End of the Line by Nicky James

NINE

Leopold

At dawn the following morning, the group of us sauntered down the side of a highway, trying to hitch a ride to Carman. This was a new experience for me. I was used to town cars and private jets.

We traipsed along the gravel shoulder of a desolate highway, the fall sun doing little to cut through the night chill as we hoped a commuter with enough room for five people would take pity and pull over.

Willow and Dodger were up ahead with Killian, thumbs extended and doing all they could to wave down a ride. Killian hadn’t mentioned the previous night and acted like it was any other day. I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse.

I didn’t mean to be difficult.

Tyler hung back a dozen paces, walking beside me. He dragged his boots in the dirt, the crunch of gravel the only sound between us. He was sullen and quieter than usual. Considering what I knew about his situation, it was understandable. I sucked on a sour candy while fidgeting with my new Transformer, unsure what to say to a guy I barely knew. After a time, it was Tyler who broke the silence.

“They told you, didn’t they? About Elian.” Tyler kicked a pebble, and it clattered into the road, bouncing and coming to a stop near the yellow median.

“Yes. Did they break your confidence? I asked Killian because of the whole train code thing, but he said you wouldn’t care.”

“Nah, it’s cool. It’s not a secret. Not really. Thanks for coming along.”

“No problem.” It wasn’t like I was fit to abandon the group and head out on my own, but that wasn’t what he needed to hear. I tugged my dwindling pack of Jolly Ranchers from my pocket and held it out. “Candy? It’s sour watermelon. Not as good as the cherry and apple, but it’s okay.”

He chuckled and took a piece, unwrapping the cellophane and popping it into his mouth. “Thank you. You’re a weird cat, Green.”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

We went another twenty or more paces without saying anything.

“Is it true you guys used to leave secret messages for each other hidden away in remote locations along the rail lines?”

Tyler made a soft, sad sound that was almost a laugh but didn’t quite qualify. When he answered, his voice was thick. “Yeah. We did. I still check them… you know, in case.”

“Sure.”

“It was Elian’s idea.”

“I think it’s really cool. He must be a great friend. I hope you find him again.”

Tyler was quiet for a long time. The clinking of the hard candy against his teeth rang in the air. Random cars drove by in both directions along the highway. No one stopped. I went back to transforming my toy.

We’d left the city and were in more remote countryside. A field of dried corn sat on the left, stalks rustling together in the breeze. On the right, a massive plow kicked up dirt in the distance as it traveled through the field. A pair of vultures soared low over the road ahead, screeching and fighting over roadkill.

We’d gone a mile or more before a middle-aged woman with tawny skin and silky black hair in a long braid that hung to her waist pulled over. She wore coveralls, a plaid shirt, and rain boots with sunflowers on them. Deep wrinkles surrounded kind eyes.

“As long as y’all don’t mind snuggling up to a few slabs of drywall,” she said, indicating the load she was hauling in a flatbed trailer behind her Pathfinder. “Had to drive into Winnipeg this morning to pick it up, or that kitchen wall wasn’t ever going to get finished. Earl kept saying he was going to get to it. But I ask you, how long is a person supposed to wait? Well, this morning, I was having my tea and looking at that unfinished wall, and I said, Cheryl-Leeann, if you want that wall finished, you best get off your ass and do it your own damn self. I marched outside and hooked up the trailer, and Earl chased me down, saying I had no damn patience, and he’d fix the wall. Do you know how long I’ve waited for that man to fix the wall?”

She didn’t wait for anyone to answer. “You ain’t ever gonna guess. Let me tell you. Since 1987. That’s right.” Cheryl-Leeann shook her head. “No patience, my ass. That man will be lucky if I don’t take a shovel to his head and bury him behind the blasted wall just so I don’t have to hear him nag at me about what’s for dinner. Anyhoo, how far do y’all need to go?”

Killian and Dodger shared a wide-eyed laugh.

Tyler and I exchanged glances, both of us smothering smiles.

Willow rolled her eyes.

“Carman, if possible,” Killian said. “If not, as far as we can get.”

“Carman’s no problem at all. Hop on in.” Cheryl-Leeann patted the side of the flatbed trailer. “Might be a bit bumpy, but y’all are young.”

Tyler tugged my arm before I darted ahead to join the others.

