Dirty Ginger by Stacey Kennedy

8

When the alarm went off the following morning, Amelia groaned her displeasure. She snatched up her cellphone off her nightstand and turned the alarm off, feeling like she’d hardly slept at all. Last night all she’d done was toss and turn, a thousand thoughts spinning on her mind. The biggest, most important one: why did Beckett not jump at the chance to sleep with her? She’d known he’d always been sweet, but who was this patient man who didn’t think of sex first? Beckett was pure passion, or at least he had been when she’d first met him in high school, when she was a freshman and he was a senior. He’d always had his eyes set on the rodeo, never planning on going to college. He knew his path and what he wanted out of life, her included, and she’d fallen madly in love with that passion. But in Amelia’s final month of high school, the accident took his mother and grandfather’s life, and Beckett’s world shattered. She’d stayed with him until weeks before she left for college, fighting for their relationship. But she’d failed to reach him again. He’d told her to go and move on, and she had. Beckett wasn’t pushing her away anymore, but he wasn’t rushing things either. He was the same passionate, sweet guy she once knew, but he wasn’t letting things go any further. She couldn’t figure out what game he was playing or if he was playing a game at all.

Figuring she was just going to drive herself crazy by thinking this over, she set to showering and getting ready for her day. Down in the kitchen twenty minutes later, she watched the coffee maker brew and yawned when her front door opened.

“Amelia?” Penelope called.

“In here,” Amelia answered, pouring herself a cup of coffee and adding sugar and cream before stirring it. She caught the incredible scent of baked apples and smiled before Penelope walked through the doorway. “You brought my favorite?” she asked.

Penelope offered the box with a smile. “It’s my bribe for you to tell me everything going on with you and Beckett.”

Amelia laughed, happily accepting the box. “It’s a good bribe.” She set the box down on the counter and opened the lid, her mouth instantly watering. The apple fritters from the bakery downtown were the best, and Amelia took a bite before she added, “Honestly, there is not much to tell, but thanks for breakfast.”

Penelope took another one of the to-go mugs out of the cupboard and made herself a coffee before giving Amelia a once-over. “If there’s nothing much to tell, then why do you look so perturbed?”

Amelia lifted her brows. “I look perturbed?”

“Okay, weird word, I know,” Penelope said, and then gave a slight shrug. “But that’s how you look. Like, bothered in a way I’ve never seen you bothered before.”

Amelia snatched up her to-go mug with her free hand. “Come on, I need to get some beer brewing and I’ll explain.”

Penelope quickly followed Amelia out of the house, devouring her apple fritter on the way. When Amelia entered the brewery, she inhaled the clean scent and smiled. This she could work with. Brewing Foxy Diva was second nature now. Their beloved brew had come from their pops’ homemade brew that Amelia had altered a little after he passed. Amelia never would have told him during his life his beer was too bitter and too heavy, but all the Indian pale ale needed was a little love and it became a beer Amelia found pride in.

“All right, stop stalling and spill it,” Penelope said.

“First, follow me.” Amelia headed over to the milling station where a sanitized bucket sat beneath the mill. She grabbed a heavy bag of barley, she cut the top and using a grain scoop, she filled the mill to the top. She turned on the motorized mill, then stepped back closer to Penelope as the mill ground up the grain to expose the starches insides so the water could extract sugars and other unwanted ingredients. “I guess I am little perturbed. So, things with Beckett… well, they’re heating up.”

Penelope cocked her head. “Is that a bad thing?”

Amelia tried to gather up the thoughts running through her head, and she failed miserably. “It’s confusing, because is this wrong?”

Penelope took a seat on one of the turned over buckets. “Seeing him, you mean?”

“Yeah,” Amelia said, nibbling her lip as she added some more barley into the mill to crush the grain. “First of all, is it healthy for me to get involved with anyone so soon after Luka?”

Penelope frowned. “He did leave you at the altar. I’m not so sure you need to feel bad for anything, especially if that something is making you happy.”

Amelia considered that. “I guess, but should I go back to Beckett, to the past? Or am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak here?”

Penelope paused and gave a knowing look. “No matter who you date you always set yourself up for heartbreak.” Her expression softened. “But sometimes it works out if you take a leap of faith.”

