Inked Obsession by Carrie Ann Ryan
Chapter 16
Beckett
Eliza:Thank you for letting me know you made it home.
Me:Always. Will I see you soon?
I didn’t know why I even asked. Of course, we would see each other soon. We always did. We had a weekly Thursday night group event at Riggs’. That didn’t mean I could see her in any other capacity, though. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I focus?
That had been the problem with everything before I even left on that so-called vacation. And now here I was, acting as if I were outside of my body again, watching, unable to make a decision. I was lost. All I wanted was for Eliza to ask me more. And that didn’t make any sense. We were friends. She was a friend that I couldn’t stop thinking about—in ways that I shouldn’t.
There were too many obstacles between us. Marshall. What Marshall had done. Our families. Our friends. All of it. I had dinner plans with my brothers later tonight, and they would be welcoming me home before I had to go into work the next day. I knew they wanted to check on me since everybody knew what had happened. And I wanted to see them. I needed to face them and tell them that I was sorry that I was an idiot.
I needed to talk to Brenna, but she hadn’t answered when I called earlier, and I was still waiting on her text back. I knew she was busy with an upcoming wedding, but still, we had left things unsaid. As all of that cascaded within me, I had thoughts of Eliza on my brain. I needed to focus, and I couldn’t.
Eliza:I’ll see you on Thursday at Riggs’ right?
Me:Yeah. If not before. Just let me know.
I was one minute away from passing a note during study hall and wondering how she felt about me. Hell, I needed a drink. Or a nap. Or to get Eliza off my mind. That wasn’t going to happen.
I felt that deep down in my bones. And that was the problem.
Eliza:Is everything awkward now?
I swallowed hard and sat on the couch.
Me:Maybe? I can’t stop thinking about you. Remember, no secrets. Well, here I am. I want to see you again, Eliza.
We had said no secrets, and I needed to make sure I kept that promise. With everybody. First, I needed to say this. And hope to hell she didn’t run away from the phone.
Eliza:I want to see you again soon. Even if we might be ruining everything.
I cringed, not liking the sound of that.
Me:Friends first. Always.
Eliza:Promise. I need to go. My brother’s calling me. But no secrets. And I miss you.
I bit my lip and let out a relieved sigh.
Me:Miss you, too.
Hell, things had changed so much in only a few days. Maybe that’s what was supposed to happen. Change flipped on a dime and scared you into a new life.
I needed to apologize to those I had hurt. Figure out who I needed to be. And wonder what the hell I should do.
I set down my phone and went to get something to drink, just to focus before my brothers arrived. I needed to talk with Brenna. I needed to talk to my parents. And I had work to do. I had so much shit on my mind, yet the only thing I could think about was Eliza.
It was a problem.
At least I wasn’t thinking about the shooting every single moment anymore. There had been a change. Even though it probably wasn’t for the better.
The doorbell rang as soon as I got to the kitchen, so I turned around, wondering if one of my brothers was early. When I peeked, Brenna stood there, her feet tucked into her Crocs, flour on her shoulder, and a touch of frosting in her hair. She looked as if she had just come from a busy day at the bakery. She looked exhausted, though I didn’t think she looked mad at me. Disappointed, perhaps? I didn’t know. Once again, I knew I’d likely fucked up. I needed to fix it.
“Brenna.”
“Can I come in?” she asked, and I moved away, frowning. She used to just let herself in. Because she was Brenna. My best friend.
The one I had thought loved me because I was a fucking idiot. A woman I had hidden things from when I shouldn’t have.
“So…” she began softly.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted.
She gave me a soft smile. “I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me. And I realize that makes it all about me, and I don’t really like myself much right now.” She cringed as she said it, and I reached out, but she pulled away. It felt like a punch to the gut because Brenna always let me hug her. I kept changing the dynamics between us. I needed to fix it. I just didn’t know how.
“The guys sent me somewhere to go and breathe, and I don’t know if I could have done it here. I just needed to get my head out of my ass.”
Brenna looked up at me. “You almost died. Your friend from school did die. Brian. Did I ever meet him?” she asked, frowning.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so. Lee knew him, but he wasn’t really close to us.”
