Disorder by J.L. Weil

Chapter Nineteen

Iwouldn’t call what zoomed inside my belly butterflies. It was more like a swarm of bees buzzing around inside me, stinging me, poisoning me with their venom.

Today I went back to the Academy.

My nightmare hadn’t ended the moment I stepped foot inside the Edwards’ home, despite how sheltered I felt within the walls of this large house. Sure, last night I slept soundly and without any horrible dreams, but it didn’t matter.

Awake or asleep, my demons waited.

Grayson drove me to school after a quick breakfast. Both his parents were already deep in work when we trotted downstairs. His dad was in the middle of negotiations for a new film, which meant long days and nights while he was home. I had yet to see him, but it was probably for the best. My stomach couldn’t handle any more anxiety. I was already seconds away from hurling the toast I managed to wash down with a cup of coffee.

Grayson steered the Viper onto Crest Boulevard, heading to school. “Are you nervous?”

I pulled my gaze from the window to regard him. “No, why?”

“Because you can’t sit still,” he commented, eyes drifting to my bouncing knee.

“Shit,” I mumbled, placing my hands over my legs to stop the jumbled nerves. “Honestly, I just want this day to be over. Fuck, I want this year to be over.”

“Look, I won’t lie to you. Things will be different when we get to school,” he warned.

“You don’t have to explain,” I insisted. I tugged at the hem of my plaid skirt. Another borrowed item from Kenna.

“We’re not abandoning you. But we have to keep our distance,” he explained, looking uncomfortable doing so. “At least, we’re supposed to make it look that way.” He flipped his blinker on as he switched lanes. “Brock needs to keep up appearances.”

I didn’t bother to suppress the eye roll. “For your information, I could care less what Brock fucking Taylor does.”

His lips mustered up into a smile. “Keep telling yourself that, Josie. Keep telling yourself that.”

I would.

And did the entire way I walked up to the school with Grayson by my side. The looks were expected. I had gotten the shit beat out of me, enough that I’d missed nearly a week of school. Of course people were curious. Not all the bruises had faded, but they were easier to conceal with makeup. This morning I looked almost normal, most of the evident traces of the fight hidden, unless you got up close and personal.

Grayson stiffened as we reached the pathway that led to the front entrance, and I lifted my head to see what tangled his boxers. I assumed it would be Carter, enemy number one, and prepared myself.

Nope.

A pair of glacial aqua eyes snagged my gaze, and I swore the world froze. For a long moment, I could only see Brock.

But the bastard wasn’t alone.

Ava had her arms looped around his neck as she pressed her slim body into his. He lounged against the side of the building, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that he did so deliberately—as if he waited for me.

Ava’s lips curled like those of a possessive feline who had trapped the mouse. So damn proud of herself. She got rid of me and won the prize.

I wanted to slam her face into the concrete and paint the ground with her blood.

She had another think coming if she thought there wouldn’t be payback. I’d never thought of myself as vindictive. I could probably let the beatdown go, but seeing her clinging to my guy...

Fuck no.

I doubted he would appreciate it if I walked up and slapped Ava, although Grayson and I might find it amusing. Brock would be annoyed his plan had been foiled. It was all about the deception for him—seeking revenge.

Grayson bent down and whispered in my ear, “He is going to ruin her. Just remember that.”

Brock’s lips curved arrogantly, but what no one noticed was the firming of his jaw. He fought to keep the sneer in place. This guy… he wasn’t my Brock.

Grayson guided me to the entrance under the sharp archway of the Academy, and as he went to pull the door open for me, a group of girls giggled. Grayson rolled his eyes. “Ignore them.”

Micah appeared on the other side of me just as I walked inside, looping an arm around my neck and pulling me against him for a sort of half hug. “Finally, you’re back. This place is so fucking boring without you.” His light blue eyes twinkled like he was up to no good, which he usually was.

“Hey to you too,” I greeted, leaning into him.

“You’ve been here for like two seconds and already got the school buzzing.” His platinum hair was messily styled so it stood up on one side. Two dimples kissed either side of his cheeks.

“I live to entertain,” I grumbled, eyeing the halls that stretched out on either side of us. Chatter echoed off the stone walls as everyone prepared for class and caught up on their weekend. It died down just slightly as the three of us passed by, but that was fairly normal when the Elite were around. “Aren’t you supposed to ignore me or something?

Micah kept his arm around me as I headed to my locker, but I didn’t mind. There was something nice and comforting about being snuggled by him.

