End of the Line by Nicky James

EIGHT

Killian

Time hung suspended. Leo’s lips parted a fraction at my question. Surprise crossed his face as he took me in with pensive eyes.

I held my breath, waiting for an answer.

I didn’t think I was wrong about Leo. More than once, I’d caught the same interest reflected back at me when I watched him.

Leo wet his lips. “Um…”

I caressed his jaw with my thumbs and moved closer until our noses brushed. His was cold like his ears. “Am I wrong about you, Leo?”

“No.” The whispered word was swallowed up in the noisy rattle of the train clamoring down the tracks, but I read it on his lips.

“So can I kiss you?”

He didn’t speak that time but tipped his chin in a nod. Even the slight movement was hesitant and unsure. But it was a nod.

Back in the ditch before we’d hopped the train, Willow had knocked us together and our lips had brushed. It was a split second in time. A fevered moment that was there and gone too fast. It was enough time for a surge of energy to ripple through my blood but not enough time to fully appreciate and enjoy the connection.

Leo’s breathing changed when I brushed my nose along the side of his. Our lips grazed, once, then again. On purpose that time. Soft puffs of air feathered my mouth and chin. He was nervous. A nearly imperceptible tremble radiated through him. It could have easily been mistaken for the train’s vibrations, but I knew it was more.

Again, I brushed our lips together, alert to a reaction, ready to pull back. Leo’s breath caught. His eyelashes fluttered. I closed the distance and kissed him. Leo’s lips were incredibly soft and pliable. There were no rough edges to him. Everything about him was almost too delicate. Too soft. He wasn’t made for my rough world, yet there he was in front of me.

Leo surrendered control. When I pressed closer, skimming his lower lip with my tongue, he melted against me, hands grasping my waist, opening his mouth and letting me deepen our connection. He’d been sucking on Jolly Ranchers earlier, and the sweet tang lingered on his tongue.

I was just getting into it, exploring and learning his mouth, savoring the fizzling tingle as it moved through my veins, when the train jolted. Not a lot but enough to rock us on our feet. We came apart, and I frowned, sensing the shift, the change in momentum.

“We’re slowing. Might be another train.” It had also been nine hours, so it was possible the conductor and engineer were scheduled for a shift change at a remote station up ahead. I couldn’t be sure where we were. “We should get inside. Stay low until we know what’s going on.”

Leo wouldn’t meet my eyes. He stepped away, lifting his fingers and brushing them along his mouth.

I touched his arm, drawing his attention. “Are you okay?”

Leo nodded but moved to the propped door with haste. I caught his arm before he got too far, and he turned back.

“I didn’t cross a line, did I?”

The depth of wariness on Leo’s face was concerning. The tip of his tongue poked out and traveled along his lower lip in a slow draw as he considered. When he smiled, it was strained and tight. Sad. It didn’t reach his eyes. “No. That was nice. Thank you.”

Thank you?

There was more he wasn’t saying. I didn’t want to address it in front of the gang, so I had to let it go for now. We couldn’t stay in the open if the train was slowing.

Dodger had the scanner out. The three inside the container had also sensed the change in speed. “Nothing yet.” He held the device to his ear.

“Probably a shift change,” Tyler said, checking his watch. “Timing is about right.”

In the end, that was the reason for the stop. We stayed quiet and were on the move again within thirty-five minutes. I would have liked to head back outside to chat with Leo, to share more kisses, but he’d lain down, head on his pack, facing the wall of the container. He wasn’t asleep, but it was clear he wanted to be left alone. I got the sense he needed to process whatever was on his mind.

Maybe kissing him had been a bad idea, but it wasn’t like he’d rejected me. He’d kissed back.

But it seemed to have upset his balance.

Willow saw it too and glared, asking questions with her eyebrows. I shot her a dirty look which she returned with her own. A silent argument took place filled with nasty expressions and wild hand movements.

