The Fireman I Loved to Hate by Jenna Gunn
Chapter 10
Raina snores. It’s cute, kittenish snoring, but she snores all the same. And I love it. I curled myself around her after we cooled down, and now, her rhythmic breathing has become full snores, or as much as someone her size could really snore.
I can’t sleep. I’m too wired after that. I carefully get out of the bed, grab my clothes, and check on Carmen. Monroe is standing by her box on the counter, and I lunge at him, but before I make contact, I realize he’s licking her. Not eating her. And she seems very happy about it, purring contentedly and leaning up for it. My heart swells and I get dressed.
Carmen will have a good life here with Monroe and Raina. I know I made the right call for her, but it’s still hard to know I’ll be leaving her behind. But will I? If I start dating Raina, then I’ll get to see Carmen, too. Win-win.
I putter around her house for an hour and settle on watching some TV with the cats on the couch. Raina’s house, in spite of the boxes, is cozy. I like my place better, but her couch is more comfortable than mine. I should replace mine. Or move in here, some intrusive voice in the back of my mind shouts. I shake my head at myself for thinking about such a thing. We haven’t even been on a real date. It is way too soon to be thinking such things.
Still, I think as I pet the cats, I am very comfortable here. I could get used to life with cats. Whoa, where did that come from?
“Hey,” a sleepy Raina says from the hallway. She’s in a large navy tee shirt with nothing on her legs. I wish she were wearing my tee shirt. The afternoon light catches her wild curls and makes her head look like she wears a fiery halo.
I smile instantly. “Hey there.”
“Carmen okay?”
“She and Monroe seem to be making friends.”
She half-smiles and stands near the couch. “He likes everyone. Even when he shouldn’t.”
“That how he lost the leg?”
“I don’t know how he lost it. I found him like that.”
“Well, I don’t think he needs it. He seems to get everywhere without it.”
She sort of chuckles, but I can see something is on her mind. “Alex, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Go ahead.”
“I can’t keep doing this with you.”
All the warm thoughts I had turn to ice in my veins. “What are you talking about?”
“This,” she shakes her head and looks away, “needs to be the last time.”
I pet Carmen for what feels like the last time I’ll probably ever see her, then stand up. “There is something good between us, Raina. Something real. So, give me a decent reason, and I’ll never bother you again.”
She sighs, then says, “I don’t know if it’s a decent reason, but it’s the only one I have. You’re too modern for me.”
An involuntary sharp laugh pops out of me. “In all my years of dating, I have never heard that. It’s not a decent reason, but at least it’s unique.”
“You’re nothing like the men I write about, Alex. You’re kind and sweet, and that doesn’t do anything for me.”
“It did plenty for you in bed, and need I remind you, you’re the one who keeps jumping me?”
She rolls her eyes and says, “Look, you seem like a really good guy, but I’m not-”
“Looking for a really good guy?”
“Just let me finish,” she snaps. “It’s hard to explain, but modern guys…they’re so sensitive. I need a guy who won’t take any guff, who chops wood, and who can build a log cabin. A guy who will hold me, instead of asking me why I need to be held. I just need a guy who-”
“Raina, you might think that’s what you’re looking for, but what you’re really looking for is an excuse to not let anyone in.”
“That’s not true, Alex. But whoever I let in, he needs to be strong for me. I need a guy who doesn’t play amateur psychiatrist every time I have a problem.”
I pegged her all wrong, and it makes me sad. I’m sad for me, but I’m even sadder for her. “You think you want a lumberjack who doesn’t listen, but all I hear is a woman who is scared to be close to a man. I don’t know who hurt you. But I’m not going to be the guy who tries to make up for what he did.” I get to the door, before I tell her, “If you’re as smart as I think you are, your going to regret this one day. I hope you get whatever it is you think you want out of life. But you’re worth more than that.” I slam her door behind me and immediately regret it. I didn’t want to scare Carmen.
-
I drive home but can’t get out of my truck. I don’t want to be in my empty apartment. No Carmen. No other living thing. Just my PlayStation and books. I should get a plant. A cactus, so I don’t have to worry about it when I’m gone for two weeks at a time.
I go to the hardware store and look at the cactus, but none of them are calling out to me. I don’t actually want a cactus. I want answers. I want to know why Raina is so prickly about dating me. Then I see it.
It’s short and skinny, with spines in every direction. The navy blue pot is nice and oversized so it can grow. There’s no label, and the stock boy doesn’t know what kind it is. But there’s something about it that I like. I get her home and find a spot in a window. When the sunlight hits the needles, they gleam, and everything hits me.
I bought a Raina cactus.
I need help. I drive out to Bridges’ house. He’s the smartest guy I know when it comes to women, and I need a professional. When I finally pull into his driveway, I look around.
The Bridges household was on the edge of town. Their nearest neighbor was an acre away, and I envied his privacy. The blue house was a two-story with a white front porch and a two-car garage. There were tall oaks in the yard, perfect for climbing. His wife, Steph, has been working on their flowerbeds for years, but I can see crumpled plants where some of the kids must have been playing.