Grayson scowled as we turned the corner. “If your hands go any lower, bro, I’m going to have to kick your ass,” he warned Micah. I hadn’t even noticed Micah’s wandering hand on the small of my back. He had slipped a finger into the belt loop on my plaid skirt.

Micah’s grin widened. “I’d like to see you try.”

“Besides, Brock just walked in, and he looks like he wants to kill you,” Grayson added, glancing to the side.

The smile on Micah’s lips remained in place. “Good. He should have to suffer too, don’t you think, Josie Jo?”

I grinned up at Micah, avoiding Brock. “I knew you were my favorite.” I grabbed my notebook out of my locker and shoved it inside my bag alongside my laptop before facing the guys.

Grayson frowned.

Micah winked at me. “I’m everyone’s favorite.”

Shaking my head, I started walking to my class. “I can’t believe I thought I missed you guys.”

Grayson snorted.

“Where’s Fynn?” I asked. I’d seen them all but him this morning.

“With Mads,” Micah replied, striding alongside me and sharing a look with Grayson.

“She’s got security detail?” I guessed, doing my best to ignore all the glances we were getting.

Micah nodded. “Brock’s orders.”

I imagined Mads was cursing Brock to seven different kinds of Hell. “Oh, I’m sure Mads loves that.”

Micah snickered. “She’s lucky it’s him and not me.”

The material of my plaid skirt rubbed against the side of my legs as we strutted down the hall. “When are you going to admit that you have a thing for her?”

His retort was quick. “As soon as she admits she can’t live without my dick.”

Grayson made a noise in the back of his throat. “That’s my cousin, dude.”

I was with Grayson on this one. “Oh, my God, you’re impossible. I should punch you in your dick for saying that,” I said to Micah.

“Go ahead. I dare you,” the bastard challenged, grinning the entire time like there was nothing he would love more.

“Dude! Stop fucking flirting with my sister. I can’t take it,” Grayson blurted. “It’s bad enough she’s banging one of my friends.”

Hearing Grayson call me his sister brought a smile to my lips, so I overlooked the fact that he’d brought up Brock.

Micah shrugged, looking anything but remorseful. “It’s not my fault she’s hot.”

“But it is your fault that you’re a horny douchebag,” Grayson pointed out.

“God, I really need to get laid,” Micah muttered, his gaze shifting to me.

I lifted my hands in the air and took a step away from the wickedly charming smile on Micah’s face. “Don’t look at me. I’m not a damn standby girl. I’m only screwing one of you. Period. Not one of you at a time. Just one. Ever. And stop looking at me like that.”

Grayson shoved him halfheartedly on the shoulder. “Go to class.”

As Micah turned to go down the opposite hall, he slapped my ass. Not hard, but enough to cause me to squeal and Grayson’s frown to deepen. “I swear to God, some girl needs to break his heart,” my triplet grumbled, his glare burning into Micah’s retreating back.

My morning in general went by pretty uneventfully. I didn’t have any classes with either Ava or Brock, which allowed me to just concentrate on making sure I was all caught up. But of course, my mind wandered frequently. I couldn’t seem to get the picture of him and Ava together this morning out of my head.

I never thought I would admit it, but I actually missed having the guys walk me to class. I found myself looking for them after each bell and the disappointment as the day dragged on never lessened.

Mads waited by my locker at lunch. Fynn was with her. It was the first time I’d seen him all day.

He offered me a grin. Fynn had a smile that literally melted hearts. He was the sweetheart of the bunch—a big guy with an even bigger heart.

I didn’t know why the fuck he hung around with the others.

Shoving my shit into my locker, I steeled myself, taking a deep breath. You can do this. No big deal. It’s pretend. Fake. Just like the bitch herself.

But when I walked into the cafeteria and saw Ava and Brock sitting at the Elite table, there was nothing fake about what I felt. Jealousy slammed into me—hot and fierce, lancing through the anxiety I’d been feeling.

“Josie.”

It was only then that I realized Mads had called my name more than once. “Sorry. I can’t help it. I just want to kick her in her kitty.”

Fynn chuckled.

Mads glared in Ava’s direction. “I’ll hold her down. You do the kicking.”

Forcing my gaze away, I glanced at Mads. “You’re such a good friend.”

Fynn towered over me as we moved into the lunch line. “Girls are crazy. This is exactly why I don’t date. You totally strike me as the kind of girl who would slash my tires and key my car.”

I was pretty sure he didn’t mean that as a compliment, but I took it as one. “Fuck yes, I would.”

