Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
1
Jace
Then
It’s a total scene of smoke and spilled beer and people dry humping their balls off in the shadows.
I knew it would be.
School ended today and everyone’s in a hurry to kick off the summer by getting naked and shitfaced. I’m no better than the rest of them, but so far I’m just sitting alone with my back against a half dead tree and ignoring anyone who edges too close.
Some jackass tosses the contents of his cup into the fire and the flames explode for a second, leading to some fake screams and some not-so-fake cursing.
I’m one of the cursers.
Letting the bonfire climb sky high is the best way to send out an engraved invitation to the good old Arcana PD to ride out here and bust up the party. And while this isn’t the greatest time I’ve ever had, I’ve also got nothing better to do. Besides, I’m just fucked up enough that driving my truck would be a bad idea.
An outbreak of laughter erupts somewhere off to the right and I can’t see everything that’s happening but it’s still more than I care to see. My best friend is on his back and being straddled by one girl in her underwear while a second girl takes a big hit off a bong and then leans over to blow smoke in his mouth. As for Colt, he’s not complaining at all. He fastens his mouth to Girl #2 while Girl #1 starts working his belt loose.
At this point I have to look away because Colt is like my brother and it’s grossing me out to see him getting his freak on.
At least he’s having fun.
Colt’s been in a shitty mood since his mother announced she was getting married and moving the family fifty miles away to Bredon at the end of the summer. It’s a blow to Colt in more ways than one. He was probably going to get the nod for first string quarterback next season. But Bredon High is Arcana’s number one rival in the county and they’re a damn good team. They’ll make a place for him most likely, but it won’t be as QB1.
Lately I’ve been spending all my energy feeling bad for Colt and I haven’t been able to deal with what next year will be like without him next door. Him and Tori both. Arcana High is going to be a bleak place without them.
Colt Malene has been my best friend since age six, when I was dumped on my grandmother’s doorstep after my mother took off and my dad couldn’t handle caring for a kid on his own. The day I met Colt and Tori, I was sitting in the front yard and trying to figure out how to reassemble pieces of a clay pot I’d accidentally kicked over. I don’t know how I expected to get this done without glue but six-year-olds aren’t famous for their problem solving skills. The Malene kids arrived in the middle of my dilemma and before I learned their names or was told that they were here for Tori’s piano lesson, Colt had the bright idea to pick up all the broken pieces and throw them in another pot. That seemed like a good plan to me. He and I gathered up the sharp fragments while Tori stood back and held her piano book under one arm, frowning with disapproval over our joint stupidity.
“Do you live here now?” she asked me and all I could do was nod. Being reminded that home was now at my grandmother’s house made it hurt to talk. I would think of my mother and how sometimes if I pleaded enough she would agree to read stories like The Velveteen Rabbit out loud in her softly accented voice. One morning she dropped me off at school and never picked me up in the afternoon. Eventually my father showed up with his eyes red and his hands trembling. He said my mother had left us both because she didn’t love us. I asked when she was coming back.
“Never, Jace.”
Within days, he deposited me at my grandmother’s house with a suitcase and a farewell wave.
Tori and Colt didn’t push me to talk about things I didn’t want to talk about. I found out they were brother and sister and had the same birthday exactly one year apart. Tori asked me when my birthday was and quickly figured out that I was six months younger than her and six months older than Colt. She also announced that she was supposed to be in second grade but her mother had started her in school a year late so she could watch her brother because he was always getting into trouble.
Colt got annoyed when she said that and he became more annoyed when Tori told him to stay right there in the front yard while she was having her lesson. She disappeared into the house, confident that her command would be obeyed, and a minute later the sound of stiffly played scales drifted from my grandmother’s cherished old piano. Colt and I stared at each other for a minute and then he said he knew where there was a coyote skeleton in the dry storm wash that ran parallel to the row of houses on the next street over. He asked if I wanted to go see it and of course I did. Tori had a fit when she exited her lesson and found her brother nowhere in sight but she knew how to hunt him down, a talent that would come in handy countless times in the years ahead.