Amelia exhaled a slowly breath. “But is it too soon to take that leap? We’ve got a complicated history. A past where there was a lot of love, but we grew apart. He knew that. I knew that. Our lives went in two different directions.”

“Okay, I get that,” Penelope said. “But you’ve certainly found your way back to each other.”

Amelia hit the stop on the mill and switched out the bucket beneath for an empty one. While she put on the lid on the full bucket, she added, “I think that might be the problem.”

“Because…?” Penelope drawled.

Amelia stopped dancing around what was going on in her heart. She turned to Penelope, and in the warm friendship she had with her cousin, she laid it all on the line. “Because last night, Beckett didn’t take a step forward with me. He took a step back, and I’m bothered. Clara kept warning me that it couldn’t be a casual thing with Beckett, which I knew, but honestly, he was just making me feel good and happy and I liked that. I thought it could be casual. So why am I torn up that he didn’t want to come to my bed last night? We kissed and stuff, but this isn’t kissing and stuff feelings, this is more. And I just can’t help but wonder if I’m making a big mistake here. I mean, I was just left at the altar, about to marry someone else. Shouldn’t I be more broken up about that?”

Awareness filled Penelope’s eyes. “No, because that asshat made a mess of your heart. You’re allowed to move on from Luka the very next day if Beckett makes you happy.”

A headache loomed, and Amelia rubbed at her temple.

“So, is that what it is? You feel like it’s too soon?”

Amelia sighed, adding more barley to the mill before continuing. “It feels like it’s too soon for anything serious. But I also feel rejected and hurt that he turned me down last night, and I’m not sure I have the right to feel that way.”

“I see,” Penelope said. “That is confusing.”

“Exactly,” Amelia agreed with a nod. The mill suddenly stopped, and Amelia sighed once more, pushing the thoughts from her mind. Clara was right – she didn’t have a clear head, and she needed to get that before she saw Beckett again. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. “I really need to get a couple batches of Foxy Diva going. What are your plans for today?”

“I’ll be in the office arranging tours for next weekend now that you’re back.” Penelope opened her arms, and Amelia walked into them as her cousin offered, “Maybe all you and Beckett need is to have a really good talk about what he wants out of this. Maybe he’s just holding back because he doesn’t want to rush you, considering what happened with Luka.” She hesitated, then gave Amelia a sweet smile. “Beckett has been single for a long time. He punched Luka square in the face when he broke your heart. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see why he did that.”

“Maybe,” Amelia said. “Thanks for the talk.” She stepped out of Penelope’s arms. “Love you.”

“Love you back.” Penelope blew her a kiss before heading toward the office.

With Penelope gone, Amelia focused on her work, grabbing the full buckets and headed over to the mash tun, where the crushed malt gets mixed with very hot water, creating enzymes that convert the starches in the malt into sugars and dextrins that eventually becomes the body of the beer. She fell into the rhythm of brewing the beer she loved. Once the mash was complete, the liquid now in the boil kettle to boil for the next ninety minutes, she cleaned the mash tun, putting the spent grain in a large tub that the Blackshaw Cattle Ranch would pick up to use as livestock feed. And by the time the second batch of Foxy Diva passed through the heat exchanger to cool before fermentation, she could finally breathe again, knowing she had the brewery back in order.

She’d spent a few hours coming up with sample ideas, only to realize in the end the ingredients wouldn’t give her anything she hadn’t seen before. Frustrated, and beating her head against the wall to come up with something new and fresh, she finally stepped out a couple hours before dinner, wiping the sweat off her forehead. A quick look next to the brewery and she realized that Penelope had left at some point, but everyone knew not to interrupt Amelia when she was brewing. She quickly took stock of her emotions, and realized she still felt off about Beckett.

Deciding she couldn’t wait any longer to get this resolved, she hopped in her car and drove over to Beckett’s work, knowing if he hadn’t called yet, he was likely training. As soon she drove up the driveway, she spotted him working a gorgeous strawberry roan horse in the sand ring. Not wanting to disturb him, she pulled off to the side of the driveway and got out, taking a seat on the hood of car and watching him.

