future husband—as they played right by the water’s edge.

“See, this stone could have been here hundreds of years,” said Jacob to the surely uncomprehending little boy sitting half in and half out of the water. “Here. There, what do you think?”

Elizabeth smiled. Jacob had been convinced Beau would be able to walk down the aisle with her when they wed. She was not so sure. Their son showed plenty of interest in crawling, but as that got him where he wanted to go, where was the incentive to stagger about on two legs?

Beau gurgled and threw the stone into the lake, giggling wildly at the ripples that poured out from it.

“Well done!” Jacob’s voice said on the breeze.

They were so different, father and son.They looked so different, anyway. Jacob’s dark hair was utterly absent from Beau’s blonde mop, so like her own.

But if one knew what they were looking for, one could see the resemblance—something in the brows, how they both frowned when they did not get their own way. Beau was undoubtedly more a Beauvale in his temperament than a Sandringham.

“Oh, you really are quite damp, aren’t you?” Jacob’s voice sounded surprised, and Elizabeth had to force down a laugh. Looking after a child was still so new to him. “We should probably get you out of there, old boy. Here we go.”

Lifting up his son into his arms, Jacob smiled as he turned toward her. It took only a minute for him to cross over the lawn and reach her, depositing their son between them as he kissed her forehead.

“You did not wish to come into the loch, too?” he said with a grin as Beau started to leave a damp patch on the picnic blanket.

Elizabeth chuckled ed as she started to pull off her son’s wet garments. It would not hurt him to have sun on his skin.

“No, I did not,” she said good-naturedly. “I prefer to have my feet on dry ground! There you are, Beau. Off you go.”

She watched happily as her son attempted to take a few steps and then quickly descended to all fours to scuttle across the grass.

Jacob laughed as he leaned back on his elbows. “That boy will be walking by the time I walk you back down the aisle, mark my words.”

Elizabeth shook her head with a smile. “And I think you are deluding yourself, and we will leave it at that. Beau will let us know soon, one way or the other.”

Both of them watched their son carefully as he crawled around, exploring the large rocks scattered about the ground, stopping to look for a while at a stick he found.

“For a moment, in that church,” said Jacob in a low voice, “I thought of going through with it.”

Elizabeth swallowed and hesitated before responding. Her instinct was to panic, but she had to learn to trust Jacob, particularly now he had made such a public commitment to her. She had to learn to trust him.

Nevertheless, despite the warmth of the sun, she felt a cold shiver pass through her. “What made you change your mind?”

She watched him, saw the crease of his brow as he considered the right words to describe that moment of utter panic. A life without Jacob. It was not to even be considered.

“I do not know,” he said eventually, eyes still on their son. “It all seems so long ago.”

Elizabeth laughed. “It was five days ago!”

Jacob grinned with that boyish charm she loved so well. “Yes, as I said. A lifetime ago.”

Silence fell as a hawk soared overhead on the lookout for some easy prey. The noise of a delighted Beau echoed around the empty loch as he discovered a rock bigger than himself that he tried to lift.

There was something so innocent about children, Elizabeth mused. When do we lose that innocence?

“I spent so long worrying about what was going to happen,” said Jacob slowly, “so many hours puzzling over the right thing to do, you have no idea. Eventually, I realized that life was going to continue and happen to me, whether I wanted it to or not.”

Elizabeth nodded. “Carrying a child is a little like that. You can worry about it all you like, but birth is coming, whether you wish it to or not.”

“It was my responsibility to change things if I did not like them the way they were,” Jacob said bracingly. “The only person allowing things to happen against my wishes was me. I had to do something if I wanted to see a change in the world. And so I did.”

They were exactly the words, though she had not known it, that Elizabeth had needed to hear. More than that, the words she knew had been deep inside him, but he needed to discover for himself.

Shifting on the picnic blanket, Elizabeth placed her head in his lap and looked up at the brilliant sky.

“I wish I had known that when I was younger,” she said with a smile. “I married Elmore what seems like a lifetime ago merely because that was what young ladies did. You married the first man who asked you.”

She felt as well as heard Jacob chuckle.

“Well, that is what happened!” she said defensively. “If I had had any self-respect in those days, I do not think…I know I would not have married him.”

For the second time on that hot day by Loch Lenskeyn, she shivered. She had been so sad, so alone. The world had seemed like a distant thing—Elmore had kept it distant. No friends, no opportunities to go and make new acquaintances.

“But then,” said Jacob quietly, “we would never have met. So there was some good in it somewhere.”

It was an intriguing thought and not one that had occurred to Elizabeth before. “You are watching Beau, aren’t you?”

