Aria by Jennifer Hartmann

24Chapter Twenty-Four

It was a foggy, damp day in New York City. It felt as if the entire city was mourning the loss of Devon Sawyer. Chelsie pulled her sweater around herself. She was no longer used to the chilly, northern air. She felt out of place as she hailed a cab, dodging the busy pedestrians on their cell phones, and cursing as she stepped into a puddle. There was so much noise. The smell of street-stand hot dogs filled the air and car horns blared as Chelsie hurried down the bustling sidewalk.

It was a short drive to the funeral home. Too short. Chelsie didn’t feel prepared. When the cab pulled up to the brick building, Chelsie almost told the driver to bring her back to the hotel. Her heart was beating rapidly, and her stomach had twisted with nerves and anxiety.

She pressed on, though. She had made it this far. Chelsie needed to see it through.

“Thank you,” she said to the driver, handing him his cash and stepping out onto the sidewalk in her black sandals. There were people everywhere. Family, friends, fans. It took Chelsie’s breath away. She took a few hesitant steps forward, her eyes darting left and right, unsure of who she may recognize.

Would Julia be there? They hadn’t spoken since Chelsie left town almost three years ago.

Miles? Tad?

Noah?

Chelsie felt sick to her stomach. I can’t do this.

“Chelsie!”

She stopped in her tracks. She recognized that voice.

Lisa.

The two friends embraced, and Chelsie had to fight back her tears. It had been a long time since she’d laid eyes on her best friend. Lisa’s red curls smelled like baby powder and they tickled Chelsie’s nose as they hugged.

“I’m so glad you came,” Lisa whispered against her ear.

Chelsie let the emotions run through her. She didn’t want to fight her feelings. “God, it’s good to see you,” Chelsie replied, pulling back and wiping the fallen tears from her cheeks.

They stared at each other, taking one another in and studying how much they had changed.

“You cut your hair,” Lisa noticed, sniffling back her own tears. “It looks really cute.”

Chelsie raised a hand to her shoulder-length bob. Her bangs had grown out and Chelsie wanted something with less maintenance. “Oh, thanks. I’m still getting used to it.”

“It suits you,” Lisa smiled.

She pushed a few rebellious strands of hair behind her ear. “And look at you. You’re in law school. I’m so proud of you.”

Lisa nodded with excitement. “It’s going really well. I’m so glad I decided to finally go for it. No more waiting tables,” she said.

Chelsie’s mind wandered to Julia. “Oh, hey… do you still talk to Julia? I texted her after I left, but I haven’t spoken to her since.”

“Julia moved to California about six months after you left. She sent me a Facebook message. According to her Instagram, she’s dating some D-list actor and living as a socialite near Los Angeles.”

Chelsie wrinkled her nose. “That sounds like Julia.”

“Yep.” Lisa seemed to catch sight of something out of the corner of her eye. She bit her lip and started fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “I – I think that’s Miles,” she said to Chelsie.

Chelsie’s head jerked into the same direction. Sure enough, Miles stood at the entrance of the funeral home with a mystery woman by his side. Tad was standing beside him. Lisa had dumped Miles immediately after finding out he’d been cheating on her. As far as Chelsie knew, that was the last time they had spoken.

“Are you going to be okay?” Chelsie wondered. She reached out her arm and laid a comforting hand on Lisa’s shoulder.

Lisa straightened her posture and cleared her throat. “Of course. It’s just a little awkward, you know?”

Chelsie nodded in understanding.

“Are you going to talk to Noah?”

Just the sound of Noah’s name had her belly doing flip-flops. “Um, I’m not sure.” Lisa was the only person she had told about their last night together. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

Lisa grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Well, if you change your mind, he’s right over there.”

Chelsie paled. Her eyes followed the direction of Lisa’s finger and her mouth went dry. Her heart was pounding so hard, she thought it might crack a rib. She could feel Lisa squeezing her hand even tighter, sensing Chelsie’s ever-growing panic. “I can’t do this, Lis. I can’t be here. It’s too much.”

“You can do this,” Lisa assured her. “Walk inside. Say your goodbyes to Devon. Make peace with everything. Then… go back to your life.”

Chelsie nodded. She tried to concentrate on her breaths, her gaze falling back to Noah. Beth was by his side, her hands clutching a baby stroller. A young boy, maybe three-years-old, was running circles around them as they chatted with unfamiliar visitors.

Then there was Sam. He had grown so much. He was impossibly tall, and his hair had become shaggy, curling behind his ears. Chelsie wondered if he would remember her.

“Let’s go inside, okay?” Lisa said, nudging Chelsie’s side. “I’m right here with you.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Chelsie kept her eyes facing forward as they passed Noah and his family. All she could do was hope he didn’t recognize her.