One thing she had loved about Beckett back in the day was the respect and love he had for horses. Before the tragic accident, he’d had his beloved horse, Smokey, that he’d trained from a colt. That horse would have taken him all the way to the top. Together, they’d climbed up the calf roping rankings so fast, and his grandfather always looked on with pride. But everything changed after the accident. Beckett changed. Gone were his hopes and dreams, and he’d lost all his ambition to continue with the rodeo. And, in turn, he’d lost his way… and her too, giving up on their relationship and ending it without giving her a chance to save it.

And she’d tried to save it. She tried so damn hard. But Amelia had seen her once beautiful life with Beckett vanish, her happiness disappear, and no matter that it ripped her heart out to leave Beckett, she had to continue with her life. Only she couldn’t have imagined this was where she’d end up.

Standing in the center of the ring, Beckett clucked his tongue and hit the rope he held against his leg, sending the horse cantering around the sand ring. He stepped a little closer, lifting up the rope, the horse skidded to a halt, spun, and then after Beckett tapped his leg again, the horse cantered off. Watching his connection to horses felt so familiar, so good.

He clucked his tongue again and the horse moved faster, and Beckett began working the rope over his head. Every move precise. Each circle of his wrist exact. And at the exact right moment, he threw the rope, expertly sliding it over the horse’s head with ease. He pulled the horse tight and called, “Whoa.”

The mare stopped and turned directly to him. Amelia didn’t know much about horses, but Beckett had always told her that when he had the horse’s eye contact and curiosity, he had everything.

For a reason she didn’t quite know, she needed to get closer, just to get a peek of that smile on his face. A smile so familiar, and one she hadn’t seen in so long. When she closed in and caught the full force of it, her breath hitched as everything in her finally settled, like the sand in the ring returning back to the hard ground. Beckett looked at peace, and she felt right at home.

* * *

Some cowboys missedthe beauty of truly connecting with a horse, earning that horse’s trust, and developing a relationship. But Beckett always took the time to make that connection as a teenager, training horses with his grandfather. And he took the time now, reveling in watching Autumn learn to trust him. Earlier today when he roped Autumn, she’d bolted, running in fear. Now she turned to face him, looking to him for guidance. A step in the right direction. He approached and she lowered her head as he stroked her face. “You might have a lot of fire, sweetheart, but you sure as hell got a lot of heart.” She nudged him away and he laughed, slowly taking the rope over her head.

As he turned to give her a much-needed break before he ponied her out for a ride to finish off their day, he caught the most unexpected surprise leaning against the fence. “My day just got better,” he told Amelia, approaching her.

She smiled, and the closer he got, the more he locked into the warmth in Amelia’s eyes, the softness there. She had not looked at him like this in… he couldn’t remember the last time.

“What’s got you smiling?” he asked, settling at the fence between them.

She stepped onto the bottom fence, resting her arms on top. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you rope. You had the biggest smile on your face. Did you know that?”

He didn’t realize he had been smiling. “No, did I?”

“The biggest I’ve seen on your face in a very long time,” she said, her eyes smiling at him. “You’re so in your element. Do you miss it?”

“I never let myself miss it,” he told her, speaking a truth he’d never say aloud before. “When I decided to walk away from competing, I made peace with that.”

Her eyes narrowed in thought like she was searching for something. She finally asked, “Did you decide to walk away or was that chosen for you?”

He hesitated. “Fair point.” He glanced back to Autumn, who was eating the grass around the ring, realizing it wasn’t exactly a choice. To Amelia, he explained, “The accident changed things. It took away things. Things I couldn’t get back.”

She nibbled her lip, then offered, “Maybe it didn’t take away as much as you think. It sure looks like you still have a love for horsemanship, and clearly you’re still at the top of your game with roping.”

He was at his best, though he didn’t feel the need to confirm it. He’d never stopped training, never stopped roping whenever he got the chance. But he’d given up that dream a long time ago. “I can’t even imagine getting back into the rodeo. The traveling for competitions...”

Her smile brightened. “The traveling is the fun part. Remember all the places we went?”

“Yeah.” It occurred to him then that he’d done his best not to think about those memories too much. “We got to see some great places.”

