The Spark by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 22
Autumn
“It’s nice to see you, Autumn.” Dr. Lillian Burke folded her hands on top of the notebook on her lap. “You look really well. You’ve let your hair grow longer.”
I reached up and twirled a strand of my hair. “Yeah, just more that winds up in a bun on the top of my head, I suppose.”
“So how are things going? Are you still working for social services?”
“I am, and I still love it.” I smiled. “Best decision you ever helped me make.”
Lillian smiled. “I’m thrilled to hear that. We spend more time at our jobs than we do with loved ones, so it’s important to enjoy what we do.”
“I’m actually working toward my PhD now. I don’t think I’d started that when we last spoke. I was thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve been here while I was in the waiting room. I thought it was two years, but I think it’s been more like three.”
“It has. Next month will be three years, actually. I had to look myself earlier. But congratulations on your schooling. We’d talked about you wanting to become a therapist, but you hadn’t yet begun a program. That’s fantastic.”
“I’ve taken it slow, part time, but I’m getting there. I should graduate after two more semesters. Honestly, I think part of the reason I stopped coming to see you is because I felt like I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet if I was going to be sitting in your chair at some point.”
“We’ve discussed this. Therapists have therapists. It’s not only okay, it’s encouraged in this profession.”
I nodded. “I know. I think I just needed to feel like I could survive without you. Now that I know I can, I don’t feel like it’s an issue anymore.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear you feel like you can survive without me. Although I never had any doubts.”
“Thanks.”
“So tell me what’s going on in your life. How are things with your father?”
“About the same. He’s getting married in a few weeks…again. He showed up at my apartment last night because I hadn’t sent back the response card, and I’d been avoiding his calls because I didn’t want to debate my not wanting to go to the wedding.”
Lillian smiled. “Seems like I didn’t miss much on that front.”
“Definitely not. Married. Divorced. Rinse. Repeat.”
“And you? Are you still taking Ambien to help you sleep at night?”
“My regular doctor has been bugging me to try to wean off, like you always did. But, yeah. I still need them to sleep.”
She nodded.
“Did you know dolphins sleep with one eye open?”
“Do they?”
“It’s called unihemispheric sleeping. The right eye closes when the left side of the brain sleeps, and the left closes when the right sleeps. They can’t fully sleep because they need to remember to breathe.”
Lillian smiled. “I’ve missed your random facts. But since you aren’t, in fact, a dolphin, I still think weaning off might be a good thing.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I know.”
“How about your personal life? Is there someone special these days? Dating anyone?”
“I’m not dating anyone. I was, but I ended it recently.”
“Why did you end it?”
“I felt bad because I have growing feelings for someone else.”
“Oh…” Lillian picked up her pen from the end table and wrote something down in her book. “I’d have to look back in my notes, but I’m pretty sure this is the first time you’ve mentioned having feelings for someone. Obviously we’ve talked about men you’ve dated, but you usually use words like compatible or having fun to describe your relationships, not feelings. I’m excited to hear you’re interested in someone you have an emotional connection with. The woman who sat across from me a few years ago would’ve run the other way if her heart got invested in a man.”
I smiled. “Well, I sort of did. It’s a long story, but I met Donovan last year. We have the same luggage, and I grabbed his and not mine at the airport. We met to exchange bags, and we hit it off and had coffee. Coffee led to dinner, and dinner led to an amazing weekend.”
“That sounds a bit like fate, almost a fairytale.”
I nodded. “Except me being me, when the ball was over, I turned into a pumpkin and ran away.”
“Did you happen to leave a glass slipper behind?”
I shook my head. “Definitely not—although he says he went back to the coffee shop where we’d met for a few weeks after, hoping to see me. So I guess he was trying to be Prince Charming. But you know I’ve perfected the art of avoidance, so we didn’t run into each other again for almost a year. He wound up being the attorney for one of my kids. I walked into the police station one evening, and there he was.”
“Oh, wow.” She smiled. “Sounds like fate wasn’t accepting what you were doing. Tell me about this man. You said his name is Donovan?”
I nodded. “Well, he’s the opposite of most men I’ve dated. From the outside, you wouldn’t think so. He’s smart, successful, wears nice suits, and went to an Ivy League school. But underneath the exterior, he’s so much more. He grew up with less than nothing, so he’s worked extra hard to be where he is, and that makes him much tougher than anyone I’ve ever dated. The men I date are usually sort of soft on the inside, whereas Donovan is made of steel. I’m extremely attracted to that inner strength.”
“He sounds wonderful. Usually when you’d tell me about a man you were dating you’d mention his physical attributes first, then read me his resume. You did neither when you described Donovan. You spoke from your heart.”
“Well, he’s also ridiculously handsome, so there’s that—with a body to die for underneath that crisp dress shirt. He also has lots of tattoos that I find incredibly sexy.” I pointed to my arms. “Look. This is why I didn’t lead with a description. I have goose bumps just thinking about what he looks like.”
Lillian laughed. “Any chance he has an older brother?”
“It’s funny. In a lot of ways, Donovan’s as protective as I am about letting people see what lies beneath. We just have different reasons.”
“But it sounds like he’s let you in.”
I nodded. “He has.”
“Have you shared your past with him?”
I shook my head. “He’s a very perceptive person, so he definitely knows there’s something lurking. But I haven’t spoken to him about…you know.”
“What’s the status of your relationship with Donovan right now? You said you recently broke things off with someone else, but are you and Donovan dating?”
I frowned. “No.”
“Has he asked?”
I smiled sadly. “More than once.”
“I’m guessing you won’t go out with him because you actually like him?”
I nodded and looked down.
“Don’t be ashamed to be afraid, Autumn. Fearing something big is human nature, and we all have fears.”
“I hate how weak I am.”
“Being afraid is not a weakness. Not in the least. Being afraid is a protective instinct we all have, and it’s healthy. Think of it as a home alarm system. Our fears set off a loud warning for people we shouldn’t let in, and that’s a good thing.”
“Yes, but my alarm system wants to keep everyone out.”
Lillian shook her head. “It did at one point. But you’re here. You’re here today, Autumn. That means you’ve already accepted that there’s someone you want to let in. You’re just not sure how to do it because it’s been so long.”
I blew out a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“Over the years, your fears have sabotaged your relationships. You went out with men you knew you had no true emotional connection with. And a year ago you sabotaged things with Donovan because you weren’t ready to take them on. But you’re ready now. You’ve already taken the first step, just by showing up today. You did all the hard work on your own, so now we need to get you the rest of the way.”
“How do I do that?”
“The only way to overcome your fears is to push through the center. You have to embrace what you’re afraid of.”
“But I’ve been dating.”
“You’re not afraid of dating. You’re afraid to give someone your trust again.”
I sighed. “I guess so. I want to trust Donovan. I really do. But I’m not sure how.”
Lillian nodded. “A good place to start might be to tell him about what happened.”
