The Spark by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 24
Donovan
Autumn was quiet as we settled into her apartment.
“Do you want a glass of wine?” she asked.
“Sure, if you’re having some.”
She smiled halfheartedly. “I am definitely having some. Why don’t you get comfortable on the couch, and I’ll grab us two glasses.”
“Thanks.”
Autumn came back a few minutes later. She’d poured the wine and also tied her hair into a messy bun on top of her head and changed into yoga pants and a T-shirt.
She saw me checking her out. “Sorry. I needed to be comfortable.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. I actually love your hair tied up like that.”
She sipped her wine and smiled. “You do? And here I wasted a half hour blowing it out earlier so I’d look nice. All I had to do was not brush it and twist it up into a knot?”
My eyes roamed over her beautiful face. “Your hair is like that in the picture I took of you during the weekend we spent together. After you ghosted me, I looked at it a lot. I’d tell you how often, but it might scare you away again, and I think I’ve fucked up enough for one day.”
Autumn set her wine on the table and laid her hand gently on my knee. “You didn’t fuck up anything today. In fact, you did just the opposite.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll get to that, but first, what picture did you take of me?”
I smiled. “You were standing at the stove in my kitchen. Your hair was all tied up like it is now, and you had on my T-shirt from the day before.”
She shook her head. “I don’t even remember that.”
I dug my cell from my pants pocket, opened the photo app, and scrolled to the folder I kept it in before turning the phone to show her.
Autumn took the cell from my hand and studied it. “I look like a mess.”
“You look beautiful.”
She kept staring. Eventually she sighed. “I don’t agree, but I will say I look happy.”
I took my phone back and glanced at the photo one more time. “I thought you were. I know that weekend I was the happiest I’d been in a long time.”
Autumn’s eyes moved back and forth between mine. I could see something was troubling her. After a while, she took a deep breath, reached for her wine, chugged the entire remainder of the glass, and lifted one knee up onto the couch to face me directly.
“Summer of my senior year in high school, I met Braden. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’d met him a few times over the years, but I didn’t really know him. His dad worked for my dad before they became partners. I thought Braden was cute, but he was a few years older, so he never looked my way other than to say hello until that summer when I was eighteen.”
Autumn stared down into her empty wine glass. I knew from the very first sentence that this story was not going to have a happy ending. But I also knew I needed to hear it, because it was going to fill in a lot of the missing pieces on the Autumn Wilde puzzle I’d been trying to work out for a long time.
I took her empty glass and swapped it with my three-quarters-full one.
She smiled sadly and took another deep breath before continuing. “Braden was in his first semester of law school and was nothing like the boys I’d gone out with in high school. I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and he was so driven and mature, and he was attracted to me for some reason.” She turned her head and stared off for a minute. “When I look back at that first summer, I still don’t see the red flags I missed.” She frowned. “I think that haunts me almost as much as anything else.”
“What happened?”
“Braden and I dated for four and a half years. Things didn’t go bad overnight. We grew really close that first summer. I’d dated before, but it was my first serious relationship. Then I went away to college. I only went to Boston, so it was just a few hours’ drive. I’d come home often, and sometimes Braden would visit me. Once in a while he’d even surprise me and not tell me he was coming. But sometimes I felt more like he was checking up on me, rather than really wanting to see me.”
I definitely didn’t like the direction this was heading. It felt like the ominous music of a horror movie had started playing.
“Anyway…” Autumn wrung her hands together. “Over the years, there was never enough to make an alarm go off—not one single thing anyway.” She shook her head. “Maybe there was, and I was in denial. I don’t know. I’d notice small things—like I’d think his car was following me, but then it would be gone. Sometimes I’d ask him about things I noticed, but his answers were so believable that I just kept chalking it up to my own paranoia. He actually made me feel crazy for thinking he’d have the time or inclination to follow me. Plus, and I know this sounds horrible, but it was an easy relationship. Our fathers were business partners and the best of friends, and I’d made the decision to go to law school, so Braden was able to demystify that entire process.” She shrugged. “I just… I was very trusting and naïve back then. Too trusting.”
