The Boyfriend Rivalry by Milana Spencer

19

Curtis: Bad Idea

Liam falls onto the bed beside me with an "oof", catching himself with his arms in time.

I laugh until I catch sight of Liam's pink face. He looks… unsettled. Maybe I shouldn't have pulled him down. "I'm sorry," I say.

"You did that on purpose." He rearranges his features into something plain, if a little grumpy, before flipping over into a sitting position, legs over the side of the bed. "So. What should we do?"

"We should study," I say. "I've been meaning to catch up on English."

Liam protests. I ignore him as I grab my English folder and laptop and spread everything out on the floor beside my bed. Liam says that I just want to copy his annotations. I pretend to scoff until I read his annotations and eat my words. Because, damn, Liam's notes are great. I never realised how good at English he is, but his writing is so eloquent and he's analysed the play we're studying in ways I've never thought of.

"You're such a bossy boots," Liam says as he watched me copy down his tiny notes written in the margins of his book. He's colour-coded everything with highlighters. It's perfect.

I stop writing and look at him. We're both on the floor, our backs leaning against my bed. "A bossy boots?"

"Mm-hmm." Liam continues typing on his computer without looking up.

No way, I think. I'm more of a people-pleaser, and I hate it. Though I guess I never felt like I had to do that with Liam.

An hour passes. My neck gets sore, so I lean my head back and glance at Liam's profile.

He's gay. He said so — not in so many words — but he confirmed it. I keep thinking about it in the back of my mind. I kind of want to ask him about it, because for some reason, I'm curious, but I don't want to bother him or be intrusive.

He wouldn't mind if I asked him, right? When I'm around Liam, he makes me feel like I can say or ask what I want without worrying so much.

I open my mouth to speak when someone knocks on the door. A moment later, Kennedy's head pokes into the room.

"Hi," she says, glancing at Liam before making eye contact with me.

"What's up?" Liam says.

"What are you two up to?"

"Studying English," Liam answers. "At the moment I'm writing up a quotes list. I can email it to you. I know Curtis is already going to steal it from me."

"Thanks, that'd be good." She clears her throat. "Curtis, do you want to go on a walk with me?"

After a moment of surprise, I clear my throat. "Sure," I say, standing up. "Er. I won't be long, I'll just put on my shoes and grab a jacket."

Kennedy nods. "I'll wait by the front door."

"Okay," I say.

After she leaves, Liam raises a brow at me. "Is everything okay with you?"

I dig a jacket from my duffel bag and put it on. "Um. Well…"

"You don't have to tell me."

"No, it's not that," I say, pausing by the door. "I just… I'll tell you later," I finish. I glance at him a final time, sitting there on the floor with his long legs out in front of him, before turning away and closing the door.

I meet Kennedy at the front door and pull on my shoes. Silently, we leave the house and weave through the front yard and onto the street. The sun has started to set, turning the clouds pink and purple. It's beautiful, especially when paired with the view of the ocean and the sound of waves crashing in the distance. A light breeze rustles the green shrubs that grow along the path.

"Is everything okay with you and Bonnie and Erin?" I ask.

Kennedy shrugs. Her mouth has been a grim straight line since we left, and the cold has stained her cheeks light pink. She's beautiful, but I think she's beautiful the way a movie star is beautiful. Or the way a stranger is beautiful. "There's been a change of plans." She doesn't elaborate further.

We reach a wooden staircase and walk down it until we step onto the sand. The wind picks up, pinching my skin.

"We should walk over there," I say, pointing to the sand that is darker with moisture. "It'll be firmer under our shoes."

Kennedy nods, and we walk across the damp sand, leaving shallow footprints.

"We should talk about what happened today," she says.

I nod but don't speak for another minute.

"We should," she continues, then inhales a wavering breath. "We should break up. Shouldn't we?"

The words make me take a step back, but I quickly recover. Kennedy catches it though and narrows her eyes at me.

"Isn't that what you wanted?" she says.

"I… I suppose."

"You suppose?"

"I don't know," I admit.

She stares at me before walking off, and I have to catch up with her.

"What do you want?" I ask her.

"I want to be in a relationship where my boyfriend wants to be with me," she says, then looks at me expectantly.

"I want the best for the both of us," I say. "You know how I feel when I said it all this afternoon. But you didn't get a chance to speak. What do you think about us?"

It takes her a few seconds to respond. "I don't know."

That's surprising — Kennedy always has an opinion on everything. Then again, I don't know either. I don't want to make hard decisions or have difficult conversations. A tiny part of me wishes I could take everything back and continue with the relationship without rocking the boat.

But I know I have to outgrow that part. That part likes this to be comfortable, wants to please everyone else, even at the detriment of what is right, or what I feel.

"I was content with our relationship," Kennedy says. "You're right. It wasn't serious or going to go anywhere. Not that people our age need serious relationships, but…" She digs a foot into the sand and wet sand sprays around her foot before she continues. "It was fun, spending time together, but… maybe we're not the most compatible."

I nod.

We walk for a couple of minutes more, and I look at the veined stone of the cliffs. Above us, seagulls fly in circles and caw. I wipe my palms on my pants. They've been clammy since I left the attic bedroom. I go through everything that has happened today — from the moment I woke up, still tired from the night before. Kennedy and me in the master bedroom. I couldn't concentrate, and it wasn't only because of Kennedy and my relationship. I kept thinking about him.

