Beyond by Katie May

9

Bianaca

Isniffed, pulling away from Beau and wiping at my eyes. I needed to be strong, to not fall apart. There were cracks in my armor I doubted I’d ever be able to fill up, but I was determined not to let that weakness show. I would hold my chin up high, despite my eyes being rimmed in red and puffy from crying.

Dylan would not break me. Not his memory nor his monster. Not the demons that plagued my sleep. Not the disgusting feeling of his hands on my body, holding me down as I writhed and wept.

The first time he raped me happened when I was sixteen, right at this gym.

Eric Lang, the owner and a longtime friend of mine, had left for the day. I was the only gymnast he’d given the key to, with the stipulation that I lock up after myself.

I always thought the old man knew more about my situation than he’d let on, though I didn’t know if that made him a savior or another monster. If he knew about the abuse and malicious touches, then why didn’t he put a stop to them? Maybe the world was made up of nothing but cowards, all of them seeing the injustice in the world but too scared to act on it. It was that mentality that made society evil. It was a different type of evil than what I associated with Dylan, mainly because it was culpability disguised as ignorance. You couldn’t be innocent if your self-interest and self-preservation prohibited you from helping others. It was insidious because it was intentionally negligent, not because you held wicked aspirations.

The day Dylan raped me, I’d assumed I was alone when I began practicing my floor routine.

I wasn’t.

Dylan was there, a disgusting mold I could only dream of eradicating from my life. He’d watched me through the glass windows, probably jerking himself off, before he crept inside my sanctuary and tarnished it with sin. He’d ripped my leotard down the middle and did things no child should have to endure, especially not by the hands of someone who, for all intents and purposes, was supposed to love and protect her.

I burned that leotard the very next day.

I’d lived in fear of Dylan since then. Every night, he would sneak into my bedroom. He was never quiet, but nobody stopped him. Not my step-father, with his bulging belly and receding hairline. Not my elfin mother, who’d appeared paler and paler as the days dragged on, as if she were the one getting destroyed every damn day.

Nobody, that was, until I ran into Beau—

Once again, the memory slipped through my fingers like ice-cold water. I knew with unwavering certainty that the second I captured it, I would have the final piece of this macabre puzzle. I would finally understand how I ended up here, in Purgatory. How Beau and Dylan ended up here with me. Until then, I was left with nothing but blurry images that no amount of rearranging could make clear.

On shaky legs, feeling oddly like the Little Mermaid learning to walk for the first time, I moved towards the others. I kept my head down, my blonde hair falling in front of my face, and refused to make eye contact. Despite that, I could feel their gazes penetrating my scalp, demanding my attention.

Aiden cleared his throat first. “B…”

“Don’t,” I said, cutting him off. A giant knot of nerves got caught in my throat, and I coughed to alleviate some of the tension. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You did it, Bianaca.” Heath’s voice was devoid of its usual mirth and levity. He sounded uncharacteristically somber as he rested a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “We can move on to the next circle.”

I struggled to form words, but they failed me. I couldn’t even lift my head to meet the dark gaze I could feel aimed my way. The only thing keeping me grounded was Beau’s presence at my back, his heat migrating into my own body. I wanted to turn around and throw myself into his arms once again, but I didn’t. Couldn’t.

I repeated my new mantra in my head.

Dylan did not break me. I’m still here, still alive, still fighting.

He won’t ruin me.

“How do we get to the next…circle?” a tiny voice questioned. Kelly. I wanted to reassure her that everything was okay, that I was okay, but I couldn’t find my voice.

Instead of answering in words, Heath moved away from me. I lifted my head just enough to see him stroll out of the gym and back into the lobby. He paused, waiting to see if we were following him, and his dark eyes locked on mine.

His expression…

I couldn’t quite read it.

There were a thousand words emanating from his eyes, some of them screaming louder than others. It was a myriad of pain and shock and a blinding rage that had my mouth popping open in shock. Heath was the last person I expected to be indignant on my behalf. Sometimes, I thought he hated me, while other times, I could see the lust sparking in his dark gaze.