I wasn’t sure what to say or do. It felt like she needed to get something out by taking the long way, rather than cutting to the chase, but damn, my heart was in agony waiting for that other shoe to drop. Still, I stayed quiet.
Autumn finished off the wine in my glass.
“You want some more?” I asked.
She shook her head. “I shouldn’t. I just needed to take the edge off. I promise I’m getting to the end of this story soon.”
I took her hand in mine and squeezed. “Take all the time you need. There’s no hurry.”
She nodded and stared down for a minute again before continuing. “After I was done with college and back home again, more things started to raise red flags. I’d think he was following me, and then I’d catch him in a lie about being at work. He had this way of turning things around and convincing me I felt guilty because I’d been growing distant. I was in law school and meeting new people and wanted some freedom, so he wasn’t wrong. We had been growing apart. But he’d waited four long years for me to move back home. So I felt bad even considering breaking things off, especially because while we were together, he was so good to me. Though once I’d caught him in a few lies, I found it hard to believe anything he said. One day I’d noticed some of my emails marked as read, even though I was positive I’d never opened them. Things started to feel really unhealthy, so eventually I told Braden I needed a break.”
“How did that go over?”
“Better than I expected, at first. But he was convinced I was just stressed from my first year of law school, and it was only a break and we’d get back together.”
“Did you get back together?”
She shook her head. “We kept in touch, but once I’d broken things off, I knew pretty quickly that I’d made the right decision for a lot of reasons.”
“Okay…”
“Once he realized it was over, and I was moving on, strange things started to happen.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I used to study with a small group. One of the people in my group was this guy Mark. One night, we were the last two of our group to leave the library, and when we walked outside, Braden was there. He said he was going in to do some late-night research, but I suspected he’d been following me again. He was polite when I introduced him to Mark, but I could see how angry he was underneath. A few days later, Mark was attacked.”
“By Braden?”
“I was never able to prove it, but that’s what I’ve always suspected. The person attacked him as he walked to his car late one night. But they didn’t even try to take his wallet or his car keys. They came at him from behind, so he never got a look at the guy’s face, and the guy didn’t say a single word during the attack. All Mark was able to tell the police was that the guy had black dress shoes on. Of course, Braden and a few other million men wear dress shoes.”
I raked a hand through my hair. “Jesus.”
“There were other little things, but at that point, I stopped talking to Braden altogether. I wouldn’t answer when he called, and then he’d send me long emails and texts making me feel terrible for the things I was thinking.” She took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. “One night he showed up at my house.”
All of the hair on my arms stood up.
Autumn looked down, and when her head came back up, her eyes were filled with tears. “He said he just wanted to talk. He was crying, and I felt bad. So I let him in.”
I couldn’t breathe waiting for the rest.
Her voice was barely a whisper when she continued. “No one was home. And he…he…raped me.”
I froze. I knew the story was heading to an ugly place, but not here. I guess I’d thought he’d smacked her around and scared her maybe. Not this… I shut my eyes.
“Autumn…” I shook my head. “Fuck. Autumn.”
When I opened my eyes, tears were rolling down her cheeks, so I did the only thing that felt right. I pulled her against me and held her so tight that at one point, I worried I might be hurting her. My own tears fell against the back of her shirt. After a while, she pulled back.
“I want to finish.” She wiped her tears, and then reached out and dried mine. “I made it this far, and I need to get it all out.”
I nodded and swallowed a huge lump in my throat. “You don’t have to. Not for me.”
She nodded. “Thank you. But I need to do it for me.”
God, if I hadn’t already been crazy about this woman, I would be now. I bet she had no idea how strong she was.
For the next half hour, Autumn told me the rest of her story. How she hadn’t immediately gone to the police, because at first she hadn’t seen it for what it was. They’d had sex for years, and even though she’d told him repeatedly to stop this time, she didn’t physically fight him off with more than a shove. Eventually she’d just stilled, too terrified to move, waiting for him to be done. Then when the shock of it all wore off, she felt partially to blame somehow. She’d let him in. She’d accused him of things he might not have done. She’d made him upset—at least that’s how she’d seen it at first.