She glanced at the horse, and Beckett took the time to admire the short jean shorts she wore and the navy-blue tank top that hugged her body in all the right ways. “Do you ever talk to any of your old friends from the rodeo?” she asked, drawing his attention back to her face.

The color in her cheeks told him she’d noticed his attention. He shook his head. “Tried to keep in touch, but it’s like two different lives in the rodeo and out of it.”

“That’s too bad,” she said. “You had some good buddies in there.”

He nodded his response, not denying that fact. But what was done was done, and that life belonged to his past, not his future. To change the subject, he asked, “What brings you by?”

“Oh,” she said, and then hesitated, nibbling that lip again. “I hit wall after wall trying to come up with new samples. Nothing worked. Everything sucked. So, instead of beating myself up, I wondered if you felt like hanging out.”

All that nibbling on her lip had him feeling like hanging in bed with her, but as he looked at the horse, he wasn’t ready to end his workday yet. “I need to get a short ride out and pony her.” An idea suddenly presented itself, and the thought warmed him. They always rode together back in the day, just the two of them. They’d spend hours out riding in the meadows and rolling in the grass whenever they could get their hands on each other. “Would you like to join us?”

Her eyes widened. “Go on a ride?” At his nod, she added, “Would Nash mind that?”

“Not at all,” Beckett told her. “We always need the lazy horses out for a ride and none of the cowboys like taking them out. You can ride Larry.”

She took a step backward as Beckett climbed the fence. “Who’s Larry?” she asked.

He hit the ground. “A fat, old horse that Nash bought Megan to ride when she was pregnant. Trust me when I tell you that he’s safe, won’t take a step out of place, and he most definitely needs the exercise.”

She laughed. “Okay, then yes, I’d love to go for a ride. It’s been so long.”

“How long?” he asked.

Her cheeks filled with beautiful color. “I only ever rode with you.”

Damn, he liked that something belonged just to them. “Well, then, let’s grab the tack and the horses and get out there.”

His chest swelled with happiness as she stepped into stride with him toward the barn. He led her down the aisle, with box stalls on either side. The only time horses came inside the barn was if they were injured or needed stall training. Nash believed in natural horsemanship with horses living outside as much as possible, and Beckett agreed with that method too.

She took a look around. “Is it always so quiet here?”

“No,” Beckett said, dryly. Most days there was a flurry of activity at the farm. “The team is moving the mares to another pasture to let the grass grow. It’s an all-day job.”

“Cool,” she said. A pause. Then her voice turned bubbly, “Oh, my goodness, how sweet is this?”

Beckett looked at what caught her attention. He smiled, fully understanding the sweetness in her voice. “It’s actually a bit of a sad story that has a happy ending.”

“Oh, yeah?” she asked, glancing his way with big eyes. “What happened?”

Beckett glanced into the stall, spotting the dark bay filly drinking from the mare. “This mare lost her baby two weeks ago.”

Amelia placed a hand on her heart. “Oh, no. That’s terrible.”

Beckett agreed with a nod. “Nash offered her as a nurse mare in hopes we could find her an orphaned foal. This sweet little babe was rejected by her mother, so she came in the other day and our girl, Nelly, took the baby on like she was her own. She’s a good mom.”

Tears were in Amelia’s eyes as she looked back to the mare. “You’re right. That is a sad story with a happy ending.”

Beckett found himself lost in Amelia’s heart. In his younger years, he never appreciated that heart for how special it was. Never realized how few women held pure gentleness and a nurturing soul. He imagined Amelia would act like Nelly, warm and affectionate, making her children feel loved.

Christ, he’d give everything he had for a chance to see her with his baby in her arms. Not getting too far ahead of himself, he cleared his throat and motioned to the tack room next to the feed room. “Let’s get going.”

She smiled. “Okay.”

