Good Boy by Megan Lowe

Chapter 39

Iknow the fierce winds that whip off Lake Michigan aren’t why they call Chicago the Windy City, but it’s one hell of a coincidence. The gale is freezing, I can practically see icicles floating around me, but still I sit here, freezing my balls off.

How did I get here? I never wanted to be the guy who forces someone to do something they can’t or aren’t ready for. Especially when that something is coming out. I shouldn’t be forcing Cav. I know I should be patient and understanding and help him through it, but would he even want that? Maybe I should just do it anyway.

And Thomas…. How the fuck did things with him end up as they are? This all started as a way to stop Cav bullying me but it’s morphed into so much more. And some of the things Thomas has said…. Some of the things he’s done…. They’re downright worrying. But how can I get out of this arrangement without making things worse?

I just don’t know.

I scrub my hands over my face.

Every interaction I’ve had with Cav/James flashes through my mind.

I’m falling in love with him. Hell, I may have already fallen, for all I know.

If I’m honest, I know it’s him I want to be with. I want to hold his hand as we walk down the hall at school. I want to kiss him when I win at the Skids. I want to take him to eat pancakes at Wildberry.

Does he want the same? I think he does, but he won’t do anything so we can. Is it fair for him to ask me to wait? For how long? A year? Two? Ten? I want a life with someone. Perhaps that person is Cav; I don’t know. I’d certainly like to find out, though.

I want someone to grow old with, who lights up when I walk through the door. I want someone who wants kids with me. I want someone to tease me when I freak out when I find my first gray hair.

I think Cav wants that too.

I never thought I’d find someone I truly wanted to be with on a hook-up app, but yet, here we are. I know it sounds crazy. I’m eighteen and forever is a long time, but I can see it. Or maybe that’s my romantic brain taking over again.

And then there’s Thomas. I don’t know what he’s playing at, what he’s trying to convince himself of. He’s not bi or pan. He’s definitely not gay. He’s just… lost I think. He has this hatred for Cav and he’s willing to let it take over his life. But he doesn’t love me anymore than I love the Bears. He is one master planner though. His plan to get back at Cav worked a treat.

But did it work the way I hoped it would? Does Cav want to be with me or has his jealousy driven him to say all those things to me? Does it really matter? If he wants to be with me, he wants to be with me, right?

Cav is kind, and thoughtful, and considerate—in private. When I was going through all that shit with Amy, he listened, actually listened to what I had to say and helped me work through it. How can I ignore that?

How can I turn my back on someone like that?

Cav has his own path to travel; so do I. Will our paths converge? Will we get our shit together? Will he get his shit together?

I can’t imagine what he’s going through. My parents were great when I came out, so this whole thing is new to me. One thing I do know, though? That no one, regardless of who they are, should have to live their life hiding away. That means Cav living in the closet and me right along with him, if things go that way.

And I meant what I said when I told him I’d drop Thomas. I just have to figure out a way to do that that doesn’t risk angering Thomas further.

Maybe I just should end things with Thomas regardless. What we have, it’s not healthy. For either of us. He needs to move on from whatever it is he has against Cav, and I, well, I need to figure out if what Cav is offering is sincere and will be enough for me.

“Fuck!” I yell, scaring an older couple walking past. I hold my hand up in apology.

“Scaring the elderly a new hobby of yours, is it?” Chloe says as she sits down next to me.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

She shrugs. “Thought you might need someone to talk to. Although we can just yell at people if you want.”

I nudge her. “Funny.”

“I know. So, you going to spill or what?”

I blow out a breath. It clouds the air in front of us. “I think I’ve fucked up.”

“Oh, there’s no thinking about it. You definitely have.”

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I’m your best friend. I don’t give you confidence; I give you the truth.”

“And what’s that?”

“That you’ve fucked up.”

I chuckle. “Thanks.”

“You know what you’ve done,” she tells me.

I nod. “Yeah.”

“And you know what you have to do.”

“So why can’t I do it?”

She shrugs. “I dunno, maybe because you’re a pussy.”

“I thought you like pussy.”

“Good pussy, not a weak one.”

“Are you saying I’m weak?”

“Why are you with Thomas, Con?”

“Okay, point made.”

“I know you’re only with him to make Cav jealous.”

“H-How do you know that?” I ask.

“If you know where to look, you can see it written all over both of your faces.”

I scrub my hand over my face. “Fuck.”

“Look, I know things aren’t going to be easy with him, not by any stretch of the imagination, but surely difficult with him is ten times better than great with Thomas. Ugh, even thinking about you with him….” She shudders.

I nudge her again.

“What the fuck were you thinking with him?”

“I was thinking that it would be fun to make him jealous.”

“And how’s that working out for you?”

“Well, I think he’s jealous….”

“I’d say that’s right.”

“But maybe it’s not as fun as I thought it would be, and that Thomas is going to be a bigger problem than I ever thought he would be.”

“He’s a problem, all right.”

“Fuck, this is so fucked-up.”

“Yup.”

“I’m going to have to be the one to make the move, aren’t I?” I ask.

She nods. “Yup.”

“Thomas isn’t going to let go easily, will he?”

“Nope.”

“Fuck me.”

“See? That’s where you went wrong. You were thinking with your dick.”

“I happen to like my dick.”

“And look where it’s got you.”

In a big fucking mess, that’s where.