“What?” I mouthed, splaying my hands wide. “I didn’t do anything wrong.” I couldn’t tell if she could read my lips or not.

She angled her head at Leo and held her hands apart, mouthing something I didn’t understand.

I shrugged and sighed, waving her off. It was pointless.

Dodger and Tyler watched our back and forth. They too seemed curious about why Leo had withdrawn, but I wasn’t sure they cared enough about our newer companion yet to ask.

In the end, Tyler found the cards again and shuffled the deck with the skill of a blackjack dealer. “How about some euchre since we have four people now?”

Willow and I spoke at the same time. “Partners with Dodger.”

“No,” Willow hissed, jamming a finger in my face. “I said it first.”

“Like hell.”

Dodger laughed and brushed his knuckles across his shirt. “Yes, boys and girls, I’m just that awesome. But you can’t all have me.”

“Neither of you can have him. He’s all mine,” Tyler said, winking.

“You wish,” Dodger said with a smirk.

“Ah, man,” Willow whined, casting a sorrowful look in my direction. “Killer is the worst euchre player ever. Why am I always stuck with him?”

“I’m not that bad. Deal the cards. I’ll prove it.”

Tyler flicked a finger, indicating we should switch positions and sit across from one another. It was a rare treat for the four of us to be together, but when we were, we loved having a few competitive games of euchre.

Once Willow and I were sitting across from one another, Tyler dealt the hand. Trump was determined—spades—and the game moved into play. It was true; I wasn’t the best euchre player. Strategy wasn’t my forte. I sucked at playing into my partner’s hand, which was a common thing people said in this game that made no sense to me. I knew the rules. I got by, but I wasn’t about to win any euchre tournaments.

Willow and I lost the first game, and Tyler and Dodger cheered, sharing high-fives as I dragged the cards into a pile. It was my turn to deal the fresh round. Once I had them distributed and was sorting through the cards in my hand, Leo came and sat beside me. He’d been sullen and quiet for the past hour, so I was surprised to see him up.

“Hey.” I couldn’t read his expression, but I didn’t think he looked mad.

He offered a tentative smile to the gang and sat, shifting as close as he could get to my side. When he rested his head on my shoulder, my heart fluttered. That was a good sign.

Tyler and Dodger shared a covert look, and Willow hid a smile behind her fanned cards.

Leo didn’t say a word. He nuzzled in beside me and studied my hand. Without preamble, he moved the cards around, organizing them. When everyone passed on the upturned heart, Leo reached out and plucked it from the pile, inserting it into my pile of cards.

Had I been making decisions myself, I’d have turned it down. Leo ran his fingers over the cards in my hand, selected one, and discarded it. The game began with hearts as trump. Every time it was my turn, Leo touched the card he wanted me to play, and lo and behold, Willow and I kicked some royal ass for once.

“Dammit.” Dodger laughed. “The fuck, man? You play euchre or something?”

“Some.” Leo didn’t lift his head from my shoulder. He didn’t engage in conversation. His smile was shy and tentative. The scent of his expensive cologne was long gone, but in its place was an essence I was beginning to associate with Leo.

“Well, I wouldn’t ordinarily approve of a player getting outside assistance, but in this case, Killer needs all the help he can get. Maybe you can teach him a thing or two so he doesn’t suck so bad.”

I gave Dodger the finger, but we both laughed. Euchre couldn’t be played with five people, so having Leo beside me, offering some helpful advice, worked.

We played many games, and Leo went from suggesting which cards I should play to whispering his reasoning and strategy in my ear. Willow and I won far more with Leo’s help. When Leo suggested I go alone on a few hands, I put my faith in him to pull us through the round.

He did every time.

Long after the sun went down, we pulled out our sleeping bags and slept. It was loud, rattly, and uncomfortable sleeping on a train, but it was part of the experience, and it didn’t bother me. Leo dragged his bag close to mine. I couldn’t see him in the dark, but I got the sense he watched me. What he was thinking, I had no idea. Other than intermittent game talk, we hadn’t spoken since the shared kiss. I had hundreds of questions, but they would have to wait.