It’s funny how some things that happened a long time ago seemed like they just happened last week. That memory is ten years in the past and still I recall that there was a small rip in the left sleeve of the shirt Tori wore and that the shirt was the color of a clear summer sky. The same color as her eyes.
This is what’s on my mind when I decide that the Colt threesome is getting a little too hot and heavy for me to casually ignore. I get to my feet and swallow the last couple of ounces in my cup. Then I throw the empty cup in the fire and take a walk. I’ve had enough pumps from the keg that I’m feeling the buzz but it’s not bad enough to make me stumble over my feet or blow chunks in the dirt. It’ll wear off in a couple of hours.
There are plenty of hot girls sprinkled around and a few of them have been eyeing me. I pretend not to notice. I’m not as much of a football god as Colt or Rafe Hempstead or the other team leaders but I am on the varsity squad and I started in four games last season, which is enough to get a lot of attention in a town like Arcana. In other words, a town that doesn’t have much going for it except for high school football games and drunken bonfires.
As I skirt the clearing and step into the brush, I hear my name being called by someone, a girl. I don’t know who it is and I don’t take the time to look because I’m not in the mood. I enjoy hooking up as much as the next guy, but lately the idea of messing around with some girl who looks good yet struggles to carry on a conversation that lasts more than three sentences makes me want to take a nap until next Wednesday. The biggest problem with Arcana is that I already know every girl my age and some of them I like more than others but none of them really keep me interested.
Well, that’s not completely true. There’s one girl who makes my heart pump faster, one girl that I look for wherever I am and whatever I’m doing. I’m looking for her now, even if I’d never admit it.
There’s a full moon tonight and it filters down through the branches of scattered trees, remnants of an old peach orchard that was left to rot some years back. The rows are spaced wide apart and the dappled silver light lands on a girl lying alone in the center of the treeless space, an arm propped behind her head, one leg casually bent at the knee in a pose that is far hotter than she realizes.
She’s pretty, of course. She thinks she can hide it by wearing oversized retro band t-shirts and tucking her hair into a single fat braid like the girl from The Hunger Games. She rarely wears any makeup at all, which I like because too many girls are in the habit of smearing so much shit on their faces that you can hardly see them.
Yeah, Tori Malene is pretty. She’s more than pretty. She’s beautiful without trying to be beautiful. I’m not supposed to notice this because she’s my best friend’s sister and I notice it anyway. I’m also not supposed to check out the shape of her tits when she’s standing up on the high dive board at the Arcana pool but I’ve done this too. Often.
The party music fades and the world sharpens into focus in the ruined orchard. She’s like a goddess lying out here in the moonlight, and a familiar jealousy eats at me because I know she’s been kissed by guys who aren’t me and will be kissed by more of them in the future.
Dead leaves crackle under my clumsy shoes and she flinches but relaxes when she sees it’s just me.
Tori props herself up on her elbows to look at me while I drop down on my ass in the dirt a few feet away.
“What’s the deal, Third?” She reaches out and smacks my knee. “Are you hiding from your fan club?”
It’s an inside joke between us, the way she calls me Third. On formal occasions like an athletic banquet or the the first day of school, someone will inevitably broadcast my full name. Jacek Zielinski, The Third. To my ears, it always like some kind of third rate sub-royal title. It’s also a distinctly Polish name in a place where no one else has a Polish name.
I try to keep my eyes from skimming her legs. The shorts she’s wearing are uneven denim cutoffs and I bet she chopped them herself in about two seconds without caring if they were straight or not. That would be just like her. Today she’s not wearing a loose t-shirt. She’s wearing a blue button down plaid that’s rolled to her elbows and is also rather tight across her chest.
“Not hiding, Victoria. Just thought I’d check out how the anti-social half lives.” Another inside joke. The only person allowed to call Tori by her full name is my grandmother.
