SEAL Daddy by Sofia T Summers
Nicole
Iwas typing nonstop, but the document on my screen remained relatively blank. Again and again, I typed the same few sentences. Everything that came out of me felt wrong. None of the sentences sounded particularly strong, and all I seemed to produce was a bunch of flowery nonsense. My head just wasn’t where it needed to be to write my articles for the day.
I’d finished the first one, but it was just a feature piece that only needed about five hundred words. I spent more time formatting the piece than writing it. However, the editorial was giving me trouble. It required mental focus I just didn’t have.
Since Jason showed up on my doorstep Sunday afternoon, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened between us. I still could feel Jason’s lips against my neck every time I closed my eyes. His darkened tone and wolfish expression still echoed around my mind.
Jason’s forceful attitude had frustrated me to no end, but his amber-flecked gaze already had me bothered. Part of me wanted to drag him upstairs to my bedroom from the moment he stepped inside. Bit by bit, my longing to be touched overwhelmed my contempt for Jason barging into my life like he did.
He was right though. I hadn’t given him much of a choice, yet he didn’t give me many options either. We had both suffered under the cruelty of circumstance. Now, we needed to find a path forward. I had to figure out how I could fit Jason in Charlotte’s life, while also getting a grip on my more carnal desires.
It had just been so long since a man had touched me. Since I’d left Jason’s house in the early hours of that March morning, nobody else had kissed me. No man had wrapped his arms around my waist or looked at me with that kind of hungry desire Jason possessed.
With his hair messed up and his dark eyes glowing, there was something beastly about Jason. He had the look of a hungry wolf, ripping off my clothes and consuming every bit of me. For a minute during our encounter, he made me nervous.
I was still breastfeeding Charlotte as she weaned on her own terms. We were in the last stage. Still, I worried that if he’d kept teasing my breasts that we both would have experienced an unwelcome interruption, but, thank heavens, Jason wandered down between my legs before everything got ruined.
As he reached his destination, I forgot all about the blip of nerves. I stopped thinking about the pregnancy stretch marks on my stomach or the small scar on my shoulder from the car accident. He didn’t seem to notice those things. When he looked into my eyes, all I could see was wanting.
Jason made me feel a whirlwind of emotions, but more than anything… he made me feel desired. In his embrace, I reveled in that deepest satisfaction. The problems that burdened me became light and nonexistent, but then I opened my eyes. Reality came flooding back.
I still needed to keep Jason Miller at arm’s length.
One argument and some frustration-filled sex didn’t create trust. I didn’t know how he would handle being a parent, even if he was willing. It was a good first step, but it wasn’t enough to assuage my anxiety.
“Mama,” I heard a whimper beside me.
Playing on the rug in my office, Charlotte had been glued to me all day long. I couldn’t leave the room without her crying. I heard her whine even when I went to use the bathroom.
I knew to expect days like this as we transitioned away from breastfeeding. It had been four months of back and forth. I was trying to follow her lead, only allowing it as she made requests, yet Lottie seemed to be regretting her choices. She was eager to be close to me and keep my attention. Holding up her arms, I picked her up with a sigh.
“What is it, Lottie?” I asked while stroking her hair.
She couldn’t say much, but she nuzzled her face into my chest. I figured she was missing the contact that came with our old routine. I had to admit that it was exciting to see her try new foods and grow, but there was nothing like holding her close where I knew she was safe.
When it was just Charlotte and me in the hospital, our feeding times were the most contact we got. Otherwise, my tiny baby had to be watched carefully by intensive care nurses. She stayed in a sterile environment away from visitors and possible infection. We were living an isolated life, but we were at least doing it together.
“Cuddle,” Charlotte mumbled into my neck.
“I hear you, Lottie,” I replied.
Rubbing her back, I held little Lottie as I gave up on the article, going to my office’s daybed instead. I laid down with Charlotte on my chest. With her ear over my heart, I wondered if she could hear my heartbeat, knowing that it beat for her.
I shut my eyes as afternoon light streamed through the window above us. With Charlotte sprawling out over me, I wished all days could be like this. I dreamed that my daughter could be this small forever, and she could be happy and loved.
My work was still important to me and my own sense of fulfillment, but it could wait for my daughter. Knowing I’d finish the work on Friday, I wasted my afternoon doting on Charlotte, reading her stories and coloring with her at the dining table.
Eventually, we both got ready to go out. We were meeting my father for dinner at a Mexican restaurant we often frequented in Virginia Beach. The decor was a little old and very kitsch, but the food was good. Charlotte enjoyed the children’s veggie quesadilla, and I was able to eat my shrimp tacos without worrying my daughter would get fussy.
She was already wiggling to the mariachi music as we entered the restaurant. Dressed in a red dress scattered in white hearts, she waved to my father as soon as she saw him.