“I am always watching Beau,” came the reassuring voice of the man she loved. “But you have to admit, without being a Howard, our paths would never have crossed.”

Elizabeth was not entirely sure. “You do not think we would have ever met?”

It was a strange concept.

“Well, Bath and London are large, when you move about in the right circles as we do,” said Jacob fairly, “one does not meet everyone.”

They fell into silence as Elizabeth considered his words. Though they moved in similar circles, she was so rarely permitted to leave the house and enter into society, it was unlikely she would meet any gentleman, let alone Jacob.

If she had not married Elmore, she would not have been forced to give away Howard jewels to pay off his gambling debts. If Elmore had not created debts in the first place, Jacob would never have come to the house.

“I am not sure I like the idea that my late husband is the reason I have found my future one,” she said, closing her eyes. “Surely we would have met elsewhere?”

“Perhaps,” came Jacob’s reassuring voice. “But you would probably have been married to someone else anyway. Perhaps this is Fate, what has happened between us. Perhaps I always had to marry you after your first marriage, as a widow.”

Elizabeth had to laugh at that.

She felt Jacob’s hand cup her cheek for a brief instant.

“You…you complete me, Lizzy.”

How was it possible,Elizabeth thought with a smile, that Jacob could see inside her soul and say just what she needed to hear?

“I do?” she asked teasingly.

She received a nudge for her impudence.

“You know you do,” said Jacob. “And in a new way. No matter what else befalls me, everything in my life is about you now. You and Beau.”

Elizabeth grinned as she folded her hands onto her stomach.

“Oh, did I mention I received a letter?” he asked.

Elizabeth was tilted slightly as Jacob leaned toward where he had thrown down his coat when they had opened up the picnic basket hours ago.

“Hmm?” Elizabeth really could not get excited about Jacob’s correspondence—not when it was likely to be packed full of reprimands from his friends in society.

“Yes, from my godmother.”

Elizabeth sat up so quickly her head started to spin. “Lady—Lady Romeril?”

Her heart fluttered wildly, and she frowned at the grin on Jacob’s face. It was all very well for him. He knew Lady Romeril well, and what’s more, she doted on him.

But his godmother was an exacting woman, famous for it. Elizabeth was not ashamed to admit she was fearful of Lady Romeril and her lashing tongue.

“What does she want?” she attempted to say calmly.

Jacob’s smile broadened as he pulled the letter from his pocket. “Nothing too terrible, I promise you. Here, you can read it for yourself. I am going to rescue that poor stick from our son’s clutches.”

She could not help but laugh nervously as he placed the letter in her hands and walked away.

“Beau, no, that does not go in your mouth!”

The paper was expensive. Of course it was. Unfolding it, she saw Lady Romeril’s handwriting was old-fashioned but perfectly legible. Elizabeth started to read.

Jacob,

There have been very few times in your life when I have been truly proud of you, but yesterday at your wedding, I have to say, I have never been more impressed.

Your mother, God rest her soul, knew how to make a scene too, of course, but even I could never have predicted one so immense, so outlandish. It will go down in history, my boy, and for that alone, I must commend you.

Poor Miss Worsley. I will do my best for her, but I will admit she is seemingly undesirous of my attention and support, which I suppose is to be expected.

You are my godson, and so I stand by you. I think I would have done so anyway, in all truth, for I am thrilled that for once, you have managed to make a good decision and all on your own without any of my interference (more or less).

Elizabeth Howard, while she may not bear that name for much longer, is a good woman. I like her. I could have told you that in the first place if your knucklehead had managed to think of speaking about her to me. You could have saved yourself a great deal of trouble, and I think, if Mr. Worsley has his way, expense if you had made a clean breast of it to me.

That is neither here nor there. You’ll wed Mrs. Howard soon, I hope, so that all these intriguing rumors about her and the child can be put to rest. You must all three come to visit me at Romeril Manor when you have returned from your wedding tour.

I look forward to knowing your bride better, and the little one who, to my mind, is the spitting image of you at that age. All that blonde hair! Such a shame it darkened over time.

I will say no more about it and remain your affectionate godmother,

Lady Elizabeth Romeril

It was impossible not to smile at a missive such as that. Well, Lady Romeril approved of her, did she? Elizabeth was unsure whether to be flattered or concerned.

“See? I told you she was a good sort,” said Jacob as he dropped down beside her, their son set on a far more favorable path away from e sticks. “Lady Romeril almost says she approves of you, which is high praise indeed.”

Elizabeth laughed. “Yes, and what’s more, her strange behavior—and yours!—makes far more sense now you have explained about that codicil. I just cannot understand why you did not mention it to begin with!”

