The Iriduan’s Mate by Susan Trombley
Sixteen
Molly noted the sharpening of Shulgi’s gaze at her questioning tone and detected suspicion in his body language as he backed away from her, releasing her wrist. A slight frown touched his shapely lips.
She tried to recall exactly what they’d been talking about, though she’d been so distracted by Shulgi that she’d been hard-pressed to maintain her more professional demeanor. She’d wondered if she’d find him as fascinating this time as she had the other times she’d seen him, and now understood that he was even more so to her. Even just standing in his presence made her stomach flutter with anticipation. She had to concentrate to avoid touching him the way she desperately wanted to. His scent drew her closer to him and she had to fight the urge to press herself against him and inhale deeply until her head spun with it.
With his wings, and his pointed ears, and his inhuman coloring, she realized he looked like some fairytale prince from those tales that humans from Earth told. The fact that he was also handsome beyond what she’d seen from any human male also added to that ethereal, almost magical appearance.
But it wasn’t his looks that drew her to him so strongly. She’d serviced males even more physically appealing than him who had only left her cold and unaffected. It was the core of honor and justice and strength that she sensed within him that made her feel so drawn to him. That core that spoke to her own desire to make the galaxy better and help those who couldn’t help themselves. The core that found cruelty offensive and sought to put an end to it.
He’d been honest about that part of himself from the very first moment they’d met, even when he could have benefited from playing Zaska’s game of corruption and criminal intent by flattering the “boss” to his mouthpiece as so many of Zaska’s clients and business associates did.
Now, he looked disappointed in her, and she struggled to figure out what she’d done as he regarded her with his slight frown, his brows drawing together. She felt panicky as she sensed him withdrawing from her in more than just the physical sense.
“You mentioned ‘love’ in your message, Molly.” He tapped his wrist com. “Or was that only part of the act?”
She gasped, surprised by the sharp pain his bitter tone caused in her heart. “It wasn’t an act, Shulgi,” she said, unable to keep her hurt from her voice. “I do want love.” She blinked rapidly as she spun to turn her back on him, her cloak billowing out around her before settling its weight against her body again. “I just know that such a desire is futile, given my position.”
“Blighted silk,” he muttered in what sounded like a self-directed curse. Then she felt his hands fall upon her shoulders.
As she stiffened, he slid them down the front of her body, barely grazing her breasts before dropping to her waist to pull her back into his strong chest. He nuzzled her hair, inhaling deeply. “I’m sorry, Molly. It’s difficult for me to trust women. I can explain some of that, but such secrets are not shared easily.”
He was holding her, and though there was definitely a sexual element to that embrace, it also felt like more. Something more intimate and caring than what she was used to. One of his hands lifted to unclip another of her hair ornaments, and she didn’t protest when he tossed the thing to the floor.
She and the others had to save money somewhere to carry out their true mission, and they’d chosen to do it in their costuming. She’d never liked the heavy weight of so many ornaments in her hair, but it had been part of the look of a dyed flower, the design of which they’d taken inspiration for from their brothel work. As he freed her hair from its confining bun, she sighed in relief, her scalp tingling when his fingers delved into the waves of it.
“I care about you, Shulgi,” she whispered, acknowledging something she shouldn’t.
She’d been hurt before after confessing to feelings a woman in her position was not supposed to have.
He kissed the top of her head, returning his hand to her waist to hold her close again. “I care about you too, Molly.”
She turned in his arms to face him, looking up into his eyes. She didn’t see a lie there, but she didn’t dare to believe he could really mean it. Her heart pounded with hope and anxiety mixed, fearing that he would crush her fledgling emotions with the harsh reality of his true intention just to use her.
“Do you really?” She traced his lower lip with her finger, remembering how it had felt when he’d kissed her so passionately. “I’ve been told that before, only to find out it was a lie.”
His eyes narrowed, his lips pulling into a scowl, making his beautiful features look fierce and dangerous. “Who played with your emotions? Give me a name and I will punish them for it.”
Alarmed at the intensity in his tone, fearing he was deadly serious, she shook her head quickly. “It was a long time ago, and that part of my life is over.” She cocked her head, regarding him thoughtfully as his expression slowly lightened, though his arms tightened around her, pulling her closer against his hard chest. “Shulgi, I know you’re honorable—”
Her words were cut off by a startled gasp when he stiffened and stepped away from her. She stared at him in confusion, noting that he’d bowed his head and had half turned so he no longer faced her.