I fumbled for his hand in the dark. When I found it, he didn’t pull away. I squirmed closer and whispered, “Are you okay?”

A squeeze to my hand was his only response.

That was all right. He slept beside me that night, our hands linked.

* * *

We jumped ship—or rather train—at ten thirty the following morning about half a mile outside the yard in Winnipeg. It was broad daylight and the worst time for deboarding. Again, we chose to do it as the train was slowing and moving into the yard. Leo was anxious about staying on his feet with his pack weighing him down, so we tossed it over the edge to Dodger before Leo jumped off.

He landed with better control that time and earned himself a fist bump from both Dodger and Tyler. Their praise brought a beaming smile to Leo’s face. He needed their encouragement more than mine. I could tell he still felt like an outsider and wanted their approval.

We were a weary and tired bunch as we hiked down a desolate highway toward the city.

“What’s the plan now?” Leo asked.

We were a dozen paces or so behind Tyler and Dodger. Willow was halfway between, texting and walking. Billie if I had to guess.

“We’ll get to the city and find somewhere to rest for a bit. If we can get to the kitchen before two, we can eat.”

“The kitchen?”

“Yeah. There’s a soup kitchen downtown. They serve lunch from noon until two. If we miss it, there’s dinner from five until seven. They take names since they only want people going once a day, but it’s a hot meal, and it’s free.”

Leo mulled that over. “What about showers?”

I chuckled. “Are you saying I stink, Green?”

“No more than me. I’m just curious how that works.” He paused and shrugged. “Or doesn’t work, I suppose.”

“If you can be cool for one more day, I know a great spot we can get cleaned up. It’s near Carman. I imagine we’ll hitch a ride that way tomorrow.”

“Hitch?”

I held up a thumb. “Hitchhike.”

Leo’s eyes widened. “Oh. I didn’t know.”

We walked for another ten minutes. Traffic drove by in both directions, but we kept to the shoulder. Leo had that look of wonder on his face again. It was funny. In one breath, he seemed worldly, yet more often than not, it was like he was experiencing everything for the first time.

“Where are we sleeping tonight?” he asked as he unwrapped one of his Jolly Ranchers and popped it into his mouth. The sour cherry flavor he’d picked always made him pucker his lips.

“We know a guy in town. He has a trailer and is cool letting us pitch tents in his yard.”

Leo rolled the candy around in his mouth, clinking it against his teeth as he nodded. He worked hard to maintain a firm resolve, but at times, his uncertainty surfaced. This wasn’t the life he was used to living, but his determination to take things in stride was admirable. He didn’t complain and rolled with the punches.

We were about three miles from the city when a guy in a rusted-out farm truck pulled onto the gravel shoulder and offered us a ride. We all piled into the bed of his truck, glad to get off our feet. Leo sat snug against my side, the wind whipping his blond hair around his forehead. He was never far away. We still hadn’t brought up the previous day’s kiss, but at least he wasn’t acting weird about it anymore.

The sky was dotted with fluffy white clouds, and the air was crisp and cold. Leo’s cheeks and the tip of his nose were bright pink. He’d gone without his hat again. At least he had his gloves on, and I hadn’t seen him obsess over wiping his hands today.

The man in the pickup dropped us off in the parking lot at the local soup kitchen. We arrived in time for the last half hour of lunch. As the others made their way to the door, Leo tugged me to a stop.

“You said they take our names. Does that mean they require ID?”

“No. And you can fudge a name if you don’t want them to know who you are. It’s not a big deal.”

Leo frowned. “That’s a poor system. What’s stopping someone from coming back for dinner and giving a different name?”

“Nothing. It works primarily on the honor system. I don’t think they’re that concerned. They’re feeding the homeless. If someone feels the need to lie so they can come twice a day, then maybe they need it.”

