The Boyfriend Rivalry by Milana Spencer

27

Curtis: Straight

Bonnie: We should catch up during the winter holidays! Watch out @Kennedy, I'm inviting myself to your house.

It's a Saturday night when my phone buzzes with a notification for Bonnie's text to the Lonsdale Bay group chat. It's been two weeks since the holidays. I read the message without unlocking my phone, so the others won't see that I've read the message. The phone screen blinds me in the darkness of my bedroom. At the top of my screen, my phone tells me it's 11:30.

My phone buzzes again.

Kennedy: Fine.

Bonnie: I'm going to interpret that as an enthusiastic "fine".

Another buzz and I turn on my side to read my phone better. The notification tells me that Liam has sent a laughing emoji.

Bonnie: What do you think, Liam, isn't this a good idea?

Liam: Hahahaha yeah.

Without thinking, I unlock my phone but don't press on the beach group chat. Instead, I choose Liam's name.

Curtis: So, Bonnie messaged the group chat.

Once I've sent the message to him, I drop my phone on the mattress beside me. Why did I send him a message? We haven't talked since English class. And why did I phrase my message like that? Okay, maybe I can figure out a way to delete it —

Liam: Yeah, she doesn't know what happened. Erin doesn't either.

Curtis: I guessed that.

Liam: I accidentally opened the group chat, so I had to respond. Goddamn read receipts.

Curtis: That's the worst! I just read my notifications.

Liam: It's just kind of weird, pretending to have a normal group conversation when in actuality, I don't talk to Kennedy.

Liam: Or you.

Liam: So talking in the group chat makes me feel like an imposter.

Curtis: I get that.

I watch Liam's text bubble with three dots appear, then disappear, then appear again. Is he going to reply, or is that the end of our conversation? I think of our second last conversation in the common room. I wish I never kissed you. I think about that sentence far too often.

Liam: I should go to sleep. I bet you were still awake because you were reading a finance book?

Curtis: I was trying to sleep too. But I was reading before bed, half an hour ago.

Liam: What was the book?

Curtis: It's about good personal finance habits. It's not that great. I'll probably drop it.

Liam: Hahaha okay. Maybe I should read a finance book.

Curtis: You should. I have a hundred recommendations.

Liam: Or maybe you could just tell me all the finance tips you know.

Curtis: I could. There's a lot though. You'd have to listen for hours.

Liam: I don't mind. You'd make it interesting.

I don't know how to respond to that. Minutes ago, when I was trying to sleep, my body had relaxed, my breathing slow. Now my heart is speeding up like I'm talking to Liam in real life. It's going to make it hard to fall asleep later.

Liam: Well. I should go to sleep. Goodnight.

Curtis: Wait.

Curtis: I'm sorry. But can I ask you something?

Liam: I'm scared.

Curtis: Hahaha don't be.

I'm laughing via text, but in reality, I'm the one that's scared. I wish there was a way to ask him what I wanted to ask him without being vulnerable. I could never ask him and never expose myself like that. That's what the old me would do — avoid communication, avoid trouble. But I want to know the truth. I need to, especially when Liam was messaging me like he was still interested, when he said I don't mind. You'd make it interesting.

And there was that English class. It was painful as hell, but my heart fluttered around him, which is embarrassing to admit. I have to know.

Liam: What is it?

Curtis: So.

Curtis: What did you mean that day in the common room when you said you wished you never kissed me?

I know Liam would never be cruel to me. He wouldn't make fun of me for asking that question, an emotional relationship-y question. But he might say, I'm not interested in you anymore…

I stare at my screen, my grip on the phone tight. He hasn't replied yet. How long has it been? And then my phone buzzes.

Liam: I meant I wished I never kissed you because it messed everything up. You know, because it made Kennedy hate you and then you went home and then it made Kennedy hate me, and everything is still a mess and I don't know if Kennedy will ever forgive me or you. This is all obvious stuff that you already knew and that's not what you're asking because you're smart. The answer to what you're asking is… I wanted to kiss you that night, and I did, and I still want to. But now I can't be your friend (as well as all the other stuff that happened). So I'm saying I wish I stayed your friend rather than kissed you, because at least if I was just your friend, I could talk to you and hang out with you. I still like you, Curtis. I don't know if that's obvious.

I read the message three times to make sure I understand, and then my fingers are flying over the keyboard.

Curtis: Well, I'm a pretty oblivious person, so I didn't know.

Liam: Is this why you've been weird?

Liam and I don't talk at school, but sometimes he seeks eye contact with me, and I avoid it. In that English class, I was jumpy as hell next to him.

Curtis: Yeah. But I'm relieved now.

And then, because I can't bear to leave him hanging.

Curtis: I like you too. I don't know if that's obvious.

Liam: Sometimes I'm oblivious too.

Liam: I'm smiling right now.

Curtis: Me too.

Curtis: Also, I know I'm keeping you up so I'll let you sleep now. Good night.

A moment later, Liam's response comes through.

Liam: Good night.

*

Curtis: I think I saw a squirrel in my backyard just now. I thought there weren't squirrels in Australia.

Liam: How the hell do you wake up so early every day?

Curtis: You're up too. And it's only 7.

Liam: I'm awake because of your text.

Curtis: Sorry… I think?

Liam: I suppose being woken up is good.

Liam: Maybe it was a possum.

Curtis: I'm pretty sure it was a squirrel.

Liam: Next time you see it, take a photo. I bet it's a possum.

Curtis: It's a squirrel.