Then Erin arrived at the door. The five of us at the table. Liam and I in the bedroom, talking. The sadness I felt when I thought he had been pretending. The way my body felt light when he said he wasn't, and I could read in his expression that he was telling the truth.

I think about the other question I asked him.

The wind picks up and both of us cross our arms to keep our bodies warm. "I guess this is it," Kennedy says, looking ahead.

"Yeah." I stop and Kennedy stops, and we look at each other. "I want to still be friends," I say. "If you don't hate me."

She lets out a small laugh. "Oh, god. That's such a breakup cliche."

My lips twitch. "It's true though. Maybe… we should have just been friends from the beginning."

"Yeah," Kennedy says, then gives me a look. "I thought you were cute, though."

"Me too."

"You thought you were cute?"

I roll my eyes. "You know what I mean." I sigh. "Maybe we should have been friends with benefits," I joke.

"What's the difference between friends with benefits and boyfriend and girlfriend?" she asks.

"That sounds like a bad joke," I say.

"It's a genuine question." Kennedy's eyes pierce mine.

I take a moment to respond. "Feelings?"

Kennedy stares at me, and I wince. "Did that hurt your feelings?"

She shakes her head. "No. You're right. Maybe we should have just been friends."

We begin walking again, dodging pieces of seaweed on the sand. I keep glancing at Kennedy's face to make sure she's not upset, but she looks normal.

Sensing me watching her, she waves a hand at me. "Now, flatter me please, Curtis. This hurts my ego."

"What does?"

"The fact that everyone isn't in love with me," Kennedy says, casting me a look to know her tone might be serious, but she's joking.

I laugh. I'm glad she's taking this lightly. It makes me feel less guilty. It makes me feel okay for not feeling sad. Because I'm not sad. I'm feeling a little tense, and awkward, and numb… but I'm also feeling the lightness of relief.

"You're going to get the coolest boyfriend. Someone much cooler than me," I say. "Someone who understands the difference between social democrats and democratic socialists."

"Is that your definition of cool?" she asks.

"I know that's your definition of cool."

She lets out a soft laugh. "You're going to find someone who understands why we can't just print more money," she says.

I smile. Although, the thing is, my ideal person wouldn't have to understand inflation. They'd just have to let me talk about it. Or rather, I'd feel comfortable talking about it to them without worrying I was boring them, without worrying I wasn't doing the right thing. And I don't know why I felt so worried about failing Kennedy. I know she never would want me to feel that way. It was just something in my head. Something that stopped me from relaxing when I was dating her.

The beach starts to curve around, and Kennedy and I slow down to a stop. Above us, the town has been replaced with the highway.

"We should head back," I say.

Kennedy agrees and we turn around, this time the wind biting us right in the face.

"I feel like we're supposed to cry," Kennedy says, after five minutes of silence. I've been using the time to keep my head down to avoid the burn of the wind. "People cry when they break up."

"Maybe we're not crying because it was a very civil mutual breakup. Unless… are you going to cry?"

Kennedy gives me an incredulous look. "I'm not going to cry over you, Curtis."

"Good," I say.

"This whole thing still feels kind of weird, though. Like it's not real."

"It is sudden," I agree. I glance up to find the nearest stairs. I want to get out of the wind now.

"But," she continues, "I'm glad that this happened. I think it's better we're honest now. And, you know, I appreciate you telling me the truth now, rather than pretending everything was normal. Because I don't know if I would have had the courage to say anything."

"You would have," I say. "You're so brave."

Kennedy tries to laugh. "Yes. Keep the flattery coming."

"I'm not joking," I say, and reach out to squeeze her hand. Kennedy never hid her opinion, whether it was through protesting at school or saying outright that she disagreed with others. She was always herself. Like Liam. I guess that's why I like them both.

Kennedy smiles, then looks down at our hands. Gently, she pulls it away. "We can't do this anymore."

"Right."

The sun disappears, making the sky darker.

"We should have some space," Kennedy says once we're back in the town streets. "Even if this was civil, it's still weird. We need time to adjust."

"Okay." Does that mean I'll be going back to Easton?

"Before, you know how Bonnie and Erin and I were talking? Well, Erin told us that our family — and by our family, I mean my grandparents and my parents and aunt and uncle who are too scared to argue with them — are insisting that the three of us go to visit her in Melbourne."

"The three of us?" I ask.

"Bonnie, Erin and me. Erin says we can't get out of it. I talked to my parents, and they said the same. Even though you and Liam are here. But I think it may be for the best. I need space, and I think you need it too."

"So would I be going home?"

"If you want," Kennedy says. "But you and Liam could stay here by yourselves. We'd only be gone for a few days. No one wants to ruin your holidays."

"You don't have to worry about me," I say. "I'll do whatever's best for you."

"Of course I'm going to worry about you," Kennedy says. "You were my boyfriend less than an hour ago. I can't suddenly stop caring about you. And I don't want you to leave for my sake."

"Kennedy—"

"And it's not just about me, either. If you go home, Liam would either have to go with you or stay here by himself."

"Does he know about this?"

"Bonnie's telling him now. He wouldn't mind staying here with you. He does like you, you know. It's not because he made me a promise or anything. And I'm sorry about that, by the way. I know that upset you." She casts me a glance.

I nod. I know that now. "So Liam and I would stay here," I clarify. "Alone." My body sizzles with energy.

"Yes," Kennedy says. "We can discuss it more back at the house. But… what do you think?"

This is a bad idea, Curtis. I manage a nod. "Yeah. That's fine."