One Hot Doctor by Sarah J. Brooks

Chapter 39

Thomas

I’ve been shipping Cora’s things to her apartment as per her instructions. Today is the last day that she and Taylor will be in my house, and panic is spreading in my chest.

Everything in me is screaming that I should ask her to stay, but then what? I can’t promise marriage, and I know at this point, Cora wants nothing less. I admit that I’m a coward. Therapy is definitely helping, but the thought of signing on that dotted line committing myself to one person scares the fuck out of me.

I grab the last bag from our room and carry it downstairs, where Cora is waiting while breastfeeding Taylor.

“Looks like this is the last of it,” I tell her.

She looks at me dully, and it takes every ounce of self-control not to go down on my knees and beg her to stay. “Okay, I’ll just finish up here, and we’ll be on our way.”

I carry the bag to her car. Cora and I agreed that we’ll use her car for the last trip, and then I can grab an Uber back to my place. When I return to the house, Cora is standing, and I go to her and take Taylor. Her dark eyes are trained on me. Guilt floods me as I imagine what might be going through her baby mind. Why are you letting us go, Daddy?

What am doing? Panic wells up my throat. I swallow and push it back down. It’s better this way. I’m not cut out for marriage or long-term relationships. I can’t stop thinking of the number of things that could go wrong.

I know that commitment is a leap of faith. I made that leap once and look where it got me. I lost my wife emotionally, even before I lost her physically. I can’t do that shit again.

With co-parenting, Cora and I will both know our goal, which will be to raise Taylor to be a happy little girl. There will be no emotions and feelings between us to distract us. Feeling stronger, I carry Taylor to the car and gently lower her to her car seat. I enter the passenger side as Cora gets into the driver’s side.

The drive to her place is quiet. Misery fills the air. I tell myself that it’s natural to feel as we are feeling. After all, we’ve been living together for months. It’s like having a roommate you get along with brilliantly, and then they have to move out. You’ll naturally feel like crap that day and for days to follow. Then you’ll get used to living alone again.

“Welcome home, sweetheart,” Cora tells Taylor when we get to her apartment block.

She carries Taylor in while I grab the bag and a few other items from the car. We go up the elevator, silence wrapping around us like a cloak.

“Here we are,” Cora says as she unlocks the front door.

The apartment got a thorough clean-up the day before, and it’s sparkling clean.

“She’s asleep,” Cora says. “I’ll take her to her crib.”

I wait for her in the living room, and when she comes back, we sit in the living room facing each other like strangers. I feel a need to say something.

“I guess we should see our lawyers regarding visitation rights.” Where the fuck did that come from? When I’m nervous around Cora, I say the stupidest things. I try to rectify my mistake. “I mean—”

“You’re a fool, Thomas,” she shouts and jumps to her feet. “You can go and see your lawyer for all I care. I’ll let you see Taylor but make sure that I never clap my eyes on you. Right now, I want you to get the fuck out of my house.”

I look at her, stunned. We have a baby. Surely, she can’t be throwing me out of her house? “I didn’t mean—”

She makes as though to pick up a cushion, and I jump to my feet. “Cora, be reasonable.”

I see the red cushion flying across the room, but I’m too shocked to duck. It hits me square in the face, and before I can react, another one follows it.

“Fuck, Cora, this is beyond immature.” A rain of cushions pummels me as I hurry to the door.

There’s no point in trying to talk to her when she’s like this. I slam the door behind me. Serves her right if Taylor wakes up from her nap. I immediately feel ashamed of myself for that thought. I deserve everything Cora unleashes on me.

I want to punch myself. Why the fuck did I mention lawyers and visitation rights as if she would ever refuse me to see Taylor?

I take an Uber home.

The moment I’ve been dreading is upon me. I insert the key into the front door lock, and the moment I step into my house, I feel the difference. It’s deathly quiet, and it feels lonely. I know that last part is probably my mind playing games with my head.

I spend the next hour or so cleaning up. All through the morning, I’m thinking of what Cora and Taylor are doing. I know her schedule perfectly. All I have to do is glance at the time, and I’ll know if she’s feeding, sleeping, or staring into space and just looking adorable.

 

 

***

 

“I can’t believe that she kicked you out again, but I have to say, you deserve it every time.” Martin wipes tears from the sides of his eyes with the back of his hand.

“I’m glad you think it’s funny,” I tell him miserably.

It’s been the longest week of my life. I’ve gone to Cora’s to see Taylor, and I’ve made sure to abide by Cora’s wishes and go when she’s at work. It’s Friday evening, and I asked Fran to invite me to their place for dinner.

I can’t stand my own company anymore. She’s taken Willow to bed, and Martin and I are relaxing with a beer each on the porch, enjoying the warm weather.

“You miss Cora.” It’s a statement rather than a question.

“I do, more than I thought possible,” I admit. I thought that by now, I’d have fallen into a routine of my own. And I suppose I have, but it doesn’t bring me satisfaction or joy. Neither does my work. Everything that I enjoyed doing has lost its sparkle.

“You’re the most stubborn man I know,” Martin says. “Why not just admit that you fell in love with her and move on from there? Marry the woman and become a family.”

Fear wraps itself tightly around my heart, but it doesn’t last for long. I tentatively give thought to Martin’s question. What am I really afraid of?

Is it to lose Cora? No, it’s not that. I know that the chances of something like that happening again are akin to lightning striking the same place twice. Then it dawns on me what I’m afraid of.

I’m afraid of losing Cora to another man. I’m afraid that when work consumes me, as it inevitably does sometimes, she’ll turn elsewhere to find love and attention.

The moment that thought forms in my mind, I see the ridiculousness of it. Cora is not Tessa. Her values are different, and in any case, I’ve learned from my mistakes. There’s no way I could neglect Cora and Taylor when they are the two people who bring me the most joy.

The memories come then of Cora staring at Taylor, her eyes brimming with tears of love and then shifting the same gaze to me. Of Cora laughing and clutching her stomach. Of Cora asleep looking so peaceful and happy.

I want all of that again. I want a full, busy life again. I want to go home to my girls every night. I want Taylor to keep me up at all hours of the night while I pace and try to soothe her back to sleep.

I want her mother in my arms—until death do us part.

The front door opens softly, and Fran steps out. “She’s out like a light.” She goes to Martin and kisses him, and then sinks into a rocking chair. “I hope you managed to talk some sense into him.”

“I tried,” Martin says. “But you know how he is.”

I frown with irritation. “Why are you talking about me as if I’m not here?”

Fran grins at me, and I realize that it was a deliberate move to get me into the conversation.

“I know you love her, bro. I don’t understand why you won’t do the right thing by her and by Taylor.”

“What if she says no?” I tremble inside with fear. This is a real possibility. I’m afraid that my window of opportunity has shut down. With Cora, nothing is a guarantee, and to be honest, I’ve kept her dangling for a long time. What if she has found someone else? The thought fills my mouth with bile and bitterness.

“She’s not going to say no,” Fran says. “She loves you, and she wants to be a family.”

Hope soars in my chest. “She told you that?”

“No, but I know how women think.”

My hope comes crashing back down.