The Sugar Queen by Tess Thompson

19

Brandi

Later,Trapper drove Dad and me to my apartment. We’d agreed that Dad would stay tonight in my bedroom. I’d drive out to Trapper’s after I got Dad settled.

“Would you like something to drink or some of the dinner?” I asked as we climbed the stairs. “I’ll need to change the sheets on my bed, but that’ll only take a minute. We can talk after, if you’d like.” After Mom had left, the five of us had sat awkwardly until Trapper suggested we take Dad to my place. Rose packaged some of her delicious lasagna up for us before we left.

“I’m not too hungry.” He raked his fingers through his sandy-colored hair and lowered himself onto the couch. “I don’t suppose you have any scotch?”

“I don’t. Wine or beer?”

“Beer.”

I fetched it from the refrigerator and then handed it to him. “I’m going to heat up the lasagna. You should eat something, even if you don’t feel hungry.”

He nodded before taking a sip of the beer. I set the plastic bin Rose had sent home on the table. After scooping a few squares onto plates, I microwaved them. The scent of Rose’s homemade tomato sauce filled the room as the meal warmed.

I set a plate of steaming lasagna on the coffee table in front of him. He didn’t even glance in that direction. Instead, he stared into space with blank eyes. I’d not seen him like this often. Once, when I was a child after his mother died, I’d found him sitting with his knees pulled to his chest on the kitchen floor. We’d been to the funeral and wake that afternoon, and he still wore his black suit. I was only eight and frightened to see my usually peppy father completely gutted.

I’d stood before him and whispered, “Dad?”

His eyes had raised to look into mine. “Brandi? What’re you doing?”

“Looking for you.”

He’d opened his arms and I’d gone to him, sitting on his lap as he buried his face in my hair. “You’re my whole life, baby girl. Don’t ever forget that or how much I love you.”

“Dad?” I asked now. “What can I do?”

His gaze flickered my way. “We’ve had problems for a long time.”

“You and Mom?”

“Yes. Really, since the beginning.”

“I never saw you fighting.”

“We didn’t fight. Ours was more a war of silences.”

I knelt on the soft rug with my hands clasped and stayed quiet, hoping he would tell me more, even as it made me cringe to hear.

“She blamed me…blames me for how her life turned out. She’d wanted to be a doctor. Did she ever tell you that?”

“No. Only that she’d wanted to attend college and have a career.”

“Here’s the thing about life, Brandi. You can spend it making excuses for all the ways you didn’t get what you want, or you can adjust and find new ways. After we had you, I went to college. I knew I needed a degree or I’d never be able to take care of you and your mother the way I should. My mother offered to take care of you so that Malinda could go too. But she refused. She said there was no way she would ever make it into medical school while raising a family. So she gave up. It was almost an active, aggressive decision to stop trying. Her misery was a punishment to me.”

“Were you ever in love? I mean, before me?”

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’d like to say yes, Brandi. Doesn’t every little girl want to have come into the world because of a great love story?”

“But you weren’t? You married only because of me?”

“I loved her. She never felt the same way I did. I was a summer fling, I guess. The city girl plays camp counselor and has an affair with the small-town boy. It was never supposed to be more than that. I mean, it’s hard to know what you feel when you’re eighteen years old and scared out of your mind.”

“True. But I knew I loved Trapper. I knew I wanted to keep our baby.”

He gave me a sad smile. “You’ve always been so sure of your feelings and never one to keep them to yourself. I’ve always admired how you love with your whole heart. How unafraid you are to let people know how you love them. That’s what broke my heart the most about what happened. After the baby died, it was like all the life went out of you. You shuttered your heart.”

“Losing Trapper and the baby broke me. But I’ve been put back together since he came back to me. There’s a part of me that will always grieve my child. That never goes away.”

“I’ve always felt bad about what happened. I mean, the way we handled things. I tried to fight your mother on the adoption route. We went round and round about what we should or should not do about the baby. She was adamant that your life shouldn’t be stunted because of a baby, especially if you had to raise her on your own. If I’d fought her on it, she would most certainly have kicked you out of the house. I knew I’d lose you forever if that happened.”

“Why didn’t you leave her?” I asked. “If you were both miserable, why stay?”

“I didn’t want to break up our family. Her motivations are more complicated, I think. What her family thought of her always influenced her decisions.”

“What do you mean?”

“She never wanted them to think she’d failed at anything. That’s why she was supermom even though she would’ve been happier as a career woman—a working mother.”

It was true. I’d had every lesson imaginable: piano, karate, swimming, ice-skating, skiing. Lunches were packed in perfect, shiny tin boxes with all the food groups covered. A calendar with all my activities was color-coded and hung in the kitchen. She spent hours with me after dinner guiding my homework. Endless flash cards and study techniques. Despite all that, all I ever wanted or excelled at was baking and being Trapper’s best friend. “I’ve been a terrible disappointment to her.”

“We let you down. As far as the dyslexia, I should’ve known something was wrong. Denial’s a strange thing, isn’t it? I’ve always been so conflict-averse that I’ve walked away from too many fights. I should’ve fought for you.” His chin dropped to stare into the beer bottle between his legs. “It was always easier to focus on work. I asked for as much travel as I could get, just to get away. I’m sorry, Brandi. I should’ve done better by you. We were so young. I didn’t know anything, especially about how to be a good father.”

“You were a good father,” I said. “No one is perfect. Mom presented special challenges for both of us. I just remember thinking if I could be a good girl or a better girl, she would be happy. Nothing I did changed the bitter way she moved through the world. And then to get pregnant. The very thing she’d warned me about every day of my life. I can only imagine how awful that must have been for her. I can’t help but feel like bringing this whole thing back into our lives has caused you so many problems. I’m sorry, Dad.”

“You haven’t caused this,” he said. “I’ve been sleeping in the den since Easter.”

“Why haven’t you moved out? You could’ve stayed with me.”

“I guess I’ve held out hope that we could work through our issues. That’s been an error on my part. For many, many years.”

“Will she be all right? I mean, financially?”

“I’ve been smart with money. Inheriting the house and property has made it easy to save. I’ll be generous in the financial agreement. She’ll be fine.”

I hesitated for a moment, getting up from the floor to sit next to him on the couch. “It would mean a lot to me to have your blessing on my marriage. Can you forgive the past and embrace Trapper as part of the family?”

“Honey, you have it. I’ve always liked him. I could hardly hate him for doing the very thing I did at that age. And anyway, he makes you happy, so I’m happy. From the moment I held you in my arms, I’ve wanted only for you to be content and loved.”

“Thank you, Dad.” I leaned my head against his shoulder.

“I want you to know that the best thing that ever happened to me was you. I’m proud of you and always have been.”

“A fresh start will be good for you, Dad.”

“If I may, I’d love to walk you down the aisle tomorrow.”

“Really? I would love that.” I threw my arms around him, and he hugged me close.

“Promise me one thing,” he said.

I pulled away, sitting next to him on the couch. “What is it?”

“That when your mother cools off and reaches out to you, you’ll answer. Don’t let her latest actions define your entire relationship.”

“I’m not sure I can promise you that. Not right now, anyway.” Her words had been too hurtful. A period of time would have to pass first. “But I’ll work on forgiveness.”

“That’s all I can ask.”

“Good. Now, you need to eat some of Rose’s lasagna. You’re going to need your strength if you’re going to walk me down the aisle.”