“Hi!” She greeted him excitedly.
Shuffling towards him, Charlotte held up her arms in expectation. Dad knew the drill. He quickly scooped her up before following the hostess to a secluded table. My father settled Charlotte into her provided high chair as I got out her milk cup. Sipping away, Dad and I talked with concern.
“Good day at work?” He asked while dipping a chip into the salsa dish.
I shrugged. “I wasn’t able to finish my last article, but there’s always Friday. I just had a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?”
“Oh,” I sighed. “Just thinking about little Lottie growing up. She was being a bit of a cuddle bug today.”
“Cuddle,” my daughter repeated with a smile.
“Yes, Lottie.” I smiled back.
Tapping her nose, Lottie giggled before going back to her milk. The waitress, arriving with our beverages, grinned at the sound.
“Oh,” she gushed. “How cute are you?”
“Hi,” Lottie waved at her before going back to her milk.
“Hi, sweetie,” the woman greeted her before looking at me. “She’s precious.”
“Thanks,” I replied.
“Are you ready to order?”
Getting our usual meals, I listened to Dad talk about his workday and the bridal shower they were throwing for one of his associate agents. It wasn’t a shower, more like a nice lunch with a special cake and Dad offered the young woman a gift on behalf of the office.
“It would be nice to throw a bridal shower for you someday,” my dad remarked.
Smiling, I rolled my eyes. I knew it was all well-intended, but the comments like this were getting a bit tiresome.
“You know I’m not seeing anyone, right?” I reminded him.
“And that’s okay,” Dad insisted. “I’m not saying you should run out to find some guy right now. Honestly, I think it’s good to focus on your work and Lottie right now, but I’d like you to have a life beyond motherhood.”
“What about you?” I countered. “Are you going to be putting yourself out there anytime soon?”
Dad chuckled, “I’m not sure even where to begin these days.”
“An app?” I suggested before taking a bite of a chip. “There are all kinds of them these days. I bet you could meet a nice woman who also enjoys enchiladas, the outdoors, and small children.”
“Liking small children would be a must,” Dad agreed, tickling Lottie’s side until she giggled again.
Pushing up the sleeves of my Breton-striped shirt, I glanced over at a booth on the far wall. It was like seeing an alternate universe.
A couple with a little girl about Charlotte’s age were sitting there eating guacamole and laughing over something the man had said. The man had dark features, while the little girl’s tendrils of hair matched her mother’s strawberry-blonde curls.
More striking than her hair was her large solitaire diamond catching the overhead light. The way that ring sparkled and gleamed, my attention was held prisoner by the clear stone and all it symbolized. That woman appeared to have a happy life. She had a partner who smiled at her brightly. They had a cute daughter and the means for her to carry a designer handbag.
I didn’t care about the trappings of their life, but I did wonder what it was like. On the more difficult days of parenting, I imagined it must’ve been easier having a supportive partner around, sharing your bed and your experiences. Daydreams of a life like that danced through my mind.
“What are you looking at?”
I snapped to attention at Dad’s question. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been staring into the distance, but I took a quick sip of my lemon water and smiled.
“I was just thinking about what you said about finding someone,” I admitted.
Appearing encouraged, Dad offered tenderly, “I know it was just you and Lottie at first, but look at how many people are in your lives now. You’ve got me and Jessica here. My family in Charlottesville and your mother’s family in Richmond all love you. It might be a little daunting to trust someone else with Lottie and yourself, but I think finding someone might be good for the both of you.”
I nodded slowly, “You’re right, Dad.”
The only trouble was that I didn’t want someone. I wanted Jason Miller.
There was no point in denying that our first night together had been a random blip. Some secret corner of my heart wanted to belong to Jason. There were boyfriends before Jason, but none of their kisses haunted me for days on end. A single look from those boys couldn’t make me melt.
Though I couldn’t say it aloud, I didn’t want to go back to those guys. I had no interest in finding anyone new. I’d only be comparing them to Jason. If I ever tried to kiss someone else, I knew I’d just be thinking about how they weren’t wearing the right cologne or how they couldn’t kiss me with the same fervor.
I didn’t want a happy ending with anyone else. I couldn’t imagine it.
Still, my father unwittingly gave me a good piece of advice. It was daunting to have Jason return so abruptly, but I promised to give him space in my, or rather, our daughter’s life. I’d made space for Dad, Jessica, and other loved ones. Why couldn’t I be open to making space for Jason as well?
If I just let him into our world, I could become that woman across the restaurant, living my best life with a man I adored. However, there was just one problem. My father would never approve of that life. He would possibly put Jason in a grave before I could ever reach my happy ending, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try.
For Lottie’s sake and mine, it was time for me to give Jason Miller a chance.