In short time, they had the horses brought in from the field, tacked up, and were soon atop their backs and riding past the barn out to the meadow. Beckett glanced next to him, finding a peaceful expression on Amelia’s face as she rode Larry, who plodded along through the grassy meadows. Autumn kept next to the dark bay quarter horse, Danika, beneath him. He always used Danika to pony horses, needing a calm leader to teach them that going for a ride was a joy, not a punishment. While Autumn did well so far, Beckett kept her on the other side of Danika, away from Amelia and Larry. He kept a close eye on her, giving her corrections when she went too fast or became nervous and unsettled. Though Danika, a boss mare in the field, taught Autumn more than Beckett ever could.

As he and Amelia rode in peaceful silence, he thought about their relationship. Never in a million years would he have thought he’d gotten so far with Amelia so soon, which begged to question whether her feelings for him weren’t as buried as he thought. He knew when they’d broken up, he’d given her no other choice than to walk away from him. There’d been no joy in his life back then, only anger for all that had been stripped away. Not only the loss of his mother and grandfather, but his purpose. He’d lost sight of his dreams. While he considered going back to the rodeo a couple years ago, he didn’t have the money to support himself like he would have when he was younger and could have lived with his grandfather while he got going in the rodeo circuit. So, while he’d found peace that he’d given up that dream and found a job he truly loved with Nash, he hadn’t found peace with Amelia. He’d shut her out, along with everything else that he once loved.

Once they settled back into a walk from a trot, he couldn’t take his eyes off Amelia’s beauty, his breath trapped in his throat. He studied the delicate lines of her cheekbones, the final hour of daylight hitting her, highlighting all the golden hues in her ginger hair. But it was the steadiness of her gaze that caught him up. She’d always given him that look when she had something on her mind. “Deep thoughts?” he asked.

She blinked, obviously coming out of whatever spell she’d been under. She met his gaze with a warm smile. “Seems to be all I do lately.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Her gaze held his. “I think the question is, do you want to talk about it?”

A sharp iciness hit his gut at the firmness in her stare. Toward the end of their relationship, he’d been closed off and shut down whenever she wanted to talk about things going on in is life. He’d never make that mistake again. “There is no question that I won’t answer,” he told her. “But I reserve the right on when I choose to answer it.”

She considered, resting her hands on the pommel of the saddle. “Okay, that’s fair.”

He inclined his head. “What’s the question, then?”

“When did you become like this?”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Like what exactly?”

“At peace.”

He knew the line he walked. He couldn’t throw too much at her. “Some of the changes are simply growing up and maturing, I think. But the biggest changes in my life happened a month after you left for school.”

“What happened?”

“Everything changed after you left.” Beckett made the slight correction to Autumn, as Danika pinned her ears, curling up her nose as the mare got too close. With the horses settled, he blew out a long breath and allowed himself to go back to the darkest time of his life.

Beckett squeezed his skull, hoping to ease the hard throbs in his head. His mouth was bone dry. His stomach queasy. He forced himself to open one eye, realizing he wasn’t at home. He was lying on Hayes’ couch in his living room. He peeled open another eye, and when the room stopped spinning, he also realized he wasn’t alone.

Hayes sat on the recliner in the corner, fury written into every hard line on his face. “Beckett,” he said.

“Mornin’,” Beckett groaned. He sat up, noticing the glass of water with two pain killers waiting for him on the coffee table. He tossed back the meds, and his stomach nearly rejected the blessing.

“Everyone has a rock bottom,” Hayes said the moment Beckett set down the glass. “This is yours. You’ve hit it. There is nowhere else to go but six feet under.” He hesitated, and then his voice softened. “You have become the one thing you swore you’d never become.” Beckett steeled himself, but he still wasn’t ready for the blow, “You’ve become your father. You’ve got no joy in your life, no happiness, not a damn thing.”

Beckett forced himself to hold Hayes’ gaze, even though everything inside of him felt weak and broken and he wanted to curl up into himself.

When Beckett stayed silent, not having words to explain, Hayes continued. “Do you have any recollection of what happened last night?”

Beckett fought through his hazy memories. “I remember going to the bar.”

“You don’t remember the fight?”

A quick look down revealed scraps on Beckett’s knuckles, and now aware of it, the corner of his lip felt sore. It occurred to him then that the pain in his head wasn’t only from a hangover. “A fight? Shit, no, I don’t remember that.”