When they were safely inside, they waited in line to pay their respects to Devon. It was a closed casket and Chelsie was grateful for that – seeing her ex-boyfriend lying in a coffin would be too much to bear. Just knowing he was in there was enough to make her stomach sour. When she was next to proceed, Chelsie pressed her hand on top of the mahogany coffin and bowed her head. “I’m sorry, Devon. I’m sorry for letting you down in so many ways.” Hot tears pooled in her eyes. When she blinked, they fell down her face and landed on the shiny wood. “Thank you for all you did for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. I’m a better person now, and I wish we could have made amends. I wish I could have fixed you.” She sighed. “Wherever you go, I hope you keep making music.”

Chelsie stepped away. A combination of remorse and peace washed over her as she spoke her final goodbyes.

Closure.

She settled by the snack bar that was garnished with plates of cheese, doughnuts, tea sandwiches and more sweet treats. There was lemonade and coffee. Devon loved coffee.

Chelsie turned around to let a woman access the snacks and almost bumped into someone. “Oh, excuse me…” She froze. Noah stood before her, his eyes burning into her. She felt dizzy – the room was spinning. It was hot. She couldn’t catch her breath. Chelsie reached over to hold herself steady against something, but there was nothing there. She lost her balance and Noah moved in quickly to pull her back to her feet.

“You okay?”

That voice. His voice. Chelsie had heard it on the radio, but this was different. He was here. He was real. Her Noah. His hand was still lingering on her elbow as she regained her footing – it was the first time they had touched in almost three years. The physical contact sent her mentally spiraling for just a moment; her entire universe seemed off-kilter. Chelsie reeled her emotions back in and let out a breath she had been holding for the last thirty seconds.

“Noah.” His name sounded foreign on her tongue, like a lost and forgotten language. Sacred – a thing of beauty.

Something that should remain entombed.

Noah released his hold on her arm, his movements slow and languishing. It was as if he was reluctant to let go. “I saw you walk in. I don’t want to bother you, I just…” He scratched the back of his neck, his features unreadable. His green eyes used to tell so many tales. “I’m sorry, I probably should have left you alone.”

Chelsie glanced over at Lisa, who had finished paying her respects. She was sipping a lemonade in the corner, giving them their space. Chelsie’s eyes fell back to Noah. “It’s okay. I’m not staying long.”

Noah put his hands into his pockets, the sleeves of his black button-down rolled up to his elbows. A tattoo of a guitar with various dates encompassing it had been newly etched into the fleshy side of his arm. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

Gone. That word was so final; so conclusive. Chelsie wondered if Noah had felt a similar chill in his bones when he’d realized she was gone. She folded her sweater across her royal blue dress and looked down at the floor. “Me, too. I think I’m still processing everything.”

“Chelsie?”

Her head jerked to the right as the young, innocent voice registered in her brain. Sam. Sam had approached them with wide eyes and remnants of doughnuts on his face. “Sam… you remember me?”

Sam was seven years old now. He would be in second grade. He likely had epic birthday parties with his friends and video game marathons with his father. His dinosaur pajamas had probably been replaced with superhero or Minecraft designs. Chelsie wondered if he still had his Buzz Lightyear nightlight, or if that had also been replaced – or possibly, removed completely. Maybe Sam wasn’t afraid of the dark anymore.

Sam stood beside his father with a dumbfounded look on his face. “Of course, I remember you. Why did you leave?”

Oh, God. How could she possibly put into words why she’d left? What explanation would ever make sense to a young boy?

I had to stop trying to fix everyone else and finally fix myself.

I refused to drag you and your father down my dark path.

You deserved a motherly figure who wasn’t broken.

You deserved so much more than the person I used to be.

Chelsie knew she couldn’t say any of those things.

She lowered herself to one knee, bringing herself to his level. His face was curious and expectant. “Sam… I couldn’t stay. I hope you can forgive me,” she said to him. Chelsie’s gaze was fixed on Sam, but her words were meant for them both.

Sam blinked a few times before nodding his head, as if contemplating his response. “We’re learning about forgiveness in school,” he told her. “I will definitely forgive you, Miss Chelsie.”

Chelsie replied with a watery smile, rising back to her feet. A simple explanation and apology had been the way to go. Chelsie’s only hope was that Sam would carry that forgiveness with him through adulthood. “That means a lot to me,” she replied. “That’s very nice of you.”

Sam looked up at his father. “Do you forgive her, too? You were really sad when she left. You wrote a lot of songs. I think you should forgive her, Dad.”