She rolls to her side, elbow in the dirt, head braced on her hand as she looks me over. The top button of her shirt pops open and she doesn’t notice. It’s not like her tits come busting out but that sudden extra inch of skin definitely makes my pulse speed up.
“Have you seen my brother lately?” she asks.
“Sure.”
“Do I want to know what he’s doing?”
“Definitely not.”
She snorts out a laugh and shakes her hair out of its braid. Last week she made an offhand remark about maybe cutting her hair short. When I blurted out that her hair is awesome just the way it is, she looked at me kind of funny. Tori’s hair falls in loose waves that aren’t quite blonde but not really brown either. Last year I sat directly behind her in math class and I spent a lot of time looking at the back of her head while having thoughts that I need to keep to myself.
“Shit.” Tori jumps to her feet.
Before I can ask what’s wrong I hear the warning shout. Along with the word everyone dreads.
“RADCLIFF!”
Tori bolts in the direction of the commotion so I follow. We reach the edge of the clearing to find people stomping out the bonfire and making a break for it as two police cruisers roll into view. As small town police chiefs go, Rich Radcliff probably isn’t that bad, but he is old and cranky and he will undoubtedly make a phone call to the Arcana High principal with the news that most of the football team is out here doing illegal shit and putting next season at risk. Plus, if he’s in a bad enough temper and someone decides to mouth off, he might decide to haul some of us to the station for a few unpleasant hours. That’s never any fun and I especially hate the idea of my grandmother being awakened by the news that I’m sitting in a jail cell.
“Colt!” Tori yells for her brother, echoing my fears that Colt is probably feeling unruly enough these days to test the old man’s temper.
But no, we’re both wrong. My best friend has got his arms around the two girls he was messing with and he spins in our direction when he hears his sister shouting for him. He’s shirtless, his belt hangs open, and he motions for us to get moving.
“The fuck you guys waiting for? Get outta here!”
Then he disappears into the darkness with his two giggling companions. Tori blows out a breath that might be both relief and exasperation. She’s always worried that Colt’s careless nature is going to catch up to him one of these days and sometimes I worry about the same thing. But we can’t really hang out here fretting over Colt.
I shake my keys. “I’m too messed up to drive my truck.”
She jumps to grab the keys out of my hand. “Fine, I’ll drive. Lead the way.”
Radcliff’s raspy howl echoes from a bullhorn. “This is the Arcana Police Department. You are all trespassing!” Then he has a coughing fit.
Grabbing Tori’s hand, I pull her through the brush and toward the cluster of parked vehicles, which has swiftly turned into a spectacle of honking getaway pickup trucks churning up clouds of dust. I bump right into my own tailgate and yank the door to the driver’s seat open. Tori yelps when I pick her up at the waist but one second later she finds herself deposited behind the wheel and she wastes no time shoving the key into the ignition. When I shut the door, I can see that time is running out. One of the police cruisers is nosing in this direction. I jump into the back bed and yell “GO!” through the open window.
Tori guns the engine and beats a number of other vehicles to the road. Some turn north, others go south, but she cuts across a vast grassy field to intersect with Old Country Road. The night is warm and yet a shiver rolls through me as we tumble over the field. A long time ago, decades in the past, a young couple was murdered right here and it remains Arcana’s most famous story. Last Halloween there were some ghost hunters from Austin that tried to camp out beside the commemorative plaque and talk to the dead or something. Radcliff chased them off.
I’m hoping Tori doesn’t plan to stop here because this place always gives me the fucking creeps. Thankfully, she takes a sharp left on Old Country Road, which tells me she’s heading back to Arcana. I tip my head back and observe the clear sky while trying to sober up completely. My favorite song is playing. Creep by Radiohead. Tori must have switched to the CD player. I was listening to it this afternoon while circling the streets of Arcana and trying to sort out a plot point in my latest short story. I’m unsure I’ll finish this one. I don’t always finish them. Tori has often asked me why I refuse to share anything I write. I don’t have an earth shattering reason. I just don’t want to. The first story I ever wrote was when I was six. It was about a dog that could fly and I gave it to my mother. She smiled at the time but she probably threw it away before she left the following week. If I was required to pick someone to show my stories to then I would pick Tori. She doesn’t know that.