He couldn’t meet my eyes and stared at the field over my shoulder as he shuffled. “Look. Um… I just wanted to say thanks.”

“What for?”

He glanced at the others who were tossing their packs into the flatbed. “I know they think something bad happened to Elian. Dodger thinks… that he’s…” Tyler cleared his throat. “The CP killer is a myth. Elian’s not dead. He can’t be. I’d know if he was. Anyhow, you said it sounded like Elian is a good friend, not was. I don’t know. Maybe it’s stupid, but that meant a lot to me. That you don’t just assume the worst like everyone else, so thank you.” He tore his hat off and threaded his fingers through his wild red curls as he glanced down the vacant highway. The sun caught on the splash of bronze freckles covering his cheeks. His pain was raw and unhidden, and I wished there was more I could say or do.

I squeezed Tyler’s shoulder, slipped another candy into his palm, and jogged ahead to join the others in the flatbed.

Carman was tiny. The welcome sign boasted a grand population of three thousand seventeen people. Did someone count? Why not round it to a solid three thousand twenty or down to an even three thousand? It seemed strange. What did they do if someone died or had a baby? Did they get a new sign?

Cheryl-Leeann, the kind woman who’d taken us to the edge of town, waved as she pulled away.

“I feel bad for Earl,” Dodger said.

Killian snorted. “I’d say he had ample warning. I wasn’t even alive in 1987.”

“Country people are weird,” Willow said.

Tyler had gone on ahead without waiting, hands stuffed in his pockets, shoulders slumped as he walked down the middle of the road leading into Carman.

“Shouldn’t we go with him?” I asked when no one moved.

“No.” Willow shook her head. “Not to Elian’s parents’ house. That’s where he’s going first.”

“Ty will want to visit with them for a bit. We’d be an intrusion,” Killian explained. “But we can get ahead.”

“I’ll go to the police station and see if they have any new information,” Dodger said as he retrieved a cigarette from a crumpled pack he removed from his coat. “How about you three head to the grove, and we’ll meet you there when we’re done?”

Killian bumped Willow’s shoulder and whispered something I couldn’t hear. She lanced him with a dirty look before glaring at me and shoving Killian away. I didn’t know what was going on, but the exchange made me feel out of place again. It was obviously to do with me.

“I’ll go with you,” Willow said to Dodger. “Lover Boy wants some alone time with Green.”

Killian threw his hands up. “Does discretion mean anything to you?”

“Please, you two are practically drooling all over each other. It’s disgusting.” Willow tugged her phone out and ignored Killian’s sneer.

Dodger glanced at Killian, and they had one of their silent conversations. “Fine. Go to the grove, and we’ll meet you in a bit.”

Killian waved a hand, asking for a cigarette before Dodger put the pack away. Dodger obliged, mumbling something about owing him.

Killian tucked it behind his ear and waved as Willow and Dodger headed in the same direction Tyler had gone.

“Ready? This way.” Killian continued down the highway where Cheryl-Leeann had driven off a short time ago. “We’ve got about a mile or so to hike.”

I jogged to catch up. “What’s the grove? What are we doing there?”

“You’ll see.”

The grove was a little private sanctuary in the middle of nowhere. After a mile on the county highway, Killian left the road and traveled off the beaten path and into a copse of trees, their leaves a brilliant rainbow of reds, burnt oranges, and yellows. The ground underfoot was a carpet of the same, except those crunched under our boots. The scent of rich earth, pine, and rot hung in the air. It was more pleasant than the smog of the city or the diesel fumes on the train. I inhaled, enjoying the fresh air in my lungs.

Another quarter mile took us to a small clearing. The train tracks passed through the area a short distance away, and beyond them was a field of wheat that hadn’t been harvested. In the clearing, a ravine trickled and ran into a small shallow pool. A handful of birds that had been sunning on a rock took flight at our arrival, the beating of their wings fading into the quiet day. The sun dappled the ground and sparkled off the crystal-clear water’s surface. It was tranquil.

“This is what we call the grove. It’s one of Tyler and Elian’s spots. Before you ask, I don’t know where exactly to look for their secret messages. I just know this area is one of the places they used, so he’ll want to check it out before we take off.”