“Don’t forget to take a crowbar to the windows,” Mads added.

Fynn grabbed a food tray and two milk containers. “Should I be worried about Brock or his car?”

“Both,” Mads and I said at the same time.

“I hope you know I’m not sitting anywhere near that bitch.” I grabbed a water bottle and a salad off the buffet, not really hungry. I lost my appetite the second I laid eyes on my guy with another girl.

“Same. I’m with Josie,” Mads agreed as she reached for hummus wrap. “The whole situation is fucked-up enough as it is.”

My back was to them and yet, I felt their eyes on me, particularly Ava’s. “I can’t even be in the same room with them.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but no part of this is easy for him either.”

Something in Fynn’s voice, the way he said the statement felt true, but I ignored that intuition. “Well, he does a shitty job of showing it.”

Fynn had a tray full of food. If I didn’t know him and his never-ending appetite, I would wonder where he put it all. “You know Brock. He isn’t going to let it show. He’ll ice everyone out until it’s done.”

“Don’t try and pull on my heartstrings, Fynn. Not cool. Right now, I just need to hate him.”

Mads looped her arm through mine, steering me to the opposite side of the lunchroom. “And hate him we will.”

When Fynn, Micah, and Grayson joined the table Mads and I sat at in the far corner of the room, I was taken aback. Even Mads seemed surprised. She lifted a brow at Micah as he spun the chair next to her around and straddled it, dropping the tray of food. “What are you doing?” she demanded, eyeing the playboy who’d broken her heart. “You’re supposed to be avoiding her.”

Micah flashed her a grin, and I swore the girls at the next table sighed. “Making your day.”

Mads was immune to those dimples. “Try ruining it more likely,” she griped.

Micah wasn’t deterred. He rarely was. “Come on, Mads, you know deep down you harbor a lady boner for me.”

She peeled open her sandwich, showing more interest in it than in the gorgeous platinum-haired guy beaming at her. “I honestly don’t know what anyone sees in you.”

His smile brightened. “It’s the dimples. Kills them every time.”

I wasn’t sure I could sit here and watch them weirdly flirt. I wanted no reminders of love. And once the two of them got started…

“So, what lie did Brock tell Ava to explain why the three of you are still talking to me?” I quickly interjected before the sexual banter continued.

Grayson and Fynn both looked relieved. “That you’re a standby girl,” Micah explained, looking all too happy with the lie.

I choked. “He did what?” That prick. I did what I’d told myself not to do. I snuck a glance over at Ava and Brock. Pain lanced through my chest. He couldn’t have come up with a better excuse? I swear he did it on purpose, just because he knew it would rile me up. “How much longer is this going to last?”

Fynn cast a glance at the table duo in question. “Until Brock destroys her.”

Grayson's gaze followed Fynn’s, his lips pulled into a straight line. “What she did was unforgivable in his book. She never should have touched you. That was just as good as issuing her own death sentence. He is ruthless when he needs to be.”

“What happens next? What will he do to her?” I asked, not that I was the least bit concerned about her. It was Brock who I worried about. These kinds of actions left scars.

Micah dug into his burger. “Who knows. But it will definitely create fireworks,” he said as he munched. “Shit, it will be memorable as fuck.”

I found it impossible not to sneak glances at Ava and Brock’s table, despite how hard I tried to resist. My willpower when it came to him was pathetic. The other Elite might have chosen to sit with Mads and me, but that didn’t mean Brock and Ava were alone. A few other football players and Ava’s squad gathered around.

I didn’t know if Ava noticed, but Brock seemed to be looking at me each time my gaze roamed in his direction. So many questions relayed through those quick glances, and I ached for five minutes alone with him, except I knew we wouldn’t get much talking done. Those few moments would be spent doing sinful things to his mouth.

Relief poured through me when it was nearly time for my next class. Mads and I took our ritual pit stop to the bathroom, Micah trailing behind us.

Outside the girls’ bathroom, no Ava in sight, Mads spun around and put a finger into Micah’s chest, halting him. “We’re going to the bathroom. Alone,” she emphasized at the playboy who would have happily trailed us inside.

“You got five minutes before I come in there,” he warned, which didn’t really hit the mark when he grinned as he did.

“There is such a thing as smothering.” Mads quickly put her hand over his mouth as it opened and narrowed her eyes. “Don’t think about giving me some snappy retort about smothering me in some perverted position.”

Micah lifted a brow, his eyes dancing with humor and hints of desire.