Then to make matters worse, when she’d finally started to move from shocked to angry and decided to talk to someone, that person wasn’t supportive.
Her father.
Her fucking father.
The asshole had the balls to question whether she could’ve been giving Braden mixed signals. As if there was any other signal that mattered when a woman said no.
By the time she found the courage to go to the police, of course there was no physical evidence left. So it was her word against his—an upstanding member of the legal community with no prior record. And when they interviewed Braden’s friends, he’d either convinced them to lie, or he’d been lying to his buddies all along, because they told the police Autumn had been the one stalking him, that she’d been upset and persistent when he’d broken things off.
The district attorney had said he’d pursue the case, but only after warning her of the likely outcome and how traumatic cases usually were for the victims. I wasn’t surprised since I knew firsthand that DAs didn’t like to go forward on a losing case. Resources were tight, and let’s face it, lawyers didn’t like to mar their records.
Autumn blew out a jagged breath and forced a smile. “Now I’d like to have another glass of wine. Would you like another one? Or actually, would you like your first one since I wound up drinking yours?”
I stood. “Definitely. But I’ll get them. I need to use the bathroom, anyway.”
After I filled two glasses to the brim, I went to splash some water on my face. It felt like I’d just run a marathon, though I’d barely moved from the couch in the last hour. I was physically drained, so I couldn’t even imagine how Autumn felt. As I stood there, it hit me for the first time why she’d decided to tell me everything tonight. I’d been so consumed with her story, I hadn’t taken a moment to realize what might’ve prompted her sharing it. Tonight in the yard had brought memories of being attacked to the surface.
I felt like banging my head against the wall for what a damn idiot I was. Why the hell did I ever bring her to a place like that to begin with, much less tell her to go stand out back for better cell phone reception? I shut my eyes.
What a dumb fuck I am.
I went back to the living room feeling physically sick. Sitting on the couch, my elbows on my knees and head dropped into my hands, I wanted to kick my own ass. “Listen, Autumn, I’m really sorry for what happened tonight.”
“Nothing happened, Donovan.”
“That’s not the point. I should’ve never left you outside alone—not even for a minute. I know the type of trouble that comes in.”
Autumn reached out and took my hand. “If I had called your name, you would’ve been back there in two seconds flat.”
“Yeah, of course, but—”
She squeezed my hand and waited until I looked at her. “I started seeing my old psychiatrist again. I hadn’t been to her in a few years. You know why I went?”
“Why?”
“Because I have trust issues. Big ones. I’ve spent the last few years dating guys I knew I wouldn’t get emotionally invested in because I don’t trust myself to see things coming. Honestly, I didn’t think I was capable of wanting more with a man.”
It wasn’t lost on me that she was talking in past tense—I didn’t think I was capable. Not, I don’t think I’m capable. But after the last few hours, I was afraid to get my hopes up. I needed shit spelled out.
“But now?” I asked.
She smiled. “I like you, Donovan. I always did. In fact, I liked you too much, and that weekend we spent together scared me. They say time heals old wounds. I’m not sure mine will ever fully heal, but I’m tired of letting them control my life. Last year when we met, I wasn’t ready. Full disclosure, I’m not sure I’m fully ready now. I still take sleeping pills just to relax enough to fall asleep at night, and I might not be as trusting as I should be. But I’d like to try, if you’re still interested.”
I smiled. “Is my interest even a question in your mind?”
She bit down on her bottom lip. “Well, I didn’t want to assume.”
“Let me make it crystal clear.” I took both her hands and inched closer on the couch until our knees were touching. “I have never been more interested in a woman in my life. Whether you wanted me or not, you’ve had me for the last year, Autumn.”
She smiled. “We need to take it slow.”
“I can do slow.”
Autumn chuckled. “I’m not sure I believe that. But I do believe you’ll try to do slow.”