Jacob looked uncomfortable. “Well, you know. It hardly painted me in a good light, did it? The whole damned situation.”

It was impossible to be angry at him, not now it was all resolved between them—but of course, it could have been so different. They could have lost each other forever.

“’Tis kind of her to invite us to visit,” she said lightly, folding up the letter and returning it to him.

Jacob rolled his eyes. “Only so she can examine Beau and see whether she can spot any additional similarities between us as children. I had no idea I had blonde hair as a baby. Thank goodness that is not common knowledge!”

Elizabeth laughed and looked at their crawling son. Yes, their secret had been protected by Beau’s blonde hair, so like her own. Little had they known Beau actually took after his father after all.

“She is absolutely right in her guess, of course, but we do not have to tell her that,” Jacob said blithely. “I wonder how many other people will guess in time.”

Elizabeth bit her lip. It was a question that had occurred to her over the last few days, but hopefully, in the next few years, it would not matter.

Elmore Lenskeyn Beauvale Howard might be the heir to the earldom at the moment, but Albemarle and Theodosia were likely to have more children if the way he looked at his wife was any indication.

“All these invitations,” sighed Jacob heavily. “I hope you realize that is the fourth one, and we only arrived here yesterday! Marnmouth, Mercia, Axwick, and now Lady Romeril!”

“One cannot help but be popular, it seems,” Elizabeth teased him.

He cast her a knowing look. “You know they only want to gawp at us. Well, not the Mercias. I thought I had said goodbye to polite society after my antics in the church, but I have only become more fashionable! How does jilting a woman improve one’s reputation?”

“Just think of all the young ladies who will wish to make your acquaintance,” said Elizabeth, her eyes dancing. “I hope you will be able to find time in your life and room in your heart for all of them.”

What a relief she could jest like this with the man she loved!Elmore had never understood jokes. She had lived a life without laughter.

“No, thank you. I have learned my lesson with you and Sophia. No more ladies for me, thank you!”

Beau was crawling toward them now, his eyes bright and a wide grin on his face.

“I suppose that means there is no more room in your heart to love another?” Elizabeth said lightly.

Jacob shook his head. “No fear. I only have room for yourself and Beau. That is all.”

Elizabeth smiled. How she loved teasing him. “Well, that settles it. I hereby end our engagement.”

Little Beau squealed with delight as he spotted a fluffy-tailed rabbit that had just hopped out of a hole. His crawling increased in speed dramatically as he burbled after it.

After rising to his feet and bringing their son back to the blanket to ensure Beau was perfectly safe, Jacob turned to her. “How—how can you say that? You are teasing me—you cannot be in earnest? Break our engagement?”

Elizabeth forced her face to remain serious. “I am in earnest. If you tell me you only have room in your heart for myself and Beau, I must leave you.”

“But—but…” Jacob stared in abject confusion. “After all we have been through, after my own foolishness, which I totally accept responsibility for, how can you think we shouldn’t be together?”

Elizabeth did not reply immediately. She looked around her, eyes taking in the sights of Loch Lenskeyn. This was a beautiful place. Theodosia had been right in her letter. She had needed to get away from it all, from Bath, from the people who watched and judged and had no idea of her story.

It was most kind of them to offer the seat of the Lenskeyn name for a week, but she had never felt at home in the Howard family, and now, in a way, she was going to leave it.

This visit to Scotland was her saying goodbye. She had no ties to the Howard name now, other than her growing friendship with Theodosia. Her son was all Beauvale.

“I-I do not know what to say,” Jacob said, and Elizabeth looked at him. “Tell me what I have done wrong!”

Elizabeth smiled. “You said yourself, you have no room for anyone else, and I would hate for our second child to be without its father.”

There. It was done.

Jacob evidently had not understood. “Second…second child?”

Elizabeth nodded, unable to stop smiling. She had not believed it herself at first.

“No. No, you are not,” whispered Jacob.

She laughed. “I am! After all those years thinking I was barren, you have managed to make me pregnant again. That is two within two years!”

Utter incomprehension painted Jacob’s features as he stared in silence. A small prickle of concern crept around Elizabeth’s heart. What if Jacob had not been jesting—what if he really did not wish to have any more children?

Then he swept her up into her arms, pulling her down onto the blanket, and was laughing and shouting, and his words mingled into each other as he kissed her again and again.

“A baby!” he was saying in between his laughter and kisses. “Another—oh, Lizzy, you make me so happy! Another little Beauvale!”

Elizabeth was in ecstasy. It was precisely the reaction she had needed, and lying here in his arms in the sunshine with their boy by their side.

“The first official one,” she said with a wry smile.

Jacob kissed her. “The first of many.”