When I enter the front porch, there’s a child’s rocking chair that wasn’t there the last time I visited. I ring the bell and hear child squeals inside. Then, Bridges, holding a squirming toddler, answers. “Hey, man, come on in.” I scrape my boots on the mat and come into their entryway. “Everything all right?”
“Just need to talk.”
He nods knowingly, then sets the toddler to his feet. “Luke, go tell Mom we’ve got company.”
The little man enthusiastically says, “Yes, Sir,” before he runs toward the backyard on chubby toddler legs.
“Do you have time to talk? I know I showed up without calling, I’m sorry for that-”
“Don’t worry about at thing, man. Lose the shoes and we’ll go to the living room. The kids are mostly playing everywhere else. I’ll grab some beers and we’ll talk.”
I untie them and follow him to the kitchen. “How is the kitten?”
“Great. Madelyn’s taken charge of him, so he’s growing like a weed. Here you go,” he hands me a beer can and we retire to the living room. His ten-year-old daughter takes after her dad-smarter than anyone wants to give her credit. I’m sort of glad she’s busy with her mom right now. Knowing Madelyn, she could solve the problem without batting an eye, and I don’t need a kid making me feel dumber than I already do. He went on, “She and Luke argued what to name him.”
“What did they decide?”
“Cheese.”
“Because he’s orange?” Like Monroe.
He nods. “I think Maddie caved into Luke because she wants him to be happy.”
“She’s a good kid.”
“She’s the best daughter I could ask for. And I don’t think you’re here to talk about how awesome my kids are. Spill it, Whitmore.”
I sigh. “You remember that girl I told you about? Raina Groves?”
“The lemonade girl, the one you were dumb enough to nail during your shift?” Judgment is riding high on his tone.
“That’s the one.” I shake my head at myself.
“What did you do, and please tell me, it was not during your shift.”
“Not on my shift. Not this time…” I assure him. “Actually, I saw her today.”
He sighs dramatically, then asks, “It’s been a couple weeks since you saw her last, right?”
I nod. “Not since I got Carmen.”
“And what were you doing there?”
“Giving her Carmen.”
“You gave her your cat?” He was confused.
“Her cat, now,” I correct him. “I can’t take care of a kitten. Not the way she deserves to be taken care of. And I can’t keep dumping her on Cap when I have to go on a call. I was lucky he was so understanding the first couple of times.”
“Or is it that you hate cats?” he asked with a teasing look.
“I don’t hate Carmen.” Or Monroe.
He gasps, “Alex Whitmore, Cat Hater, has been reformed?”
I roll my eyes. “Whatever, man, Carmen is cute.”
“She is,” he nodded. “So, what happened when you took her to Raina?”
“We kissed…”
“And…” He knew me too well.
“Other…stuff.”
“Mm, hmm,” Bridges gave me a sly look. “You banged her again, didn’t you?”
“It was so much more than that.”
“Oh.” He peered into my eyes and I had to look away. “You’ve got it bad, don’t you?”
He’s not wrong. I tell him all about the encounter, very glad the children and Steph were not there to hear it. “…and then she tells me that I’m too modern for her.”
“What’s that mean?”
I laugh angrily, “You’ve got me. She said she wants a guy who splits wood and can build a log cabin and-”
“She wants a lumberjack?”
“That’s what it sounded like to me.”
He laughs. “Never thought I’d hear a woman complain that a firefighter wasn’t manly enough for her.”
“Same,” I nod. “She writes those historical romance novels and wants a hero from one of them. I’m not that guy, according to her.”
“She sounds like a lot of trouble, just to get laid.”
I shrug. “It had started to feel like more than that. Guess I was wrong.”
“If you really like her, Whitmore, you have to let her come to you. She’s already said she’s done with you, so if you go after her now, it would be-”
“Pathetic. Desperate. Exactly what I am.”
Bridges laughs from his gut. “And that is definitely not what a lumberjack would do.”
I roll my eyes. “I never thought I’d be competing with a fictional fantasy man.”
“We all are, bro, haven’t you figured that out by now?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Every woman, man, person, we all grow up with this idea in our heads about who we want to be with. Over time, we mold them to fit our life at that stage, and we project them onto whoever is around when we’re ready for a relationship.” He shrugs. “Sounds like hers are better imagined than most, but we all do it. You can’t live up to her fantasy lumberjack, and she can’t live up to your fantasy of a realistic woman.”
It stings, but it’s the medicine I needed. “Thanks, Bridges.”
“Don’t sound so sad. I can always hook you up with my cousin, Jenny.”
I shake my head. “Need some time to sort through all of this. But thanks.” Truth is, his cousin Jenny is as tall and wide as Bridges himself. “I’m gonna head out, if that’s all right.”
“You need time to think, I get it. But if you don’t say hi to Steph, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
I grin. “Let’s go.”
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