“And Lee knew you’d been hurt.”
“I wasn’t really hurt,” I said softly. “I ache every once in a while, but I’m fine.”
“You weren’t fine. We both know that.”
“No, I wasn’t fine. And I needed to talk to somebody about it. And I didn’t. I don’t know, maybe because I was scared? Because I felt like I should’ve done something more? I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. And the more I didn’t speak up, the harder it got. I’m sorry. I should’ve come to you. Or anybody. I had never been through something like that before.”
“I get it,” she whispered. “I do. You were scared. I almost lost you, and I didn’t even know it. I hate that you changed things between us, though. And I don’t know what it means. I shouldn’t feel like it’s all about me. It’s not. You lied to us, Beckett. You’ve lied to us for a long time.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not just about that. You constantly pushed us away when we were worried about how your dad was treating you. You always do that. When it’s too much, you don’t want to talk about it. Your dad was so mean to you and kept taking over your projects, and yet you didn’t talk to us about it. You just assumed that you could handle it all. And maybe you can. Everything became very one-sided, though. As if you couldn’t trust us to help you.”
“Brenna…”
“No. Something was wrong, and I couldn’t help you. I wish you would have let me. Because you give so much of yourself to help us, and yet you won’t let us do the same for you. You know it’s always sort of been the four of us. I have my relationship with Annabelle and Paige and Eliza. It was you, me, Benjamin and Lee. That’s who we started as. And then you slowly cut yourself off. From your twin. From Lee. From the way your dad treated you, to how you fell into work and pretended that you could handle everything on your own. You’ve changed, Beckett. And you were keeping secrets. Big ones. I wish you’d trusted me to help.”
I swallowed hard. “The stuff with my dad has resolved itself. We’re better now.”
“Maybe. I wouldn’t know, because you’re not talking about it with me. You bottle everything up inside and don’t talk to me about it. Maybe it’s because I’m not the person you love—and I’m not saying I need to be,” she added quickly when my eyes widened. “I do not need you to love me like that. I don’t love you like that. You need somebody. It’s not me.”
I opened my mouth to tell her about Eliza, even though it probably wasn’t the best time. I didn’t want there to be secrets. However, as she gave me a look and shook her head, I knew I couldn’t tell her. Not yet. Except, I had to. Damn it. I needed to.
“I’m going to go now. Mostly because I’m in the middle of work and need to get back, but I just want you to know that I’ll always love you.”
I wanted to growl. To hit something. I was fucking all of this up. “I love you too, but sometimes I just need to be in my head. I don’t mean to do this. To hurt you.”
“It’s not about me,” she said quickly. “It can’t be. I love you, Beckett. You hold so much in. I just…I need to figure out some things about myself, and it has nothing to do with you. That’s why I’m so grumbly and out of sorts. I swear. It’s not just about you. It’s part of it because I’m worried about you. Not only about the shooting. Or how your father treats you. About everything. So, I’m going to go. I love you. Just talk to someone. Because I don’t think it can be me. At least not until we both get our heads on straight.”
She rose on tiptoe, kissed my cheek, and left, leaving me to wonder what the hell had just happened. That couldn’t have only been about me. Something else was going on with her.
I stood there, trying to collect my thoughts, right before the door opened and Lee walked in, his brows raised. “Okay, what the fuck just happened? You sounded okay on the phone. And yet, here you are, standing with the door not even closed all the way and looking like you just lost your best friend.” He frowned. “Was Brenna here? What’s wrong? Is she okay?”
Benjamin and Archer followed him in, concern etched on their faces, as well. “What the hell? What’s going on?” Archer walked in and cupped my face. “Look at me. Are you okay? Do we need to call someone?”
I pushed my brother away and scowled. “I’m fine. I think so, anyway. And, yes, Brenna was just here. And she made me feel like an asshole.”
“Well, you are an asshole,” Benjamin grumbled.
I flipped him off, then cringed. “Sorry.”
Benjamin shrugged. “No need to be sorry. We love you. You sounded relaxed on the phone, and we wanted to know how everything went, considering I heard you had a friend there.”
I froze. “Excuse me?” I asked softly.