Once we’ve gone a few more miles and there’s no sign of Radcliff or his henchmen, I lean in through the window and tap her shoulder.
“Hey, pull over!”
She swivels to look at me. “Here? Why?”
No point in lying. “Because I’ve got to take a fucking piss, that’s why.”
Tori smirks and eases the truck to the shoulder. I jump out the back, take care of business in the weeds and return to find her sitting on the tailgate, swinging her legs. For the second time tonight the sight of this girl does something to me. I could blame the beer, but this would be dishonest. Victoria Malene is more than my best friend’s sister. After Colt, she’s the person in the world that I’m closest to. She’s who I fall asleep thinking about. Whenever I look at another girl, I’m comparing her to Tori. She’s in my head and she’s in my heart. I feel like I’m running out of time to do something about this. Especially because I’m not sure I have the right to do anything at all.
She quits swinging her legs when she sees me coming. “Feeling better?”
“Yup.” I take a seat beside her, my hip only inches from hers. “My bladder thanks you.”
Tori doesn’t move away but she shifts slightly and her elbow brushes my arm. Neither of us make a sound for a long moment that stretches into another one. This road doesn’t get used much anymore, not since the highway was built long before either of us were born. An animal thrashes in a nearby sagebrush, perhaps annoyed that we’re hanging around. There’s no reason for us to stay but I don’t want to leave. It’s rare that we’re alone together and I like being alone with her.
Tori runs her palms over her thighs and peers toward the hazy halo of light that cups the sky over downtown Arcana. No working streetlamps are in sight all the way out here. There is only the moonlight and in the moonlight this girl is beautiful. She is beautiful all the time.
She turns my way and for a split second I’m afraid she can hear my thoughts. In a way I hope that she can.
“Hey Jace, can I tell you something?”
“Sure.” She can tell me anything. She can recite the preamble to the Constitution or read the back of a cereal box and I’ll sit here listening like it’s the most interesting thing I’ve ever heard.
“My dad said I could live with him if I want to finish high school in Arcana.”
“Yeah?” The news is a shot of pure relief. The idea of not having Tori and Colt around next year has been impossible to get used to. “Your dad and his new wife just bought a house, didn’t they?”
Tori nods. “They talked about it, he and Rochelle. He says she’s cool with the idea.”
“That’s great, Tor. That’s amazing, that’s-“
“I can’t do it, Jace.”
“Why the hell not?”
She doesn’t answer.
“Tori.” I touch her hand, only to get her attention, but I don’t pull back and neither does she. We sit there, side by side, my large hand covering her small one, my fingertips grazing the smooth skin of her thigh. I know it’s an important moment and I don’t want to get hard but I can’t help it.
Tori breathes out a ragged sigh and leaves her hand where it is, underneath mine. “He only made the offer to me. Not to Colt.”
Hope dies with a hissing curse. “Damn.”
I understand what she means. Eric Malene knows Colt is not his son. Everyone in Arcana knows, the curse of living in a small town. Eric and his wife had just welcomed their baby daughter when he was deployed overseas with his National Guard unit. Ten months later, he returned to his family. He also came home to the discovery that his wife was heavily pregnant again, this time with another man’s child. They split up shortly after Colt was born. Colt has the Malene name and he calls Eric his dad but their relationship is shaky at best. It’s not something Colt talks about. It’s not something Tori talks about either. It seems when push comes to shove, Eric will allow his daughter to live with him but he doesn’t want much to do with the rowdy boy he’s never thought of as a son.
“Your dad’s an asshole.” I say this without thinking and Tori lowers her head, her face hidden by her hair and by the night shadows.
“I don’t think he means to be. Don’t tell Colt, okay?”