Killian tossed his pack on the ground and found a flat rock that butted against the water’s edge. He sat and untied his boots, shedding them and tossing them aside. His socks followed, and he tugged his cargos up before putting his feet in the water. He sucked air through his teeth and cringed for a second before peering back at me. “It’s chilly.”

“It’s almost October.”

I dropped my bag beside his and removed both my boots and socks as well, rolling my pants to midcalf and joining him. The rock wasn’t big, so we had to sit close. I tested the water with my big toe and retracted it again, blowing out a breath before sticking both feet in without pause. It wasn’t warm, that was for sure.

“You’ll adjust. It won’t feel bad in a few minutes.”

Killian dug a silver flask from a pocket in his bag. I’d seen him pull it out a few times before. He didn’t drink from it so much as hold it while he smoked. Another oddity I had yet to comprehend. He plucked the cigarette from behind his ear and put it between his lips before digging a lighter from his pocket. “Are you okay if I smoke beside you?”

“I don’t mind.”

I watched the same ritual I’d seen a few times. Killian didn’t smoke the cigarette per se. Not fully—or properly. He lit it, sure. He took a few puffs—although I got the sense he didn’t inhale—then he’d sip from the flask once—never twice. After the first hit off the cigarette, it sat between his fingers untouched, burning down as tendrils of smoke drifted on the breeze, and the ash on the end grew long.

The flask remained cradled between his thighs.

He toyed with the burning stick in his hand, turning it this way and that as the ribbons of smoke rose and dissipated. He looked over the water without seeing it, a thousand-yard stare in his eyes, and I wondered what he was thinking about.

“What’s the deal with the cigarettes?” I asked, unable to resist.

A sad smile filled his face as he flicked the ash into the water. “It’s stupid. You’ll laugh.”

“Tell me? I mean, you don’t have to. I’m curious is all. I won’t laugh.”

Killian sighed and rolled the cigarette between his fingers. “My dad smoked. He said Mom didn’t know, so I couldn’t tell her, but I can’t see how that’s possible. His clothing and jacket always smelled like an ashtray. Even his hair. It was the scent I associated with my dad, so Mom had to have known. She wasn’t a stupid woman.

“Anyhow, he used to take me out to the garage when I was little—seven or eight maybe, something like that. He had an old 1985 Corvette he was restoring. Metallic gold. Fucking beautiful machine. He told me it would be mine one day, but first, we had to make it like new. It was in rough shape. He got it cheap at an auction. For as long as I can remember, he was always out there fixing up that car, and I was always beside him, watching and learning and helping if I could. He would ruffle my hair and call me his little man. It was our thing. Every weekend. Sometimes in the evening after dinner. We bonded over that car.”

Killian flicked the ash off the end of the cigarette again and held it up like a torch. “He didn’t smoke this brand. He smoked du Maurier. It came in a red pack. He used to say, ‘Grab me a smoke and light ’er up for me, kid. You know how to do that, right?’ I didn’t, not at first, but I learned fast. Sometimes I would choke on it if the smoke went into my lungs. I tried not to make that happen, so I learned to be careful when I lit his cigarettes for him.”

Killian jiggled the flask. “He kept a flask of bourbon in his coveralls. Mom didn’t know about that either. He said, ‘You can’t have a smoke without a good drink. They go hand in hand.’ So when I managed to light a cigarette for him, he always offered me a sip from his flask. ‘Just a small one,’ he’d say because it would mess me up if I wasn’t careful.” Killian chuckled. “That shit burned like a motherfucker, but I did my best not to show it on my face because I was a man. I was my dad’s little man. I liked that we had a thing. It was our secret. It was special.”

Any joy the nostalgic memory had caused faded, replaced by something akin to grief. It pulled at Killian’s eyes and tightened his jaw. Killian flicked the burning cigarette into the water and tossed the flask onto the ground beside his bag.

“I hate bourbon, and I hate cigarettes. It’s stupid. I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know why I care. I just… like remembering those days with my dad sometimes. Lighting a smoke and taking that one burning mouthful of bourbon, it takes me back to a time when things were good.” Killian cleared his throat and blinked a few times as he studied the sky.

“You left when you were sixteen?”

“Yeah. Before I got my full license, so I never got to drive that beautiful machine.”

“Did your dad kick you out?”

