The Bet by Max Monroe

Wednesday, April 11th

Sophie

My phone chimes loudly from my purse, and I snag it out quickly to put it on silent. But I don’t miss the name that glares back at me from the screen—Jude. He’s texted me at least twenty times since Sunday and called me another ten times on top of that, but I’ve made a point not to read any of his messages or, of course, answer his calls.

And I don’t really know why. Because the pain is still too raw? Or because I’m scared that the lure of simply being with him because I’m in love with him is still so strong that it could make me give in to something that will only end with more pain?

My heart tells me it’s probably a lot of both.

But the temptation to see what he has to say is so real that I even find my finger hovering above the screen, just one tap away from giving in to the urge.

“Sophie?” Dr. Winters’s voice yanks me back to the present, and I quickly shove my phone back into my purse, mortified of my appointment faux pas.

Especially because this appointment is different from all the rest. More important probably, too.

“So sorry,” I apologize and look beside me to where Belle and Katelynn sit. “My phone is on silent now. Promise.”

“Let me guess…Jude? Again?” Belle asks, and I just offer a small nod.

Belle knows most of the sordid details of my Jude situation, but my eldest sister is mostly clueless. She knows I was seeing someone and it ended badly, but that’s about it.

When Katelynn met Belle and me for brunch last Thursday, the day I was at the peak of my mental breakdown after I kicked Jude out of my apartment, I’d felt so numb from telling Belle everything that I couldn’t do anything that day but keep myself distracted and avoid rehashing everything both in my head and out loud again.

And for the past week, I’ve continued to give avoidance my best college try. Although, the persistent attempts by Jude through texts and calls haven’t been helping.

I just don’t understand why he’s trying to reach out to me. Because he feels bad? Because he wants to try to go back to when we were just two people having wild and crazy fun?

Anyone’s guess is as good as mine. And truthfully, knowing Jude’s past, I probably don’t want to know the answer. A player tiger can never change his stripes and all that jazz.

Both Dr. Winters and Katelynn look at me curiously, but my therapist is the first one to ask me outright.

“What’s going on with you and Jude?”

“Nothing,” I say, and I hate that those words are my reality. “I ended things with him. Well, it was kind of a mutual decision, I guess. A chaotic, drama-filled mutual decision.”

“What happened?” Katelynn asks, and I stare down at my hands on a deep inhale of breath as I try to push the tightness out of my chest.

“I guess you could say our relationship had started out as a fun, no-strings-attached kind of thing, but over time, I grew feelings for him. I even felt like he was feeling things for me, too. But when I confronted him about it, he said no.”

Both Katelynn and Belle reach out to tenderly pat my shoulders.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Dr. Winters says, and her voice is soft with the kind of sympathy that could have the power to bring back those stupid tears.

Tears I don’t think Jude Winslow deserves from me.

“Is it wrong if I ask her what her feelings for him were?” Katelynn directs her question to Dr. Winters. “Is that too pushy?”

“What do you think, Sophie?” Dr. Winters asks, glancing between my eldest sister and me. “Is Katelynn’s question too pushy for you? Or are you willing to answer it?”

There’s a large part of me that doesn’t want to answer, but that would defeat the whole purpose of asking my sisters to come to this appointment with me.

“It’s okay, Kate,” I finally say and offer a small, albeit pathetic, smile in her direction. “My feelings, well, I…was in love with him. Am in love with. Currently trying not to be in love with him.”

“That…sucks,” Katelynn responds, and I let out a humorless laugh.

“That it does.”

“So, tell me, Sophie,” Dr. Winters begins, switching gears a little. “What made you decide to bring your sisters to today’s appointment?”

“Well…” I pause and try to find the right words to a difficult question. “I’m not entirely sure why I wanted them here, but I think it’s because I just need them to know more about me. More about what’s going on with me.”

“Good. I think that’s great, Sophie,” Dr. Winters says, nodding, and then she directs her focus toward Belle and Katelynn.

“How did it make you two feel when you found out that Sophie has been going to therapy?”

“I mostly just felt like I dropped the ball somewhere along the line.” Katelynn is the first to answer. “I’m busy with my toddlers and my job and my husband, and I feel like I haven’t been there for Sophie as much as she needed me to be.”

I grimace at the mere idea that Katelynn feels like she let me down. But before I can chime in, Dr. Winters is redirecting the question to my twin.

“And what about you, Belle?”

Belle looks at me and then back at Dr. Winters. “To be honest, I was a little shocked because I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell me that. It’s as if Sophie felt like she needed to hide it from me, and that makes me feel sad. I don’t want her to feel like she needs to hide anything from me.”

“Why do you think she would hide something like going to therapy from you?”

“I don’t know.” Belle shrugs. “Maybe because she thought I would judge her?”

Shit. That makes me feel even worse than Katelynn’s answer.

“Sophie? Do you have anything you want to say to your sisters after hearing their responses?”

“I do.” I sigh and resign myself to stay on this open and honest track, no matter how difficult and bumpy it feels. “Katelynn, you haven’t let me down. Anytime I’ve really needed you, you’ve dropped everything for me. Take Thursday, for example. You took time off work, found a babysitter for the boys, and came into the city to be with me. And even though I didn’t expand much on what was going on, you were there, helping me take my mind off things I wasn’t ready to face. Just being exactly what I needed from my big sister.”

“Really?” Katelynn questions, and tears start to form a small sheen over her eyes.

“Really. I love you. And I’m incredibly grateful for you.”

