Out of Character by Annabeth Albert

Chapter Twenty

Milo

Jasper wanted me to come back with him, and I had to pause so that I didn’t echo the solid “Hell yes” my body was giving to that idea. Too eager wouldn’t be cool, so I took a breath.

But before I could speak, Jasper added, “Not for that. I wouldn’t want you to feel pressured…”

“I don’t,” I said a little too quickly. If anything, I was now worried about being the one doing the pressuring. “And I don’t want to put you out. I can deal with my stupid roommates.”

“You’re not putting me out. I have one of those chairs that unfolds into a spare bed. I slept there last time Kellan and Jasmine had a fight. It’s not bad.” Jasper’s voice was as quick as his strides on the way back to the car.

“Okay.” So much for my idea of going somewhere and parking. Screw James and Luther. There was now a very weird vibe between Jasper and me after such a nice, cozy evening where it had felt like we were dancing toward…something, and I had no idea how to fix things.

Jasper drove the short distance back to the university, parking in the same lot where I’d dropped him off last time. The campus was cold and quiet, Saturday night fun all probably happening off campus. Like at James and Luther’s place. I barely avoided growling out loud at the thought.

“Am I going to get you in trouble with dorm rules?” I asked as he found a parking spot.

“No. This is the oldest of the upper-class dorms. I think sometimes the college forgets that they haven’t demolished the building yet. And there’s an RA, but he’s cool. No sign-in sheets or anything like how the freshman dorms have.”

“Cool.” Needing to feel useful, I grabbed one of Jasper’s deck bags once we were out of the car. “Lead the way.”

“Heck. I forgot to tell you.” Stopping short of the door, he glanced down at my leg. “No elevator. This building is old.”

“I’ll be fine.” Four flights of stairs later, I was less sure, but no way was I going to complain about pain now.

Jasper’s room was on the top floor, at the end of a narrow hallway that snaked its way around, vintage wall sconces and dark colors making me feel like we were in some old and musty castle. The lock, however, was the newer kind and Jasper used his key card to let us in to a little room. It wasn’t that much bigger than mine, but size was the only similarity. Color was everywhere—bedding advertising a popular movie franchise, a mountain of pillows, an overflowing bookcase, and tons of posters for Odyssey and other games and movies.

“No comments on my superhero bedding.” His laugh lacked some of his usual certainty.

“Nah. I dig it. I was going to say that your room is way neater than I expected.” I toed my shoes off, leaving them next to his by the door. I liked how they looked lined up together.

“Tell that to my mom.” A pink stain spread up his neck. “And…uh…I might have cleaned up some this morning.”

“You were planning?” Maybe there was hope for more kissing after all.

“Not planning. But I figured I’d show you the place at some point.” Jasper shrugged, his deliberately casual tone as hard to read as his flushed face. Giving up on trying to figure him out, I returned to studying the space, gaze landing on one of the many pieces of paper on the giant corkboard over his desk.

“You kept my Neptune drawing?”

“Well, duh. It’s good. It might be a collector’s item someday.”

“Thanks.” The amount of faith he had in my talent was almost enough to make me think something could actually come of my doodling. I pulled my mini sketchbook out of my coat pocket. “You…uh…want to see what I was working on while I waited for you?”

“Of course. And give me your coat.” Jasper threw both our coats on his desk chair while I found the right page. Returning to my side, he peered over my shoulder. “It’s the Frog Wizard! In a tux with tails?”

“I was thinking about the costume ball,” I admitted. I’d drawn the wizard with the mask on and amphibian features. No way was I ready for Jasper to see how I drew him. “I figured he’d wear one of those old-fashioned tuxedos, like on the Titanic or something. Definitely the tails and a bow tie.”

“Hmm. Maybe Kellan can rig me a tie for the occasion. Can I show him the drawing? Please?”

“Yeah.” So far, Jasper’s crowd seemed far cooler than mine. Kellan was kind of a big teddy bear of a guy, Jasmine was sweet, and Conrad and Alden were nice if a little protective of Jasper. And the two professors were like the sort of grandpas everyone would love to have—lots of food, funny stories, and genuine support. They made me miss my dad, or rather the dad I wished he’d been more often.

“You’re so good at this.” For a second, Jasper rested his hand on my back, head falling to my shoulder, but then he seemed to remember himself and straightened. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I said softly.

“Anyway, it’s late.” His voice was too bright and too fast. “And I’m going to take the chair bed thing because of your leg—”

“Which is fine. Not hurting,” I lied.

“I’m also shorter than you and it’s kind of narrow. Like a kindergarten nap mat, really.”

“Then—”

“I insist.” He steered me toward the bed, then dropped his hands all fast again.