A humorless laugh escaped as Killian kicked his feet, making ripples along the water’s surface. “No. Actually, my parents said all the right things to a terrified teen who decided to announce he was gay. They said they loved me no matter what. They hugged me and told me it changed nothing. It was all lies. It changed everything. It got to a point where it was so unbearable at home, I needed to leave for my sanity. Every conversation was strained. Every meal was filled with tension. I’d catch Mom and Dad arguing when they thought I couldn’t hear them, and if I walked into the room, they’d pretend nothing was happening. I heard my name. I knew it was about me. One night, I heard my dad tell my mom he was going to sell the car. He wanted to sell my car, the thing we’d been working on and building for years. Like it didn’t matter anymore. Like it was tainted. It got to be too much. I couldn’t live there another day, so I packed a few things and left one night after they went to bed. Never looked back.”

I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

He leaned his head against mine.

We didn’t talk for a long time. Killian had been so open. He’d shared things about his life that weren’t easy. He could have told me it wasn’t my business, but he hadn’t.

All day, he hadn’t said a word about the previous night, even though I knew it was on his mind. There, on a flat rock in a grove by the train tracks with my toes dangling in a pool of cold water, I was gifted with a flash of clarity. I’d gone from a privileged life where I’d had everything I ever wanted to being a runaway with a scant amount of money in my pocket and no destination. Killian was the most important thing in my life at the moment, even though we didn’t know each other well. I’d put all my trust in him, yet I’d given him nothing in return.

I felt like a heel.

I reached out and took his hand, weaving our fingers together. “My uncle Christoph taught me to play euchre when I was little. Father has tournaments once a month. A lot of people from his inner circle come. Important people. The tournaments are not meant for women or children, so my caregiver would usher me off to bed early on those nights so I wouldn’t be underfoot. Mother went to other events on those evenings, charity functions, or whatever else she had going on. The men smoked cigars, drank expensive liquor, and played cards long into the night. I think I was eleven when I decided I wanted to know what the men were doing. I wanted to be part of it. After Johanna put me to bed, I waited until I knew she had retired for the evening, and I snuck off. I figured if I was caught, then maybe Johanna would get in trouble.” I smiled at the memory. “I didn’t like her much. She was strict and mean and ugly. She had a face like an iguana.”

Killian chuckled. My head bounced on his shoulder. “That’s pretty ugly. When you say caregiver, is that like a babysitter or something?”

“No. Like a nanny. She lived at the house and took care of me.”

Killian nodded but stayed quiet.

“That night, I tiptoed to Father’s game room. It was on the other end of the estate. Loud voices bled through the door. Laughter. Sweet cigar smoke. My uncle found me in the hall, peeking in, and asked what I was doing. I told him I wanted to know what Father’s parties were like. He had a deep throaty chuckle and told me it wasn’t a party. Cards were serious business.”

I shuffled on the rock and lifted my head, forcing Killian’s up as well. He stared at our joined hands as I continued. “I was a small kid for my age. I didn’t grow until I was close to the end of my teen years. My uncle Christoph heaved me into his arms and said I was never too young to learn euchre. Father wasn’t pleased to see me, but he didn’t argue. Uncle Christoph let me sit on his knee while he played. He whispered the rules in my ear and talked me through each hand, explaining why he played the cards he did. He said strategy in euchre was important. Even a poor hand could be a winning hand.”

“You understood euchre at eleven?”

I laughed. “Not at all, but I liked being there and pretending I did. I liked Uncle Christoph. Johanna didn’t get into trouble—or if she did, I didn’t know about it. So on card nights, I had a tendency to wander down and find my uncle. Over time, the rules made sense, and the game was more understandable. When I turned thirteen, Father told me my lessons were over, and if I insisted on joining them, then I would play on my own. I wasn’t allowed to smoke or drink, but I gambled with the men every month. Partners were always drawn at random, so I’m sure the other gentlemen weren’t pleased to be stuck with a child.”

“Were you any good by then?”

“Heavens no. I didn’t win my first game until I was fifteen.” I smiled at the memory. “Father was so proud, he made a toast and allowed me to have one drink to celebrate.”

Killian shuffled to face me, his thumb moving absently along the side of my hand. “Does your father know you’re gay?”