I made my way to the door, but Leo didn’t follow. “Are you coming?”

He pursed his lips, studying the array of bulletins taped to the inside of the window beside the door. They were advertisements for local thrift stores, food banks, and an upcoming Coats for Kids campaign taking place at a church somewhere in town.

Leo gnawed his lip then shook his head. “I don’t belong here.”

I threw my hands up. “Seriously? Come on. Don’t be silly. I’m hungry and broke. Places like this have saved my ass more times than I can count. It’s not a big deal.”

“But I’m not like you. I shouldn’t take food from people who are less fortunate. It doesn’t feel right.”

I sighed. “Leo, we’re living on the fly. Tyler and Willow and Dodger and me. We are the less fortunate. Maybe you’ve got a wad of cash in your pocket now, but what happens when it’s gone? Do you have access to more?” I had the feeling he didn’t. “Sure, I’ve got a few bucks to my name, but I have to spend it wisely. A free meal helps.”

Leo touched a pocket in his cargos where I assumed he had a stack of bills hiding. I had no idea what kind of money he was carrying or if he had the means of replenishing it, but if he was in a solid financial situation, then why was he jumping trains instead of finding a better means of traveling. If he needed to lay low for a bit, he could.

Tyler poked his head out the door. “Are you guys coming?”

I stared at Leo, waiting for him to answer. He studied my face, anguish pulling at his features. I had so many questions.

Leo turned to Tyler. “Ask Willow and Dodger if they’d like McDonald’s. My treat.”

Tyler’s brows rose as he looked between us. “For real?”

Leo nodded.

“Sweet. McDonald’s beats the hell out of cafeteria-style food any day. I’ll be back.”

When the door slammed behind Tyler, I asked, “And when your money runs out?”

“I’ll worry about it then.”

We ended up at McDonald’s again, squashed into a booth with trays full of burgers, chicken nuggets, fries, shakes, and apple pies for dessert. It was a smorgasbord of deliciousness. Leo ordered another cheeseburger Happy Meal and spent a long time at the counter, selecting which Transformer he wanted. There were no snorts of laughter from the others, but I didn’t miss Tyler’s look of concern.

I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t quite sort out the new guy.

It was two in the afternoon by the time we sat with our meal. The restaurant was quiet. We got a little wild and crazy, which came from having been stuck on a train for thirty-five hours. Willow continuously stole Tyler’s wool hat, teasing him about his hair and how he fit right in as the restaurant’s mascot. Tyler took his revenge by launching fries at her head. Somehow, a battle ensued over shakes, and they were snagged and stolen and passed around so many times I wasn’t sure whose belonged to who anymore. It didn’t matter.

Leo absently picked at his food, more interested in the toy, transforming it from car to robot and back with a wide grin. Each time he bit into his burger, a look of sheer ecstasy crossed his face like he’d never tasted anything quite so exquisite.

He was an enigma.

* * *

RaptorZ—nicknamed long ago since he thought he was the next Eminem and drove everyone within a ten-mile radius up the wall with his random bouts of poorly executed lyrics and rapping skills—welcomed us to his home. RaptorZ wasn’t a rail rider but an avid supporter of the community. He followed a lot of us on the forums and Instagram, opening his door to riders when they came through his area. It was because of people like him that we were able to make our long journeys without going broke.

His trailer was located in Beavertrail Park on the south end of the city, a lower-end mobile home community. His place was a double-wide with aluminum siding and an old, tattered, green-and-white awning that covered the front of his house. It sagged on one end. The support bar had broken long ago. RaptorZ had propped the broken end up using an old broom handle and a stack of cinderblocks three-high. Long tear tracks of rust bled from the front windows. Under the awning were three mesh-covered patio chairs with frayed seats. One wrong move might see the occupant fall through. An old recycling bin sat at the bottom step by the door, overflowing with crushed beer cans.