“Jasper?” I turned to face him. This weirdness had to end.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want the chair bed?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ve slept there before.” More of that fake cheer, and I wasn’t ruling out the possibility of needing to shake him.

“Sure. But do you want that? Because I’d be cool with sharing.” My gaze was stapled to his mouth and cool was a vast, vast understatement.

“Oh. Uh. I’m trying really hard here to be a good guy.” Swallowing audibly, he glanced away.

“You are a good guy.” I rested my hands lightly on his shoulders. “And I get that you’re working overtime on the whole consent-is-sexy thing and to make sure I don’t feel pressured just because I need a place to crash, but…” Licking my lips, I let my voice trail off as my courage started to ebb.

“But?” The hopeful curiosity in his voice functioned like a shot of bravery to my soul, made me pull him closer.

“But.” Dipping my head, I brushed my lips over his. “You promised me more kissing practice. And I waited twenty-two years to kiss you the first time. I’d rather not miss another opportunity.”

“You make it hard to do the right thing,” he whispered, face still close enough for me to feel his breath.

“Maybe stop trying. Maybe do what you want instead of what you think you should.”

“I’m more concerned about you and what you truly want. And need. But this…” He ghosted a kiss across my mouth. “This is what you want?”

Everything. I want everything.Unable to speak, I could only nod. And then he was leaning in again, mouth finding mine, and it was sweet and soft and perfect. His hesitance was still there, and in a way it contributed to the perfection. No one had ever treated me so carefully, so gently, and the pressure in my chest grew with every pass of his lips. I seriously didn’t know how to process this level of tenderness, but all I knew was that I wanted more. All of it. I wanted everything.

This time when he pulled back, questions still in his eyes, I chased after him, claiming another kiss before I found my words. “You are a good guy, you know? The best guy. And even good guys get to have fun sometimes. If you want that, I mean…” I let my voice trail off, suddenly unsure again.

“I want you.” He squeezed my upper arms. “No question there. But—”

“No but.” I was practically levitating at his admission, mood soaring. He wanted me. Everything else could figure itself out. “I want you too. And you make me want to be a better person. More like you. And that has to count for something, right?”

“It does.” He gave me another soft kiss, this one lingering, evolving into a deeper exploration as our tongues tangled. We shuffled closer to the bed, and my sketchbook hit the floor. I’d never wanted anything this badly in my whole life. Not making varsity soccer, not winning my athletic scholarship, nothing compared to how much I wanted him. He swept his hands up and down my back, and I stretched into the contact, preening like a cat and no longer caring about playing it cool.

“Milo?” Jasper’s voice was all husky and low and made heat unfurl low in my gut. “I really don’t want the chair bed.”

“Good.” I interrupted him with another pass of my mouth, putting all the warmth flowing through me into the kiss.

“Wow. You make me feel like I chugged a two-liter of soda.”

My head tilted as I considered him. “Like you might puke or like you might never sleep again?”

“Definitely not puking.” He laughed and tugged me the rest of the way to the bed. “More like my heart won’t stop racing.”

“Mine either,” I admitted as I sat next to him on the edge of the bed. “But, like, I’m the one who should be worried. You’ve done this before.”

“Not with you.” His eyes were so serious that my nervous laugh died in my throat. Instead, all I could do was press another kiss to his mouth and hope he understood how much his words meant to me. How much he meant. And maybe he got the message because he kissed me back with an urgency that hadn’t been there before. Eventually we tumbled backward. Between the sheer number of pillows and the narrow width of the bed, there wasn’t a ton of room, and he ended up half on top of me.

“This okay?”

“Uh-huh.” In fact, if it got any more okay, I might seriously expire of happiness, but I couldn’t find all those words and simply kissed him instead. He used his tongue again, which let me do my new favorite thing on earth and mimic him. Every time his tongue brushed mine, my body surged like I’d scored on a penalty kick, crowd roaring, adrenaline spiking.

I’d waited for this. For him. Even if I hadn’t quite known why, I’d waited. I’d denied myself this because deep down I didn’t think I deserved it, but when Jasper kissed me like this, I felt…worthy. Like this whole trying-to-be-a-better-person thing mattered and like it might truly be possible. Because anything that felt this good had to mean that I was doing something right.

He kissed my jaw and my ears and my neck, and I did the same for him until we were both breathless and moving together, him pressed tightly against me now.

“I want to touch you.” He rested his hand on my chest, right over my pounding heart. “Can I touch you?”

“Uh-huh. Whatever you want.” And I meant it. I had no agenda of my own other than to be what he wanted, what he needed.