Lee grinned. “I was talking to my friend who owns the resort, and it seems that he has a friend who has a sister who was also there. Do you want to tell us why you didn’t mention that Eliza was there, too? After you tell us what happened with Brenna, of course.”
I looked at them and then went into the kitchen to get a beer. “I need booze for this.”
“Are we all going to need alcohol for this?” Archer asked.
“All of it. Any booze we can get,” I answered.
“Well, good thing we brought food,” Benjamin said as he set things down on the kitchen island. “What happened?”
I rubbed my temples. “Brenna was just here too, rightly getting on my case for keeping secrets.”
“Told you that you should have told her,” Lee grumbled.
“That’s not very helpful right now, Lee.”
“I still don’t know why you didn’t tell anyone when it happened,” Benjamin said and shrugged when I glared at him.
“It didn’t make sense in my head why I didn’t. I just needed to keep it inside. To work through it. And then it got awkward, and then it got horrible, and here we are. It’s not like I can go back and fix it. I apologize. It’s not enough.”
“I forgive you,” Archer said, and we all looked at him. “What?” he added. “You’re my brother. You’re going through shit. Of course, your brain isn’t going to fire on all synapses. How were you supposed to focus when your life was going off the rails? I totally get you needing to keep things to yourself, and not actually making the correct decisions. You’re not perfect. Nobody is.”
The way he said that made me feel like he was talking about something that had nothing to do with me, but he plowed on.
“I love you. Like a brother.”
Nobody laughed.
Archer cringed. “Well, then, I was trying to make a joke, but that’s apparently not going to work. Anyway… What else did Brenna say?”
“She said that she needs to figure out who she is or something.” I wanted to know more, but I didn’t think I had the right anymore.
“Is something wrong?” Benjamin asked, leaning forward. “What’s going on?”
I let out a breath that was more of a growl. “I don’t know. Brenna’s not telling me something. Just like I didn’t tell her. And now I feel like everything I thought was right when it came to Brenna is completely fucked up, and all I do is make mistakes.”
“Did you have feelings for her beyond friendship?” Lee asked, and I shook my head as the others stared at me.
“No. In fact, both of us have been very clear that we don’t feel that way about each other.”
“You had to make it clear?” Archer asked, a brow raised.
“I did when things got fucked up because I was keeping secrets, and no one knew what those secrets were. I’m trying not to keep any more, but it seems like I have one more set,” I grumbled.
“Let me guess, this has to do with Eliza?” Lee asked.
I cursed.
“Yes.”
“Did you fucking sleep with her?” Benjamin grumbled.
Archer nearly spit out his beer. “Oh my God, that was not something I expected.”
My jaw tensed. “I didn’t even say if I did or not.”
“The answer’s etched all over your face.” Archer shook his head, a smile playing on his lips.
“Fine. We slept together. We might go on a date. It was a very intimate and weird weekend where, somehow, everything just made sense when we were together. And now that I’m home, I don’t know what I’m doing. I was supposed to go on this whole beach vacation to find myself or some shit, and I don’t even know why I went. I just found myself on a plane, and then, suddenly, I was there, and now I can’t even keep up with my thoughts. My best friend’s not talking to me. You guys are looking at me like I’m crazy, and Eliza and I told ourselves that we were going to tell people so there’d be no more secrets because they have a very bad tendency to fuck things up—in her life, and mine. No secrets between our friends. Our new rule. I didn’t tell Brenna about Eliza before she left my house because I was too busy wondering what the fuck was going on. Besides, she told me not to say anything else. And now Eliza is probably going to tell her and, once again, I’ll be the fucking asshole.”
Archer blinked and then moved behind me to a cupboard. He pulled out the tequila, four shot glasses, and poured them efficiently. “Okay, let’s begin.”
He handed out the shots, and we looked at each other and then downed them without salt or lime. No need with the kind of tequila the Montgomerys had on hand.
Archer nodded. “Okay, that’s round one.”
“We drove here, we can’t do more than that,” Benjamin added with a shake of his head.
“Oh, we’re going to eat a shit-ton of food we brought and some I’m sure Beckett has, and we’re going to be here awhile,” Archer corrected. “Tomorrow’s work, and then tomorrow night is Mom’s birthday dinner.”