But just because he lusted for me did not mean he was on my side. On anyone’s side, really, except his own.

“Come on.” His brown loafers squeaked against the clean tiling as he exited the gym. Kelly, her men, and Maria followed him, but Kace, Aiden, Tanner, and Beau remained behind.

Staring at me.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Tanner murmured out of the corner of his mouth.

I physically forced my shoulders back and tilted my chin upwards. Tears burned my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. I fucking refused to. I’d shed enough tears because of Dylan Holebroke today.

“I will be,” I answered honestly.

Taking a deep breath, I hurried out of the gym and into the brisk night air.

I stopped the second my feet hit the asphalt, shock forcing my mouth open as I blinked rapidly.

“What the…?”

A single street light illuminated the parking lot outside of the gym, its golden glow unable to reach the farthest corner.

And besides that? Darkness. Nothing but darkness spread as far as the eye could see.

It was an unnatural type of darkness. When you went outside at night, there was usually a star or two in the sky, illuminating your surroundings in a pasty white glow. Or maybe there was a sliver of moon. And even when the sky was devoid of a moon or stars, there was always some sort of light. Light from a nearby building or a window. Light from a town. Light from a candle.

But here? There was nothing. Blankets of pitch spread in all directions, not a single light breaking apart the monotony of darkness.

“What the fuck?” Tanner cursed from behind me.

Heath pointed towards something in the distance. My eyes strained to see the object, but I could only distinguish a tiny speck of white.

“The next circle,” he explained, dropping his arm to his side and removing his backpack. Before any of us could comment, he dropped to the ground with an audible “oomf.”

“We have to cross through all of this darkness to get there?” Maria’s voice trembled, and she wrapped her arms around her stomach. An unhealthy green tint had taken over her face, making her cheeks look even more sallow and gaunt than before.

“Which is why we’ll settle here for a bit. Rest, eat, and recharge.” He used his backpack as a makeshift pillow and reclined against it, his legs spread out in front of him.

Aiden gave him a disbelieving look. “Shouldn’t we keep moving?” As if in answer to his question, something squawked in the darkness, followed immediately by a roar that had goosebumps pebbling on my skin. Terror cascaded over me in an ice-cold tsunami, though Heath appeared relatively unperturbed.

“Once we’re in the darkness, we won’t be able to stop and rest.” His frosty gaze shifted to include everyone, not just Aiden. “Bianaca just endured something so fucking traumatic, I’m surprised she hasn’t fallen over. She needs a damn minute before we continue on. Especially since the other circles will only get worse.”

I opened my mouth to protest, to tell him that I didn’t need to be coddled, before immediately snapping it shut. Because the truth was…I did. Maybe not coddled necessarily, but I needed a damn break.

Seeing that creature had terrified me, and right then, I was running on nothing but adrenaline. The second the adrenaline faded, I would be useless to them all.

“He’s right,” I whispered. “I need… I just need a second.”

Caleb looked as if he wanted to argue, but Travis, the short one with glasses, shook his head. With a growl, the tall man grabbed Kelly’s wrist and pulled her away from us. The other three followed.

Maria glanced in their direction helplessly, turned towards Beau, and then finally settled her gaze on me. With a heavy sigh, she moved to sit beneath the street light, pulling open her backpack to nibble on an apple.

“Don’t go into the darkness!” Heath called, his tone decidedly lackadaisical. “Unless you want to be eaten by twisted souls!” He ended his warning with a wink in my direction before folding his hands over his chest and closing his eyes. Less than a minute later, soft snores escaped his parted lips.

Beau grabbed my wrist and gently pulled me away from Heath, towards where Kace, Tanner, and Aiden were huddled together. I moved to join their group, my shoulders brushing against Kace’s and Aiden’s.

“I don’t trust him,” Aiden growled out, and I didn’t need eyes to know he was glaring intently at a sleeping Heath.