“You don’t think I can do slow?”
An hour ago, listening to her story had made my heart feel broken. Now the smile on her face felt like the glue piecing it all back together.
“I’m not sure either of us is too good at slow when it comes to the other.”
“At least we’re not alone in the struggle.” I lifted her hand and brought her palm to my lips. “It won’t be easy, but I’ll try to be less charming.”
She giggled, and another crack in my heart sealed up. “I’m sure that will be tough for you.”
I looked into her eyes. “Thank you for sharing everything with me tonight.”
“Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“Come here.” I tugged her hand, guiding her from the spot next to me on the couch onto my lap. This time when I wrapped her in my arms, it felt different. She wasn’t letting me console her; she was letting me hold her because she wanted me to, and it felt fucking incredible. When I pulled back, our faces were close, and I wanted so damn badly to kiss her, but I refrained—and I was pretty proud of myself.
My hands smoothed down the hair on either side of her face. “I think I might need some ground rules for going slow. All I want to do is kiss you right now, and I’m afraid I’ll fuck up if I don’t have set boundaries.”
She smiled. “Okay. That’s probably a good idea.”
“So lay it on me. How do we do this?”
Autumn tapped her finger to her lips. “I guess we should limit how often we see each other. What about once a week?”
“Three times.”
She laughed. “Oh my God. You just jumped into lawyer mode to negotiate. I feel like I need my own attorney now so I don’t get trampled.”
I smiled. “Sorry. How about two days?”
“I think that’s good.”
“Okay. What else you got?”
“What about if we try not to get into a routine? I feel like that’s what happens when a relationship moves into serious territory. You settle into a day-to-day, familiar predictability. Maybe we could extend what happens at the beginning of dating, where you sort of experiment with where you go and what the other likes.”
I shrugged. “That sounds good to me. I like to try new things, and trying them with you is even better.”
“And we probably shouldn’t make long-term plans. I think keeping things to the immediate future—say, the next few weeks—keeps things lighter.”
“Alright. Anything else?”
She bit down on her lip. “Just one more, I think. But I have a feeling you might not like it.”
“Lay it on me.”
“Well, sex… I didn’t have it for a few years after…you know…and then I only had it without an emotional connection. So, it’s honestly been a long time since I combined the two, and just contemplating that really scares me.”
My face fell, though it had nothing to do with not having sex.
Autumn noticed. “I didn’t… No, that came out wrong. I didn’t mean to say I didn’t have an emotional connection with you the weekend we spent together, if that’s what you’re thinking. Just the opposite, actually. I felt things for you, and that’s why I didn’t want to have actual sex that weekend. I thought that would keep things on some sort of a friendlier level. But even without the sex, what I felt made me run as fast as I could. Which is exactly what I’m trying to avoid happening now by going slow.”
I dragged a hand through my hair, blew out a deep breath, and nodded. “Yeah, of course. Whatever it takes.”
“Thank you. I know I’m asking a lot.”
I ran my fingers down her cheek. “It’s fair. I’m getting a lot in return. You.”
She nuzzled her cheek against my hand. “I think that’s it for my rules. What about you? Anything you want to add?”
“You didn’t mention exclusivity. I don’t think I can take knowing you’re going out with other men at this point.”
She shook her head. “I won’t. Even when I was avoiding relationships that might lead to anything, I didn’t go out with more than one person at a time. It’s just not my thing.”
“Good. Then we’re on the same page.”
“So that’s it?” she asked.
The lawyer in me couldn’t help but think of things in terms of a contract, and one thing I always liked to negotiate for my clients was an out clause. “I’m going to stick to these rules as best I can,” I said. “Because they’re important to you. But the ball’s in your court, Red. If you get to a point where you’re ready to spend more time together, or want to make plans for the future, you just need to let me know.”
She smiled. “Does the same go for if I want to have sex? I just have to let you know?”
A wicked grin spread across my face. “No, sweetheart. For that, you have to do more than let me know. After all this time, I’m going to make you beg.”