I cursed. “Fuck.”
Archer gave me a look. “And Eliza will be there. And Brenna. Meaning anything that might have happened to you that people are just now hearing about will probably be spoken out in the open. Mom and Dad will find out.”
“About me sleeping with Eliza?”
“No, asshole. About the shooting,” Lee said.
I cursed again. “Fuck.”
“They know. They know that you’re okay, and it took every ounce of my will to keep Mother away from you,” Archer said. “Every ounce.”
“I should have told you guys.”
“Yes, you should have,” Benjamin said. “Sometimes, we each have secrets we need to deal with on our own before we let the Montgomerys invade,” he said.
I gave him a look, and he held up his hand. “Oh, no, this is about you, twin of mine. Not me.”
Lee pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, since it seems everybody in this kitchen has secrets, let’s do another tequila shot and talk about what the fuck you were thinking about when you slept with Eliza.”
“It was consensual. We both wanted it. And we might do it again.”
“Okay,” Lee said, drawing out the word.
“Eliza’s my friend.”
“Brenna is, too,” Archer singsonged.
I scowled. “Not like that. I’ve always done my best not to think about Eliza in certain ways.”
“That makes sense,” Lee said as he poured tequila for all of us. “Eliza’s hot. But she was married. And then she was a widow. Though I know she told the girls that she was thinking about dating again.”
“I know,” I grumbled.
“I didn’t,” Benjamin said.
“You don’t know many things,” Lee said, and Benjamin flipped him off.
“So, you slept with Eliza. On vacation.”
“Yes, our rooms were next door to each other. Did you have anything to do with that?” I asked, narrowing my eyes. Both of my brothers glared at Lee.
Lee held up both hands. “Seriously. Not me. Plus, her brother’s friend was the one who got you guys the hotel rooms. Do you really think her brother and I had anything to do with that? No. You guys were just in the two owner suites, and that’s how it works. I swear. I didn’t even know she was there until my friend mentioned it.”
“Okay,” I grumbled.
Lee studied my face. “Seriously. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, though. The way you two are with each other.”
“What way?” I asked, confused.
“You guys are always grumbling and kind to one another.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I told Lee.
Lee grinned. “Yes, it does. You guys are friendly, but hate asking for or needing help. Still, you’re always first in line to help each other. You guys did a good job of only dancing with each other once. Never too much. It was as if you subconsciously knew that it was wrong to want to dance with each other more than once like you’re in a Regency ballroom or somewhere.”
“I’m pretty sure that it’s two dances that makes it wrong. Though, of course, if you go past one dance and somebody looks at you and wants to dance with you for that second one, you could be a little wanton,” Archer said.
I growled. “I swear to God, if you bring up Regency romances one more time…”
“It was a popular show, too,” Archer complained. “You can’t blame me. You enjoyed it.”
“Anyway…” Benjamin broke in, and I laughed.
“I don’t know where we were,” I said.
“We were at the part where you were telling me exactly what you and Eliza were doing.”
“I’m not going into details.” I sighed. “And I don’t know what’s going to happen now. Eliza is trying to figure it out. She has her own life with a lot of shit going on. Apparently, I have even more going on. I have no idea what I’m doing. This will probably all explode, but I can’t help it. I really like her. I wasn’t expecting it. She’s always just been there, but now, she’s really there. I don’t want it to stop. I probably should, but I don’t want to.”
“On top of that, you need to tell Brenna,” Lee said quickly.
“Unless the girls tell her first.”
“Fuck,” Benjamin said softly.
“Brenna told me that she needed space,” I whispered.
My twin sighed. “Then you should give it to her.”
“I need to tell her.”
“Pull out your phone and do it now,” Archer said.
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, yes, I should do this over the phone or by text.”
Lee shrugged. “Well, you either need to do it that way or wait until the girls tell her.”
“Brenna needs to know.” Benjamin met my gaze. “If you’re going to tell the whole world, Brenna needs to know before the rest of them.”
I looked at all of them as they stared down at the phone in front of me. “You really going to make me do this in front of you?” I asked.
“Yes. We are,” Lee said, crossing his arms over his chest.