“I’m not honorable, Molly,” he growled in a harsh tone. “I’ve done terrible, unforgivable things.”
Her heart in her throat, she touched his arm, saddened that he only shifted further away from her. “Tell me. I have a feeling they would not be unforgivable to me. I’ve seen so much….”
She’d done so much. So much that still gave her horrid nightmares. So much blood that had been spilled that it made her sick. So much that, sometimes, even the reasons for her actions didn’t seem like enough justification.
He lifted his head, but not to look at her. Instead, he stared at the wall of the entry room with a distant gaze. “I have already admitted more to you than I intended.”
Her shoulders sagged and she lowered her hand from his arm, dropping it back to her side. “Of course,” she said in a dull voice, “I am here only to serve, honored Irid—”
A startled yelp cut off her words as he suddenly grabbed her by her arms, lowering his head until his lips hovered above hers. “Don’t say it!” His features were pulled into an angry scowl. “Don’t talk to me as if I’m just like all the rest who have used you, Molly. You mean far more to me than that! Far more than I have any right to feel for you!”
Beneath the anger in his tone, she detected the torment. She wasn’t afraid that he would hurt her. She felt sad that he was hurting himself. Something inside him was tearing him up.
Lifting shaking fingers to stroke his cheek, she met his eyes, her own damp. “Tell me. I won’t judge you.”
He released her, lifting his head. “Everyone judges. Anyone who promises otherwise is lying.”
Stepping away from her until they were at arm’s length, he squared his shoulders, meeting her eyes with a hard gaze that she now understood was defensive. He was shielding himself, putting on a mask so he wouldn’t be vulnerable to any more pain.
She understood that defensive behavior perfectly. “Very well,” she bowed her head briefly, “I will be completely honest. Without knowing what you’ve done, I can’t promise I won’t judge your past actions.” She met his eyes again. “But I know you aren’t a bad person, Shulgi. I knew that from the moment I met you!”
“I murdered several of my own squad mates in cold blood,” he said in a brittle, cold voice, his face an expressionless mask. “I participated in the torture of helpless prisoners, in kidnappings, and in more murder attempts.” He lifted a hand to point to his chest. “I am a monster, Molly. Nothing will change that.”
Her mouth gaped open, but she quickly gained control of her expression. She slowly shook her head. “I don’t believe it was in cold blood,” she whispered, unable to equate his confessions with the person she knew him to be. She felt his goodness in her blood and bones. She was certain of it. “I don’t believe you had no reason for what you did.”
“Does a reason matter, Molly?” he demanded in a tormented tone. “There are some actions that can’t be forgiven, no matter the cause!”
She flinched at his brutal words. “If that is so,” she said slowly, “then I, too, am a monster.”
He shook his head sharply, closing the distance he’d put between them to pull her against him in a hard embrace. “No!” He lowered his lips to press against her hair, his hands sliding under her cloak to stroke her back, warm against the thin silk of her dress. “You have no choice in what you do. You are a slave, forced to obey a master who is a monster.”
“And if I had a choice,” she asked sadly, knowing now that she could never confess her truth to him, given how much he despised himself for what he’d done. Actions that were not much different from the ones she’d committed in pursuit of freeing slaves. “Would that make me a monster, if I’d done those things for a good reason?”
“A slave doesn’t have a choice, Molly.” His insistent tone shifted to something she couldn’t interpret in the middle of that statement as he slowly released her, remaining close to her.
She stroked her palms over the high-quality silk of his robe, far more valuable and expensive than that of her own dress. His body was warm beneath the smooth fabric, his muscles large and firm. They flexed beneath her touch and even in her heartbreak over knowing she could never be fully honest with him, her mouth watered with her desire to taste him.
“Sometimes, you have to do terrible things for the greater good, Shulgi,” she said, in a tone she hoped would convince herself as much as him.
He captured her wrists, sliding his hands down them to capture hers and entwine their fingers. “My people use that excuse all the time. They justify the most heinous of crimes because they insist they’re trying to save our people. If we become monsters simply to save our species, do we deserve to be saved?”
She laid her cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “I don’t believe you’re a monster, Shulgi. And I do believe you’re worth saving.”
Releasing one of her hands, he lifted his to cradle the back of her head, holding her against his chest as his heartbeat thudded louder and faster in her ear. “Let me tell you a story. One I have not told anyone else in full. Then you tell me if you still think I’m not a monster.”