“I don’t either,” I confessed. My body felt sluggish, unbearably heavy, and before anyone could stop me, I collapsed on the ground. The men stared at me in concern before immediately sitting as well. Kace reached into his backpack and handed me a granola bar and a bottle of water. I took the offerings gratefully, my hand shaking as I attempted to open the wrapper. After my third attempt to peel back the plastic, Aiden hissed, leaned forward, and ripped it open. “Thank you,” I said softly. He nodded in response.

“So what do we want to do about Heath?” Kace whispered, nodding in his direction.

“What can we do?” I shrugged my shoulders helplessly. “Everything he’s said has been the truth so far, right? We need him if we’re going to make it out of this shithole alive.”

“Alive.” Tanner scoffed and reached into his jacket pocket, procuring his favorite lighter. He unclasped it, and a bright red flame lit up the parking lot. “Isn’t that subjective.” It wasn’t a question, though I still felt the need to answer as if it were one.

“We’re still alive.” I placed my hand over his, and he startled, his bright blue gaze lowering to where we connected, my pale skin a contrast to his tan coloring. “If what Heath said is true, which I believe it is, then we’re all still alive.”

“But only barely.” Kace’s voice was nothing but a breathy exhale. A whisper, one that could be lost to the darkness. In the distance, another monster released an ear-shattering roar before immediately cutting off.

A deafening silence permeated the air like a thick storm cloud hovering over us all.

“What will we come back to?” Tanner whispered, swallowing. “I mean, if we make it out of this mess alive…what will we even come back to? Lives where no one cares about us? Pain and suffering? Bodies that we’re trapped in?”

“Fuck, man,” Aiden murmured, shaking his head from side to side.

“I’m serious.” Tanner turned his pained eyes my way. “I have these…these dreams that I’m beginning to think are actually memories.”

“What are they about?” I asked, though a part of me didn’t want to know.

He squeezed his eyes shut, his long lashes pressed tight against his high cheekbones, before reopening them and piercing me with his ocean-blue stare. “Burning,” he whispered hoarsely. “I have memories of myself being burned alive. And…and I don’t know if I want to go back to that. If I want to go back to a body that’s—”

“Hey.” Before I could stop myself, I crawled across the circle and captured his cheeks with both of my palms. “You will get back, and you will survive whatever this fucked-up world has thrown at you.”

“What if it’s not worth it?” he whispered, a single tear sliding down his cheek. “What if all of this is not worth it?”

“It will be,” I promised, though I wasn’t quite sure if I believed it myself.

“What if we don’t remember each other?” Kace piped up, a forlorn expression pulling down his lips. “I mean, I don’t remember you guys in my memories, so I’m beginning to believe that—”

“We will,” I interrupted. “I’ll make sure of that.”

I had no idea how I would, but I was more determined than ever. If I had to drag these men out of here by their hair, then so help me God, that was what I would do. I refused to be alive in a world that didn’t have them in it. We’d come so far together, and trauma like this only brought people closer together. They were a part of me—all of them, even Maria, Kelly, Travis, Brett, Caleb, and Sev. They saw my monster take flesh and supported me while I fought it off. And I imagined we would grow even closer with every circle we completed, every beast we fought, every soul we lost.

“My sister won’t be alive.” I barely heard Aiden, his voice so quiet, I wasn’t sure he meant for anyone to hear.

I glanced over my shoulder, and our shared grief was a tangible thing, shrouding us all in a darkness so pronounced, it rivaled the one surrounding us.

“Aiden…”

“I’m not saying I’m giving up.” His tone was caustic, almost bitter, and his eyes were thin slits. “But…”

“But it begs the question… What are we coming home to?” Kace finished for him.

Silence descended as we all stared at one another, all of us at a loss for words. In the short time I’d known them, these men had come to mean something to me. Even Aiden, with his acerbic wit and narrow-eyed glares.

But Kace was right. What were we coming home to?

And was this entire journey even worth it?