My good mood evaporated, and I stared down at the water. “He’s aware. It’s… unconventional for him. Father told me it’s a phase. He was happy to ignore it while I was in high school, but when I continued my endeavors in university, he told me it was time I ‘got over myself.’”

“Is that why you ran?”

“No.” My voice was small and strangled. “That’s a whole other thing.”

Killian moved his hand to my thigh. “Is there anything else you feel safe enough to tell me? I understand if there isn’t.”

I ran my lips together, debating, wishing it wasn’t this hard. “I’m from Hesse, Germany. I’m an only child. I attended private school and have two university degrees. My first caregiver, Lina, was fired because I talked her into taking me to McDonald’s when we were on vacation in Portugal when I was seven. Before going with you, that trip was the first and only other time I’d been. I loved Lina. She was like a mother to me. Johanna came next, and she wasn’t the same. I was a duty. She never cared about me.”

“What about your real mother?”

I shrugged. “She wasn’t around much. She had other responsibilities and no time for a child.”

A crease appeared on Killian’s forehead. More questions buzzed behind his hazel eyes, but he didn’t voice them. A beat passed, then he slapped my leg, a mischievous grin blooming across his face. “Come on. Let’s go for a swim.”

“What?” My eyes bugged. “Are you insane? It’s freezing.”

“It’s not that bad.” Killian jumped off the rock and worked at stripping out of his clothes. “And you said we were stinky and needed to wash. Now’s our chance. Come on, pretty boy. Get naked and swim with me. I’ll even share my soap.”

My jaw came unhinged. “I was referring to a shower, not an icy pool of water in the middle of nowhere.”

“Isn’t it cold in Germany? Shouldn’t this be normal for you?”

“It’s not that different than here, but I’m not a Neanderthal. I like hot water that comes from pipes. Indoor plumbing. Not freezing my genitals off.”

Killian snorted. “Your balls? Who says genitals?”

“Balls. You knew what I meant.”

“You aren’t a Neanderthal, but you’re a rail rider now, and this is what we do. We bathe where we can. Even in freezing cold pools of water in the middle of nowhere. Now strip.”

Killian was down to his underwear, and I didn’t know where to look. When he hooked his thumbs into the waistband, I jerked my gaze to the sky, squinting into the sun. “You’re getting naked naked?”

“Yes. Problem?”

A thousand problems. Sweat prickled along my nape, and despite the cool fall temperatures, I was overheating. My cheeks burned. I’d already seen too much. Miles of tanned skin covered a thin, muscular frame. If I saw more, I would want more. It was already hard to curb my desire for Killian. The taste of his mouth and the tenderness of his kisses had followed me into my dreams the previous night.

Everything about him was honest and out in the open. There was no ultimatum, no lingering threat in the air that wanted to suffocate me every time our mouths joined. It was pure. Simple.

Real.

A splash jerked me back to the present, and I whipped my head to the small pool of water. Killian had jumped in. It wasn’t waist-deep, and the top of his ass was on full display before he sank to his knees, submerging his body. He dunked his head and came up spraying water in an arc. He turned, wiping a hand over his face and grinning. “It’s not bad. Cool but doable. Get your dainty ass in here.”

I glanced at the ground where he’d shed his clothes. Sure enough, his underwear sat on top of the pile. He was naked naked.

Dashing my attention to Killian, still uncertain, I muttered, “Don’t look.”

Chuckling, he turned and faced the other way.

My bruises were still ripe and painful. They’d turned from brilliant reds and purples to yellowy browns and greens. The one on my hip was still darker. It throbbed with its own heartbeat if I pushed on it. I took my clothes off one piece at a time and folded them to delay. When I was down to my underwear, the fall breeze against my skin made me shiver. I debated leaving my briefs on to save my dignity but remembering how Killian had called me a rail rider, I opted to remove them.

Naked, I approached the water.

Killian glanced over his shoulder, and I covered myself, sneering. “Don’t look.”

He laughed and turned away again. “I suggest jumping. You won’t get in any other way.”

It took a lot of deliberating and courage before I launched from the rock where we’d once sat and landed in the pool below, splashing Killian in the process. The temperature stole the breath from my lungs, and I gasped. An instant chill took hold and made my muscles seize and teeth chatter.

Dignity forgotten, I panicked and tried to get back to the edge as fast as possible. Killian caught me around the waist and pulled me down into the water so I was submerged to my shoulders and pressed against his chest.