*

Curtis: I finished the first season.

Liam: What'd you think of it???

Liam: Also, that took you a while.

Curtis: What do you mean 'a while'? I enjoyed it! I'm going to watch the next season.

Liam: I meant that I finish seasons in a couple of days, though I guess you're one of those people who uses their time wisely. I'm glad you liked it :)

Curtis: Thank you for recommending it to me.

Liam: Don't thank me for recommending it, because I didn't hahaha. You barged into my room, remember?

Curtis: Then thanks for letting me watch it with you.

Liam: It's nothing.

Curtis: Have you talked to Kennedy?

Liam: The last time was after school that day we did the English thing together. Even then, our conversation lasted like two minutes.

Curtis: What did she say?

Liam: Nothing much. I apologised, and she said she had to go.

Curtis: I keep thinking about Elizabeth and Melanie.

Liam: Why??

Curtis: Because of everything you said on the sailboat about me playing with their emotions and even being a cheater.

Liam: You know I don't think that now.

Curtis: Yeah, but still. I'm so embarrassed about how I dealt with everything. The end of my first proper relationship is a disaster, so how am I meant to have a good relationship in the future?

Liam: I think you can.

Liam: And you dealt with Kennedy pretty well, IMO. Better than I did anyway.

Liam: And I was the one who kissed you first.

Liam: And you and Kennedy were already broken up. You didn't cheat.

Curtis: Still, I don't know. I don't understand my own emotions.

*

Liam: I have a question.

Curtis: Yeah?

Liam: It might seem kind of dumb, and I should have asked you this a while ago, but I always thought you were straight. But then, you know, everything happened.

Liam: You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.

Curtis: No, it's fine.

Curtis: I always kind of knew that I liked guys, too. I always noticed attractive guys and there have been guys I've had crushes on, but I didn't realise it.

Liam: I might be jealous.

Curtis: Well, they were people like my year 6 primary school teacher hahaha. And cartoon characters on TV. I always had dreams about guys. I also kissed a guy once, but we pretended it didn't mean anything.

Liam: Okay, I am jealous.

Curtis: The point is, I guess when you kissed me, I didn't freak out.

Liam: I see.

Curtis: How did you know you were gay?

Liam: It's kind of similar where I kind of knew since I was young and had crushes on boys in my class and in movies, but I only figured it out in year 8.

Curtis: And now you're… out?

Liam: I guess? I'll tell people if they ask me, but I never did a big coming-out thing. I told my parents, though. And Kennedy and my friends.

Curtis: This is kind of random, but why did you kiss me?

Liam: Because I wanted to.

Curtis: I mean, even if I wanted to kiss someone, I'd be scared to do it. I wouldn't have kissed you, even if I wanted.

Liam: So what are you asking?

Curtis: Didn't you hesitate at all? Or are you that brave?

Liam: Ohhh okay, I understand now. No, I'm not that brave. I think I kissed you because a part of me thought you wanted me to.

Liam: Because I thought it wouldn't be a disaster. That you'd kiss me back. Then again, I didn't think. I just did it.

Curtis: Okay.

Curtis: I wish I could kiss you now.

Sometimes I type without thinking because it's easier to be honest through messages than in person. I hold my breath for a second, then release, because Liam isn't scary. I trust him.

Liam: Curtis.

Curtis: I know.

*

On a Thursday afternoon, after homeroom, I wait amongst the crowd of fellow Year 12s to leave the library and head to class. Behind me, I hear Jasper chewing the new kid, Kieran out for something, and Kieran's rolling his eyes. In homeroom, they've stopped sitting together — instead, Jasper sits with me, and Kieran sits at the back with his arms crossed.

The crowd of students inches towards the door and I bring the books in my hand closer to my body so I'm taking up less space. Someone moves in front of me, and I'm cursing people for not following the rules of waiting in line when I see that it's Kennedy.

Feeling me watching her, she glances behind with an apologetic smile, which fades when she sees it's me. This is the first time I've stood next to her in ages. I'm close enough to see the sharp edges of her winged liner.

We look away from each other, but when she walks through the library doors she holds one open for me.

"Thank you," I say.

"That's okay," she says. "I pushed in front of you, after all," she says after a moment.

We walk in sync, both heading towards English class. I wonder if I should slow down so it doesn't look like I'm trying to walk with her.

"That's okay," I say.

"Well. I remember you hated that."

I nod. Up ahead is our English classroom, far enough for me to squeeze in an apology, as long as Kennedy doesn't walk away.

"Kennedy, about what happened —"

She shakes her head and gives me a withering look. "Curtis, it's been almost a month. I'm over it."

"But—"

"I mean, hearing you grovel might seem like it'd be gratifying, but honestly, I think it would depress me. Let's not talk about it."

My eyes pass over the cloudy sky above us. The weather forecast says it'll be a rainy couple of days soon.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"When have I not been sure?" she asks, before giving me a half-smile to lighten the mood.

All I do is nod in response. What does this mean? Is Kennedy telling the truth? Because if so, would she be okay with Liam and me —

"You like Liam, don't you?" she asks, her voice soft.

The answer must be all over my face because Kennedy nods. We approach the classroom and I hold the door.

"Thanks," Kennedy says, walking in.

I follow behind her, the classroom half full. I make to walk towards my seat, thinking that's the end of the conversation when Kennedy says one last thing.

"Don't hurt him. Okay?" Her eyes are serious and her smile gone, and she turns around and walks to her seat, leaving me staring after her with my mouth open.