Hayes exhaled a long breath, shaking his head slowly, his lips pressed into a thin line. “Everyone has told me to stay quiet. To let you figure this out. But I can’t keep doing that. Not anymore. Why are you destroying yourself?”

Beckett stared into his best friend’s eyes, saw the warm affection there. The only affection he had left in his life. He barely managed, “You know why.”

“Because you lost Amelia?”

Beckett let silence be his answer.

Hayes growled, “That’s a fucking cop out, you know that.”

The fury in Hayes’ voice snapped Beckett’s gaze up, and his friend glared fiercely. “You haven’t lost shit. You let her walk right out of your life because you’re too damn afraid to face the shit in your past and to deal with your father. So, now, you’re drowning yourself in booze and giving up. Tell me why.”

Beckett forced his voice through his pained throat. “She deserves better than me.”

“Then be better. Do better.” Hayes tapped the side of his head. “Get this better, so when she comes home, you’re who she deserves.”

“So, that’s exactly what I did,” Beckett said, accepting the coldness in his chest at the memory instead of pushing it away. But pride was in there too that he could talk about this now and he’d done the work to heal very broken parts of his soul.

She watched him with big eyes. “You bettered yourself for when I came home after school?”

He nodded. “Yeah. And each day I got better. I go to therapy. Not as much now, only when I need to work through something. But back then, I talked through the accident and losing my mom and grandfather. The loss of not following through with the rodeo. Then we worked through my dad’s depression, and we found a way to deal with him by distancing myself emotionally but still being there for him.” He watched her expression closely, and she had her emotions very much in check. “Does that scare you to know that I was that broken?”

“Scare me?” she asked, glancing down at Larry’s head, as if mulling it over the idea. She finally met his gaze again and gave a soft smile. “No, Beckett, that doesn’t scare me. I’m really proud of you for doing what was good for you, and I’m so glad you pulled yourself out of that dark time.”

God, her heart warmed the hell out of him. He let silence come between them as he found Autumn now walking calmly next to Danika, with her head down, her gait slow. Horses fed off the humans they encountered, and he wondered if speaking of his weakness had helped calm her insecurities too. He hoped that was true. When he glanced back at Amelia, he found her staring right at him.

Her voice cracked. “Did you think I thought you were broken?”

“I wasn’t sure,” he said with a shrug. “But I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did.”

“I never thought you were broken or weak,” she said immediately. “I just didn’t know how to reach you after the accident. You were so…”

“Distant. Cold. Pushing you away,” he finished.

She nodded, her eyes welling before she glanced away and breathed deep. She stayed quiet for a long while, the horses’ legs rustling the tall grass they walked through before she broke the silence. “I wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t pushed me away.”

He gave a knowing smile. “Luka wouldn’t have existed in your world.”

Softness reached her gaze. “I suppose that’s probably true.”

He sensed all the things hanging between them. All the promises he could make now and never break. “But Luka did exist,” he added, unable to hide that particular truth, because if he learned one thing from therapy, it was he couldn’t hide from the truth. It drowned a person to hide away, just like it was drowning his father.

“You’re right, he did,” she said with a sigh.

Though Beckett saw something unexpected in her expression. Not sadness. Not anger. But resolve, and nameless things he couldn’t identify.

Obviously done with the heavy talk this evening, she finally let out a long breath and then sent a smile that tripped his heart. “Tonight, we’re having a big family dinner, would you like to come?”

Beckett smiled, a deep hole in his chest mending a little. He was getting this right with her, and it made the years of facing his pain worth it. “I’d love to. Nothing beats dinner around the Carters’ table.”

She returned the smile and then glanced out at the Colorado beauty ahead of her. Until she suddenly gasped, “Shit!”

Autumn spooked. Beckett quickly settled her and then turned to Amelia. “What’s wrong?”

She slowly looked at him, giving a wide grin. “Those beer samples, the ones I’ve been struggling with?”

“Yeah?”

Her eyes danced. “I think you’ve just given me the answer I’ve been looking for.” She spun Larry, clicked her tongue, and took off cantering toward the farm.

Autumn began prancing, and Beckett chuckled, shaking his head. He did what he felt like he’d been doing since the day he met her outside of their high school. He chased after her.