“No you don’t. It’s bath time, mister.”

I squealed and squirmed in his arms, laughing as I tried to get free. Killian wouldn’t let go. In the end, we wrestled, naked bodies entwining and sliding together as we splashed each other until our lips turned blue. Killian had an old bar of Ivory soap stored in a plastic bag. We used it to scrub our bodies and hair before rinsing.

By the time we scrambled from the water, I didn’t care about my nakedness or the fact that my cock and balls had shriveled to the size of peanuts and had crawled inside my body, all I wanted was to get dry and dressed.

We used our old T-shirts to dry off and found clean ones to dress in. I had on a pair of underwear and was fiddling with my T-shirt, my cold fingers not cooperating, when Killian touched my hip over the nastier bruise.

I stalled.

“This one is really bad. Does it still hurt?”

He wore nothing but underwear. His nipples were pebbled, his skin was blistering with goose bumps, but he didn’t seem in too much of a rush to get dressed.

“It’s okay. Hurts to sleep on that side, but it’s getting better.”

He didn’t remove his fingers, tracing a few more of the bruises on my body, a pinched expression on his face. “Who did this to you?”

The answer was on the tip of my tongue, but if I told him, he’d have more questions, and I couldn’t give him more answers.

“Never mind,” he mumbled, noticing my uncertainty. He pulled his hand back. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

I grabbed his wrist before he could resume dressing and placed his hand back on my hip over the bruise. He tenderly caressed it, smoothing his hand over the marked area.

“The more you know, the worse it could be for you. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

Killian studied my face. “I don’t understand.” A pinch appeared between his brows. “If someone did this to you and they’re after you, why not go to the police? Is it your father? Is that why you don’t want to go?”

“My father didn’t do this.”

“Then why not try to contact him?”

“I can’t. I know I’m frustrating you, but—”

“No.” He took my hand and wove our fingers together. “It’s okay. I’m pushing. I should know better.”

“You aren’t.”

“I just want to know that you’re safe.”

“I don’t know if I ever will be again.”

Killian stepped forward into my space. He bumped his nose to mine. “Whatever it is you can’t tell me, just know I’m on your side. From now until we reach the end of the line. If you still want me around after that… then—”

“Killian, you don’t know—”

“It doesn’t matter. When you’re a rail rider, you live in the moment. It’s about here and now. The past is the past. We all have one, and for most of us, they suck. It’s why we ride. It’s why we keep the wind at our backs. The future is wide open. I like you, Leo. Whatever happened to bring you here doesn’t matter to me. I wish you could believe that.”

I leaned in and kissed him, helpless to do anything else, but it was short-lived, and I pulled away again.

Killian chuckled. He took my waist in his cold hands, tugging me against his body. “You’re like a yo-yo. One minute you’re kissing me, the next you’re pushing me away.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot to take in these last few days.”

“Can you focus on the moment and not worry about the past?”

He had no idea how impossible that was. When I closed my eyes, those final moments in Montreal were so fresh and vivid they haunted me.

“I’ll try.”

“And… can we keep doing this kissing thing? I kinda like it.” He kissed me again. His hands traveled down my spine and over my ass, clinging, keeping me close as he pressed our lower halves together.

Our tongues laced, and my scrambled, worried thoughts drifted away. For as chilled as I was, heat coursed through my veins, awakening the desire I’d been feeling for Killian since the first time we came together like this.

Even my cock, which I was sure had shriveled and died, took interest, swelling alongside his as he rocked his hips, grinding against me.

His hands slipped inside the back of my underwear, kneading my ass, guiding our movements. His cock was rigid, and each time it brushed with mine, I whimpered and shuddered. His finger explored between my ass crack, and I pushed back, encouraging more. The tip found my entrance and…

A sharp whistle pierced the air. We fumbled apart in surprise.

“Put your cocks away. Christ, no one wants to see that.”

“Oh my god, they were almost fucking. My eyes. My eyes.”

“Shit.” Killian scanned my body. “Get dressed. Fast. They don’t need to see these marks. They’ll have questions.”

Dodger, Tyler, and Willow emerged from the trees, covering their eyes like we’d scorched their retinas. Thank god.

Killian covered me as I pulled my clothes on as fast as possible.