My best friend ripped her hand away from his mouth. “Did you just lick me?”

“Just a little taste. As good as I remember.”

I rolled my eyes and shoved past them into the bathroom before things got kinky. Mads followed a second later, shaking her head. “He is unbelievable.”

I glanced at her reflection in the mirror. “Are you going to admit that you still have a thing for him?”

She sighed, leaning her butt against the sink. “Depends, are you going to admit you’re in love with Brock?”

I grimaced as she pulled out her routine after lunch cigarette. “Is it that obvious?”

She put the smoke in between her lips and flicked the lighter. Flames jumped to life. “Only because I know you and I’ve known Brock most my life,” she mumbled with the cigarette still clenched in her mouth and then lit it.

I groaned and locked myself into one of the stalls to pee.

“Grayson told me what happened with Carter and your mom. Are you okay?”

Flushing, I waited until I was at the sink to reply. “I think it might be a while before I’m truly okay. But for now, I’m just happy to not be alone. I don’t know what I would do without you or them.”

She held the cigarette between her fingers, a trail of smoke floating into the bathroom. “There was a reason we came up with that stupid plan. It’s like the universe knew how much you would need the Elite.”

I turned on the water and washed my hands. “I’m not sure I believe in fate, but if I did, I’d say destiny or whatever is a twisted son of a bitch.”

“I’m just happy you’re here.”

That made one of us. Being back at the academy was harder than I envisioned. Seeing Brock… made me want to run for the hills.

Mads boosted herself up on the sink, taking a long drag on her cigarette. “What did Aunt Liana do when she saw you?”

“She was a little confused,” I admitted, drying off my hands.

Her eyes grew wide as if to say, oh shit. “I imagine you gave her quite the shock, seeing you standing there.”

“God, she is so nice.”

“She is. She is going to freak out when she learns the truth. And I mean that in a good way. To get a child back after all that she’s lost…”

“I thought this was what I wanted, but now I’m not so sure I’m ready,” I stated.

“You don’t have anything to be nervous about. I get this is some life-altering shit and probably scary as hell, but if you don’t take this step, can you honestly say you won’t regret it?” she posed.

I met her reflection in the mirror as a defeated breath left me. “No.”

Mads crossed her legs. “That’s your answer. Now, tell me what’s it like sleeping in her room?”

Leave it to Mads to make something sound simple. “Weird. Super weird. But also…kind of nice. I get the chance to see Kenna, if that makes sense.”

She nodded, a speck of sadness moving into her eyes. “It does. I get it.”

I turned around and glanced sidelong at her. “No one here seems to like to talk about her.”

Mads blew out a cloud of smoke. “It’s been two years. People forget what they don’t see every day. But you remind them, those who knew her at least.”

The five-minute warning bell shrilled through the bathroom. “We should probably get to class.” Mads took one long inhale from her cigarette before putting it out in the sink and washing it down the drain. She hopped off the sink, fluffed her hair, and offered me a piece of gum as we walked to the door.

Micah’s head turned in our direction from where he leaned on the wall waiting. His brows were drawn together and his eyes lacked their usual twinkle. It didn’t take me long to figure out why.

Ava and Brock headed toward us, splitting off to go to class like everyone else. Ava’s eyes locked with mine, and her entire demeanor changed. She grinned like a demon swinging its pitchfork.

She slid her fingers into Brock’s hair, possessively.

Everything clenched inside me. Anger rose within me, swift and violent. My hands trembled as I curled them into fists and his eyes lifted to mine. For a split second, they pleaded with me to understand.

They looked like the perfect couple. The quarterback and the cheerleader. So very clichéd.

Brock was everything I wasn’t. Popular. Gorgeous. The idol of Elmwood Academy. How did we make sense?

Maybe he was better off with someone like Ava?

Those old doubts and insecurities of not being good enough crept inside me. I hated them, hated the way they made me feel less.

The flame built and built inside me until I felt as if I would explode. I was a light fuse, waiting to detonate.

Fuck this.

I stormed off to class.

* * *

I thought when the day ended my nerves would be gone.

So not the case.

Going home with Grayson meant the bomb I’d been waiting to drop was about to explode, which gave me anxiety like a motherfucker. It was difficult to explain what I felt. On one hand, it felt as if the truth would never come out. On the other hand, I was so scared of what would happen when it did. This was what they called a double-edged sword.

First I had to sit through Grayson’s grueling football practice, which I’d forgotten about or blocked from my memory. It was anyone’s guess.