Chelsie felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. Noah closed his eyes and looked to be grinding his teeth together. His shoulders were tense, and Chelsie had to resist the urge to lay a quieting hand against his arm. She interlocked her fingers together as if she needed a physical reminder to keep her hands to herself.

“Sam, why don’t you go find Beth and your brothers? I’ll be out in a minute,” Noah advised.

Sam waved at Chelsie as he bounced away, unaware of the unresolved tension he was leaving behind. She held her hand up in goodbye.

“Sorry,” Noah apologized. He hesitated a moment and then said, “I need to get back to my wife.”

His wife. That word was a tough pill to swallow. Chelsie was happy for Noah and Beth, but she’d be lying if there wasn’t a subtle sting lingering just beneath the surface. Chelsie had wanted Noah to move on, but when he had… well, it prickled a bit. Overall, Chelsie liked Beth. Beth was bubbly, self-confident, and stable – all the things Chelsie was not back then. Beth seemed to bring out the best in Noah, even all those years ago. She was a light in his life, where Chelsie had been a black hole.

This was exactly the way the story was destined to play out. Maybe it wasn’t the ending Chelsie had originally planned, but it was the right ending. It was the necessary ending.

“I – I completely understand,” Chelsie said, her lips drawn in a thin line.

Noah studied her for another moment, almost as if he was questioning her presence. He narrowed his eyes, his brow furrowed and contemplative. Then he walked away.

Chelsie tried to regain her composure. She hadn’t realized her legs were quivering beneath her weight until she began to move. Chelsie was about to tread back over to Lisa, who was awkwardly making small talk with a stranger in the corner of the room, when she felt a strong hand squeeze her upper arm. She whipped her head around, surprised to find Noah standing in front of her again.

“How long are you in town?” he asked. His face was still unreflective as to what he may be feeling.

Chelsie, on the other hand, was an open book. She was flustered. She chewed on her bottom lip as she often did when she was nervous. “Um… I leave tomorrow morning,” she told him.

Noah nodded his head, her response sinking in. “Have a drink with me tonight.”

“What?”

“Ernie’s. Can you meet me at seven?”

Chelsie was at a loss for words. “You’re… married.”

Noah shook his head. His gold wedding band caught the light as he ran a hand through his chestnut hair.  “No, I don’t mean it like that. I just want to talk. Beth knows.”

Beth knows? Noah’s wife knows he wants to take his ex-lover out for drinks… and she’s okay with that?

“Noah, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I feel like maybe we should keep the past in the past.”

“Damnit, Combs, you owe me this.” Noah glanced around the room, checking to see if anyone had heard him. He pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned in closer. “Please. I just want to talk. But this is not the place.”

The sound of her last name on his tongue made her stomach flutter. Her hands felt clammy as she wrung them together, her normally disciplined thoughts running rampant through her brain. Chelsie wondered what they could possibly say to each other that would change anything.

Maybe that wasn’t the point. Maybe Noah needed closure. Maybe she needed closure. Maybe, someday, she could fall asleep at night and not be drawn back into a world of Sunday morning pancakes and a perpetual vision of what might have been.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll see you at seven.”

Noah seemed taken aback, as if he’d already resigned himself to her rejection. “Good. Thanks.”

Then he was gone, the familiar scent of his sandalwood cologne lingering behind.

Chelsie jumped when a hand tapped her shoulder. She turned to find Lisa standing there with a look of empathy on her face.

“Are you ready to go?” Lisa asked.

Chelsie nodded. “I’m ready.”

They made their way out of the funeral home and back into the chilly New York air. The sun had begun to peek through the gray clouds and Chelsie chuckled to herself at the symbolism. Noah had returned to his family and circle of friends outside the doors. His hand was gently rubbing Beth’s back as she fumbled with a blanket inside the stroller. Chelsie could spy two tiny feet poking out and wiggling furiously, as if trying to break free from their confinement.

Beth looked up at that moment, catching Chelsie’s eye. They both seemed to freeze for an instant, the two of them equally unprepared for such a correspondence.

Beth was extraordinarily pretty. Her features were so delicate, one would be unable to imagine her angry or enraged. She was the epitome of grace and composure. Becoming a mother of three boys had not aged her one bit – there was not a single wrinkle to be seen on her slender face. Her eyes were auburn, matching the freckles on the bridge of her nose. There was no animosity behind her gaze. There was no look of superiority or arrogance.

There was only acceptance.

Chelsie smiled, as if to give her blessing – as if to say, ‘I’m happy for you both’. Beth returned the friendly exchange, then turned her attention to the stroller.

Chelsie felt Lisa give her hand a soft squeeze as they continued their walk down the path to the parking lot. “Let’s go, Chelsie. I’ll give you a ride back to your hotel.”