However, this was Jasper, and he didn’t take, even though I offered. His generous nature probably had no clue about how to be selfish. Instead, he gave. More kisses, now accompanied by touches which were at first gentle and barely there grazes of his fingertips and then bolder. Pausing to meet my gaze, he waited for me to nod before snaking a hand under my sweatshirt and past my T-shirt to find bare skin.

I groaned. Or maybe he did. I was losing track.

“I want to do it too,” I whispered.

“Oh, yeah.” He sat up enough to pull his hoodie off, and I took the hint and did the same. Game on. My body hummed, that rush of adrenaline back a thousandfold when our bare torsos connected. We kissed and touched and explored, and not even the roar of a packed stadium could compete with how good he made me feel. His little groans and gasps were the best reward ever, making me feel both deeply connected, rooted to this place and time, and weirdly restless.

“Want…” I wasn’t sure precisely what, only that I needed in a way that I’d never needed before.

“Yes.” He didn’t seem to be in the same hurry as me, giving me another leisurely kiss.

“Help me out here,” I groaned when he let me up for air. “This is the part where I don’t know what comes next.”

“You, hopefully.” His grin was downright wicked, and I loved that he could somehow still tease while we were both so wound up.

“You first.” Now I knew exactly what I wanted. Sure, I wanted pleasure for myself, but more so for him. I wanted to see, to touch, to experience, and I wanted all of it for him.

“This?” He skated a hand across my waistband, then over my straining zipper.

“Uh-huh.” I repeated the gesture to him, loving how it made him groan low and soft. Our slower pace evaporated in a cloud of good and better and best sensations piling on each other as we explored and touched. Faster kisses now. More urgent hands. We shimmied out of our jeans, some silent agreement driving us on. Suggestions, then requests, then demands were whispered between us. He touched me and I touched him, and somewhere in between endless kisses, I discovered that I did know what to do after all.

“Need…” he panted against my lips.

“Anything.” Joy coursed through me because this I could give him, this I could do and apparently do well enough to have him groaning, eyes fluttering shut. Watching his face was like reading cue cards, learning what worked and getting instantly rewarded for my efforts.

“It’s too good.”

“No such thing.” I managed a laugh that ended on a moan as he did something new with his thumb.

“Gonna…”

“Me too.” My whole body shuddered as he claimed my mouth for another kiss, this one desperate and seeking.

“Yes.” Our groans mingled as our bodies tensed. The whole world burned bright, everything illuminated but also every detail reduced to simply this moment, this beautiful, bright second when together we were more than I’d ever been alone.

“Milo.” Eyes blinking open but still breathing hard, Jasper touched my face almost as if he were seeing it for the first time.

“I’m here.” My ability to make sense, however, was not. But what I wanted to say was that this was real, not imagination, and the fact that I was here seemed to be the single most startling thing in my whole life.

“We’re kind of a mess.” He gave a shaky laugh.

“Luckily, you like mess.” My grin was probably rather dorky, but I was too happy to care. “And it’s mainly on us, not your bedding or your nine hundred pillows.”

“Hey, don’t knock my pillows.” Still laughing, Jasper stretched, managing to retrieve a towel from his dresser without leaving the bed. “I like studying in bed. They keep me comfy.”

“Yeah, well, you have me to cuddle with tonight.” I accepted the towel and followed his lead in cleaning up. “Maybe a few of your stuffed friends could hang out on the chair you’re not going to be using.”

“Okay, okay.” Jasper tossed two at the chair in the corner, then I did the same, and then we both collapsed in a fit of laughter because it was like a very silly, very naked pillow fight. I took advantage of having a little more room in the bed to tickle him lightly until he was back on top of me, pinning my hands down.

“You’re mean.” He chuckled and his eyes danced, but my chest tightened.

“No, I’m not. Not anymore. I don’t want to be mean ever again.”

His expression sobered before he brushed a soft kiss over my mouth. “I believe you. Even though I probably shouldn’t. But I want to believe that you’ve changed.”

“I have. I am. Feels like one of those videos where they go from black and white to color to make a point. Like…the old me didn’t even have a clue as to how much he was missing, not really. But now I’ve seen what could be possible, and there’s no way I want to go back to a grayscale life.”

“It’s not going to be easy.”

“Nothing worth having ever is.” I echoed one of Bruno’s favorite sayings as my pulse sped up again. Jasper was right. This wasn’t going to be simple. Or easy. I could still end up screwed. And I still had to deal with all the dumb stuff the old me had done. Wanting to change didn’t mean I was going to be able to leave any of that behind. All I could do was hope my past wouldn’t steal my present before I had a chance to enjoy it. But there was also no way I wasn’t going to take this chance. And if I gambled big enough, maybe my future would actually be worth having.