RaptorZ came out and greeted us with back-slapping hugs all around. He was rail-thin and missing a few front teeth. The jean jacket he wore was full of patches representing his favorite bands. His jeans hung so low I didn’t know how he kept them up, and his boxers stuck out the top by a mile.

When he got to Leo, he offered a hand to shake instead of a hug. “Ain’t met you before. They call me RaptorZ.” He zzzzzzed a few times on the last syllable.

Leo shook his hand with as little skin-to-skin contact as possible. The expression on his face was priceless. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m… They call me Green.”

RaptorZ chuckled and eyed Dodger. “Newb, huh?”

“As green as they come. He’s getting there.” Dodger winked at Leo, and Leo stood a bit taller at the compliment.

“That’s dope, man.” He poked Leo in the chest. “If you ever need a place to crash, my door is always open to riders. Grab a piece of ground, folks, and pop a tent. If you need to pop wood, the strip joint is a mile and a half that way. How long are you guys staying?”

“We’re heading to Carman tomorrow, then catching out,” Tyler said, his voice tight.

RaptorZ nodded, a strained look crossing his face. “Yeah, man. That’s cool. Any word on the boy?”

Tyler shook his head but avoided eye contact as he scoped the lawn like a man on a mission. He mumbled something and wandered away, tossing his pack on an open slot of ground and digging out his tent.

An awkwardness descended over the group until RaptorZ knocked Dodger’s shoulder. “I have some stuff for you.” Then he hitched his chin, encouraging Dodger to follow him inside. RaptorZ was one of Dodger’s research contacts. They had a shared interest when it came to keeping track of rail riders across the country, particularly those who vanished without a trace. The pair had been determined to prove that Canada had its very own copycat killer. RaptorZ knew a lot of people in the community, so he and Dodger liked to share information when they got together.

“Come on.” I placed a hand on Leo’s shoulder. “Let’s put up the tent. It’ll be squishy tonight, but you won’t be cold.”

Leo followed me to a flat piece of grass a dozen feet from the trailer and not too far from where Tyler and Willow were setting up their own. Leo didn’t know the first thing about tents, so I walked him through the process, showing him how the poles connected and where they went. Our bags fit snug together with zero space between them.

“It’s meant for one person. You sure you’re okay with getting cozy? I won’t bite. If not, RaptorZ might let you crash on his couch.”

Leo glanced back at the house, his eyes widening in horror. “No offense to your friend, and I’m sure he’s nice and all, but I’m not sure I feel comfortable being in close quarters with a guy named RaptorZ.”

I laughed. “You think I’m a better bet?”

Leo side-eyed me, then the small tent. He pressed his lips together and nodded. “I think so.”

By nightfall, four tents decorated RaptorZ’s lawn. A massive fire burned in an old steel drum, the flames dancing several feet above the top of the barrel. RaptorZ shared a case of cheap beer with everyone, and we laughed and told stories as we caught up with an old friend.

Leo was quiet and observant. I didn’t think he liked the beer and spent more time sniffing it and taking unenthusiastic sips before finding his candy and eating it instead.

RaptorZ had information and updates about other riders who had passed through the area. Before the night was over, he found an old guitar buried in a closet and let Willow play for us—this was after we’d listen to a solid hour of rapping from our host.

Leo had done everything in his power to keep a straight face, but in the end, he’d laughed so hard I thought he was going to choke on his Jolly Rancher. He set the rest of us off too.

It was good to see Leo smile. For the first time since we’d started out, he was relaxed and having fun. Whatever worries had been plaguing him since Montreal were packed away for the time being.

It was late. Leo released several jaw-cracking yawns before his head bobbed on his neck. I roused him and took his hand, encouraging him to his feet. “Come on, sleepyhead. Bedtime for you.”

“I’m not tired. I’m having fun.”

“It’s late, and you’re going to fall face-first into the fire at this rate.”

He mumbled protests but got to his feet.