Carter hadn’t shown up for school today. That added another layer to my uneasiness.

What had happened after I left on Sunday?

Had he told his father?

I’d expected Angie to blow up my phone, and her radio silence was cause for concern. It wasn’t like her to give up, to let go. She was a relentless bitch—a trait I thought I had inherited from her. Or perhaps it was learned behavior.

I sat in the back of the stands, my face hidden behind my laptop as I attempted to get my homework done. It was next to impossible when all I wanted to do was watch Brock.

How could I ignore him in ass-tight pants?

My self-control was at an all-time low or MIA altogether. If only I could make Ava disappear for good. Practice was almost fun since Ava and the cheer squad were practicing their annoying routines in the gym.

I leaned my chin on my hand, glancing over the rim of my laptop as Brock tossed a perfect spiral down the field. His gaze flipped to me the second it went into the receiver’s hands. These stolen glances between us were killing me. Did he not understand how difficult this separation between us was for me? Especially, since I pretty much had gone and done the one thing I told myself not to. I’d fallen for him.

Sweaty and stinky, Grayson drove us home after practice. Being confined in a car with a seventeen-year-old guy who just rolled around on the grass for an hour was not something I recommended to anyone.

I chewed on my chipped painted nail, a bundle of nerves. “Grayson, are you sure this is a good idea?”

He opened up the sunroof, allowing more air to move through the car. “Are you having second thoughts?”

At this rate, I’d have no nails left by the time we got to the Edwardses’ house. Clasping my hands together, I sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

Grayson eased the Viper to a stop at a red light and looked at me. “It’s better if we tell them than finding out on the evening news. We have no idea what Carter will do with the truth. Hell, as far as we know, your mom could be in jail already.”

With everything that happened, I’d been consumed with my own emotions. “Do you really think he would turn her in?” A thread of something like fear raced through my blood.

Grayson lifted a brow.

I thumped myself on the forehead with the palm of my hand. “I can’t believe I just asked that. Of course he would.” But I would know about it first. The police would open an investigation.

The light changed to green, and Grayson eased his foot onto the gas. “When the truth comes out, will you be okay with the fallout?”

“Honestly, I haven’t let myself consider it. She wasn’t a wonderful mom or an easy person to love.”

The wind whipped through his damp dark hair, drying the sweat. “But you do love her.”

I took a moment to consider, to try and put aside all the hurt and betrayal I felt. “Despite everything… I do. How fucked-up does that make me?”

“You can’t just erase seventeen years of history.”

Those emotions I suppressed for just a minute came gushing back. “I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m sad and confused. A part of me will always care about her, but I can’t forgive her. Not yet.”

“And you don’t have to. I think it might be best if we told our mom first. Alone,” he said.

Our mom.

My heart gave one giant yank in my chest. I turned my gaze out the window before Grayson caught the sudden water that sprang to my eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

But I hadn’t been quick enough.

“Are you crying?” he asked softly.

God, you would think I was on my period, as unstable as my emotions were. “No,” I replied, my voice sounding funny, giving me away. I snuck a glance at him, trying to hold back the tears.

His eyes returned to the road, mouth flattening. “Well, my triplet telepathy is calling bullshit.”

I rubbed at my eyes angrily. “That’s not a thing.”

He shrugged. “It could be. Kenna and I occasionally have had weird premonitions before.”

“I’ll keep that in mind the next time I get a strange feeling.”

Grayson turned the steering wheel with one hand, the other hand downshifting. “It’s okay, you know. You don’t have to be this brave badass chick all the time.”

My stomach fluttered. “You think I’m badass?”

He shook his head, one side of his mouth lifting. “Don’t let it go to your head. I’m trying to be serious here.”

Tears one minute and a grin the next. What a fucking car ride this was turning out to be. “Fine, continue having your big brother moment.”

He rolled his eyes. “You ruined it. But what I was trying to say is I can be brave for both of us, if you let me.”

I blinked, staring at him like Grayson was a virtual stranger. “Were you abducted by aliens recently? Where the hell is Grayson the prick? Since when are you a nice guy?”

The car ride wasn’t long enough. Grayson pulled into the long driveway, the Viper’s engine purring. He put the car into park and faced me, a dark smile twitching on his lips. “I’m not.”

That was better. Nice Grayson made me nervous, and I didn’t need any more help in that department. My eyes shifted to the enormous house looming in front of me. Shit was about to get real.

This was my do-or-die moment. I swallowed a knot that suddenly formed in my throat.