“Ditto, Soph.” One small tear slips down her cheek, and that spurs emotion to form behind my own eyes.

“And what about Belle?” Dr. Winters asks me. “Is there anything you want to say to her now that you’ve heard her initial reaction to your being in therapy?”

“Belly, I love you, dearly, and even though there’re times you can have dramatic reactions to things, if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that you will never judge me. You will always accept me for who I am.”

“I will, I swear.”

I nod. “I know.”

“I love you too, by the way.”

I smile at her, and before I know it, all three of us Sage sisters are blubbering into tissues that Dr. Winters places in our hands. She gives us a minute to get it together but, eventually, keeps the session moving in a productive direction.

“Sophie, have you told your sisters why you started therapy and why you decided to stay in therapy?”

I shake my head.

“Are you ready to tell them?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. But then, I nod. “I guess that’s probably why I brought them here, huh?”

Dr. Winters smiles knowingly. “I think it is.”

I look at both Katelynn and Belle, and once I find the strength and the right words, I tell them why I started therapy. That after Mimi died, I took it pretty hard and needed someone neutral and outside of the family to talk to, and how I think that was mostly because I didn’t want to burden them with my grief when I knew they were grieving too.

I tell them about how my sessions with Dr. Winters morphed from Mimi to the fact that I had other baggage I needed to claim. I tell them about my issues with obsessing over the future. Over marriage. Over relationships. And that it had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even giving any man a shot if I didn’t think he checked off all the things I wanted and needed in a husband.

“I guess the reason I wasn’t telling you guys anything about this is because I felt like some kind of abnormal freak, you know?” I continue. “I didn’t feel like I had any reason to have this baggage even though I had it. I mean, our parents are happily married. Our childhoods were normal. And you guys were in healthy relationships and didn’t appear to have any of the problems that I do.”

“Oh, but I definitely had them,” Belle answers, and I turn to look at her with surprised eyes. “And I probably should’ve been talking to Dr. Winters too at one point.” She grins. “Luckily, John is so damn patient that he knew how to work through things with me.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I was super insecure about myself. With every guy I dated. Always feeling like I wasn’t good enough. And it was not good for relationships, let me tell you,” Belle explains. “It wasn’t until I met John that I was able to find some clarity and build the confidence that I should have inside myself.”

“Do you think it was you or John that helped you with those things?” Dr. Winters asks, and Belle lifts her hand up in a so-so gesture.

“A little of both. Mostly, I think it had to come from deep within myself. But I think I was also lucky I had a good man beside me who wasn’t adding to my toxic tendencies.”

Dr. Winters nods. “That’s good, Belle. That’s really good.”

“I can also vouch that I had my issues,” Katelynn announces, surprising me for the second time in this session. “I had major issues with trust, and that made me a real shit communicator in relationships.” She laughs a little. “Honestly, before Todd, I did some crazy shit with my exes. Checking their phones because I was paranoid they were cheating on me or lying to me. It wasn’t good.”

Holy hell.

“You both dealt with those things before you got married?” I question, and Belle smiles softly at me.

“Yeah. And the insecurity is still something I have to work past at times. Even in my marriage with John.”

“Me too,” Kate adds. “Todd and I have good communication and our relationship has a strong foundation of trust, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight my own demons at times to remember those things.”

“So, wait, I’m not the only crazy one?” I tease, and both my sisters laugh.

“Nope,” Katelynn says with a shake of her head, and Belle agrees.

“Hell no, sis.”

“Well, I’m very proud of all three of you,” Dr. Winters states with a soft smile. “And I think you should be proud of yourselves too. It’s never easy opening up about things that make us feel vulnerable.” She makes eye contact with me. “Are you happy with your decision to bring your sisters here today?”

“Yes, I’m glad they’re here,” I say and mean every word.

“Tell me where that emotion stems from, Sophie.”

“It comes from a lot of things, but mostly, I think it stems from feeling relief that everything is out in the open and knowing that I shouldn’t feel the need to hide stuff like this from them. I don’t have to go it alone, you know? I can use their support, too.”

“Good,” Belle says and Katelynn nods.

“I’m happy to hear that, Soph. Because I want to be there for you when you need me.”

“We’re getting close to the end of our session, but Sophie, do you mind if I check in with you directly about what has happened with Jude?”

My first inclination is to shy away from the question, but I stay strong.

“Sure.”

“Do you want Belle and Katelynn to leave?”

I shake my head and reach out to hold both of my sisters’ hands. “No, they should stay.”

For another fifteen minutes, we sit in Dr. Winters’s office. All the while, Belle and Katelynn stay silent and just listen patiently while I tell Dr. Winters my current state of mind. Rehash some of the painful details of what really went down with Jude and me, and talk about why I haven’t been looking at his texts or answering his calls.

And by the time I leave her office, I feel the sadness starting to seep into my bones again, but I also feel resolved in my decisions.

Honestly, I even feel proud of myself for setting my own boundaries with Jude. Once I started feeling too much emotion for him and knew I couldn’t go on just acting like it was only hot sex and fun, I ended things. Harshly, in a way, but it’s what I had to do for me.

Oddly enough, I don’t even regret the time I spent with him. There’s a part of me that really wants to, but in this case, ironically, I’m taking a page out of Jude’s book and choosing not to regret. Just move on.

Now, I guess, all I have left to do is give this broken heart of mine time to heal. And the only way I can achieve that is to stick with my decision and keep the door that leads to Jude completely shut.

But damn does that hurt.