“I won’t.” No one needs to explain to me that Tori won’t consider her father’s offer. She’s been watching out for Colt her whole life. She would never abandon him, regardless of what she may want for herself. If her brother has to leave then she does too.
My fingers curl around hers and she relaxes, allowing me to capture her hand in mine. In a move that surprises me, she brings her other hand around and unfolds my palm. She traces the skin at the base of my thumb and my breath catches in my throat. I’m not too drunk to appreciate the significance of what’s happening. I don’t want to fuck it up.
“Victoria.” When I say her name, low and gruff, I hear it in my own voice, how much I want her. And yet I’m also warning her that now’s the time to back away if she doesn’t want the same thing. What happens in the next minute is going to forever change what we are.
She pulls my hand to her chest and I have to bite back a groan when I feel the tender swell of her breast.
“I know,” she whispers.
My free hand finds her face and my knuckles linger on her cheek for a sweet second before a more basic urge takes over and I slide my hand into her hair. Then I do something that I probably wouldn’t have the guts to do in the daylight. I kiss her. My best friend’s sister. My first crush. The girl next door. And she doesn’t gasp with surprise or back away. She melts into me and our tongues find each other and it’s on. It’s so fucking on. I’m not sure how many girls I’ve kissed in my life but I am sure that none of them can compete with Tori. We kiss like we’re on fire. We kiss like we’ve both been starving for each other all along. We kiss like this is where we’ve been destined to end up ever since that distant summer day when she asked me who I was and why I’d just broken a flower pot.
For an instant I flash to Colt and try to imagine what he’d say if he could see me with my hands all over his sister. The pang of guilt is real but not enough to make me stop. Colt believes no one is good enough for Tori. Usually, I’m in complete agreement. The idea of another guy touching Tori makes me want to gag. Or snarl. Or punch something until my knuckles break. I think of her as mine. Maybe I always have. Anyway, now that she’s in my arms and moaning into my mouth I won’t be able to let her go, no matter what Colt or anyone else has to say.
Tori slides into my lap and my hand travels under her shirt. Not a single car has come this way since we stopped and we’re all alone. This could go very far very fast and as much as I want that I also don’t want that.
Because Tori deserves the whole flowers and date night girlfriend treatment. And because I want to be the one to give it to her.
When I quit kissing her and pull back a little, she’s instantly confused, embarrassed.
“Oh, god.” She tries to squirm off my lap. I hold her in place until she stops trying to get away. Finally, she huffs out an exasperated breath and faces me.
We stare at each other. She bites her lower lip. I push the loose hair from her face.
“Stuffed crust pizza with meatballs and sausage from Georgio’s.”
Tori’s eyebrows shoot up and it’s clear she thinks I’m drunk off my ass. “What?”
“It’s your favorite.” I loosen my arms, trusting that she won’t run off now. Gently, I move another section of her hair aside. “So will you let me take you there tomorrow night?”
Right now I’m so grateful that full moons exist. I would never want to miss the smile that breaks across her face. “I think it is tomorrow, Third. It’s got to be after midnight.”
“Tonight then. We have a date?”
She bites the corner of her lip and becomes shy. “Is this for real?”
“I’ve never been more serious about anything.”
Suddenly she winces and swallows hard. “What about Colt?”
“He’s capable of getting his own pizza.”
“Jace.” Tori touches her forehead to mine. “All this time we’ve known each other. Why haven’t we ever done this before?”
We both know the answer. Partly because of Colt. Partly because of us. Tori means far more to me than any other girl ever has or ever could. Now that she’ll be moving in a couple of months, this might be our best chance. Our last chance. We’d be idiots not to seize it.
I plant a soft kiss on her lips. “We’re doing it now. That’s all that matters.”
She leans into me. “I’m so glad.”
I want to kiss her again. I want to keep kissing her all night until the sun breaks the sky and we’re both too tired to stand and even then I won’t want to stop.
Not tomorrow. Not the day after that.
I’ve just figured out what I want to do forever.