We earned a few furtive glances from those around the fire as I marched Leo toward the tent, never releasing his hand. They could think whatever they wanted. I unzipped the opening and ushered him inside, instructing him to kick his boots off and leave them outside the tent.

Leo lay on top of his sleeping bag with a groan, his eyes already closed. “Why am I so tired?”

“It’s been an overwhelming few days. You’re worn out. Come on. Strip and get inside your bag.”

He groaned but complied. There was little space to move around when we were both trying to undress at the same time. In underwear and a T-shirt, Leo collapsed on top of his bag again.

I unzipped my sleeping bag and slid inside. “You’ll be cold if you stay on top.”

Leo studied my face, his expression guarded. I didn’t have to know him well to know his mind was racing.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I want you to kiss me again.”

I paused before I managed to get the zipper on my bag in place. “Oh yeah?”

He nodded and wet his lips. “I’ve been thinking about it all day.”

“I wasn’t so sure you liked it. You got weird on me after.”

A crease formed between his brows, and the spark of interest he’d had a moment before vanished.

I squirmed closer, laying my head beside his. “Leo.” I brushed fingers across his cheek. “Talk to me.”

“It’s just… you don’t know a thing about me.”

“No. I don’t. Doesn’t matter.”

“It feels like I’m being deceptive, kissing you when I have secrets you may not like. If you knew the truth…”

“I’d still want to kiss you. I liked kissing you. I’ve been thinking about it all day too. I wasn’t sure you felt the same.”

“I did. I do.” A pained expression crossed his face. “I did something bad.”

“Don’t care.”

“Killian, I’m serious.”

A dangerous smile filled my face. “Now listen, pretty boy. Not a lot of things bother me, but what did I say about calling me Killian?”

“I like your name.”

I moved closer, our lips a hairbreadth apart. “I don’t.”

I waited for him to react to my proximity, needing assurance he was on board. The tent was dark. Only a faint glow from the streetlight shone through, but it was enough to make out the way his pupils dilated. His breath feathered across my lips.

“Please,” he whispered. “Kiss me again.”

“Are you still going to call me Killian?”

“Every single day.”

I grinned at the spark of mischief in his eyes, then I closed the distance and kissed him. His lips were so silky and soft they didn’t seem real. I had some experience with other guys—not a lot. Leo was the first person I’d kissed whose lips weren’t weather-worn or chapped. It was euphoric, and it made me wonder how incredible a mouth like Leo’s might feel in other places.

Like smoothing a path down my body.

Or wrapped around my cock.

I groaned.

Leo brought his hands up to my neck and played with the ends of my hair. He pulled me closer, his tongue clashing and exploring with more assuredness than before. I grew lost in a fevered kiss tinged with cheap beer and Jolly Ranchers.

I was ready to roll on top of Leo and take this further when he pulled away and placed a hand on my chest.

Even in the dark, the misery peering back at me was evident.

I frowned. “Leo? What’s wrong?”

“We shouldn’t do this. I want to. I do, but…”

“What is it? What are you not telling me?”

A strangled whine climbed his throat. “There are people after me.”

“People? People who?”

He shook his head. “I’m in a lot of trouble. Even if…” He reconsidered his words, shaking his head. “If they catch up with me, if they find me, things will be bad.”

“I don’t understand. Bad how? What do you mean?”

He touched my face, the pads of his fingers softer than anything I’d felt; no calluses marking a hard life. Nothing but smooth, unblemished perfection.

And so, so much anguish poured from his soul.

“You’ve been really nice to me. I like you, but…” He moved away some, and the frantic concern over his hands showed for a brief second before he caught himself and balled them into fists.

“You can tell me anything? I can keep a secret. I promise. Whatever it is…”

For a fraction of a second, I thought he was considering, then he ducked his chin. With fumbling movements, he found his way inside his sleeping bag, turned his back and whispered, “Good night, Killian. I’m sorry.”