“I’ll be needing more tequila for this,” Benjamin growled and reached for the bottle.
“It seems I’ll be driving tonight,” Archer said as he switched to water.
I pulled up my phone and went into the bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind me so nobody could follow.
Brenna picked up on the first ring, and I knew I was an idiot for letting all of this play out this way. “I’m working, Beckett. Is everything okay?”
“Fuck. I’m sorry. I just…I’m sorry for a lot of things.”
“I know. I swear my mood isn’t all about you. I’m just in a funk. You were almost killed, Beckett. And I love you. I don’t like that you were almost killed.”
“I don’t like that I was almost killed, either.”
“We’re going to be okay. I promise. I just need to think about a few things. And it really has nothing to do with you. It’s sort of just a catalyst, pushing me in the direction of where my life is going.”
“I’ll always be your sounding board, Brenna.”
“I know.”
“There’s something else I need to tell you. We promised no secrets.”
She let out a hollow laugh. “That doesn’t sound ominous at all.”
“When I went on vacation, someone else was there.”
“You met somebody?” she asked, happiness and warmth filling her tone. That was my Brenna. The one who was always there for me. Why had I been hiding a big part of myself and pushing her away since the shooting?
“No, it was someone I already knew. Someone we both know.”
“What are you talking about?” Then she cursed. “Oh my God, it was Eliza, wasn’t it?”
“How did you know?”
“Who do we both know that happened to be on a trip at the same time as you? Oh. You were there. On the weekend she went away. When her brothers sent her off so she had time on her own for the anniversary. Wow. I’m glad you were there for her.”
I swallowed hard, not sure what to say.
“You were there for her, weren’t you?” she asked.
“Yes. Brenna? Eliza and I, well…”
Brenna laughed. “Well, then. That’s a secret I’m glad you told me.”
I shook my head, though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I didn’t even actually tell you.”
“Because you’re like a teenage boy, stammering over what you want to tell me over the phone. This is what you wanted to tell me when I was at your house, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. And I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not. I promise. You know, I kind of like the idea of the two of you together. And, hey? She could be that person you can talk to.”
“I want it to be you.” I paused. “Just not in the way that sounded. I meant the talking, not the…whatever.”
“The whatever is not something I need the details on, although I am really good friends with Eliza, so she’ll probably tell me.”
I cringed, even though she couldn’t see me. “This is where it gets weird.”
“Oh, Beckett Montgomery. It’s been weird for a long time. However, I’m glad you told me. And I’ll let Eliza tell me, as well. Because we’re friends, we’re girls, and that’s what we do. It seems like that trip was good for you. And I hope it was good for her.”
“So do I,” I grumbled, and she laughed. It didn’t sound like her normal laugh; it was just a bit off. I knew something else was wrong, but I wouldn’t push. Not until she needed me. Because I knew she wasn’t keeping secrets, not like I had. She was just going through something. At least, that’s what she’d told me. And I trusted her.
“I’m sorry, Brenna.”
“Stop being sorry. Just be the Beckett I know and love. And be kind. I really cannot wait to see what this thing with you and Eliza does. Because, wow.”
“I should probably go,” I said quickly as the guys started banging on the door.
“Is Archer drinking tequila?” Brenna asked with a laugh.
“Maybe.” She knew us so well. I wished I could help her with whatever was going on.
“Well, do a shot or four for me. I am working. I love you. Just not like that.”
“I would say ‘thank God,’ but that would be weird.”
“No, let’s go with that,” Brenna said. “We’ll make this work. Somehow. And I’ll stop being weird.”
“Then how would you be the Brenna I know?” I asked, teasing.
“You can’t see me, but I’m totally rolling my eyes. And now, I need to go.”
“Same here. I’m going to fix this.”
“I don’t think you really have anything to fix,” she whispered. “We just need to make sure we remember who we are and who we have.”
“Sounds good.” We said our goodbyes, and I looked down at my phone, even as the guys banged on the door some more. That was one step. At least, I hoped.
Now, I needed to make amends with everybody else and figure out exactly what to do about Eliza. And that was far too much for me just then. Good thing tequila fixed everything.
At least, that’s what I told myself. For tonight.
